**** I have quite a few updates to make:
1) My parents are stopping by Tuesday!!! They just finished their China mission trip and on the way back to the east coast, they’ll be stopping by Los Angeles for four days. I cannot wait!!!!! I missed them too freaking much.
2) I got a new internship. Unpaid, of course, given today’s economy. I’ll be working at a Los Angeles-based restaurant deal guide (sort of like Groupon and Living Social) and be responsible for creating content for their site. Not unlike what I’m doing with this blog. I’m nervous though, because I know it’s going to be tough juggling school, my column, other articles for the Daily Trojan, this blog, my social life, etc.
3) Last but not least, thank you all who nominated and voted for me at the 2011 Foodbuzz Awards for “Best Writing Voice.” I’m truly and sincerely honored and stunned by the nomination, and I already feel like a winner! 
Have a great week, everyone! ****
We reached Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, first. It was the first week of December, 2008.
Back at northern Virginia, the air was chill and crisp and people walked around bundled in turtlenecks and North Face jackets. But at Malaysia, a shroud of warm, dampened air greeted me the moment I stepped out of the air-conditioned airport. People lumbered around languidly in open-toed sandals and tank tops, sweating profusely under the exuberant sun.
Dang, it was hot. Dang, it was humid. But dang, was it AWESOME to be back in Southeast Asia!
A deacon from our Kuala Lumpur church came to pick us up. As we drove down the street from the Kuala Lumpur Airport, my mouth gaped open as if to gulp down all the scenery. I stared at the familiar towering coconut trees, the billboards written in recognizable Malay, the tanned mix of Malaysians and Chinese pedestrians. The heat was so insufferable that it was roasting me even inside the cool car, but I lavished the fire inside me. It just felt so good to be back, even if I wasn’t exactly in Singapore yet.
When I used to live in Singapore, my family would make a trip to Malaysia at least once a year because the two countries are conjoined and Singapore itself is so tiny; it’s sort of like traveling from New York City to New Jersey. I smiled to myself, remembering those lovely times when we would drive for hours with Christian praise songs blasting, and I remembered with fondness the roadside food court we would stop by on the way, the dumpling place we always visited on the way back and the carefree attitude I had towards the whole trip.
It had been a long, long time since I’ve been on any road trips with my family for obvious reasons. I missed it. I also missed the person I used to be. I missed the relationships I used to have. I missed…living my life.
That melancholy only got stronger when I stepped out of the car and entered the hotel. It was 100 degrees with 99% humidity. I was wearing knee-length shorts and a thin, long-sleeved shirt to cover up my emaciation. It wasn’t enough to disguise my obvious sickness.
Every. Single. Person. Stared. Not just a quick glance, and then polite look away like the way I was used to in America. People outright stared. Without any kind of awkwardness or embarrassment. As I walked past, their heads and intense gaze turned along with me. I was a freak show.
I heard mutterings in Malay. I couldn’t understand that, but I could understand the Mandarin.
“Aiyo, what’s wrong with her?”
“Wah, did you see her? Look at her!”
“Tien ah, she scared me to death!”
Scared you to death? Scared you to death?! I was seething. How about me? I was humiliated to death! WTF! Have the decency to look away!
I walked as fast as my scrawny legs could carry me, wishing I had worn an overlarge coat instead with a hoodie to cover my burning face. This sucked. This really sucked. I wanted to die. Oh, the shame!
My parents comforted me, even though they were probably just as embarrassed as I. “You’ll get better,” they said. “Just focus on your recovery.”
And they were right. How could I get mad at people for staring at me? I was a walking death. The realization and the shock slapped me awake again. I became filled with sickness and disgust toward my eating disorder for debasing me into an object of ridicule and pity. It just became so clear to me how undesirable my condition was, how revolting ED is and how much I was missing in life. I’ve lost my identity. Nobody saw me as a person anymore because of the way I looked and acted; I was a circus freak and I absolutely detested every second of it.
I was shaking with anger again, but this time it was towards my ED. I hated it so, so much with the very core of my being. Every fiber in my body was buzzing with hatred towards ED and at the moment, I had never felt as much determination and vigor to get rid of this disease once and for all.
That day, after a brief rest at the hotel, my parents and I were whisked off for lunch at a restaurant with the young pastor of the Kuala Lumpur Church, Pastor Jennifer. Joining us also were Pastor Jennifer’s parents and three other church congregants.
A brief note on this church business. Most of you already know that my dad is a missionary and pastor to the Chinese people. We’re not Chinese (we’re Korean) but God put in my dad’s heart the desire to serve the Chinese people all over the world. That’s why we moved to Singapore. My dad now has a church in Singapore, Kuala Lumpur, Penang, and a few more in China. Pastor Jennifer is my dad’s disciple, and my dad visits two times a year to give a 4-day-long retreat. So that’s why we were at Kuala Lumpur.
I went to Kuala Lumpur truthfully not really wanting to go. I was going because my parents were and they kind of insisted that I follow them. I didn’t want to go because I don’t have much affinity to Kuala Lumpur as I do to Singapore, and also because it would be four long days of sermons and church meetings.
But the trip ended up being really sweet. I hadn’t seen Pastor Jennifer in a long time, and there were a lot of new faces at the Kuala Lumpur church—a sign that it was growing. I didn’t talk much. I just sat by and observed and listened.
I felt so much stirring in my heart during those short four days. It was a beautiful environment—people who are passionate for Christ gathered together sharing their testimonies and praising the Lord. You won’t believe some of the stories these people have, stories that would wretch your heart and probably would seem exaggerated even in a soap opera. There’s a different spiritual atmosphere in Malaysia, too. Every where you turn, you see women shrouded in veil and red altars in every house; you smell incense and you hear chanting. It was an oppressive aura in the air, a spiritual darkness that I sensed constantly.
I remember a moment when a group of us were gathered at the basement of Pastor Jennifer’s house. We had bags of mangosteens (one of my favorite fruits) laid on the table before us, and as we peeled and chewed the juicy, honey-sweet fruit, my dad was sharing about his mission trip in China, and Pastor Jennifer was sharing about all the spiritual change going on in the Kuala Lumpur church. And I felt…so extremely blessed to be sitting in the middle of this amazing group, listening to this incredible discussion on how the gospel is spreading and how it’s practically affecting people’s lives. It made me realize that it’s not a coincidence that I am sitting right there amidst this group. It had to mean something.
Although I know not all my readers are Christians, I beseech you to open your minds on this subject of faith. I’ve been pausing for a long time here, staring at my screen, fingers frozen above my keyboard, wondering how to “tame” the spiritual aspect of my recovery, and the longer I think about it, the more I feel strongly that I shouldn’t water down my faith.
My faith was the impetus for my recovery. And the days in Kuala Lumpur was one of those moments when I felt a wonderfully real gravitation towards God. He was speaking to me, through these individuals. Why, He had been speaking to me all along, and now my heart was ready to drown out the disbelief and distrust and actually listen.
It was a divine realization on how significant and blessed this little mangosteen-munching group—including my parents—are in this world. The work they are doing is so powerful and real. They weren’t just sharing empty words of forced belief and fanatical religion. They were sharing words of truth that breathed life and hope into individuals. Individuals who took turn sharing their moments of life transformations, who talked about how the gospel gave them practical strength and wisdom to overcome the numerous shortcomings in their life.
I was deeply touched by all the stories I heard at Kuala Lumpur. It gave me hope that other people could make such definitive changes in their life because of Christ. It gave me aspiration to see the passion and purpose my parents shared with disciples. It gave me a desire to be like them; these were people who lived not for physical and temporary gains and pleasures, but whose vision and life mission were fixed on the eternal and meaningful. They had a life purpose, and because they had a life purpose, they also treasured others’ and their own lives.
I sent out a lot of longing prayers to God during those intensive days: “God, I want to be like them. I know I am weak, but I also want to help people. I want to have a clear life purpose. I don’t want to live worrying about my physical, aging body that will wither away within a few decades, or obsessing over trivial things like food and weight. I want to have a grander, more fulfilled life than that. Please, help me. Please, use me.”
Of course, that didn’t mean that my ED struggles just disappeared. Every day I was there, I still faced fears and anxieties. I worried about being too full or too hungry for my next meal. I worried about the calories, the fat, the MSG, the white, refined carbohydrates. I worried about the late night snacks, the unknown meal awaiting me, the lack of control of my meal times and meal places.
But somehow, I managed to conquer them with a lot more grace and persistence than I did in Korea. Actually, I had some of my proudest moments at Kuala Lumpur.
I ate white rice. Yes, plain white rice. Not without freaking out internally a bit, but I did it.
I also ate that wonderful, wok-fried kangkong (water spinach), which glistens from a shiny sheen of unidentified oil and spices. I lapped up the chili crab—laden with rich, thick and corn-starchy gravy, but still absolutely delicious for its chunky, buttery texture and piquant spices. I also enjoyed my other favorite dish, the curry fish head, which is cooked in a red pool of coconut milk gravy until the white, delicate flesh just falls off the gills. Oh, and how can I forget the sambal sotong (squid stir-fried in sambal sauce) and sambal clams? All of them incredibly rich and greasy, but I somehow managed to eat them, and enjoy every bite, stubbornly ignoring the oil stains on my chopsticks and lips.
Darn it. I’m making myself nostalgic for Southeast Asia again.
Anyway. The Kuala Lumpur intermission turned out to be the perfect gateway to Singapore. It prepared my heart and mind by reminding me that this ED battle was as much a spiritual battle as a physical and mental one. It gave me a model image of the kind of person I want to be (when I “grow up”).
I made a lot of lists on my little notebook. I made a “What I want to do when I ‘grow up’” List. I also made a “What I can’t wait to do once I gain weight” list. And also a “What I want to be able to eat” list, and a “What I need to change” list and a “Who I need to pray for” list.
But put simply, I had two main goals for my time in Singapore: to bless and be blessed.
Singapore, here I come.
Thoughts to Ponder:
1) Have you ever made lists during your recovery? What kind? Did they help?
2) What model image do you have for yourself in the future? What kind of person do you want to be?
3) Did you have to deal with people staring while you were/are sick? How did/do you deal with it?
Related posts:
{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }
Kuala Lumpur sounds like an aesthetically amazing place, between the luscious mangosteens, and the veils and red alters. I can’t even imagine it, to be honest. But I’m glad it was a place of positive reinforcement for you.
Good luck with your new internship!
I didn’t make any lists I think..or none that were helpful. Your second question I have no idea how to answer. I have no idea what I want to be like really (other than not an evil mean person) and have no real idea about what I want to do with my life. I think it’s part of what caused my eating disorder and still leads me to use it in a way. When I was real skinny, I was in high school, 14 and 15, so people just thought I was a really scrawny little kid usually, depending on how I was dressed. Other times I’d be out I could see the worry and they’d usually offer to buy me food [I'd be in the mall staring through the glass of a restaurant or outside in the food court]. I hid it pretty well though. Also, since where we lived was cold, I was always bundled up and add to the fact that I was already cold most of the time, two layers of tights with pants over it, an undershirt, a long sleeve and a fur coat hid things well..except my point face. Couldn’t hide that. Now out here and last year when my weight dropped again in this warmer climate, I got more stares..but it’s confusing when some people say you look like a skeleton and look awful while others say you look good..that’s LA for you 8/
I really like how you included your faith in your recovery. I think there’s a lot to be said about prayer or even meditation for someone who isn’t particularly religious because it gives us a chance to focus on who we want to become and how we want to change. One thing I want to become better at is being more open. I tend to be pretty guarded and I end up coming off as snobby or unfriendly.
I know this isn’t the same as being sick, but when I was a cheerleader in high school, I got elbowed in the forehead during practice. I ended up with a big goose egg in the middle of my forehead for the rest of the afternoon. I kind of wanted to call the people out who were staring at me! Anyways, I thought you might think it was funny.
It is something sacred inside to honor your faith.
You do not have to apologize for your beliefs, or water them down, fearing anyone else’s reaction. What you believe — is far different than belieiving and shoving it down someone else’s throat. insisting they believe just as you do.
You are simply stating what is true for you Sophia. And this is where you connect with God as you best understand Him or Her.
To bless and be blessed is so clean, so private, so pure and sweet. It is between you and Him – and nobody else:)
And to answer your questions:
1) I have made lots of lists. Usually they were irrelevant because they focused on outer things. I did not yet know how to approach what really mattered – the inner work that had to be done. I.E. I wanted a boyfriend so I could be happy – rather than learning to behave with self-esteem so that whether I was in a relationship or not, I created happiness for myself.
2. I want to be the kind of person who truly walks the walk. So that I think and act consistently in a way I respect and value, without loopholes, excuses or exceptions.
3. People avoided me when I was sick. I was so needy they didn’t want to be around me. I emotionally drained them because I simply wanted outer suport and to blame others, instead of doing my own work and making more effective choices that nurtured my self-esteem instead of demolishing it. I had to get healthy on my own for people to enjoy being with me. And now I can understand the why of all that, and it makes sense.
Good for you! And maybe people staring was a good thing – it helped you realize all the more that something needed to change?
Congrats on your internship!
I had a different kind of recovery journey thing than you, as I had stress-weight-loss, instead of ED-weight-loss, but gaining weight was still hard and lists were definitely useful – why I need to gain weight, how I’m going to gain weight, who’s going to love it (me on the list, too, of course), what I want out of life, why health is important, etc.
Sophia, if you ever come down to SEA, please let’s do meet up again.
Remembering our lunch at Cedele’s that day brings me smiles. I’m not sure if I’ve shared this with you…. but do you know, by a twist of “fate” or rather, I believe by God’s divine intervention, Valerie’s boyfriend came back from UK to Malaysia to work…ended up in my church (although he lives an hour away from the island) and in my cell group…. and I didn’t know it was Val’s boyfriend at first…till I added him on Facebook…and the rest was history. Val and I met up once more in the past year when I was down in Singapore – and we were amazed at how God made us meet through you last May. I will be attending their wedding this November.
Yes you did tell me!! It still gives me happy goosebumps to think of it. And they’re getting married in November! So soon! Please give an extra tight hug to Valerie for me!
miss you both so much!
I honestly cannot imagine how terrible the staring would be. Going through personal issues is tough; having your issues be publicly examined must be 100 times worse.
I know nothing about ED but I am seriously awestruck just how low ED can bring you down.
your FAITH is such a strong part of your road to recovery sophia and I cannot thank you enough for sharing it. It shows that God had his hand in it all, and yes he USED you. In fact, He is using you now. I am encouraged by your strength, your boldness, your passion.
Cheers!
LC
Sophia,
Thank you for being bold in your faith and having the courage to express where the true power inside of you comes from. It is by God’s grace only that we are able to change and turn away from the sin that takes us captive and holds us so tight. I am inspired by reading your journey. Thank you.
Aww hope you have a great visit with your parents!
I was just now struck specifically by how beautiful your story of recovery is. I mean, I am always moved but right now I am STRUCK. The way it unfolded is testimony that God will weave all things together for good and that your mess can become your message. It seems as though you came to know God more intimately during this transformative time — adding a new depth to your Faith that was really only possible coming from the depths of disorder. I also see amazing parallels at the this return trip to Asia (going home, returning to roots) as being both the impetus and the means behind you beginning tw walk toward a TRUE recovery.
And as always, you are gifted with the words and communication to share this with others.
It’s all very beautiful to me. (A beautiful struggle).
I’ve been following your blog for a while now and you’ve been an inspiration. Your honesty is refreshing, and I love that you’ve stayed true to yourself and did not sell out like lots of other food bloggers!
Hooray for your parents coming to visit! And I voted for you!! Hugs!
Thank you, Biz! <3
Great updates – I’m so excited on your behalf about your parents. I feel like you’ve gotten the opportunity to see them a lot these past couple months and that must feel good.
I didn’t get to see them for a year before (missed Christmas and New Years too) so I’m soaking as much of them as possible!
Double congrats! I wouldn’t worry too much about it being an unpaid internship. It was pretty standard when I was in college and seems to continue to be. I think whatever you can get to build your portfolio and experience is more valuable than money.
Will you be going to SF for foodbuzz? I’ll be there and it would be LOVELY to see you.
no, I won’t be there! T___T Darn, I would have LOVED to meet you too, Kelly.
I love that faith and God has helped you with recovery. I’m struggling with my faith and I’ve been searching for answers that I can only find in God. Your post has helped me realize that I need to turn back to Him for help and guidance. Thank you
I don’t know who I want to be. But I know I don’t want to be the girl who works out two hours a day and freaks out about eating a bite of bread. I also don’t want to the girl who sits on the couch crying while stuffing her face with Swedish fish. I just want to be me without reliance on food, exercise, or obsession with weight.
Congratulations on your nomination! I don’t know if I’ve mentioned before how brave I think you are for discussing ED on this blog, but I somehow think you’re even braver — and I have all the more respect for you — now that you’ve spoken so frankly and openly about your religion. People with faith often get brushed off or accused of ignorance by other ignorant people who refuse to succumb to faith. I congratulate you for your openness and honesty and look forward to reading more beautiful words about your adventures, struggles, and your life!
Wow thank you! That means a lot to me. :’-)
Congratulations on the internship!
Just to let you know I voted for you. Love your voice, always read you! The nomination was totally deserved.
Thank you so much!
Hi Sophia! I am here again! I love your blog and ED series. I think you deserve the prize without any doubt!!!
Your faith in GOD is so touching and beautiful. I also have to say that it is my acceptance of GOD that saved my life from ED. Even though I am still struggling with ED but I know that as now I have opened myself to GOD, He has the love and power to save me from that stupid ED. I think God just came into my life right at the time that I was soooo weak that my doctor thought I was gonna die at anytime (My heart rate was so low to about 30/min). But anyway, He came and saved me!!!
Sorry for writing all these kinda of irrelevant thing up there.
Here are my answers to ur questions:
1) I did not make any list for my recovery really but I did make a lot of lists about food calories, healthy food, unhealthy and etc. I was so into “HEALTHY LIVING STYLE” during my ED and even now. I do not know if I should continue doing that or this will only make my recovery harder.
2) I want to be a person who is loving, caring and can help as many people as I can. I am study math and stats at college right now and I aim to become a statistician and work for UN so that I could help people around the world. (I know this is super hard…all UN positions require at least phD. So I have a long long way to go..)
3) I did get a lot of people staring at me when I was really really thin and even now I still get some staring. But it’s pretty strange that when I was in China where most people are skinny I was stared more often by people than I was in the U.S. I am wondering if that means Americans actually see more ED people around? Definitely have no idea. >.< !
{ 2 trackbacks }