If you look at the archive listed by month on my sidebar (peek to the right), you’ll see that I first started blogging December 2008. That was around the time when I had just arrived in Singapore. I was at the uphill of my recovery, and I’ve been blogging ever since.
Blogging has helped my recovery in tremendous ways. I do not think that it started my recovery, or that without it I wouldn’t have made much progress. But it definitely made the battle somehow more efficient.
As I’ve said before, I never went to a eating disorder-specific treatment center. The only medical and professional help I got was being hospitalized, hooked up to the EKG and being fed hospital food for a few days. I didn’t have a therapist and I didn’t join an eating disorder support group. I craved some kind of community though.
Although my parents were wonderful to me and listened to whatever I had to say without judgment, it still wasn’t quite the same. Even though I tried to explain my fears and ED rationales to my brothers and sisters in church, my bible group and my friends, at some point I just got so tired of trying to explain this disorder. Because as I was trying to explain it, it just sounded so dumb and crazy even to me– yet the feeling was so real; the obsession griped me every second. Thus I got flustered and frustrated each time I had to try to explain all those complicated and complex workings of the eating disordered mind to someone who had never experienced such mental disorders before.
At some point, I just wanted to be able to talk about my struggles frankly and straight to the point without having to explain them. Or tell the history of how and why I got my eating disorder. I just wanted…to tell. Not explain, not teach, not debate, just comfortably and honestly tell.
I’d actually been blogging even before I started Burp and Slurp. But that blogging was more like a private diary. I used it as an online substitute for a journal and most of the ramblings I recorded down was directed at myself, for my eyes only.
But then I discovered a whole community out there in the World Wide Web. I don’t know how I found it, but I must have been clicking through the healthy living blogs I’ve been perusing daily and somehow stumbled upon a few blogs that were written by eating disordered individuals who were in recovery.
It was like stumbling into a goldmine. I had been searching online for months and years looking for an online chat group or something, where I could make friends with whom I could discuss recovery and motivate each other. I found one and signed up, but I was kicked out and blocked because I stupidly mentioned my current weight at the time and it was deemed pro-Ana and triggering to the other girls.
The niche of eating disorder recovery blogs is a whole new world that was utterly new to me. When I first read one, I wanted to hug the writer for all the honest struggles she published because I felt like she was reading my mind. It was a Wow dude, get outta my head! kind of realization that there are many, many, oh so many people out there struggling with such eerily similar problems as me. That in itself gave me some kind of comfort to know that I’m not alone. I’m not crazy. It also gave me sufficient reconfirmation that I– Sophia Lee– was not truly a self-absorbed, narcissistic, cruel, conniving, self-pitying wretch. It was the eating disorder who made me– and a whole group of other people– that way.
As someone who has been writing ever since she learned the alphabet, I couldn’t just sit and watch other people’s writings on screen. I had to participate. I had to write! I had so many stories and things to say jumbled and cramped into my mind, pushing against my forehead and buzzing to be released into concrete words.
So I started a blog, too. This blog.
At the beginning, I followed the unofficial template of recording almost everything I ate in a day. I was somewhere at the discovering cooking stage, so most of my food was the usual and similar to many of the other blogs. I was so excited about having my own blog that I basically just babbled about the happenings in my day. I don’t exactly remember the things I wrote and honestly I don’t really want to because it makes me cringe when I peek into my really old blog posts.
I wanted to record my recovery. One thing I promised myself as I was blogging was to be as true to myself as I could be. I wanted to be honest with my struggles, and the purpose of my blog was to write down my thoughts and feelings and use it as a practical tool to help me through the messy tangles of recovery. I also wanted to make new friends who were in the same boat as me, and I had lofty, shiny dreams of us forming a team of ED conquerors, busting ED’s ass and congratulating each other at the end.
That didn’t happen, as at some point I realized that while being part of the ED recovery community was helpful in the way that it made me feel less alone, it could also turn into a mire that keeps me stuck in a never-ending cycle of “trying” to recover. But before I get into that, I want to talk about how it did help me:
- There is so much power in the written word.
At least for me, writing something down makes me think so much clearer. Sometimes I wouldn’t even really understand what I’m feeling and why I feel that way until I just write down the things that pop into my mind and then organize them until they become clear to me. Blogging my daily little struggles with ED made it clear to me each day that I’m in a battle, that I am struggling, that I am fighting. That helped me keep in track from losing sight of my goal and getting stuck in limbo.
- It pushed me to challenge myself.
Okay, when you’re in recovery, and actually making some actions of recovery, there will be many, many little “victories.” Some of them may be big, but most of them are pretty silly, like eating dinner a couple hours later than your self-assigned time, or eating three chocolates instead of two, stuff like that. So. Who are you going to boast about these silly tales of mini-mini-mini successes? Only the eating disorder recovery community can really understand how much they mean to you.By being able to blog all these small triumphs, I felt a rush of real confidence and satisfaction. After all, being able to talk out loud (or type) about your overcomings justify them as a real thing. And having commenters congratulate me and being happy for me…well, it made me want to have another episode of victory to brag about, which pushed me to challenge myself more and more.
- It kept me sane.
Recovery can be freaking long, and at times, it is boring, especially if you’re stuck in a life where you aren’t really doing anything. You don’t have much of a social life, and that ends up being a big hindrance to your recovery because you get depressed and even weirder just hanging out by yourself at home. I was blogging daily, and it was almost like a fun homework to me. I liked having work to do, and that kept my brain active. It also kept me engaged to the happenings in other parts of the world, and sort of help me step out of my own little shell.
- It gave me a sense of mission.
By connecting and reading other blogs, blogging made me realize with a shock just how many people are out there struggling with eating disorders. It made me realize that ED is the 21st century epidemic.That made me MADDER at my eating disorder! I hated it so much! I loathed it for making not just my life miserable, but millions of other girls, even girls as young as 9, hate themselves and treat themselves so horribly. The more I blogged, the more I felt this sense of purpose that– well, if I was going to write, I might as well write a testimony. I would honestly write down all my struggles, but I would strive to end them with victories. I wanted to freaking succeed and thus kick ED in the chin and demonstrate to myself and others that the terrible, evil ED? Not so strong anymore.
Right now, it doesn’t matter to me whether my blog is “great” or not. In the process of writing and living and writing, my blog was definitely a huge blessing to me. It wasn’t the start-all, end-all of my recovery, but it was definitely a brilliant…lubricant. It made the daily battle of recovery much more fun, exciting and efficient for me.
But at the same time, it was a bumpy, learning process of figuring out what kind of blogging works for me.
I stopped photographing and recording everything I ate:
I realized how stupid and frankly, harmful to my recovery it really was to write down my daily diet. It was just another form of calorie-counting and obsessing, even if I didn’t actually work out the math. Taking pictures of all my snacks and meals is not normal, and recovery is all about gaining back a normal life. Perhaps it helps other individuals, but it just wasn’t for me.
I stopped participating intensely in the ED recovery community:
As much as I liked the camaraderie and the support, at some point…I just got a bit turned off. It bothered me when I saw some people post the same struggles over and over and over yet do nothing except complain about how hard everything is, and it definitely upset me when I saw their meager meals and ultra-healthy snacks. I’m not proud, but it certainly made me hopping-mad when I saw someone in such blatant denial yet get comments of praise and admiration.
And there were many situations in which it almost felt like I was in the kind of tension-high ED treatment center where really eating disordered girls competed to be the sickest, triggering each other, and bad-mouthing/judging each other behind one another’s back. Except because this was a recovery community, it was even more twisted and you were obliged to continuously say lovely things to someone who clearly needed a wake-up call. I can’t really explain it– all I can say is it didn’t make me feel good. At some point the very thing that had drawn me in started becoming the thing that turned me off.
I struggle with classic “blogger” feelings:
I think almost every blogger inevitably deals with a feeling of self-grandeur. As your readership goes up, you start caring about the numbers– the statistics of how many people are reading, how many people are liking, etc. I hate that I care, but I do. It feels horrible each time I get an unsubscription notice and I wonder what’s wrong with me, the blog, blah blah blah. It hurts especially when I get negative comments. As much as I know I make mistakes and do stupid things, it really hurts to receive attacking comments and I feel like I’m put on a public pedestal for people to judge my imperfections.
It’s stupid, and I have to remind myself why I blog in the first place. At the end, this blog is for me. I’m not earning money from it, I’m not doing it to publish a book, I’m not trying to gain admiration and I’m not even trying to be an inspiration. Because I know I’m not someone to admire. I’m just a simple, weak person who went through ED hell and by the grace of God and the wonderful, loving people He put by my side, I somehow survived. It is an absolute blessing the way my story linked and curled, and I know it was all God’s doing.
So here’s my conclusion to how blogging helped me: At the end, it’s just a tool. It all depends on how I use it, what my attitude and purpose is in using this incredibly utilitarian tool. At the end, I’m still its master. I’m the one holding and using it. The important thing is that I’m still in control of it, and I use it to serve my purposes.
And you know what? I’m still learning to wield it properly. It’s still a learning process. Just like life.
But for now, I love that I have a whole archive of my personal stories and ramblings on file. When I look back to the way I was before, I shudder and thank God I’m not in that condition anymore. It keeps me grounded, and it helps me maintain a sense of empathy for people who may be in that stage right now. It’s a reminder to me that I’m a weak individual, but that I’m a blessed one because I owe my life to God and many, many individuals in my life.
Thoughts to Ponder:
1) Do you have a blog? If not, have you considered having one?
2) If you have a blog, would you recommend others having one and using it for eating disorder recovery purposes?
3) Do you know any other usefulness/pitfalls of blogging that I’ve failed to mention?
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{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }
I think your blog is wonderful and I think that it really helps people understand what ED can be like. Your blog encourages me to keep moving in the right direction, especially with all the pictures of the new foods you’re trying when you’re traveling. My wish is to be like that someday and just be able to enjoy myself and tell myself I’m worth it; I’m worth recovery. Thanks and please keep blogging!
<3
-Cali
“At the end, it’s just a tool. It all depends on how I use it, what my attitude and purpose is in using this incredibly utilitarian tool. At the end, I’m still its master. I’m the one holding and using it. The important thing is that I’m still in control of it, and I use it to serve my purposes.”
I think this says it all. Here is my perspective from someone who has been blogging about one thing or another since the age of 17 (six years) and is only now realizing that the constant search for validation from people we’ve never met online — in place of meaningful relationships with actual people we interact with everyday — has contributed much to my continued struggles with a disordered relationship with food and activity, as well as feelings on inadequacy in other areas of my life.
1) Do you have a blog? If not, have you considered having one?
I have had many, and have shared different levels of my experience in life to certain degrees on those blogs. But the “blogs” I’ve been known on to the internet community have often not been my own, and have led to a sense of employer-employee relationship with the “owner” of those blogs, or the community of readers. On one blog, in which I write about food quite often, I’ve felt stifled in my ability to talk about my faith or life in relation to food, and its led to a very baseline relationship with food and the blog’s readers. I feel angry when they don’t agree with my review of something, and resentful if I’ve spent my money and my calories essentially eating for review purposes. All the while the story of the food — its creation, creativty, the social aspect around it — is lost. I feel my most recent blog, however (the one I link on here) gets more to who I am and what food is in my life. Not my master or something belonging to another, but an essential element of my creativity and sense of adventure and humor.
2) If you have a blog, would you recommend others having one and using it for eating disorder recovery purposes?
All things considered, I would recommend focusing recovery on the real world. Talking to people in face to face interaction about your disorder, and being as open as possible. If I could go back in time I would never get involved in food blogging.
3) Do you know any other usefulness/pitfalls of blogging that I’ve failed to mention?
I think I hit a lot of this in part one. Above all, I think blogging needs to be secondary in outlook to what you are trying to express in life. Find a different way, a more personable and public way, to express yourself before moving on to blogging. Make sure you can stand in front of someone and say “this is me and I’m a human being and I struggle with x, y, and z but I am also dynamic and awsome because a, b, and c” before you decide to tell random people on the internet.
This is a very balanced and well-written evaluation of blogging as a ‘recovery’ tool.
I sometimes feel that the recovery genre of blogs come across as a sort of ‘club,’ with an almost cliquey emphasis on who is/was the ‘sickest’. Craving a sense of community might lead someone extremely isolated in every other respect to stay engaged in disordered behaviours in order to ‘belong.’ When I read recovery blogs and not much else, there was a definite trend that when one person struggled, everybody did, or when the most popular bloggers made progress, so did everyone else (or at least they seemed to feel obliged to give the impression that they were). When there was a relapse for one blogger it was very much like a domino effect for/on the others.
Blogging has helped me to make new friends and actually enhanced my terrible social skills (they’re all the way up to mediocre now!) I’d never have been able to go out for coffee, or even walk down the street in Newcastle without having a panic attack, if it wasn’t for blogging.
My eating habits have become very skewed since blogging, though. They were messed up to start with but they do seem to have deteriorated further, not necessarily because of blogs, but I do get some serious food envy, spend too much money on fancy products and try non ‘safe’ foods that I see slim people eating, failing to realise that the reason I have a weight problem and they don’t is their ability to practice a little thing called portion control. Sometimes I also wonder if I don’t play up to the role I’ve created for myself as the self-styled idiot, the perpetual f**ked up person….but I can’t be certain on that one. I’d probably screw things up just as much even without a blog.
I also agree with you that it’s very frustrating to see people being congratulated for being ‘healthy’ when they’re not. I’ve always appreciated your honesty, and it’s something the blog world still needs more of.
xxx
That’s one thing I am uncomfortable with. The emphasis on blogging to resort to making food a lifestyle. Sometimes I think of all the money I spend on products, and then see what’s going on with the famines in East Africa or even the hunger in this country, and I feel disgusted in my priorities.
I didn’t realize you’d been blogging for so long, but I can see how it could help with recovery.
Blogging helped me with recovering as well. It did not make it a topic on my blog so much, but rather focused on good nutrition, and the blog helped me to try out a lot of new things and discover my love for cooking. I also found that writing things down helped me to arrange my thoughts and feelings. I’m very thankful for that.
I can’t remember anymore when I discovered your blog, Sophia…whether it was pre- or post- me starting my own. Either way, I wasn’t ever too involved in the ED recovery blogging community (though I frequented the calorie count weight gain message boards for a LONG time) but your blog definitely inspired me to get better. It was a breath of fresh air and so comforting to read about someone else’s struggles.
I wouldn’t say so much that my blog helped me recover, as that it helped me to stay recovered. I put on too many of the pounds I”d lost so now I’m trying to lose some of it again and, rather than going back to my old ED ways, I have this commitment to my blog…and so I can’t. Blogging reminds me why I love food so.much. Without it, I’m not sure where I’d be right now. Maybe I’d be okay, but maybe I wouldn’t.
I have a blog, but it really has nothing to do with my eating disorder. I used to read exclusively “recovery blogs” but came to the same conclusion as you…they can be harmful to recovery if you continue to compare yourself to them. So overtime I have stopped reading many of them. I am so glad your blog has changed though because you blog was one of the first I found, and I know that you were somewhat responsible for my recovery. I saw that you were making so much progress and that gave me hope that I too could recover. This was right around the time that I had just gotten out of a treatment center for the second time (and with many of the same girls as the first time). I was feeling like no one recovered from eating disorders, and my parents thought that I would never get better. But I saw that you were recovery and flourishing! So thank you for blogging. Although I have never met you, you have really made a difference in my life through your writing.
I have a blog, and started it when I was on my way into ED and couldn’t really concentrate on actual journalling enough. So I decided to type it out. It felt less ‘demanding’, I suppose. It wasn’t until at least half a year – a year later that I discovered the recovery blogs. Most notably yours. I even emailed you when I was in my deepest darks. So yes, for me it has been more than a Eureka-moment; it was so, so good to find people able to articulate what had been going on in my mind and my life, the things I couldn’t find the words for! I even google-translated (oh the horrors!) a few bits and pieces to show to my parents, just to try and ‘clearify my attempts of explaining.’
I’m not in the community, though I’ve found a few support-sisters I suppose. I’ve definately also realized the harm of the blogs, mostly because it can be immensely triggering and it even caused a little brainfuzz here and there. Like, things I didn’t do that they did (excercise), things I did do they didn’t (go out for dinner) and things I wasn’t afraid of that they were (certain foods). And I also stumbled upon a few pro-ana blogs. But I never felt drawn to sinking into anything deeper, or to compete. If I found things triggering, I just wouldn’t go back.
Overall opinion? Blogging helped me to write my thoughts down, to ‘make sense of all the self-induced chaos in my head’. And it helped me by finding my thoughts, feelings and experiences articulated by others in ways I couldn’t have done so myself. Especially for someone without professional help (I was never even hospitalized, I absolutely refused, I decharged myself out of the ER..) it was, indeed, a helpful tool. And right now, it still is sometimes. And I still always look forward to reading your EDposts, because even when it’s about your past (and also my no-longer-current state of being) it can still be so liberating/clarifying to read your insights!
Nothing but love,
Sooz
Yep, i have a blog, you can see it by clicking on my name. It is a livejournal blog, but still counts, right?
I first found a healthy living blog when i was already diagnosd with an ED, but not in my worst state yet. That blog wasn’t one of the most popular ones, but still had many readers, the girl was posting every meal she ate and she didn’t eat anything “unhealthy” she even took out the rice of sushi and counted how many berries she ate, i bet she was an orthorexic,don’t know for sure… but she is ok now. Anyway i fell inlove in that blog then, the pictures were awesome (they really were ) and i started to copy the girls habits. Needless to say that i lost lots of weight and fell deep into ED.
But it wasn’t the girls fault – it was mine. A person who has fallen into an ED can find something triggering everywhere. However that blog influenced me a lot.
However when a person is ready to recover the blogs become an useful source of inspiration. Seeing someone else who has the same struggles make you feel more “normal” and motivate to overcome those struggles. I think that it is important not to get obsessed with a certain blogger and not to copy her/him. But i know from my experience that is really hard not to get attached, many people are looking for a rolemodel, but that rolemodel could not be that healthy either, so i remind myself to just don’t get obsessed with anything – be it food, blogs, school, job or whatever
I am very, very glad that you started a blog, that it helped you in recovery, and that you continue to blog for my reading enjoyment
I always look forward to your posts Sophia!
As you know I have a blog, and haven’t had an eating disorder … but, as bizarre as it sounds, I think less about food now that I have a food blog. I think it helped me with balance.
I try to blog at least once a week right now- it gives me a place to share my artwork or just vent out my feelings. Kinda like a collection where I can put everything in all at once. I do touch on eating disorders on my blog because promoting awareness for it is important to me. Just like some people advocate cancer awareness, starving children in Africa awareness, and AIDS awareness, I like to advocate eating disorder awareness and recovery. It’s something that means a lot to me (not that I don’t care about cancer, starving African children or AIDS, because I do!).
1) Do you have a blog? If not, have you considered having one?
Yes, but it’s pretty much for my own record and if others care to read or comment that’s fine
2) If you have a blog, would you recommend others having one and using it for eating disorder recovery purposes?
Not necessarily no. I would discourage others from reading other “recovery” blogs or “healthy living” blogs though, or at least pick carefully. You basically have to be fully honest with yourself and confess to yourself whether or not you are reading certain blogs or reading things, seeing things other bloggers do as validation for your own actions.
3) Do you know any other usefulness/pitfalls of blogging that I’ve failed to mention?
Usefulness? Not really no. However I am somewhat anti-social, or in the least do not actively try to make friends. I think comparison is a big pitfall in blogging. Also the images that some people try to portray in blogs. People may be comparing themselves to an image a blogger has created that is not really them at all while the reader is under the impression the blogger lives a certan fantasized type of way. for me reading blogs is in a way, seeing social interaction from a far, not having to interact but without having to eavesdrop on someones conversation and look creepy studying social dynamics. That being said, i know what you mean about that weird energy with people in the recovery blog community. It is, I htink very much like going to an Eating disorder facility, where there’s a certain safety in staying within that comfort zone which they always return to and are “always” in recovery. Too many of them in my opinion are recovery focused in life…that didn’t come out right…They are so focused on the fact that they have a problem and essentially let it be their identity. I have never considered myself “in recovery” because I find it such an odd concept. It’s like waking up everyday and only focusing on what is wrong with me? Really? So I can only stop thinking about it (or not) once it is gone and THEN I can move on with life? I just think of it as I am living, and am slowly working my way out of something, but I am not concentrating so hard that I make it an even bigger deal. Not anymore anyways. I am trying to get away from that image, despite realizing that I’ve let it define me for the last 5 years.
Sorry for the ramble xP
I have a blog …. but for me it’s just like a little scrapbook hobby.
It’s just “my blog” not my “recovery blog” and I happen to struggle in recovery so yeah, so writing about food, eating disorders, body image…etc…is gonna pop up because that’s a big part of my life.
All in all, I think my blog has helped my efforts in recovery. Writing is a powerful tool, and the comments and feedback I receive are PRICELESS. Seriously. I think since I am so open nobody feels the need to blow smoke up my bum….I have a very open mind and welcome everyone’s opinion and feedback. I don’t always manage to listen though.
On that note — I DO NOT think my blog is “helping” or capable of “helping” others, though some say my writing “inspires them” or makes them think and stuff. They relate. And I write for me, at the end of the day. Not really for an “audience”
YET — I have been thinking…..is there a responsibility that comes with blogging? Can you actually be harmful? I’ve learned a lot about blogging that I was naive about in the past 3 months.
Lately I worry that I just make people worry about me. That makes me just want to disappear.
But I can’t. Cause then ED would win. And really only 7 people read my blog. Most of them are my family and RL friends. LOL.
But that’s the big clincher for me……no whether blogging can help or harm the individual…..but does the individual have the capacity to unwittingly harm others ?
Love your blog Sophia. Its so sensible and i like the spiritual aspects of recovery. It was divine intervention that helped me. Your ED recovery story has really helped in my recovery too. I am doing great, and am determined to stay in recovery. (Hope you keep blogging about your ED recovery process!)
A really interesting blog im really lucky to click this post well know information i got and ofcourse its all thanks to you. ill wait for another great post next time . cheers
I had the opposite reaction to blogging and the blogosphere. I actually increased my ED behaviors when I started my blog and reading other healthy living blogs. I had the mentality that I could eat less and more healthy and workout more than blogger A, B, or C. And my blog started off as a means to share my “diet tips” but when my ED world fell apart, my blog changed as I changed. It’s turned into a virtual representation of my life and my struggles with ED, body image, food, etc.
I completely understand your interest in your numbers. Honestly I’ve been in bad moods because I didn’t have as many comments as I thought I should have. I’m trying to change that attitude and focus on my real purpose of blogging: to help anyone who might be struggling like me. I did the whole “recovery” alone and it’s not fun so I don’t want another person to go through that.
Anyways, I love your blog
And will always keep reading!!
good for you dear , this is a great post i will look forward for the next.. wer here to enjoy reading your blog so keep it up dear
see ya around.
Great post – summed up so many of my own experiences in blogging, especially on the issue of eating disorders. One of the upsides is getting to know others and realising you’re not alone or weird. Downside (as you highlighted) is thinking too much about myself, my stats etc. Also hitting the ‘publish’ button too soon!
I really like your blog.. very nice colors & theme. Did you create this website yourself or did you hire someone to do it
for you? Plz answer back as I’m looking to create my own blog and would like to find out where u got this from. thanks
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