**** This week has been so crazy. An apology to all the emails I have not responded to yet. I’ll get back to you soon. Promise. As soon as things calm down.
But thankfully, I’m getting the most wonderful gift this weekend: My brother is coming to visit! He’s staying for three days and I’m so eager to see him again. Like sister like brother, he’s texting me all the things he wants to eat. And I’m on a mission to persuade him to move to L.A. and find a job here, though I suspect my efforts will be futile since he’s a nice family man who likes seasonal changes and boring suburban neighborhoods. How different can we be? ****
As I mentioned on my last ED post, my limited time in Singapore just moved too fast for me. I had just begun to settle in, and before I knew it, three week fluttered by. I was dreading the day I had to leave. Each day was precious to me; I really felt changes stirring in my heart, but I couldn’t push my recovery forwards faster than it should take place naturally. I needed time. Maybe a month more…or a couple…
I had actually accepted the fact that I would be leaving sometime in December until my best friend Jingwen said to me one night, “You should stay.”
“I wish,” I groaned.
“No really, you should,” she said seriously. “I think Singapore is good for you. You’re a bit different from the first time I met you. And I think you can help me, too.”
Jingwen had been dealing with some issues of her own, and I had played the same role she had been playing for me: being a friend who listened. Although I did also turn out to be her spiritual mentor, constantly talking to her about God and trying to lead her back to church.
And that got me thinking. If I were to stay longer, it wouldn’t be just for me. I had many, many things I wanted to do in Singapore, and it wasn’t just recovery-oriented. I started listing all the reasons I wanted to stay in my head, and the more I thought about it, the more I felt determined that I had to stay.
One day when I was talking to my parents on the phone, I breeched the idea to my dad. He was furious.
“What about your college?” He demanded. “You can’t always run away, Sophia. You’ve been running away from the real issue the whole time. We’ve already deferred your college admittance for a semester. You can’t give up on your real life. You can’t just go to a different new place and pretend that you don’t have to deal with your real problems.”
Hearing him get mad just made me mad, so we exchanged a few unpleasant words before hanging up on each other. But after I calmed down, I knew that I had to talk to my dad again. I needed to make him understand why I wanted to stay. It wasn’t because I wanted to escape; in fact, my limbo life back home was what keeping me from living the real world. Somehow Singapore opened up a juxtaposition of new and old life for me: human and spiritual interactions and connections that I’d lost several years ago.
I knew if I were to verbally express it to him, I would get mixed up and aggravated by his emotions and perceptions, so I wrote him a long email instead. Writing always did calm me down and clear my thoughts. Here’s a snippet of it:
*****
”I feel I am doing better in Singapore…my spirits are quite peaceful and calm even in this hectic society. A little more than a week has passed and as the days go by I feel a rising need and desire to stay here longer…Suddenly three weeks seem so short as I discover there are so many things I want to do here! When I mentioned wanting to stay longer to you that day, I was just expressing the wish that’s been accumulating throughout the week…But I didn’t manage to explain my reasons clearly as I didn’t even organize it in my head, just was a whole jumble of convictions I’ve felt these past days, and that day Jing Wen had also suggested that I stay longer because she felt here was the best place for me to get better.
But anyway I’ve finally organized my thoughts and here they are:
- I love the fellowship here. I love the brothers and sisters in America too, but as you’ve known I always felt a bit lonely as there was really no one I could relate to. But here everyone is young and vibrant and alive, and I myself am inspired and motivated by their active, young lives. In America I feel like I’m living in my own little world. I spend all day by myself at home, and even though I attend meetings there is a limit to how much I can connect and converse with the older generation. So I always felt abnormal; a bit like an outsider, but here I feel more integrated into the church’s body, and I am forced to step out of my own little world and mix with society.
- I feel happier and freer. Singapore is my hometown, and being back here just makes me feel happy and at home. Also I now have to take care of myself entirely. Nobody here really observes or nags about what I eat or what I do, so I don’t feel the pressure to eat to ”show” other people or for other people, which now pushes the responsibility of my health to me myself solely. I don’t eat for others but for my own health. The only person who watches and knows is God, and I have to take care of myself before Him and myself. You both have been wonderful and patient and encouraging to me, but still as my parents you still affect me a lot…I know it pains you to see my weak state and you can’t help saying things which discourages me and makes me feel hopeless and want to give up. But I have to be an adult and independent and responsible for my own spiritual, mental, and physical health now.
- I want to (in my own way) bless Jingwen so very much. She is spiritually lost right now, but I truly see that she is a loved child of God. I shared a bit of my testimony and she listened very attentively; I don’t know how much she understands, but she is really willing to listen and respects my words despite my appearance, and sees the work God is doing in my life. I really want to keep on praying for her and eventually with her, and lead her back to church.
- Singapore is the best treatment center for me. I love the food here, and there are literally no ”diet” food options available here, so I could not even try even if I wanted to! And eating back my childhood favorites gives me much joy as I recall back the foods I used to enjoy and not the foods I am just comfortable with. I try not to be rigid about what I eat, but succumb to circumstances and society. For example if Liwen prepared something I will eat it with her, if it is after church meeting and we all go out for dinner, or I just prepare for myself…This is the hardest part for me because it feels really unnatural, but eating with other people and watching what they eat alleviates my irrational fears and anxieties and reminds me that this is how NORMAL people eat!
- I also really want to bless Liwen and Wengang (while they both bless me a lot too!) Wengang has requested that the three of us (Liwen, me and him) start praying together, and we are praying together every night. Liwen and I have also had some good talks in which we receive grace from each other; I feel really thankful because Liwen really seems to care for me, and treats me like a younger sister.
- I still haven’t had much chance to talk and get to know a lot of people in church! I really like all of them and I would really like to hear each of their testimonies…they’ve got such powerful stories. Each of them have unique characters and personalities, and as entertaining as they are, I feel like they have much to share with me. I would really love to listen to them and get to know them.
- I want to come back to America in a fully restored body and have more testimonies and happy news. All I’ve done is disappoint the people in America, and even now I’m not totally healed. I want to come with a healthier body and a livelier spirit. I want to finally be a testimony, too.”
*****
After I wrote and sent this email to my dad, he called me again afterwards. I had been a tiny bit worried that he wouldn’t fully understand what I had written (since English is not his strongest language), but he did. We had a calmer, deeper conversation, and my dad immediately put things into action.
He called Pastor Vincent (the young pastor of Life Church & Missions), who talked to Wengang and Liwen. He planned out a new itinerary for me, and procured a new plane ticket for me to fly back home on March 2009.
That surprised me, because I had been expecting him to allow me just about a month more. In fact, that was what I had originally asked for, but the fact that my dad would give me two extra months to stay in Singapore revealed his trust and faith in me. It filled me with peace and gratefulness that my parents believed in my journey and supported by decision 100%.
And now it was set. I would have three months in Singapore to win this battle once and for all. This was it.
Questions to Ponder:
1) Let’s think again. What kind of recovery stage do you think you are right now?
2) I just noticed that someone left a heartbreaking comment on my “Exercise Addiction” post…and I would really appreciate it if someone could respond to it. What would you say to her?
3) When your parents or loved ones don’t seem to “get” your struggles and thoughts…how do you express yourself to them? Talking? Writing? Or do you just bottle things up to yourself?
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{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
This comment is for Jia from the exercise post.
Jia,
I am a 22-year old male. For over 3 years I’ve battled the same demons, and now, three years later, I’m a shadow of what I once was. Emotionally, socially, but yes, also physically. I’m not attractive. I hardly ever smile. I want my life back, and I want to be able to say I don’t have an addiction. I imagine you feel the same way, so let me square with you. You are an addict, and your addiction is destroying your body and reducing your once bright and dynamic Divine Spark to a fading pulse. Like a football player taking hit after hit, game after game, for their entire career, you’re not just chipping away at your long-term strength to make it through life, your pummeling it.
So how do you stop doing it?
Start with intervals. It’s what I’m doing now.
No, not the intervals we’re used to. Not the sprints on the treadmill, nor the drop-sets on weights. But the same concept.
You can’t sit still very long because you think you’re losing strength, losing the chance to burn calories. I understand. You read something on the Internet the other day that said sitting is killing “us.” Well, it’s not. And I’m going to prove it for to you.
Set a timer. Set it to a very modest 5 minutes. Then sit.
I don’t care what you think about. It could the your favorite childhood cartoon or it could be an image of that girl you had a crush on when you were 13 (or guy, in your case I guess.) Whatever it is, think about it and sit. And if you can’t keep your mind off exercise or food it’s o.k. A lot of time I fall back to those thoughts too. You haven’t failed though –not if you can sit. And, after five minutes, you’ll learn that you are a more dynamic and powerful individual than you ever thought possible.
So next time you try to do an interval, set your clock for six minutes. But don’t just think. Read Pray Sing
Find something, and do it. And build up the time in which you can do it. Then, when you find it doesn’t kill you,stop watching the clock and GET UP. In the gym talk to someone. Make a joke. Wink at a stranger. Hum a song between sets.
And the more and more you do these things, the more and more you’ll find yourself becoming comfortable in letting go of the structure, letting go of the shackles.
God Bless you, and let me know how it goes. If you need anything more, email Sophia and just ask. She knows how to get into contact with me.
Girl, you are AMAZING. Good for you for doing what *you* need to do.
Oh, and please write an autobiographical account of your recovery, that’ll be a best-seller and help girls everywhere.
Hope things slow down a bit for you, or at least you’re able to find the eye of the storm.
I was going to try to answer Jia but I think Adam has said it all… if you’re reading this post too Jia, I hope you that helps you and you can get through it xx
Sophia, that email to your dad was so powerful and such the right thing to do; it really set everything out and so lovely that your dad took it all on board and sorted things out for you. I think writing down what you’re feeling is always good in that sort of situation because you can set out everything you want to say and present it to the other person in the right way. I think LLE is right too in the comment above
I was directed here by a friend who told me that your ED series was something of a light for her. I was a dancer for 12 years (I recently retired) and can attest to the disordered mindset that is the fixation, celebration, and near idolatry, of an emaciated human body. There is so much that goes on behind the scenes of the dance world; its underbelly is appalling, horrific. Its conception of art, beauty, and power is so heartbreakingly skewed. It is possible to escape it, but it’s easier to succumb. That’s the problem with eating disorders, and it’s something I wish more people understood. Anorexia – in and of itself – is shamefully easy. It’s easier to restrict, to put off till tomorrow what needs to be faced today, to pretend that there’s nothing wrong with breaking into a nervous sweat whenever something invites you to eat out at some restaurant. It’s hard to step out of your huddled, fixated, obsessive little circle and stand up to ED, reclaim your life, and eat the damn sandwich, pasta dish (or what have you), and get on with your life. ED, after all, makes it so easy to stay in one place, never changing, never improving. Contentment is something, I think, that you chose. I always told myself that I’d be content (and I’d stop starving myself) when I was thin and content. But it’s impossible; there is no balance of starving and content. Eventually, I had to suck it up and admit to myself that, if I kept walking the path I was walking, I would be a lot more dead than content. But I needed God to get me that far.
As someone who finds difficulty in merely admitting that I am “recovering” (I suppose admitting that you’re recovering requires opening the pandora’s box that is the confession of having been so consumed by something that needed to be recovered *from* in the first place . . .) You have no idea how comforting it is to see myself written out in your words. A burden shared and understood is a burden lightened; thank you so much for dredging up and divulging those secrets, beliefs, tendencies, habits, and rituals that ED has tried to convince me are too intimate, shameful, and inherently vilifying to admit to. There is a transparency in openness that leaves nowhere for shame to hide, and I see that on your blog. Your honesty is refreshing, radiant, and so, so needed. Thank you.
I’m looking forward to reading how the rest of your time in singapore went for you! What a story you have, Sophia.
I really love this part of your blog.
Its so amazing to see what you have done to turn yourself around.
God Bless you Sof!
Not only are your posts inspiring for those who can relate (and those who cannot) but at the end you hit us with a challenge. Well, for me anyway.
To think. Thank you.
What kind of recovery stage do you think I am in right now?
Ouch. Tough one. A bunch of answers come to mind immediately:
Gathering Courage stage, going backward stage, wtf stage, letting god work stage, realizing I really can’t only He can stage….
who am I stage…
etc.
But you know what? I’m not on the stage of recovery right now. I can’t lie.
I am in the dressing room…waiting for the Director to say “places, please.” God is behind the scenes doing all sorts of setwork and prop building and casting, though. I know that. I’m memorizing my lines (Finding myself in Him and His word) and getting into costume (casting off old robes and putting on his new robes) and building the confidence I need to make my debut when the curtain comes up again.
The first time? I wrote the script myself and the play bombed. I got some good practice, some good exposure and some street cred. But guess what? I landed a part of a big-time, for real deal production. One with a long History of results, and the most POWERFUL playwrite and producer of all time.
Hi! I remember emailing you ages ago when I was suffering. Even though i only suffered for a short time compared to many, I know the difficulties in overcoming and sometimes I feel myself slipping back to old habits. I am glad that Singapore has helped you overcome and recover (: I am from Singapore as well and I understand the amount of love people have for food and community eating. ^^ but God has been very gracious and He saved me. I will keep you in prayer and that you will finally be set free. Do drop me an email if you feel like talking as well ^^
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