There are a lot of quotes about laughter.
“The human race has only one really effective weapon and that is laughter,” said Mark Twain, my American literary hero.
“It is cheerful to God when you rejoice or laugh from the bottom of your heart,” said Martin Luther King, Jr., my activist hero.
“A great many people don’t know how to laugh at all. However, there’s nothing to know here: it’s a gift, and it can’t be fabricated. It can only be fabricated by re-educating oneself, developing oneself for the better, and overcoming the bad instincts of one’s character; then the laughter of such a person might quite possibly change for the better,” said Fyodor Dostoyevsky, my Russian literary idol.
And then the age-old “Laughter is the best medicine,” said by every wise person over centuries of generations.
Because of my eating disorder, it had been a long, long time since I laughed. It wasn’t just because my chest constricted and my throat hurt when I laughed. It was because I just had nothing to smile about, let alone laugh. Wrapped in self-pity, anger, bitterness, sadness and fear will do that to you. No matter how hilarious someone or something is, the light-hearted humor just doesn’t tickle you the way it would have before.
Recovery gave me many, many gifts. But one of the best gifts was the ability to genuinely laugh again. And a huge part of it was tied to my gradual willingness to socialize…by eating out.
The biggest clue to whether someone is struggling with disordered eating isn’t just the weight, but his or her unwillingness to dine out with friends. That’s because from then on there’s this Dominoes effect of incrementing disordered thoughts and behaviors as the individual resides deeper and deeper into seclusion.
You can’t socialize and bond with friends if you cannot eat out. Well, maybe you can–but you’ll always be missing out on something. After all, dining together isn’t just about the physical nourishment; it’s a social activity, a time when people break bread together over lively discussions, casual chatter and gossip. And when you take that away…well, you’ll always be the weird one. Some people might keep asking a few times, but after several rejections, most people start leaving you alone and hanging out among themselves. And before you know it, the texts and phone calls stop coming. You end up spending all mealtimes alone– which just worsens the cycle of secrecies, irrationalities and depression.
Eating out was always one of the hardest things for me to get over. If I had to eat out, I had to plan and prepare that event way ahead of time. I needed to schedule it so that is fit precisely into my rigid eating schedule. I needed to have at least some choice in where I was going to dine, and I needed to check out and practically memorize the menu beforehand, from which I would choose the safest (read: lowest calorie) item.
I liked chain restaurants. Chain restaurants were safer than small business eateries because they almost always had the nutrition fact information online for you to peruse. And with the public and government crackdown, I could at least be sure that there would be plenty of “healthy” options. The menu would likely be huge, which also meant that they would have a fine selection of meal-sized salads.
I don’t even know why I needed to examine all the menus beforehand. It was pretty much decided what I would order: carb-less salad–no cheese, no dressing, nuts on the side. That was pretty much my standard, and I never, ever ate out of the bread basket. Occasionally I would eat a tiny bite out of my dining companion’s dish, but mentally freak out over the single nibble of FAT-LADEN PASTA!!! Arrrrgh!
Every Anorexic has his or her worst nightmare dish. Mine was pasta, for some reason. I was insanely terrified of white pasta. After all, a 1/4 cup dry serving of pasta was 200+ calories!!! How crazy! How could that be one serving? I would be famished after that…and I would have used up a huge percentage of calorie quota of the day! For a fist-sized quantity of fiberless, protein-less, simple carbed pasta! Why, I could fill myself up nicely with nice, nutritious oatmeal for that same calorie amount!
And of course, I also convinced myself that I didn’t like pasta, even though ever since young, that was one of my favorite sources of carbohydrates. It was clearly bullshit to everyone except me. I was just so sure that I would not enjoy pasta, thus why should I ever order it?
I’m just exemplifying one of the myriads of self-deceits my eating disorder fed me in order to keep me from progressing in recovery. There were many, many more, but if I were to list them all this would become an ED encyclopedia (hmm…someone should write that).
Anyway. As I wrote on this post, after awhile, cooking started becoming more of an inhibition to my recovery. But my trip to Penang– in which I had to give up pretty much all forms of control– really gave me that final kick in the ass I dearly needed. I went through the worst situation an eating disordered individual could go through, and I survived. After that ordeal, many things that once seemed so scary to me was kiddie pool.
I started eating out a lot more often. Sometimes, even two times a day, several times a week– which would have been unfathomable to me before that Penang trip.
I need to give a special shout-out to Wengang, Liwen and Jingwen, who were my primary dining companions for the rest of the two months I stayed in Singapore. Wengang and Liwen set aside a day out of every week to take me out to eat. Most of the time, I relinquished the choice of venue to them. I did that on purpose so that I wouldn’t be choosing somewhere “safe” for me. It was absolutely, deliciously freeing for me to be able to do that.
Before, I had so many rules about eating out. But I created a rule: FLUSH OUT ALL PREVIOUS RULES. They are crap!!
And then I made a simpler set of rules:
1) I would go eat at wherever my dining companions wanted to go.
2) I would not look up menus beforehand, and even if that place offered nutrition facts, so help me God, I would blind myself if I had to– I shall not peek!
3) I will order what I truly want to eat– not what I think I want to eat. I need to stay real and honest to myself– by deceiving myself into thinking I really want a “safe” item, I am hurting no one but myself.
4) No more effing salads. Those days are gone forever. You want a salad? Go home and eat it as a snack.
5) Have fun. Don’t just concentrate on the food, but focus your attention on the people beside you. Listen to them, talk to them. It’s not about the food– it’s about the wonderful interaction that happens over it.
There were several occasions when I felt clutches of fear and anxiety. I would clench up and feel that oppression in my chest in the face of a certain food, wild thoughts of fat, calories, carbs ravaging my mind. There were times when I would let them overwhelm me, and end up not eating very much.
But there were more times when I would follow “new rule” #5: I would turn my attention away from the food, and to the conversation that was taking place at the table. It certainly helped that I was dining with people who love to eat, who ate real food with gusto, who chatted me up about everything from deep spiritual subjects to random jokes and gossip. These people’s laughter and licking of fingers and lips eased my tension away, and pretty soon I found myself smiling along…and even laughing out loud.
Laughter. Oh, wonderful laughter. Mine doesn’t sound too wonderful, to be honest. I have a slightly high-pitched, louder-than-average laughter. The first time I heard it since my eating disorder, it sounded so foreign to me. I had a flash of Wow, did it actually come out through my own body? thought before shrugging it away and then laughing some more. While I was eating out. The previous me would have never imagined that the two would go together.
It’s true. Laughter cures so much of the unhappy impurities within you. It’s a precious gift from God. It’s such a beautiful release. To me, it sounds like the bells of freedom. And that was what it was to me. It released all the cluttered, mushed up jumble of crazy and irrational thoughts inside me. It was both the start and the signal of happiness.
After days of eating out, socializing and laughing, there just naturally came a point when nothing seemed scary to me. I didn’t mind eating white pasta drenched in creamy, cheesy sauce. I didn’t mind deep-fried food. I didn’t even mind (well, not too much unless the meal was super expensive) if my meal out wasn’t very good. After all, I learned that eating out isn’t about the food, but the people with whom you dine.
Dining out is a multi-level relationship. It’s a relationship with yourself, of treating yourself to a nice, relaxing experience. It’s a relationship with the food, of realizing that it’s not the centerpiece of your life, but hey, if it tastes good– all the more to enjoy it! And it’s a relationship with the people around you, who share the time and conversation with you over a meal.
After overcoming this one hurdle, I have gained so many more treasures: I can fully experience and enjoy travels. I can learn and immerse myself into a new culture in deeper dimensions. I have bonded with many of the close friends I have now by sharing a meal together. But most of all, I have become free.
Thoughts to Ponder:
1) Are you afraid of eating out? What is the biggest fear for you?
2) What is your “ritual” like when it comes to eating out? What rules and obsessions do you follow?
3) What is your own quote/philosophy on laughter?
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{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
eating out is fun .. when you try new restaurant n new food…
I don’t know what I would do without eating out…it’s become one of life’s pleasures all of a sudden. I used to be pretty wary of the prospect of consuming all of this food that would contain a lot more oil/butter than I would like but know I’ve just come to the realization that it is never possible to be in control of everything and to just enjoy what’s in front of you.
One of my favorite social activities! It’s great to enjoy a meal with a friend.
But to be honest I actually don’t like pasta very much unless it’s smothered in Alfredo sauce or has meat/cheese in it. Pad Thai and Pad Se Ew are ok too, but at Italian restaurants I’m drawn more to the veal and seafood dishes. XD
I’m really impressed you stuck to your rules. I imagine there were several trying tests.
1) Are you afraid of eating out? What is the biggest fear for you?
Yes, however I get much more stressed out if I am allowed to pick the place at times. I don’t want to have that control becuse I am so afraid of picking the “wrong” place, where people might not like the food, it might not be the right type of food, I could have had something else that tasted better, or healthier, or less healthy (for just as many or less calories), etcetera. If I go to a restaurant that is a chain I feel more comfortable sometimes knowing the calories, however sometimes it causes more anxiety becuase I then feel like I “should” look up the nutrition info. Especailly since now alot of places have it right on the menu out here. Going to smaller restaurants, is okay sometimes depending on the typ of food. One thing that still causes me agony is going to any sort of drink shop. I walked around Little Tokyo for about half an hour one time and couldn’t pick a drink to get because it was so “scary” and ended up on walking to Starbucks becuse I know that calorie content…It’s annoying but I couldn’t for the life of me pay for an expensive drink AND not know what was in it/ calories. 8/
Laughter? Eh…for some reason I really try NOT to let myself laugh or find things funny or amusing…Like I’m not supposed to…Eh…
Eating out was a major, colossal, enormous issue for me for a long time. I love it so much nowadays that it’s very hard to imagine how much I despised it in the past. It taught me that food is a gift to be shared, and a social act of communion, rather than the isolated, self-centered, and obsessive act I had allowed it to become. Eating feeds spirit AND body, and dining with friends, at a fun and interesting establishment, is the perfect embodiment of the whole scope of what food has to offer us.
Great post, as always.
You know, it’s so interesting reading these posts. To a certain extent I think it really highlights are differences in recovery and maybe the problems which you’ve had and I currently struggle with. Because for me, eating out is a fear. But it’s also a compulsion and a chance to prove something. And a compulsion to be the biggest, baddest menu orderer there. I will destroy burgers and fries. I will subjugate milkshakes. A whole pizza? I can do that. But while doing it I am in a zone of anxiety, and afterwards, I feel a sense of worthlessness and emptiness, questioning “what now?” My whole day sometimes comes down to just counting calories, and when you read that magic number by 12:31 in the afternoon, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU DO?!?!
That feeling has made me avoid eating out more and more, but when I do, I inevitably give into every compulsion of “stuff yourself you skinny bastard” that seizes me. But it makes me forget about the company and makes me feel horrible about what continues to be an uncomfortable preoccupation with “checking off” food as an essential part of my day and life.
I don’t know what the best way to deal with it is, and reading this post reminded me that “rules” can come with a double edge. What if, Sophia, a salad does catch your fancy? Sometimes the only way NOT to make food the centerpiece behind a social encounter is to settle for something boring and enjoy the great company. That is more important, and if resigning the anxiety of what will surely become a “me vs. the food” experience is the only way an individual might get there (and for someone like me, it’s become that way) then I say do it to it.
Maybe it’s also good to try dining out in date situations. That way you can worry more about not saying something dumb as opposed to worrying about what you’re eating.
Settling for something “boring” is yet another strategy, but at the same time, most recoverers are terrified of certain foods. As I mentioned, ordering salad was a fallback for me, and it wouldn’t have helped in my recovery much if I just kept ordering the same safe food. That would be just self-delusion of recovery. But that was me. It’s interesting how people have different symptoms of disorders, and each individual should tailor recovery to fit his or her own person.
The date idea is interesting; I never really thought of that. I can’t imagine myself dating when I was at that weight though! I scared off kids, let alone guys. Haha!
That first laugh! That marvelous first laugh! I know that well: It surprised me, too. My stomach hurt afterward, but I felt alive — it was like having to sneeze for an extended period of time and then suddenly knowing the relief when the darn thing just happens. I won’t ever again trade that laughter for being thin, or for “eating healthy,” or for having complete control.
Restaurants still spook me a little, and I’m still guilty of menu-perusing. But like you, being taken out of my comfort zone often has the effect of pushing me closer toward a more complete (though it’s never really complete, is it) recovery. This week I’m going to Italy — the land of food! — for an entire week, by myself. I will have to eat out every single meal, and as I don’t speak Italian, many of the menus will elude me completely. But I’m going to steep myself in the culture and the society of the places I visit there, and I’m going to eat like a local, live like a local, see Italy through new eyes. I hope it helps.
I am not afraid of eating out.
I used to be afraid of it, but not too afraid. Funny thing is that i became more afraid of it when i started to recover, when i started to read the blogs of other recoverers. Recovery blogs are a big source of inspiration, but also by reading them i found out different things that anorexics are afraid of, like they never drank cows milk, only almond milk sometimes (gasp, i drink regular milk! I am not a real anorexic! I don’t need to eat more then!). So, yes i became a little afraid of eating out, since i don’t have any friends to go out with i prefear home cooked meal over cafes now too, but i don’t have any problems with eating out too
And actually i just think that this whole “slow recovery” from ED is a bullsh*t. I perfectly understand the feeling of people who are recoverin, but sometimes it disgusts me to look at someone 20+ who is acting like a little brat and obsessing over “finally eating ice-cream”, the smallest size of course and ecological low calorie, but “omg what a step forwards maybe next month i will be able to eat a slice of pizza omg!!!” Sorry, but i just think that you just have to look to yourself from side and just finally eat without obsessing about anything. Just do it now! Today! Not on the first date of mont or whatever, just eat more and gain the weight if you are underweight, stop bingeing if you are bulimic/overeater & just enjoy your life without pitying yourself!
You make an excellent statement about “recovery” blogs, Elizabete! I had actually been planning to write a post about the benefits and pitfalls of blogging while in recovery.
I would take you out to eat yummy food with me if I could.
@Elizabete: Easier said than done. When you have the miraculous cure for emotional eating and eating disorders let me know. And if you’re tired of reading about someone’s “mini” victories, stop reading. Those are huge victories to the individuals and don’t need your judgement.
And self pity is rarely a motivating factor for eating disorders.
Sorry, i didn’t mean to offend anoybody it is just my personal opinion
I also just want to incourage people to get well quicker, i know many individuals who start to “enjoy” the recovery too much and it becomes their comfort zone, they think that they are recovering, but actually they are just continuing to restrict saying that if you recover slowly you recover for real. But evry day is important for your body and the faster you get well the sooner you can regain your health!
A deep and intense fear of eating out is really the one major anorexic trait that I still have. I panic every time beforehand. And I really have to talk myself down and remind myself that this is ONE MEAL and that I LIKE eating out and that NOTHING BAD WILL HAPPEN. It’s certainly ridiculous. And I know it. but the way my chest seizes up really isn’t something I can help. But what I CAN do is talk sense into myself and force myself to go.
I never read a menu online before visiting a new restaurant. It’s like peeking at your presents before Christmas! What is more important to read before hand is Yelp reviews. Some of the best restaurants only have three stars because they have amazing food but terrible service. I’ll suffer through that for good food!
That is a tough fear to get over. I love the set of rules you created. That is really important and I am glad that they helped you get over that hurdle. Eating is so social, and people can focus on the wrong things during the meal, rather than what is really important, which is the company and conversation.
I love how you described the first time you really laughed out loud after a long time.
Well… I thought I was totally cool with eating out. (I love it!)
BUT…my version of eating out. I realize now after writing this post that I may be missing out ALOT when I order what “I want” prepared “my way” and just…
wow. inspiring. as usual. <3
PS- This?
"And before you know it, the texts and phone calls stop coming. You end up spending all mealtimes alone– which just worsens the cycle of secrecies, irrationalities and depression."
YES! And then the isolation gets cyclical and pulls you down and you get more and more lost as ED takes everything away from you.
Living it to tell the story.
Eating out still stresses me out. For all my adult life it seems that I’ve been trying to lose weight or maintain a weight loss. I still typically only order salads or foods I know that are safe. It’s something that I’m slowly trying to get over. I know one day I’ll get comfortable with restaurants.
When I was deeply into my eating disorder, I could NOT eat out because I was afraid that all of my food would get dumped in butter, oh the horror. Then I was terrified that the server would think that I wanted a regular coke and not give me my diet coke. I even remember times when I would make my mom “test” my drink to make sure it was a diet coke.
I still do not go out to eat often, but I do go when I can and enjoy it when I go out!
We occasionally like eating out — Orlando makes it difficult with TOO MANY fast food joints and less great restaurant. My tip is look for a crowd. That naturally says it serves great foods
I’m getting better, but man id have to preplan too…which has sort of ruined me bc id look up all the nutrutuon facts and they’re pretty much engraved in my mind now…but I’m starting to go out more, picking things that aren’t the healthiest but aren’t the worst [in my mind] I miss how it was before I had gotten so obsessed, but its all coming back to me now. I’ve even successfully gained weight (which of course I still have some anxiety over) but I’m getting through it!