**** There were times when I wanted to stop blogging. But I can’t seem to be able to pull away, because despite a few down moments of blogging, the ups are so much more powerful.
The Great Fundraising Act, an online auction and bake sale initiated by Janetha is one such moment. When I got the email by Janetha rallying up bloggers to help raise funds for Susan’s medical bills, what choked me up was the slews of following emails by fellow bloggers who want to contribute or help out in any way.
I’ve personally met Susan, and I can attest that she deserves every love and devotion we can pour on her.
The auction starts tomorrow—Monday July 25th—at 8 a.m. EST. Please participate. Not only will you be receiving some awesome baked goods or products from wonderful bloggers and companies, you’ll be helping out a beautiful person in need. It’s a win-win-win situation.
I also want to give a shout-out to another dear fellow blogger, Ellie from Fit For the Soul. I met her for the first time yesterday, and the girl is a jewel. I’ve been fighting darts of depression and frustrations lately, and her prayer for me worked wonders. Thank you, Ellie. ****
From where I left off on my Weekend ED Series, I was a physical and emotional wreck. It’s no surprise that my spiritual condition wasn’t the best, either. I firmly believe that our bodies, mind and spirit are intricately and deeply connected. You cannot prosper in one and not the other, and vice versa.
During my days of limbo at home for two years, my parents really didn’t ask too much out of me, but one thing they were uncompromising about was my spiritual life. There was a time when I didn’t want to go to church. After all, my relationship with God was riddled and tattered; it had been months since I even picked up a bible. But my parents wouldn’t hear of it.
“Even if you cannot eat, even if you cannot drink, you must hold on to Christ,” my dad told me whenever I tried to excuse my way out of church activities. “Nothing can save you now other than Him.”
I’m not sure I entirely believed that. It wasn’t that I didn’t believe God couldn’t save me. It was more that I couldn’t believe He would want to save me.
Because I couldn’t believe that I was loved, I couldn’t love myself. And because I couldn’t love myself, I couldn’t love my body and take care of it. It was a cycle, a vicious cycle that you don’t know how to break because you don’t know where to start, and because the rhythm of the cycle has already become too familiar.
I want to thank my parents, however, for relentlessly taking me to church. It couldn’t have been easy for them, either, because…well, it’s such a ridiculous thing. The pastor, who goes up to the pulpit to bless people and feed them the word of God, comes to church with a visibly sick child who still hasn’t been healed. It seemed so ironic and incredulous. And because I was aware of that fact, I entered the church grounds with my head bowed low, not wanting to make eye contact and just feeling stupid and humiliated.
Yet…my parents always took me to church. Not just Sunday service, but I was made to attend Friday bible groups as well.
At some point in those days, I could feel my hardened heart slowly starting to meld. There is power in words—even though I disbelieved it at first, having it constantly told to me that I am a blessed individual, that I am beloved, that God has a plan and purpose in me—these words definitely stirred something in my heart.
There would be times when my mother and I would read the bible together, and then pray together with joined hands afterward.
Those were my favorite moments, because suddenly, I felt…human again. Those were the times when I actually felt whispers of real emotions and thoughts that weren’t entangled with eating disorders. I would cry, and it wasn’t out of self-pity and despair, but because I felt like strands of tangible hope was being tossed out to me.
I would read Psalms, and be full of envy of the kind of personal relationship David had with God. I would read the Four Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke and John), and fall in love with Christ—his wisdom, his gentleness, his love, his sacrifice. I would read about all the major biblical characters, and smile wryly at their weaknesses and character faults, and then feel encouragement at how God still lifted them up and used them greatly.
I would gain all these comfort from the words in the bible, and start to wonder: These words…they’re true, aren’t they? And if they’re true, how does that have to do with me?
The problem, however, was that I didn’t really know how to apply them directly to me— my life, my situation, my story. I would wonder, but I don’t think I was able to sink the fact that the God who blessed those individuals in the bible was the very same God who lived in me.
I don’t think I was able to process and digest the fact that I’m not an eating disordered person. No, I’m Sophia Lee, a unique individual blessed and beloved by God, despite and because of all my conditions and situations.
At the base of this problem lies the problem of self-identity. I kept seeing myself as a weak, skinny, mentally diseased, pitiful wretch of a sub-human being. And because that’s how I saw myself, that was how I acted. Because I saw myself as unworthy, I wasn’t capable of receiving love and kindness.
Thank the Lord, however, for not giving up on me, even though I myself had given up all hope. Actually, I would say that He let me go through all this hell knowing that it’s an essential process in my life.
I understand that not all of my readers are Christians. And I know saying this might turn some people away. But I want to be clear: I could not have survived without Christ.
I strongly believe that it was God who sustained my life. I really should have died, with the level my weight plummeted, with the level my mental and emotional capacity was twisted, with the level of my hopelessness and despair.
One way that God prevented me from reaching the bottom depths was through His words. Even though at first I was unwilling and rebellious, He still constantly fed me His words through different means.
Let me just conclude this post with a few verses that really helped me. I hope it helps you too.
“The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust.” <Psalm 103:8-14>
“I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you.”<Luke 10:19>
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand….For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.”<Isaiah 41:8-10,13>
The whole of Psalm 16: “…I will praise the Lord, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I have set the Lord always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken…”
The whole of Psalm 118: “His love endures forever.”
Questions to Ponder:
1) Do you believe you are loved and blessed?
2) If not, why not? Or if so, what is the evidence of that?
3) What is your best source for constant hope and encouragement?
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{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m not Christian, but Muslim and I have to say that my faith in God had a huge role in my anorexia recovery along with the support I received from my parents. I am not extremely religious but found myself praying for strength during those hard times- the strength to move forward and keep going through the excruciating recovery process- plus seeing how much my parents were praying for me really brought a renewed sense of faith in me.
I do believe and know that I am loved and blessed, just seeing how far I’ve become and having faith in God that everything in my life happens for a reason has helped me have no regrets and learn from all my past errors and experiences. It’s comforting to have the belief that everything happens for a reason even if not immediately recognized.
I am so happy that you have found your inner peace. I can tell from your posts that you are a wonderful and very worthwhile person. Keep up the good work
I know I am loved and blessed, but having the strength and will-power to affirm that is what I struggle with. For someone who has lived with an excercise or eating disorder, those ugly facets of our temporary affliction cloud our vision and define us of who we are. We need to remember a time before, and, like you said, we need to understand that we havew value and self worth if for no other reason than we are a unique individual given gifts from God. And those gifts don’t include being able to run miles on end or avoid the “temptation” of food.
God is my best source of hope and encouragement, but as a Catholic, I rely a lot on certain Saints (Augustine, Aquinas) and even poets and artists (TS Eliot, Thomas Cole) to help me strive to be closer to him, and continue pushing back against the weight of my mental and physical struggles.
Thanks for another good reflection.
i believe the psalms are healing. They help me “talk” with God. I understand when you feel so distant from God because you feel like you don’t deserve his love. But wow, look how God used those around you to show you his love during that time. Freakin Awesome!!
I’m so pumped for tomorrow!! I hope the TGFA is heard everywhere!!
<3
I’m not Christian either, but faith in any form, from what I have experienced and observed, is truly powerful.
Even if you don’t believe in someone/something called God, just having faith in yourself and abilites can help pull someone out of a difficult place.
We go through our ups and downs and I truly think family is the saving force for those going through their downs…I know it helped me get through high school, which was a terrible experience for many reasons.
1) Do you believe you are loved and blessed?
Logically? Yes, in a way… Emotionally…No..or at least it jumps straight to “NO!” and then “Well maybe..” then “*grumble grumble* I don’t wanna talk about it….not really. I don’t think so..what is love anyways?”
2) If not, why not? Or if so, what is the evidence of that?
My family lacks communication. Period. Lol. Our personalities clash alot. My mom and I, my grandma, my dad. They all clash in a very frusturating way…Maybe I’m loved, but love and intention can get lost in translation..Or rather I want to say they think they love me, but I don’t see it. So either it’s there or it’s not REALLY love.
3) What is your best source for constant hope and encouragement?
Um…other than me knowing when I get sick of something I will eventually fix it as that is just who I am? I also have faith constantly in my life that everything will work out in the end. No matter what. Life may be crappy but..what does it matter now? Does that even make sense? Lol…I don’t have any encouraging people in my life. I know I can do things. When it comes down to it and I “have to” I can. I will. becuase I have to. If not then..well, that’s that. Can’t change anything, can’t go back. It’s not that i have hope, it’s that I just feel there is no choice really but to..exist? Time moves on. Knowing that gives me hope I guess you could say.
This will sound cheesy, but the world sustains me. Sometimes when I’m caught in a dark mood, I’ll start looking at travel sites or reading something by Elliot that reminds me of how deep and strange the world is. Curling up and holing away is no different than dying to me. So it helps to remember how vast the world is and how I’ve explored so little of it. There are movies I haven’t seen, books I haven’t read, people I haven’t met, and places I’ve never traveled.
I know I’ve made some enemies and there are people out there who certainly don’t love me. But I find much more peace in knowing that most people love you as best they can in the capacity they know you.
It took me a while to realize that I am loved. I was always so unsure of peoples’ true motives for most of my life. It wasn’t until I had a lot of friends & family pulling for me during a recent surgery & then my first figure skating competition this past week that I realized people actually do care.
As far as being blessed, I really don’t know. I’ve gone through a lot of hardships that it makes me upset to see people who seem to have a perfect life. Guess I still need to work on that one.
This entire post. I needed it. Thank you!
I do not normally comment on posts but I need to thank you for this post! I have struggled with anorexia for way too long and it has been hard but I think it has been even harder not knowing how to accept that God could love such a screw up. Reading this post was another way that God has been trying to reach me again and show me that He is reaching out for me, but I keep running from Him, out of fear.
How did you turn away from the eating disorder? I am at the point where I want the desire to build my relationship with God and give up my eating disorder, but I have been at this point for so long, and my desire is still to stick with the eating disorder
Oh Jenn, believe me, if there ever is a screw up I was the biggest one. And still, God helped me recover– and He most definitely can and will deliver you, too.
It seems that you’re conflicted between wanting your ED and wanting your freedom in God, but trust me, the person wanting that ED isn’t you. Nobody wants ED and all the sufferings that come with it. You need to distinguish between what you want, and what the eating disorder wants. Again, be clear of your identity: you are not Anorexic Jenn. You are an awesome, one-of-a-kind beloved creation of God who is worthy of all kinds of blessings. Change your self-perspective, and the rest will follow. Also, I really recommend reading the bible more. Even if you don’t feel like it, even if you think it doesn’t apply to you, read it. There is power in the word of God, and I know that His word can stir the spirit in your heart and soul.
Don’t give up hope, Jenn! The fact that you’re still alive, and asking this very question proves that there is absolute hope in you.
You have such a beautiful soul and a way with words, Sophia. <3
Okay, that’s it. I’m reading through Psalms!! I LOVEEE the whole “far as the east is from the west” part–so, so, so comforting <3
God played a huge role in my recovery–i believe true recovery comes through Him!
I cried reading this. I’m a christian and I know I wouldn’t have survived without the help of God.
Thanks so much for this post.
I believe that I am loved and blessed by God, my family and my friends. Thanks for such a heart-felt post.
I am so excited for the auction tomorrow, and I hope it is a HUGE success.
This is the first of your ED posts that I have read, as…. I’m not sure why. I didn’t know what to expect? Though it was too personal? Didn’t want to feel uncomfortable?
But this is full of comfort. I would add that it seems that as much as you thank God for saving you, it was your parents who continually made sure that connection was made, right?
I don’t know… I’m with Mimi. I’m in awe of every sun-dappled leaf outside my window, watching my plants grow, planning and dreaming about what’s around the next bend, and savoring the memories that I cherish most. I have some bad spots on occasion (more frequently than I’d like), but it’s my senses that bring me back. Taste, touch, sight, hearing…
Thank you Sophia this was beautiful and something I really really needed to read.
I am at such an impasse with God.
Why? Because I am living in sin *I consider my eating disorder a sin*…it separates me from God and then the devil creeps in and convinces me I need to crawl under a rock and worship from afar — as an outsider looking in. Because I am not “worthy” because I continue to do the things I don’t want to do.
It is very much a cycle…
When so much of loving God involves obedience, and yet you are a slave to compulsion…it is hard not to hide and be ashamed. Yet that is the worst thing to do.
So right now I am trying to draw close to God…though I am haunted by this darkness, I know he can wash me clean and his mercy renews every day…..every second.
Wonderful post. I do believe that I am loved and blessed. There’s no other explantion for the life that I have, even though I have my moments when I think otherwise. I’m so excited about the auction. It’s awesome!
The spiritual healing must have been so helpful in recovery. I had a question for you actually – as a part of the overall ED recovery process did you have to do therapy at all?
I didn’t have any professional, formal therapy…but I would say my parents were my “therapists.” I could tell them anything and everything, and I felt most comfortable talking to them because they know me well and because it’s not easy finding a therapist who shares the same faith as me.
whoa!! more power to Christ for being the one who truly healed you!!
And I think it’s sooooo wonderful that they’re like friends/mentors, b/c it’s not common to have that with our own parents. I do believe that I am loved and blessed in every way!! Of course, being human and all, there are times when I don’t “FEEL” it, though I know it. Then, the Lord reminds me how much grace He’s had upon me and there’s no way that I’m where I am if it weren’t for Him. Not to be pessimistic or anything–but if I didn’t know Him, I’m puuuurttyyy sure I wouldn’t be living! 
I’m not Christian, but I firmly believe that it’s important to know/believe there is something larger out there. Whatever you want to call it, God, Christ, community, love…it’s important to know we’re not alone.
This was really beautiful. There are many times when I stop and think how blessed I really am and how thankful I am to God for all the things He’s given me. As much as I like to think I’m independent, I know that I couldn’t do half of the things I do on my own.
This is such a beautiful post. I think about how grateful I am for the many wonderful things in my life. I don’t know if I necessarily direct that gratitude towards God per se, but I constantly thank the universe for its blessings and my loved ones for their presence in my life. Maybe that’s kind of like God. Either way, it is so powerful to me and it moves me to strong emotions, similar to how you described reading the Bible with your mother.
I am truly warmed by the display of generosity the auction for Susan has shown. Everyone who has been a part of it has been blessed in some way – not only those receiving an item. We are all receiving the amazing feeling that accompanies helping other people.
Have a great Tuesday Sophia!
1) Do you believe you are loved and blessed?
i… can’t answer this question properly. sometimes i do, sometimes i don’t. it always seems to me that when i don’t “need” god, he is all around me; yet when i am in the depths of despair, he is nowhere to be found: a fairweather friend only.
2) If not, why not? Or if so, what is the evidence of that?
i’m not sure, exactly. all my life i have been a spiritual person, but despite a heavily catholic early childhood, i had very little religious tutelage since the age of eight, when my mother and i stopped attending mass, and never was i inculcated with any sense that god was with me always– he was a sunday, church-time subject. nevertheless, i have always explored god in all his forms, all religions, looking for one that really spoke to me. but i have yet to find one that i can completely commit myself to, one that accepts my ideals on political, gender, and sexuality issues, and never yet have i truly felt god speak to me in my heart, though i see the evidence of his existence in the world around me every day. moreover, i feel that i have done nothing to deserve my sufferings, from my ed to multiple rapes to the abandonment of me by my father, and have had no help from him to overcome them– i simply fail, time and time again (see: 5 or 6 hospitalizations) to recover, to move on, to stop harming myself. i want god, but does he want me?
3) What is your best source for constant hope and encouragement?
to tell the truth, it is my garden that does the most for me. although i love my mother more than i can express (and am deeply fond of my newfound father, her second husband) i cannot tell her all that i go through and all that i do because i don’t want to hurt her. i hide so much from everyone, but i can always go outside in the sunshine to my summer garden, and look at my plants, and tell myself, they wouldn’t be alive if it wasn’t for you. my stepfather doesn’t care about vegetable gardens, and my mother’s degenerative arthritis often leaves her in so much pain that she comes home and goes to bed– but because i am still here, still alive, and well enough to walk and tend to my sturdy heirloom tomatoes, tendrils of snow peas, delicate fronds of lettuce, spreading vines, wide verdant leaves, and yellow flowers of squashes and cucumbers, tiny, christmas-light jalapeno peppers, and fat, squat sweet peppers… oh, it gives me heart to wake up to another day.