***** This post is for the individuals who emailed me about the controversy of struggling with faith and an eating disorder. I have yet to respond to some…mostly because I didn’t know how. And then I heard a praise song today in church…and it all came back to me. This is my post to them. *****

I remember when I first returned home after being hospitalized at (and basically dropped out from) Northwestern University.

It was beyond-words humiliating. Just imagine– the whole church sending you off to college, half-hopeful and half-anxious for you. Some of them even packed allowances and gift cards for me. They all knew my state, but I had provided them with assurance that college would be my healing ground. I had seemed to make a bit of improvement, so they were expecting to welcome a healthier, rosier-cheeked girl during winter break.

Barely over a month later, I returned. Everything had happened so fast; my mom hopped onto the most immediate flight to Chicago to visit me in the hospital; three days after being in the ICU, I checked out, packed up everything at my dorm room, and flew back to Washington, D.C. I barely said goodbye to anyone, and other than the elders and deacons at church, nobody at church knew I was back.

That Sunday, I walked into the hall of shame. I had lost about 10 pounds within a month in college. I knew I looked like hell, and I could barely peek into the expressions of the people at church when they saw me.

It looked to me like an expression of shock, disappointment and pity.

“Sophia, you’re back!” they said with awkward smiles, patting me gingerly on my back, wondering if they might break my frail bones by touching me. “Is it winter break already?”

“Uh, no,” I would whisper. “I’m back for good.”

And there would be silence. Because they knew what it meant. We all knew what it meant. There was just nothing more to say. I mean, what was there to say? What words could mean anything at that moment? What words could help me?

I edged to the back of the room, shivering and cuddling my big mug of tea. I was always drinking hot tea at the time because I was always so darn cold, and also because I wanted to fill my stomach up with something non-caloric. But it doesn’t really work; it kind of just made me hungrier after a few initial minutes of satiety. Also, it made me pee every five seconds. That meant I was cold, miserable, ashamed, and what’s more, my bladder was always aching uncomfortably.

That moment right there, I truly hated myself. No, actually, I didn’t even care enough to hate myself. Scorn is a much more accurate word. I scorned the pathetic excuse of a human being I was. I felt disgusted with the way I had disappointed everyone, and I despaired that I was doomed to live as a subject of pity– until people got sick of pitying me and started ostracizing me, that is.

Such were the thoughts that ran my mind as I fumbled around in a winter coat by myself at the very back of the church.

The service started, as always, with praise songs. And I will always remember this one song that changed my entire attitude that day. I haven’t heard it for awhile, but today during Sunday service, my church played this song again and I suddenly felt the urge to share this song on my blog.

The praise song is inspired from the bible verse Jeremiah 1:5– ”Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee.”

Here’s the lyrics:

He Knows My Name (I Have A Maker)

Verse 1:
I have a Maker
He formed my heart
Before even time began
My life was in his hands

Chorus:
He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
and He hears me when I call

Verse 2:
I have a Father
He calls me His own
He’ll never leave me
No matter where I go

Chorus:
He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
and He hears me when I call

I remember bursting into tears as this song played. I couldn’t even sing because I was so choked with emotions; I just cried silently as the song played. It was just so perfect for me at the time. It hit me just the right spot as I recalled that no matter how alone and scared I was, God understood every unconscious and conscious thought in my mind. No matter how inexplicable and painful my suffering and shame, God felt every tear and unsettlement in my heart.

That moment, I let Christ wash the shame and hurt away from me. I was reminded of just how precious and powerful it actually means that I am someone whom God knows, loves and understands. He knows my name, He knows who I am, what I’m thinking,  what I’m feeling, why I am the way I am.

Some people misunderstand what “Christ as my Savior” means. It doesn’t mean that everything is suddenly going to be easy and smooth from then on. Far from it!! All Christians understand how freaking hard it is to be a Christian– and I don’t mean a Sunday or Easter or Christmas church-attender– in this age. It’s not easy to navigate a world with so many temptations and secular philosophies. It’s obviously harder when you’re dealing with guilt over your eating disordered issues.

But what I’ve learned along the way is that success is not a permanent one-stop stand. You may have conquered your eating disordered issues now, but there will be other issues along the road. No matter what you’re dealing with, there’s always going to be problems. Why? Because we’re humans. Because we live in this world. Because if we were all-happy and perfect, “Christ as my Savior” really doesn’t mean much.

Success is a daily achievement, a constant goal, a 24/7 direction. The lyrics of the song speaks volumes to me because it describes a permanent, unchangeable state of being. It describes you as a creation, a beloved child. That is an identity that you can’t transform back. You’re already made. You’re already named. You’re already loved. You’re already called. You already…are. What bigger success is there?

What happens from then on, is a day-to-day progression of surrender and entrustment. Because we’re humans, it’s just too easy to forget about God and live our busy, entangled lives. That’s why we need constant nourishment of God’s words. That’s why we need to sing praises like this daily. That’s why we need to preserve our relationship with Him through continuous prayer. That’s why we need to stay close to the church to remind, strengthen and encourage us as the body of Christ.

If it feels too hard or daunting right now, that’s all right. I understand what it feels like to be so overwhelmed with spiritual fatigue and numbness that you can barely muster up the enthusiasm to call out to God. But surely, you can press a key and listen to this song. Just play it. And some time, think– really think– about what the lyrics mean to you.

Related posts:

1. Weekend ED Series: Feeding on His Words
2. Weekend ED Series: Bagel, Cookie, and Danielle
3. Weekend ED Series: The 5 Holes
4. ED Weekend Series: The Black Swan
5. Weekend ED Series: A Letter

Tagged as: christianity, eating disorders, faith