***** Happy early Labor Day to you all! I was at the grocery store the other day, and everyone was checking out burger buns and chips and tequila bottles. I’ve never celebrated Labor Day before, but I know what I’m going to do: procrastinate try to catch up on readings. Hope y’all have more fun stuff happening!
My internet service is back up, contributing to the ADD that pops up whenever I make up my mind to catch up on school work. Like researching on Sex and the City and writing this Weekend ED series, for example. A disclaimer: I am typing this 4 a.m in the morning, so I’m hoping my words are still coherent.*****
While reading up for my “Marxism in East Asia” class, I came across a quote that really resonated with me:
"Society does not consist of individuals, but expresses the sum of interrelations, the relations within which these individuals stand."
— Karl Marx from Grundrisse, 1858
I’m not a socialist, nor do I agree with a lot of Marxist theories. But I felt that the quote really rang true for me.
There are times when I feel like the society of today can get too individualistic. And to a point, yes, we are all unique individuals, and that is a worthy fact to celebrate. We are individuals who have responsibilities for our own goals, with our own destinies and life purpose. On the flip side, we are also all individuals who all suffer from individual problems and issues. There are things we have to deal that are unique, tailored to our own personalities, circumstances and backgrounds.
Yet, we live in a society; we are individuals with needs for interrelations. Stick a person in a solitary shelter for years, and see if that person doesn’t go insane. A friendless, lonely person rejected by society, no matter how wealthy and comfortable his or her life is, will become weird and dysfunctional in many aspects.
What I’m trying to get at is the fact that we humans need people and relationships in our life. Sometimes, those relationships create conflicts and lots of heartache, all which help us grow and mature as a person. Other times, those relationships make us happy and gives us lots of fun and laughter. Whatever kind of relationship it may be with whomever, I believe that the particular relationship was and is necessary to us at that specific period of our life (of course, if we’re going to get down into details, some relationships need to be broken off, but eventually it is still a contribution to self progression).
This was what I really lacked during my ED limbo. I was so individualistic, entrapped in my own world, my own views, my own problems. Everything was viewed in a self-absorbed perspective: I hate my stupid disorder. I love my disorder. Why can’t I stop thinking about food? Why can’t I eat that? How do I stop obsessing? Is my mother going grocery shopping today so she can buy me my Greek yogurt? I’m running out of oats and almond milk! God I hate my disorder.
And so on and so forth. You know how when you just cut yourself really bad, and it hurts and hurts and you just cannot stop thinking about it because it physically hurts for such a long time but the more you think about it, the more it seems to hurt? Yeah. That was exactly it.
Having an eating disorder doesn’t physically hurt, but it hurts every time you’re reminded that you’re not normal. Like when people stare at you in the streets, or when you’re eating. Like when your whole day is scheduled around your exercise and meal time. Like when you can’t socialize and relax with friends because you’re always so uptight and neurotic about the previous and next meal. It is exactly like living with a painful cut, except slightly worse because it’s a cut that won’t heal and there’s just no instant ointment to make it better.
So, I was reminded every single day how much having an eating disorder sucks. From the moment I woke up till the moment I went to sleep, I carried this “woe is me” attitude with me in everything I did and said and think.
As I mentioned on my last ED post, the spiritual support I accepted from my church brothers and sisters really helped. That was the initial step in stepping outside the constant “me, me, me” well. But I needed the next step. That is when Ted entered the next stage of my recovery.
Ted was a 33 year old new-comer to my church. He’s a Taiwanese American with rusty Mandarin, so he had trouble understanding the sermons (which is preached by my dad in Mandarin). Ted really wanted to learn more about the bible, and kept asking for someone to help him study the bible. Problem was that nobody in my church spoke fluent English.
Another problem was that Ted wasn’t an ordinary guy. He was a guy who had dropped out of college and still lived with his parents because of severe mental issues. He has been seeing psychiatrists and therapist for 20 years, and he has been on all sorts of medication for almost the same amount of years. He could barely hold on to a job because he sometimes acted up during work. But he knew he needed God. And here he was at church, and he couldn’t properly understand the Sunday message, nor could he find anyone to talk to about the bible.
When my parents told me this, I felt a sharpness in my heart. Not literally. It was a stir of emotion that had for so long been directed at myself: pity.
A couple weeks later, I volunteered to be the one having bible studies with Ted.
I’ll be honest. The reason it took me time to volunteer was because I was worried about how our bible studies will mess up my safe routine. Where would I fit that into my very busy schedule of meals and exercise and obsessing and food porn-goggling? But the longer I held back, the sharper the twinge in my heart. I knew what God wanted me to do. So I said, “I’ll do it.”
Praise the Lord for sending Ted into my life. Praise the Lord for giving me the courage to volunteer, because Ted was one of the biggest blessing in my life.
It wasn’t easy. First of all, I had physical limitations. I was at one of my lowest weight points. I got so exhausted by evening. I couldn’t talk for more than 5 minutes without my voice getting raspy and losing my breath.
Second of all, it wasn’t easy communicating with Ted. He had strong and irrational anxiety attacks; sometimes he would be convinced that strangers are staring at him and mocking him. Because of his neuroticism, he would read the bible obsessively every single day and get guilty for not finishing a chapter. Unfortunately, he would also misinterpret the bible and end up feeling frustrated and condemned with himself instead of gaining strength from God’s words. He would forget things easily and get muddled with the simplest facts like what he did yesterday, and he was also very sensitive, getting hurt easily by people.
Third of all: Gee. I’m not even that spiritual myself. Hello, look at me. I’m a girl who can’t even eat properly. Who was I to teach another fellow mentally disordered person about God?
All of those discrepancies aside, we surprisingly got along well. We weren’t exactly best buddies, but we kind of clicked in the sense that we truly, genuinely empathized with one another.
Many of our bible study sessions really weren’t about me preaching holy stuff to him. Half of the time, I was listening to Ted talk about his paranoia, his struggles and failures. It was about one to two hours a week that we would meet up and chat. But for the rest of the week, Ted was still in my mind. I would prepare the message I wanted to share with him, look up the bible verses I thought he needed, and pray for him whenever I could momentarily disengage myself from my own problems.
And gradually, those moments of disengagement from self increased. For the first time in a very long time, I had my mind on somebody else’s problem. I was stepping outside my own little world, and walking in somebody else’s shoes.
It was disturbing, too. Because even though Ted’s disorder was not the same as mine (he had no problem enjoying the yummy treats I baked him), I could see myself in him: his irrational fears, that numbing paranoia, the depression, the desperation. I faced that, too. In fact, I faced that every moment of my days.
When Ted would tell me for the fourth time all the shit that he imagined his co-workers were thinking/saying about him (he would twist the most innocent action into something damning; for example, someone handing him a napkin can suddenly be turned into something insulting), there were times when I wanted to strangle him. Actually, there were definitely times when I would yell at him to wake up and stop being such a paranoid, self-obsessed looney. And then as I regret my words, I would remember that I could be saying the same things to myself.
It was a big wake-up slap on the face to see a clear representative of myself in Ted. Was this how my family and friends felt when they see me eating the same things in obsessively measured quantities? Did they feel the same way when they saw me going out for a 2-hour walk with my stick legs? Did they have the same frustrated “what the heck is she thinking?!” bewilderment?
I realized from Ted that there is a force seemingly greater than us that was deceiving and oppressing us. Ted wasn’t a hopeless lunatic. He was an Oppressed, and there is an Oppressor. And suddenly, my own oppressor took a more definite shape. It was the clearest “Holy Shit, Fuck You, ED!” moment that I needed.
As a Christian, I do believe in Satan. And I think he takes the form of many things, and an eating disorder is one of them. My bible study sessions with Ted made it clear to me that there can be no compromises with ED. I don’t want a single trace of such an evil and horrible demon in me. There is no such thing as “sort of slave.” I was a complete slave to ED; this disease wasn’t going to go away by itself with me just moaning about it—I actually had to fight it.
I am so grateful to Ted. He helped me step outside my individualism, and see that I’m not the only person suffering. And as I began to care for somebody else, and pray for that person, something beautiful took place. Only when I became more aware of others, that I became more aware of myself and see my own condition in a more transparent light.
In fact, the message I preached to Ted was the same things God wanted to say to me. Whenever I comforted Ted and told him about Christ’s love and what his identity as the child of God meant, I was repeating those same convictions to myself. After all, it made no sense that I would have faith for Ted, and not transfer that grace to myself. In trying to be “teacher” to Ted, my time with Ted ended up teaching me too.
What touches me most is that God didn’t wait for me to become a holy, strong individual before pushing me to lead a bible study. He put two weak, disordered people together, and let them help each other. That’s kind of the wonder of God’s work and love. What I lacked in love, He provided.
We all need help and comfort in our lives. But sometimes, we all also need to be the helper and comforter in order to make progress in our lives. When we show compassion, that’s when we can truly reflect compassion to ourselves. Recovery is not an individual disease; it needs interrelational empathy and love. That’s just the way God intended society to be. Probably different from what Karl Marx’s quote meant, but that’s the way I’m interpreting it.
Questions to Ponder:
1) Was there a turning point in your recovery when you truly realized how disgusting and real ED is?
2) How do you think compassion and empathy plays into recovery?
3) Do you think it’s easier or harder to empathize with other people’s problems when you have your own?
P.S. Ted is still in Northern Virginia and regularly attending church services. His mother recently accepted Christ. During our bible studies about three years ago, whenever I asked Ted for prayer topics, his mother’s salvation had always been top in his list. I guess now Ted has found his own “Anne.” 
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{ 32 comments… read them below or add one }
I think the empathy question depends on the nature of the problem, yours and the other person’s. It may seem superficial, but I feel hugely sad for one of my friends that is struggling with a running injury (she trains properly: her injury is simply bad luck, unlike mine), I ache whenever I read a post or hear a story from someone struggling with overeating, or anxiety, because I myself relate to those problems. When you mentioned Ted, this sentence stood out to me: ‘He had strong and irrational anxiety attacks; sometimes he would be convinced that strangers are staring at him and mocking him.’ This is exactly the kind of paranoia that made me unable to leave my house, and lash out at those that loved me several years ago.
I think the true challenge is to show compassion to those with vastly different, or opposing issues to your own. That’s the mark of when you’ve really beaten selfishness, and the self-preoccupation of an ED into the ground. Because of my ED, I don’t (not ‘can’t') empathise with anyone with anorexia. I find myself jealous, resentful, craving a disorder that kills and destroys far more lives than my own BED. I think that’s also a moment that’s made me think of how vile I am with regard to my ED: I will see someone literally at death’s door and not pity them, but envy them. And I know how messed up that is.
The fact that you were able to help Ted, when he did indeed have a different set of issues, shows how much your faith had strengthened you, even when physically you were so weak. It’s a kind of courage and selflessness not known to many in this world.
I am so glad that Ted found peace in the end, and that his mother discovered her faith too.
xxx
I think there is a difference between you and ED. It’s ED who can’t empathize with other anorexics, ED who makes you jealous and bitter because you aren’t “sicker.” That’s what self-preoccupation does, too. It blurs the difference between your real identity and what ED wants you to be.
1) I feel like I’ve had several real “turning points” in my recovery… Some of them were just when I realised how outrageously irrational an ED is, after digging up supposed reasons and explanations for those irrational beliefs and thoughts I had surrounding food and health. One turning point happened after a dream, when the sound of someone hitting the ground after jumping off from somewhere way off the ground made me realise that recovery really IS a “do or die” scenario. Also, catching myself – at a point where my brain/mind had supposedly mostly recovered – unconsciously (rather, subconsciously) having disordered thoughts… That shocked and stopped me. I thought that geez, it’s frighteningly easy to let destructive ED behaviours and habits slip into your life if you don’t pay attention to recovery… and it’s not something, as you said, that you can cure just about moaning about it. I was open to gaining weight, wanted to gain weight… and yet wasn’t doing anything to actually do so! I thought that it would happen just because I wanted it to. Not so at all.
2) For a long time I’ve been very sympathetic and often empathetic towards others in their times of trouble and struggle, and had a tendency to view others’ problems as ten times worse than my own… I trivialised my own problems in comparison to others’ and told myself I didn’t deserve help for my when there were others who seemed to need it much more. So I guess empathy in my case was important only to a certain extent? I have a feeling I misunderstood this question!
3) Seems like I answered this in number 2, really. Despite having so many problems of my own, I seemed to be really good at empathising with others. I was a great listener and a shoulder to cry on for many friends, but when my ED and own emotional and family problems were unearthed, some close friends and family members told me that I should’ve reached out to others more and shared my own woes instead of internalising them. Hmm. Maybe this is just a display of an ED characteristic, though: socially isolating yourself so you can bear and deal with your own issues – if you even recognise that you have them. Sometimes I think it’s easier to empathise with others when you’ve had some troubles of your own – since you can relate to them with a bit more ease?
Ahh, sleep deprivation robs a brain of its ability to fully grasp and understand questions…
I did love your story about how empathising and helping another helped you, yourself, though. And glad to hear that Ted is sticking with church service and now, as you’ve said, playing the role of “Anne”.
Interesting to read another perspective on this. For me, ED made me self-absorbed, and I became stuck in my own world. Because I was so rigid in my own routines, I rarely got a chance to communicate with other individuals, hence not being able to experience empathy. I created my own jail solidarity.
I guess just as much as you empathize others, it has to be in conjunction with self-awareness. Together, it allows for a mutual compassion…hope that makes sense?
Heh heh, hope you got some sleep in!
I guess, like everything in life, “it depends”! To be more specific, I guess the shape and form of EDs can and will be different depending on our experiences and environments growing up. I grew up with a brother that constantly needed attention to keep him on track with school, help him whenever he was bullied, prevent him from falling into depression… so I became the “golden” child of the family simply because I recognised that my parents needed to spend more time on him. I thought if I were perfect, they’d have more time to worry about him and I wouldn’t be a burden on their minds. Then I had two close friends who were from abusive families, both of whom attempted suicide… It was easy to fall into the comparison trap and start to think “Oh, my issues with feeling unloved and alone are tiny compared to theirs!” (Then when eating was a problem – “I can’t have an ED because I didn’t have abusive parents like (insert name)” or, after realising I had a problem, “Having an ED and being underweight is nothing compared to the trauma and suffering that (insert name) went through from depression”. I don’t even know if I can call it denial. I knew what was wrong, but I put it in light of others’ troubles and deemed it insignificant – of pity, help, attention… etc.)
So… what you say does make sense! With self-awareness, I think you can prevent yourself from being too comparative (or comparative AT ALL) when others come to you or appear before you with problems. Empathy at that point – with the awareness of where you stand [in life] or awareness of your own problems – is probably more sincere than empathy offered when you trivialise or exaggerate your own problems. Yes, I think you’re right: only then will there be mutual compassion.
Beautiful post, Sophia. While I cannot entirely relate from a spiritual perspective, I can certainly relate to needing someone while also stepping outside your own little box. We lack empathy these days. We lack concern for the troubles others are facing.
Few know it, but emotionally I struggle on a daily basis. My circle of friends is limited because no one seems to take the time to truly understand that after years of emotional, verbal, and psychological abuse I am fighting to feel normal. I am torn between taking medication to calm down and avoid it so I can hopefully not become dependent on it. I’m fighting to feel accepted and loved by society while feeling more like I’m shunned because I be or am either 1. Too independent 2. Overweight 3. A bit on the crass side (working on that) 4. Too opinionated or 5. Too socially awkward. Each has had its fair share of struggles and worries.
Before John and I began dating I was with a guy who came out of an abusive marriage (mostly it was her beating him both physically and emotionally) and needed a hand. I was there for him. I clocked thousands of miles on my car to be with him and his family in San Jose. I sat with him when he went to court to fight his side of the issue. I woke up early to take him to his anger management classes. I hauled ass from Vegas to San Jose on Father’s Day in 2009 to get him to see a counselor/case manager just north of San Francisco because he didn’t drive. I did everything I could for him but in the end, he wasn’t prepared or simply didn’t want to help himself so I had to cut ties before I went down with him.
In the end, I feel it’s best we reach out to others and give them the time, love, and patience to help them the best we can. We may sometimes resist and fight like hell to not make a change but eventually those walls will break. That fear will subside. For some, it won’t like the case of my ex above. For those who are wanting to make the change but struggling to do so, it just takes time. Empathy, compassion, patience, and a willingness to understand go one hell of a long way in helping someone.
I know all this because we talked about it together, but I loved reading it again. I’m so glad you’re rid of the ex, and that you gained some wise perspectives from this relationship, even though it was not at all an ideal one. You were smart to break it off with him before it drained you further.
And…you might be a bit crass, but to me, you’re still awesome.
I’ve never had an eating disorder, but I do have an anxiety disorder and have had depression (which often comes back for months to a year at a time). My mom has always been the same for as far as I can remember. She’d sleep all day and verbally lash out at people, which when I was a younger teenager (began at 13), became like too (although instead of yelling at people, I became uninterested in pretty much everything). I eventually realized that my behaviors were a lot like hers and that’s when I really tried fighting it because I didn’t want to be like that forever.
Give this weekend to yourself to just catch your breath! Once Tuesday starts then it’s all hustle and bustle until Thanksgiving or even December!
I really admire how your life encounters help you to figure out who you are and recover as well. It is hard for some to draw on experiences and apply the reason for it or meanings behind it to themselves.
I guess what I’m writing doesn’t make that much sense (it’s the weekend
) but I really love reading about your interactions with others and how they affect you. They always turn out meaningful and beautifully written.
Oh and believe it or not, I actually saw your review of EVK on Yelp.
It started out as research on USC technologies and ended on Yelp. Of course.
Hahaha! I hope you took my Yelp advice and avoided EVK!
I think compassion and empathy is important in everything.
Compassion is when I am wise enough to know that I used to be in the same place and how much it mattered when someone reached out a literal and sometimes physical hand of kindness to me, instead of putting me down.
Compassion is the wisdom to step back and see clearly that ofetn we are our own worst enemies, and that the meanest of people are usually the unhappiest deep down inside.
Compassion is being good to yourself, not hurting yourself and not hurting others.
Wise words, Laura. <3
BEAUTIFUL!!!!!
I really enjoy reading this series!
I have a question, though. I’m not trying to be negative or anything, but I notice a lot of cursing in your posts. I know this is your blog and you can say whatever you like, but as a Christian, is it okay to be saying these words like they mean nothing? I’m asking out of pure curiosity, because I myself have given up using curse words a few years ago, and I just wanted to know your thoughts on using such language.
When I was in elementary school, all my friends cursed. In middle school and high school, all my friends cursed too. So cursing became sanitized for me. To be honest, I haven’t tried too hard to break the habit because I’m still surrounded by people who curse, Christian or not. I’ve tried half-heartedly, but never really got that motivation like you did. Maybe I need a bigger kick in the ass?
Sorry, is “ass” a curse word? Hm, now realizing that I can’t even really distinguish them… But I don’t know…perhaps because I’m so used to hearing and using them, I don’t see them as “curse” words but colorful, more emotional adjectives. I need to think more on this. For now, I just don’t have a satisfactory answer for you, or even a clear opinion on this issue.
One of my teachers told me that cursing is super contagious, and couldn’t agree more. Most of my friends curse too, and as a teenager in high school, I often get odd looks when I explain that I don’t curse. I guess you could see them just as colorful words, but do you ever accidentally let out those colorful words in a professional environment? When I used to curse, I found myself dropping f-bombs in unnecessary situations (out of pure habit), and when I accidentally cursed at church, I knew I had to stop. Plus, my grandpa got super mad when he found out that I cursed, and that helped me stop.
I don’t let them out in professional environments, though weirdly enough during my internship all my higher-ups cursed in front of me, even my recruiter! I was quite shocked! Haha! But I see your point; it’s easy to let it slip.
It’s hard to stop, but I’ll just need to try harder. >__< eek.
Well…if there ever IS a time and place for curse words it when talking about EDs.
They are pure pure evil.
Again such a touching story for you to share with your readers about your past. I am sure it is helpful for you to write about your experiences and I know this helps others to realize they are not the only ones going through something, ED or otherwise. It is great that you helped Ted and in the process learned about yourself as well. I am sure he is thankful for you as you are of him.
Like usual, another fantastic post. I don’t know if I ever had a turning point in my ED where I suddenly felt how disgusting ED could be. I think because I gained weight so rapidly, it took longer for my mind to catch up. For months after I started my daily binges, my eating habits (except the binges which I fought so hard against) hadn’t changed until recently. I think it took a lot of internal soul searching to really figure what my ED had done for me. Slowly I realized it’s kind of a security blanket that kept me tight, hidden away from the world where I could control everything but actually devastated the girl I had been. Like you, I had become very antisocial and very drawn into myself because I had been so obsessed when I’d allow myself to eat again and needing that time to exercise. I think it’s great that working with Ted helped you realize satanic aspect of ED. I definitely think I have much more compassion for people now regarding weight and health issues. I can’t bear to listen to anyone make fun of a person for being too fat or skinny. And I think that once you are able to fully understand the impact of your problems, you are able to empathize with others for his/her problems. But when you are thrust deep into depression or ED, you really don’t have the energy to focus on anything except the overwhelming sadness.
Only God would put 2 dysfunctional people together and have them heal each other. I never cease to be amazed by how He works. Your recovery story is looking brighter! I can’t wait to read til the end!
Really like this post. It makes me think a lot and the quote you mentioned at the beginning points nicely out, why I wasn’t just adversed to the communism in china as I experienced it. I am not talking about politics here (though at the moment I am staying in the library studying for my oral finals in east asian economy and have enough arguments black on white that some state-regulation can actually be helpful in particular situations – but in general I prefer democracy and so no discussions about that) – I want to emphasize the social aspects of a society which is used to see itself more of a whole than a bulk of individuals. Probably this is less a feeling people get because of their right of choice, but due to modernization, because I experienced this in other out-of-european countries as well as with friends and their families in germany who just have another cultural background. To them family traditions, long term friendships, moral values which to some may seem fusty often seem to be more important then to my modern-western-way raised friends.
This way of living is far more attractive to me than being oh so individual, having new friends, new lovers, new adventures all over your life and ending up a lonely catlady, not knowing your own neighbours.
*chmchm* sorry, got a bit engaged in this – but I really would like to know whats your subject of study? Because “marxism in east asia” was one of my first semester classes.
I enjoyed what you said about the family traditions, long term friendships and moral values. I love America and its democratic values, but perhaps because it’s a country of immigrants, it is easy to become individualistic and isolated here, especially in a city like Los Angeles.
Oh , and I’m a double-major in print journalism and East Asian Language & Cultures. I’m really liking all the classes I’ve taken for my EALC major!
Thanks for the post, Sophia. I needed to hear this right now. I had someone like Ted come into my life last year and really thought I “got it” with stepping outside the “me” mentality of the ED, but I’ve regressed since then, and all but forgotten the insight I thought I learned. Isolation does that to you, which is why, for anyone with an ED, I think being around people almost constantly is a must. Hope it’s a good week for you.
I think God sends us exactly what we need in our times of need. It is so amazing how he provides for us.
I think people can better empathize when they have experienced the same thing, or are going through something difficult themselves (whether similar or not).
WOW SOPHIA…..this is so amazingly powerful and eye opening! Thanks for sharing such bold thoughts with us!~ It’s amazing that even at YOUR GREATEST WEAK point, God still used you and Ted in return! He is so good and gracious….”There is no such thing as “sort of slave.”” And that is so true, because as wishy washy human beings, we tend to have a hard time just compromising a little here and there, whereas God sees everything as black and white when it comes to that. We’re either captive, or free! And you are FREE Sophia. I miss you!! Hope to go to the Bible Study soon if I’m still welcome
hehe
We are social beings and we need companionship. This is what I have found for myself although it is nice to have our own “space” sometimes so that we can reflect and grow as individuals. You are truly a God-sent angel Sophia by putting your hand up to help Ted when you have some trying issues of your own. I have no answers as to whether it’s easier or more difficult. I only think it is a great deed by merely volunteering a helping hand for someone in need. What goes around comes around and you are truly blessed because it is a privilege to be able to help.
My Labor Day was probably less eventful than yours!
Was there a turning point in your recovery when you truly realized how disgusting and real ED is?
Right here and now…these past months. It is genuinely the most frightening thing because you are still in captivity — yet it is now like you said, being tortured by Satan every.single.second.
BUT I am so so happy to be where I am….it is all in God’s workings.
This is such a beautiful story. I wish I was a screen writer as this is a movie that needs to be made.
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