This is the 46th post of my Weekend ED Series. It’s also probably my last.
I’m not entirely sure. There may have been things that I’ve missed. After all, there’s always more story to tell. I might one day have a sudden inspiration and decide to add another post to the series, but for now, this is the last of a consistent weekly write-up.
I’ve actually quite liked writing the series, and I really did appreciate and enjoy reading the different (and sometimes differing) responses and stories from readers. As much as I find it interesting to learn about different experiences, I’m also constantly surprised and chilled by how similar eating disorder symptoms are.
Before I started sinking into this mental and spiritual disease, I had never read up on eating disorders. I first heard about it from my dad, who told me about this crazy illness that makes emaciated girls think they’re fat. I only half-believed him. Then I started watching it in the media, and it sounded like a privileged disease for rich and spoiled girls wanting attention. I caught headlines about so-and-so anorexic celebrity and so-and-so bulimic singer, and then the disease seemed rather glamorous, like a new trend for jutting bones.
I never for once imagined I would be victim to such a disease. And then I realized all the stereotypes, while having bits and bites of truth to them, were inaccurate.
Struggling with an eating disorder is absolute HELL. It’s one of the most humiliating, painful and destructive thing that can happen to a person and his or her loved ones. It can also just about happen to anyone. I don’t believe in having an exact “criteria” for eating disorders. In this society, at this age, anyone can develop an eating disorder. Anything can be a trigger; an innocent diet can lead to binges and bulimic practices. A slight comment can lead to anorexic obsessions. A random period of boredom and upset situations can lead to various forms of EDNOS. Or perhaps you’re already living in a breeding ground for eating disorder due to culture, personality traits or genetics.
Yes, it’s scary. But at the same time, struggling with this have given me tremendous blessings. Without suffering, I don’t think I could have made the personal and spiritual developments I need to be a decent human being. I wouldn’t have formed a secure system for self realization and attained an absolute assurance in my self identity as a weak but beloved, blessed child of God.
Of course, I don’t think every person needs to have to go through such a disease in order to mature and grow. But everyone has their own set of problems. Battling eating disorders was mine. It was my biggest trial in my 24 years on earth, and because of it, I have stories to tell. Because of it, I have learned humility and empathy. Because of it, I understand the frailty of the human mind and will– and witnessed the awe-striking power and grace of God. Because of it, I appreciate the little things in life just a bit more.
Am I totally recovered now?
I can’t say with 100% conviction. What does “being recovered” mean anyway? That I never feel fat? That I love myself unconditionally and strut around with unwavering confidence? That I can eat two Super Size McDonald’s fries every single day like I used to in middle school?
If that’s it, then no. I still occasionally fight feelings of discomfort with my body. I still avoid the scale because I don’t want to deal with panic attacks. I’m still in the process of letting go the many, many unhealthy habits that I’ve accumulated over 4-5 years of various eating disorders. I still have many insecurities– insecurity about my looks, insecurity about my journalistic skills, insecurity about my personality, insecurity about my past, and all those other silly issues that any 24-year-old college student deals with.
But I’ve changed.
You know what’s the best thing about recovery? Even though your eating disordered periods leaves stains of hideous memories inside you, recovery helps create tons of wonderful ones to alleviate the trauma.
I remember when I first discovered new hair sprouting from my almost bald scalp.
I remember my first four-cheese white pasta, my first time using real full-fat cheese, et cetera, all the little incidents when I spit in ED’s face.
I remember lugging my baggage out of the arrival terminal at Washington Dulles International Airport after five months in Singapore. I remember spotting my dad amidst the crowd, and watching his face light up with tremendous joy when he saw how much better I looked.
I remember receiving my second acceptance letter to the University of Southern California, heart swelling with glee that finally– I can reply with certainty: YES.
And many, many more.
Recovery isn’t a state of being; it’s an active process. It doesn’t mean that you’re returning back to your previous self. Once you’ve suffered with an eating disorder, you’re transformed for life. No, recovery, I think, is a journey to an even better and wiser phase in life. You’re changed, and you continue to change and grow.
Everyone seems to have a different idea of what the attainment of “recovered” means. And honestly, you know what? I have better things to do and think about than worry whether or not I’m “recovered.”
But perhaps that’s a form of recovery. I don’t label myself as eating disordered anymore. That’s somebody else in the past. I’m me. My identity doesn’t belong to ED’s. I am my own unique person.
Where I am right now is free. I feel so incredibly, gloriously free. I’m not saying I’m galloping with unbreakable happiness, unfettered by problems. I have my own set of problems and issues, but they are not circling inside the Eating Disorder Well.
Do you know the frog in the well story? I used to feel like the frog trapped inside a well, but now I’m a frog that has discovered the limitless opportunities and connections in this world. I have dreams that are just waiting to be explored and fulfilled. They are no longer considered with wistful, hopeless longing; instead, they are anticipated with real excitement and curiosity.
I also have a full range of emotions other than fear and self-loathing. I can laugh with spirited mirth, but I can also cry and rage over things that have nothing to do with ED.
And the things I can do in a day! It’s freaking awesome to be able to care about issues and things beyond the ED scope. I can discuss and debate religion, film, music, art, cultures, history, whatever! As much as I still enjoy food, I can enjoy many other activities that aren’t necessarily involved with food (though really, food somehow is inevitable in many activities). I never freak out over a certain food anymore (unless it’s something truly disgusting like placenta or fertilized duck embryo). I can eat anything and everything; I don’t follow any diets or restrictions. And I don’t feel the desire to work out 2-3 hours each day, nor do I have the time for that, thank God.
The best thing is that I’m at the level where I can look back, pinpoint the low moments in my ED days, and thank God for that specific experience. I’m always discovering more and more understandings and realizations on why God let me go through this or that particular situation. As ugly as those days were, recovery has helped me gain more feelings of thanksgiving than bitterness.
How do I know if I’m recovered? I don’t think I can. But if I’m just at– say, 60% into recovery and already I’m receiving this much richness and freedom from life…then wow, I sure don’t mind discovering more of it!
Thoughts to Ponder:
1) How do you think one can know for sure if she or he is recovered?
2) Do you think you’re “recovered”?
3) What’s the BEST thing about recovery that you’ve experienced?
Related posts:
{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }
Recently, I read a blog by a woman who is overweight and has been struggling with her eating disorder for years. A short while ago, she talked about the compulsion to binge. A few days later, she proclaimed her binge eating “cured”. She’s a lot older than you and had a lot more miles in terms of life experience, but you are far the wiser because you said:
“Recovery isn’t a state of being; it’s an active process.”
She has a lot of followers and I was frustrated by the destructive potential of her ignorance and the notion that you can be “cured”, let alone be cured in a few days as she seemed to be indicating.
One of the hardest things to realize about eating disorders is that they are something that you are very unlikely to ever stop shouldering the burden of one. Even when you are largely recovered, you’re still tweaking mentally all of the time – silencing nagging voices and shooing away old demons. I don’t think it is ever over or easy because food is with you everyday. It’s a constant challenge emotionally and behaviorally.
Thank you for sharing your stories and your wisdom. You really have grown and learned from the experience, and you’ve done so much better than others with similar issues.
Great story. Thanks for sharing it. im not that chubby or fatty person but i also have problem eating just like you. well thanks for sharing it
good job and good luck 
Great post, receive a lot of grace from it.
SO touched when reading this post! I think the best thing about letting go of those disordered thoughts and ‘emerging’ as a whole new person is actually the joy that fills your heart when you see the ones who love you, care you express their genuine smiles when they witness how healthy and cheery you’ve became.
Wonderful post Sophia. Your ED blog has enriched my recovery as well. Have your parents read this post? They must be beaming to see how much you’ve grown, changed and how you now enjoy your life.
I read somewhere that only 50% of people recover from ED, and that depends on when its ‘caught’. Congratulations Sophia, we are so blessed to come through this.
a fan of your blog,
W&W
Since life is a work in progress I think this is a good “wrap up for now.” You can always update the series as needed/inspired.
Love this post especially much – because it is really brimming with hope. I can relate to you – in that recovery may not yet be 100% (whatever “recovery” may mean) but there is so much more life nowadays. Perhaps the best “thing” I have experienced in the course of my recovery journey is God – God’s liberating love; God’s unfathomable patience; God’s provision of even the friendships that seem to happen so “randomly”; and ultimately God’s calling upon my life. I am truly proud of you, dear sis (thinking of naming my first daughter after you too, hehe) – keep growing in the Lord. I pray that you would be God’s instrument of encouragement to many others, as you have through this ED series on your blog! Many hugs and blessings.
I think this statement
“I have better things to do and think about than worry whether or not I’m “recovered.”
Is probably the best summary of what my vision of recovery would be like.
Being able to say that (actually living “that”). Just…over it. Life is what happens while we’re busy thinking about or ED past and recovery etc. Sometimes recovery in itself can take on it’s own disorderly state.
You never fail to inspire me and give me hope, Sophia.
You’ll truly never understand and the beautiful thing is, I KNOW I am not alone.
One of YOU impacting MANY.
I most certainly will be revisiting and re-reading (I already have) so I am glad you have the page with the bookmarks!
It’s a constant progress, not a state, I totally agree.
And also, there’s SOOOOO much to discover beyond the ED! Not only activities, but also thoughts, emotions, and spirituality. It’s amazing, every single day.
Very good and thoughtful post, as always in this series, Sophia!
I can relate much
thanks for sharing , wonderful story ..
good job.
I don’t know about recovery. I think it’s very much a one day at a time thing. you know like addiction. Because I don’t think the feelings, body image issues and anxiety ever goes away.
Have you heard about OperationBeautiful.com ? Its a great site for everyone that can relate to body image issues.
I loved your post! I’m struggling with disordered eating thoughts a bit right now, as I was put on an antidepressant that may make me gain weight, which is triggering, but I still consider myself in recovery, because I know I will win. I have absolutely no doubts in my ability to recover anymore! My mind wants me to restrict, but at every meal I make myself eat and then I am able to enjoy the food. I know I will always struggle a little with the thoughts, but each day the disordered thoughts get smaller and smaller and the recovery me grows and grows…
Hi there! I’m so mixed on this- I’m so happy for you that you feel recovered enough to feel like you don’t ‘need’ to write this series anymore, and yet, I find it so interesting.
Hugs to you!
I don’t think you are ever 100% cured. Those thoughts are always there, I think recovery is the ability to deal with them in a healthy manner. I am opposite from you in the fact that I thought living with an ED was much easier than recovery. When I was battling anorexia I had rules that guided my life. I didn’t have to deal with all the negative emotions that I do now. I’m not saying I was happy go lucky but I was just numb which is an incredibly easy way to handle a complicated life. Looking back I can see the hellish life I lived but day to day, life seemed easier.
Thank you so much for sharing your story!! Your blog has really helped me deal with my own ED issues and challenged me to think outside of my current recovery “bubble”.
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