Confession time. The day of my last final, I cried.

I’m not sure what got over me, but I just suddenly felt a brick of emotions slamming into the pit of my stomach and shattering all inside me. Perhaps I had been suppressing some negative emotions for some time, feelings that I was too busy to ignore until the school semester finally came to an end. It was as if all the stress and frustrations and self-complex bound up into one tight ball finally got released and started ricocheting inside me. So I burst.

Silent tears, hideous snot. Some people cry prettily; I am not a dainty weeper. What’s worse is I was walking up the streets of Koreatown when it happened and every biker, pedestrian and driver turned to stare at the crazy girl who suddenly started flooding sticky tears and snot down her red face.

I didn’t have a tissue so I just hastily wiped on my sleeve and then just ignored the waterfall when I realized it wasn’t going to stop for a while. But then a strange thing happened.

I was listening to the Les Miserables station on Pandora at the time; the melancholy, heart-aching music fit my pathetic self-pitying condition. But all of a sudden a different, familiar song started playing. It was “You Raise Me Up” sung by a Christian group called Selah:

 

 

My first thought: What the heck is a Christian song playing on my Les Miserables station?

And then I listened more carefully to the lyrics.

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up…To more than I can be.

Wow. I felt as if someone punched me—in a good way. It was exactly the message I needed, at exactly the perfect moment. To be honest I’ve been ignoring God for awhile. When my mom reminded me of the need to get in touch with God, I lashed out at her in anger, saying I was sick of the external pressures and that I no longer cared about spirituality.

Of course that wasn’t true. A human being is more than the physical and even psychological person. I’ve neglected the well-being of my spirit and that’s affecting my psychological health, too.

But it’s so hard to turn back to God after ignoring Him for so many weeks. I’m writing frankly about this issue because I’ve received many emails asking me about this. And I have to be completely honest: I struggle a lot with this, too. How do you just suddenly switch back to “holy” mode again after a long period of spiritual hiatus? I have had my “good” days but those days seem so far ahead during the times when I’m so immersed in my own problems and physical conditions.

I hate it when my mom is right. After hanging up after my angry outburst at my mother, I felt terrible. But at the same time, I loved her for loving me enough to tell me what I don’t want to hear.

And that’s the first step—it’s the perception and attitude that I first need to change. It’s easy and comfortable to stay in a stagnant position. It’s oddly pleasing in a masochistic way to waddle in self-pity and depression. The contradiction is that it actually takes a lot more effort to try to feel good and happy.

There is no magic switch you can click to return back to “happy” mode. But when I’m willing to open up my heart and mind to change my viewpoint and actively seek for positivity and reasons for thanksgiving, it’s actually ridiculously easy to gain real peace and joy—not the false, forced and deluded kind, but the genuine kind that comes from inside, steady and increasingly powerful.

The first thing I did was to love and thank my mommy for feeding me wise words. And then I thanked God for giving me a mother like her, and for speaking to me through the random song on Pandora. I’m going to play this song over and over again.

And  of course, I also love my friends for showering me with love in their distinct ways when I needed them. Friends who sent me prayers, virtual hugs, and that awesome friend who took pictures of herself making funny faces and emailed them to me.

That very day that I broke down in a sob-fest, I was invited to a Love Actually movie night with three of my friends: Tracy, Lindsey and Marilyn. Out of a burst of rare generosity and goodwill, I baked a banana chocolate chip cake.
(Picture by Marilyn)

We ate the whole cake between the four of us (save a midget piece of Tracy’s parents).
(Picture by Marilyn)

And in the same spirit of gratitude, I extend a virtual (plump and decadent) cake to all the wonderful people I have in my life.

Here’s to friends who take me out on a random dessert spree at midnight for cream puffs at Four Leaf…

(Green tea cream puff, red bean cream puff, pistachio/dark chocolate-covered green tea cream puff)

Friends who dress up and accompany me to review late night magic shows, just because I need a buddy…
(Andrew Goldenhersh, left, and  Steve Owens, right, at Hollywood Magic Bar)

 

Friends who understand that some days, you just need a stiff drink at the end of the day and agree to share one with me…
(The Rye Invention at Spitz: rye whisky, al germain, aperol, flaming orange peel)

Friends who go on a random Rite Aid shopping spree for snacks with me because I dragged her to review yet another event that was delayed for an hour…
(OMG. Smurfs crackers. In blueberry and strawberry flavors. You know you want ‘em!)

 

Friends who drive you to Santa Barbara just because it’s your birthday…

You know who you are. I love you all. So long as I have God-sent people like them in my life, I truly lack nothing.

Question of the Day: Who raises you up in life?

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Tagged as: cake, friends, life