My fourth-grade teacher was, frankly, horrible.
In Singapore, at least when I was growing up, teachers can physically discipline you if they had to. I’ve had teachers who strangled little girls, slapped students in the face, forced a male student to strip off his shirt, kicked a little boy, and all sorts of horrifying acts that would now shock the school board but at the time, proceeded without repercussions.
My fourth-grade form teacher was a yeller. No, she was a shrieker. Her shrieks were like thin metal scraping glass—shrill, scratchy and wobbly, full of pale speckles of spit. She shrieked every 15 minutes over the most trivial things, and at times when she got really angry she would either yank the students’ ears, slap them on the back or shake them like a rag doll.
I don’t think I ever saw her smile. Her facial muscles seemed permanently scrunched down into an irritated scowl.
Everybody hated her. So did I. She made school painful, not that I needed any more excuse to hate school. To retaliate I never paid attention to any of her classes, which hurt nobody but myself because she taught all the main subjects like math and English. Sometimes, I ostentatiously pressed both hands onto my ears when she started shrieking again, with a scowl as unpleasant as hers. Thankfully, she never caught me.
I went home and complained bitterly about her. My parents told me it’s because she’s unhappy in her life. “She needs to know Christ,” they told me. “Instead of hating her, pray for her.”
So I did. I prayed every night for her soul, and tried to see her as a pitiful heathen who didn’t know Christ.
And then I found out that she was a Christian, because during one class she mentioned something about her church. I was shell-shocked.
I realized then that being “Christian” is just a label. It doesn’t mean you’re a gentle, sweet, smiling saint. I felt slightly disillusioned. Weren’t Christians supposed to be models for the world? Weren’t they supposed to be fragrant with the tender love of Christ?
And then as I grew up I discovered “un-Christian” behaviors within myself as well. I, who attacked my cousin with a sharpened pencil because she wouldn’t obey me. I, who deliberately disobey my parents and teachers just because I don’t like being told what to do. Why, I even troll the playgrounds looking for kids to pick fights, and I get into catfights with my best friend at least once every two weeks over stupid things like food. What kind of Christian is that?
As I grew older I discovered subtler but just as unattractive traits about myself: I am proud, impatient, willful, spiteful, foolish, selfish and rash. I’m quick to judge, quick to temper, quick to swear, but slow to love, gentleness and kindness. At times I wondered if maybe I’m the anti-Christ, because I sure was the opposite of everything He was.
At some point in my life I discovered I have no idea what it means to be a “good Christian” anymore. I realized that I’m not the only “bad” Christian. I mean, just look back into history. Read the flawed, weak characters in the Bible. Observe the people in the church then, and the church now. It was a huge revelation for me to understand that God doesn’t command us to be “perfect Christians.” He wants us to be Christ-like, but He also wants us to be authentic.
But then that brings me to this raw question: What does it mean to be an “Authentic Christian?”
In my quest to be authentic and honest, I loosened up my principles. I became increasingly antagonistic to legalism, which I considered deadweight to understanding true Christianity. I bristled when people told me Christians shouldn’t swear, smoke or drink. I wanted to go against the grain of the conventional Christian. I was sick of people sprouting negative stereotypes of Christians. I was also tired of being tied down to what I can and cannot do as a Christian, and what I must and mustn’t do to be that model Christian. You just never seemed to be able to do anything right as a Christian.
I’m starting to reevaluate these notions.
Last weekend I received a butt-load of verbal lashing from my father. Those of you who are regular readers might have noticed that I deleted my last post. In that last post, I had taken and posted a picture of my Bible and a glass of wine.
My dad went ballistic—not because I drink wine, but because of the sinful connotations of alcohol, and my flippancy with it by juxtapositioning wine with the sacred Bible. He asked, What would readers think, given the context I framed? Why would I want to send out that kind of easily misinterpreted message?
I argued back as I always do; I wasn’t about to be yelled at without defending myself. We argued back and forth for more than an hour, but he being the wiser father of course got the last word. In the end I told him I’ll obey him in this matter because it’s so important to him, but regarding his reasons for it, I need to think and pray about it and determine a clear stance for myself.
One thing my dad said that night stays with me: “Are you that proud and confident, that you think you can overcome the vice of alcohol? That you’re impervious to the temptation of addiction and abuse?”
At first when I heard that, indignation flared up inside me. “What do you mean by that?” I exclaimed. “That I’ll become an alcoholic? For Goodness sakes, I drink at most a glass once every few months!”
But later as I thought the conversation over, I understood what he meant. I never thought it possible that I would be enslaved by anorexia. I remember the same prideful scorn I had when I first heard of anorexia, which sounded like a stupid, insane disease to me. I have a history of self-abuse and addiction—who am I to confidently boast I would never fall prey to other kinds of vices?
I’ve been stubbornly blind and insensitive to the legion of dark temptations that whisper all around me every single day. I believe in a spiritual world, in which all sorts of spiritual battles are fought. I believe in dark and good forces, in sinful natures and temptations, in absolute rights and wrongs.
But knowing isn’t the same as being aware. These are different conditions that produce quite different behaviors and attitudes.
I want to be an authentic Christian, and I know that’s what God wants me to be, too. I don’t want to be weighed down by legalism, self-imposing laws upon myself and others. I don’t want to play the dangerous game with liberalism either. Neither do I want to be muddled up by ethnic customs or ulterior motives. Nor do I want to be immersed in apathy, merely following habitual motions without freshness.
So what does it mean to be an authentic Christian?
I want to say it’s a lifelong pursuit, a long process—but that’s laziness. Authenticity can and should be enjoyed right now, right here, with my present flaws and strengths.
First and foremost, I want to enjoy Christ. I want to first have a real, authentic relationship with Him—who cares what others think of our relationship, what matters most is that I can have a natural intimacy with Him first.
Second: Being a Christian shouldn’t be painful, but it shouldn’t exactly be a safe bubble of comfort, either. The world isn’t an oasis for us Christians—that’s been prepared for us in another world. There are things we need to stand and fight for, principles that need to be clearly drawn, tasks to perform, mistakes to be made and learned.
It’s too easy to go, “Well, God loves me, He forgave my sins, thank you Lord, Hallelujah!” and then forget the next desire God portrayed: to love others. How many times have non-Christians ironically re-quoted “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you?”—simply because we Christians don’t exemplify that famous line by Jesus?
It’s not easy being a Christian. Being an authentic Christian isn’t all that straightforward, either. But I’ve been pondering what it means to truly live out an authentic Christian life, because I think it’s absolutely worth mulling over, especially because it’s so easy to fall prey to less-than-ideal—well, inauthentic—understandings of Christian living.
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{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
Your candor = gift.
May we see we are all His instruments..
What an honest post. Tough question … and one that I often struggle with as well.
Love this post. I struggle myself.
thanks for ‘slapping’ me with your words. I totally felt what you think of yourself previously.. I am a christian, living a non-christian life.. I felt like a ‘fallen angel’, whom has stop praying for the past decade… yes, if you ask do I know God, yes, I do, but.. I think im still living in my comfort zone, not wanting to take a step out of it and start living the life that God wants me to live…
Big sigh.
After reading your post, well, more or less, it did wake me up, a question suddenly popped out from my mind :
”If you wouldn’t want to make a change now, then when?”
It did not bother me to see the Bible and glass of wine next to each other. It never occured to me that it sent out the wrong message. Posting a picture of wine does not mean you will or will not become an alcoholic. I interpreted it more like you were spending an evening relaxing, reading the Bible and sipping a glass of wine while thinking about what you were reading. Wine is always on the Catholic altar, for its symbolic reasons. It doesn’t necessarily have to have a negative connotation. I think it was respectful towards your father to delete the post if it meant so much to him but I still think this is your space where you should be able to express yourself freely, especially if you meant nothing wrong with it.
agree with Nuts about food
Hi
Your posts, to me, sound like someone who is closer to being an authentic Christian than most people I’ve met. You write with humility and honesty, you admit to not being perfect and you’ve always sounded accepting and open minded towards others.
I think you could be right with both that it’s a lifelong journey and that it’s something we need to be doing our best to be NOW. Life IS a series of NOWS. I think that it is important to live each ‘right now’ moment the very best that we can. With all our hearts, completely open to God… I think it involves a lot of acceptance because in each right now, we have to accept that things are the way they are. What is, IS, who we are, we are. Because part of living right now is seeing things as they are. We can have dreams and hopes to change things for the better but we can’t do that if we aren’t able to accept what it is that needs changing, or able to lay aside any personal bias and listen deeply for our Father’s directions to us.
I think some people are a bit too literal and in their striving to be the ‘perfect’ Christian, they stray off the path altogether. Case in point, my friend recently finally admitted to herself, then came out to her community as being gay. I think she was one of the last people close to her to know – I know I’d guessed a long time before that. It’s just how she IS. She has been born that way – it’s an integral part of her. She’s deeply Christian and is a trained pastor, and much loved in her church. Until she accepted she was gay – and suddenly the church turned against her. Just like that, they cast her out and love stopped flowing. Even those who didn’t say anything stopped talking to her, avoided her, etc. Her behaviour hadn’t changed, she hadn’t changed. She was the same person they’d come to love and respect right up until that G word was mentioned.
So who was the most Christian one there? I think God would have wanted His people to act with love and acceptance not judgement and hatred and it’s broken my heart and hers to see her treated that way.
It made me realise that what sort of Christian I really am isn’t so much about how I act in the presence of others, it’s how I am in my heart. It’s also accepting that I can’t ever be a completely authentic or perfect Christian because I AM a sinner, and I AM imperfect, I have human failings and urges. All I can do is try my best moment by moment.
I think your dad was a bit harsh though!
Sorry for this ramble, bit too late at night for me, not making sense
What an incredible post. Your honesty takes my breath away. I too want to be authentic, and for me, that means trying to remove all the barriers that are standing in the way of me getting closer to Christ. It’s hard to let go. But when I put down what I’m grasping so tightly in my fists, my palms are open to receive Him. Thanks for sharing your heart here, girl.
Ok, I try to make this very simple for you. Its simply: Holy Spirit. Pls note, its neither Holy Law, nor Free Spirit. Its Holy Spirit. Holy, meaning its righteous, loving and good…yet it comes thru the Spirit, meaning its not a set of law, standards or rigid requirements. Its an infinite spirit (heart) of God. So its simply, Holy Spirit. Ponder upon it. I’m sure God has given you a very good brain and blessed heart to understand…:)
Another excellent post and something that I have to thing about. I also didn’t think there was anything wrong with the Bible and a glass of wine. I think what’s beautiful is that you are reading the bible.
As always, your posts show your honest soul searching and impressive willingness to look at things from every possible angle.
That teacher was a person you know you don’t ever want to be like. It’s always good to take people whose values you don’t relate to, and use them as examples of how you want to be different.
I don’t necessarily agree with your Father’s take at all on the picture in your last post. He made a judgement that was his interpretation, and that doesn’t mean there aren’t other more innocuous ones.
Temptations are to be weighed – and then you decide if it will be something that works for you – or against you.
However, being authentic, and relating with integrity to a loving God while taking responsibility for your life and choices by always striving to be aware of what you do, is a wonderful way to be and live.
((hugs))
I love it when you have thought-provoking posts like this. I think the beauty of an authentic Christian is what you’re doing, constantly mulling over what this is. All Christians are flawed and constantly learning and I think that’s one of the reasons why God gave us free will. Great post.
Being an authentic Christian is letting God direct us, not trying to direct him to direct us. My, does that make sense? You’re right, it’s a lifelong process, and one which will see us fall over and over again. This is why Catholics have the sacrament of reconciliation.
Powerful post. Thank you.
Hi Sophia,
Once again, I am touched and encouraged by your entry. I was captured by the title of your entry because I am currently struggling as being an “authentic Christian”. Because I know if I say I am a Christian, then I feel I am probably lying. This reminds me of a verse that I have been reading and pondering from this past week’s BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) class.
“This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all. If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin.” – 1 John 1:5-7
“And this is the judgment: the light has come into the world, and people loved the darkness rather than the light because their works were evil.” – John 3:19
This is true because I can speak from my own honesty. For the past year or so, I have not gone to church. So, clearly, I am not fellowshipping with God. I have also been engulfed with all my worldly tech toys and apps. I am constantly thinking about making more money. My mind is filled with impure thoughts. Filled with anger, resentment, and jealousy. Also filled with sadness and unhappiness. Always feeling I never have enough.
I am like those people who seems to love the darkness rather than the light. And I only do evil things. Which is true, my evil things may not be so dramatic as like I am a robber or a killer. But the fact that I am idolizing worldly things, like tech toys, sport teams, making money and stock market. Or it could be things like cussing and swearing. Or road rage. Or talking about my supervisor/boss behind their back. Or even simply lying, whether is it lying in facts or by omission. I can go on forever about all the evil that I do. And yet I didn’t really find any need to change these things. It’s as if I really “loved the darkness”.
But it just took a wake up call. Some bad situation occured at work. Suddenly, I received a huge salary cut (by 43%). This was totally depressing. I finally started crawling back to God. I had walked away with my head up full of pride. But now I am crawling back, with my head down on my knees, to Him. This is analogous to the story of the story of the prodigal son. Of course we know how that ends. The super loving God of all time is happy to have me back. But much of the beauty is that He sees us coming from far away. And that is an indication that He is waiting every day for us to come back. Like, You can imagine a human father who loves his son/daughter. And everyday he just looks out the window to see if his son is coming home.
I mean, I have kind of seen something similar to what my parents did when one of my sisters got mad and left the house. Sometimes they would walk all the way to the front door, open it and go outside just looking around in hope that their daughter will return home. And this is only parental love. Can you imagine the love of God, which is MUCH MUCH greater than the parental love?!?!
Also in my situation, I am reminded of the story of Joseph. But of course my situation is completely different. And you probably can’t even compare the two properly. But I’m just going to share the verse anyway and point out an encouraging statement.
As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today. -Genesis 50:20
What this verse shows me is that God is in total control. And even though there are bad things happening to me in my life. God means it all for good! For example, people might look at my situation and of course it’s a bad thing that happened. But the fact is that “God meant it for good!” I mean, if this never happened, then I wouldn’t have gone back to church last week. Or, I wouldn’t have started going to BSF. And I probably wouldn’t even be typing this entry or reading your post.
Anyway, thanks for the encouraging entry. And I just want you to know that I feel as though I totally understand your situation or thinking. But as humans we are: “prone to wander” and “prone to leave the God I love” quoted from the hymn – Come thou fount of every blessing. But I believe if I was an authentic Christian, then I would truly love the Lord with all my heart, mind and soul.
But I know I still wouldn’t be perfect. But at least I wouldn’t love the darkness over the light. I would strive everyday making my glorification to God as the top of my todo list as opposed to seeing if my silly stocks went up or down. Or checking out the lastest iphone app. Or checking out if my home team won. Or seeing what my friends facebook status are. Or reading about fitness and workouts.
If I am not putting God first, then I am essentially choosing darkness over light. And I would say I am not an authentic Christian. Anyhow, I hope that I can humble myself before the Lord. With God, I can do anything! I will end this entry with one of my favorite quotes: “How can anyone be arrogant when he stands beside the cross?” – Carl Henry
–
Jonathan
I can’t speak to the authentic Christian part, but when it comes to alcohol I don’t see how it is any different than anything else – fruit, chocolate, working, even school. There are those who will abuse anything, but most of us are capable of moderating and enjoying everything life has to offer in a healthy way.
I have found that being a Christian is akin to walking a tightrope because you have to find a perfect balance so that you won’t fall. If you focus on everything you can’t do and do only what is positively right, you risk becoming like the Pharisees and valuing “laws” over the whole truth. But you also can’t really be a Christian and be an alcoholic, drug abuser, etc. Being a Christian means following Christ and that would be going in the opposite direction. I have found that Christianity truly is a very narrow path to take and it takes a lot of courage to follow it fully…and I do fail daily. I don’t judge other Christians that enjoy wine, and while I did take note of the wine glass by your Bible, it didn’t strike me as ungodly. But for me, I made a personal decision to not drink at all, except for tastes sometimes, as addiction runs in my family. I don’t want to tempt them to drink, and I don’t want to become an alcoholic either. It can be aggravating to realize how limiting Christianity can be when it comes to a social life, but in the end all that really matters is our eternal life…so I guess looking like a freak here on Earth is worth it if it helps get us there! lol And hopefully us freaks will help a few others join us in heaven by our freakiness.
Hey Sophia,
Enjoy your Heavenly Papa, the only thing that really matter is your relationship with Him, everything else will fall into place when you enjoy a relationship with Him. The Holy Spirit will be your guide! Then you really don’t have to worry about being authentic or not! What your Heavenly Father cares most about is your relationship with Him, because everything else will fall into place!
I enjoy my quiet time with a cup of tea and cookie!:)
Extremely beautiful, honest and descriptive writing. I admit I’ve felt this way a bunchhhhh of times over which is why I will always have some beef with Christians- esp. Catholics, but I still love Him nevertheless.
I agree with what most of your readers are saying though… I don’t think it was at all sacrilegious for you to photo a Bible next to a cup of wine. In Catholic mass, we have like 6 glasses of wine on the altar with the priest. But I definitely respect you for obeying your father even though you don’t agree with him.
Dear Sophia,
For me, religion is one thing but I believe what truly matters is being a descent, respectful and compassionate human being.
Your honesty is a blessing for me today. Just taking it all in. This post has given me a lot to think about. xo
Good thoughts.
Sophia, I absolutely love this post. My feeling is that anyone who says they are always the “perfect Christian” is delusional or has no idea about being a Christian at all. Having a relationship with Christ is a wonderful, joyous thing, but it also can be (and should be) hard. It’s not the end goal; it’s what you do each and every day. My church has a wonderful motto…”A place to belong! A place to become!” Yes, you belong, because everyone is loved and welcome and belongs in the kingdom of God. That sense of belonging is so vital and wonderful and is one of the best parts of Christian life. But God also knows your potential…He knows what you CAN be…so He is never satisfied!
“But knowing isn’t the same as being aware. These are different conditions that produce quite different behaviors and attitudes.”
This was a really powerful and true statement, not just in the context of being an authentic Christian – but in the search or pursuit of any sort of betterment, acceptance, truth, etc. Thanks.
How did I miss this?
This blows me away…perhaps (could I even pick?) one of my favorite articles of yours and also very illuminating and convicting and ultimately inspiring and guiding for me to read.
<3
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