**** One of my biggest fears while doing this Weekend ED Series is the possibility that I might trigger someone. The topic of weight, eating habits, etc. is a sensitive, hazardous topic to thread because I want to be detailed and expose the insanity and real-life suffering of eating disorders, but I also don’t want anybody to mimic the behaviors or thoughts that I recount.
But I’ve come to accept the fact that I cannot be perfect. There is no perfect writing that can strike every person in a positive way. I try my best to stray away from numbers and such, but I really do need to expose the depths of an eating disorder simply because it’s such a stigmatized or almost glorified disease.
So I do my best to be trigger-free, but there are posts that may be…thorny. And this post may be one of them, so if you’re susceptible to triggers, you’ve been warned. ****
On my last ED post I talked about the emotional aspect of eating disorders. Here’s the physical aspect of it, though I’m pretty sure it’s not news to most of you.
We see it in the tabloids. How many times have I seen a picture of an emaciated Angelina Jolie or Lindsay Lohan on the cover of US Weekly magazine, with the flashy caption: “89 lbs! Friends and Family worry!” or “Nicole: Is she starving herself?!”
As much as I think it’s a good thing to spread awareness on eating disorders, I think at this day and age, eating disorders have become over-exposed. And with over-exposure come a lot of misinformation, scandalous gossip and stereotypes.
Not all eating disordered individuals are emaciated. Some are school athletes who are buff enough to kick your ass. Some are plump with a bit of baby weight and cellulite, like every other regular person in the world. In most cases, they just look normal.
I’ll be honest. Having been a victim of ED myself, I have this unconscious yet highly alert radar for skinny people. I dislike visiting Santa Monica and Hollywood because within a half-mile radius I can spot a handful of individuals whom I can peg as “unhealthily skinny” and suddenly my mind is full of thoughts of “Is she anorexic? Bulimic? Sick? Or just naturally skinny?”
I hate it. It’s annoying because I’m doing the exact same thing I hate other people doing to me. Judging someone by their weight and appearance. But unfortunately, in most cases, my ED senses is accurate. Or maybe…the world just has more eating disordered people than we realize. Either way, it’s become a natural thing to point at a skinny person and say, “she’s probably got eating issues…”
But what the people who aren’t the poster image of an eating disorder? Honestly I can’t speak for those people, but I’ve talked to enough people who struggle with EDs to know that there is no cookie-cutter version of an ED sufferer.
And for those people who don’t fit into the cookie-cutter mold, it’s a double-damnation because most of the time, their family and friends don’t recognize or believe that they are struggling, which makes it incredibly easy for them to hide or deny their issues. It also makes them glorify anorexia (never bulimia or OED, for obvious reasons); they want to be as anorexic as possible, almost to prove that they do have an eating disorder. Possibly that’s one of the reason why Pro-Ana sites gain traffic.
But let’s observe what this “model” of anorexia truly is. Most people might only imagine bony shoulders, protruding rib cage, stick-like arms and legs. Well, that’s true. However, there’s a whole lot more unattractive physical consequences than pure emaciation. Let me share some of mine.
In fact, let me show you:
A picture says a thousand words. And the pictures above were my “better” days in Singapore. But behind that tragic-looking creature are even more unglamorous features. Here are just a few of them:
1) Hair loss:
I think this was the most aggravating thing to me at the time. I lost so much hair that you could see bald patches on my skull. I dreaded washing my hair because each time I did, I would pull out bunches and bunches of hair. My hair got so thin that I couldn’t even tie it up into a ponytail. My mother would complain because the floor was always littered with my hair.
I even lost hair from my eyelashes and eyebrows. How crazy is that?
That really made me sad because I used to be so proud of my hair. Now the only feature I actually like about myself was thin, brittle and falling. I tried eating lots and lots of nutritious stuff that was supposedly good for me, but ha. What I really needed was calories. Plain and simple.
2) Raspy voice:
At my lowest weight range, I couldn’t talk much or loudly. If I spoke for too long, I got breathless and my chest hurt. In church, trying to sing the hymns out loud made me dizzy. I’m not a biologist so I don’t know what that really means, but somehow my severe weight also affected my ability to speak well.
3) Indigestion/Bloating:
I am by genes a burper. My father burps, my grandfather burps, and I’ve never met my great grandfather, but he probably was a huge burper, too. But I became a farter, and my farts got stinkier and stinkier with my weight loss. My digestive tract was so worn down and shrunken that anything I ate took hours to digest, and my stomach could only squish the contents in it painfully and laboriously.
Another reason why I stayed home. My farts could probably kill an elephant.
4) Sandpaper skin:
If you touched me, you would have thought it was the hide of a rhinoceros. My skin was parched to the point that you could see the white cracks seeping across the broken pores. They flaked, too, like dandruff. A poke and a flutter of white dry dead skin cells would shower down.
5) Edema:
It was the ankles for me. They puffed and swelled up as though the under-layer of the skin have been pumped with jelly-like liquid. I’ve heard it can be painful, but I think at the time I was really insensitive to pain, so it wasn’t particularly painful for me.
It did, however, hurt when someone poked or touched the swollen areas. And when you poke it, the dent would stay as white indented spots in the skin. The skin peeled easily, too. Just a gentle scratch, and a whole strip of skin would peel right off. I actually have a lot of permanent scars on my legs because of that.
6) Immobility:
This is a funny one because there wasn’t a day I rested from my daily walks around the neighborhood. Funny how my will could force me out each morning to walk around for hours, even though all my muscles were depleted and a gentle uphill slope could trip me up. But I could walk plain slopes, so I memorized all the roads that didn’t have uphills and stayed in that circuit.
Obviously, climbing up the stairs was a no-no for me. I took a good 10 minutes to climb a simple flight of stairs— with the full support of rails. If there were no rails, I couldn’t climb up, someone had to support me, while a 2-year-old blithely hops up the stairs beside me.
Actually, I could barely lift the covers off me, too. I would have to struggle a bit to climb out of bed each morning because wow, you actually need some fat and muscle to roll the duvet off you.
7) Frigidity:
No comment.
8) Coldness:
I felt cold even in the middle of summer. People would be wearing shorts and tank tops and showing off their tan, and I’ll be bundled in long sleeves and thick sweatpants. Which suited me at the time, so I could cover up my unsightly pale and veiny limbs.
9) Fat loss:
Well obviously. But you don’t realize how much a human being actually needs fat until you lose it all.
Sleeping hurt. Sitting hurt. Anything that involved physical contact hurt me, because there was no protection layer of fat. Instead, my bones would be poking me on all sides, and I had to constantly shift position in my sleep as the dull pain increased over time.
I also lost fat in the most obscure places. My earlobes shrunk. My nose became sharper, like Michael Jackson’s. And when you lose fat in your face, you lose all the natural, healthy beauty that used to define who you are.
10) Lack of appetite:
It’s funny. I don’t recall ever physically feeling hungry, or specifically craving any sort of food during those days. Mentally, I was thinking of food all the damn time, but physically, I craved nothing.
Even when I was eating, my mouth was chronically dry and I couldn’t taste the nuances of the food. Food tasted like blobs of unappetizing sweet or spicy or salty to me. That may explain why many anorexics have the tendency to over-spice and over-salt their food. I had an obsession with pumping each dish with lots and lots of salt and black pepper and different spices to the point that my mother made sure to inspect my cooking.
If there was anything I did crave, it was salt or sugar, just to get a taste of flavor. I still remember salting and drizzling my cottage cheese with sugar-free syrup at every bite, and my oatmeal reeked of salt and sweetener.
So these are just 10 of the physical symptoms of anorexia. There is just absolutely nothing attractive about this disease. I abhor Pro-Ana sites with all my heart and soul because it gives the illusion that thin is beautiful. Well, anorexia is SO much more than just skin and bones; it is much, much, much more hideous and disgusting than that.
The sad thing is, even for those people who try to be “anorexic” to be “beautiful,” by a certain point in that disease, as they lose their hair and all signs of beauty, they get to the point that beauty doesn’t matter at all anymore.
It certainly was that way for me. At a certain stage, I had no interest whatsoever in “looking good.” I had no shame. I paid no attention to personal hygiene, I didn’t care if I looked like shit, I dressed in the same drabby outfit all the time. I care a bit about my hair falling, but not enough to seriously consider changing my ways.
Struggling with an eating disorder is not about fashion. If it truly was about beauty, the individual would be able to stop before they start losing all vestiges of their true beauty. If it was really about fashion, the individual wouldn’t choose frumpy baggy clothes to hide his or her emaciation. Bones aren’t meant to be a sign of beauty, or God wouldn’t have created our bodies to need and function from fat.
Because of all the social implications that the thinner you are, the prettier you are, we as a society has lost track of what true beauty is. True beauty isn’t about a finely sculpted body, or bronze smooth skin, or big eyes and full red lips. True beauty (and I’m talking about physical beauty here) radiates from health.
There is no beauty like a healthy, fit individual, whose skin glows from vibrant activity, despite perhaps having some aged wrinkles or youthful pimples. There is no beauty like a happy individual, who has a genuine, serene smile on the face that expresses a warmness and passion for life, even if the nose may be a bit crooked, or the eyes small and slanted.
In my opinion, there is no beauty like a person who is fulfilling God’s purpose for his or her life, who uses whatever she or he is given well, with gratefulness and joy. And I know for certain that an eating disordered individual attains none of the above mentioned.
You know that infamous quote by Kate Moss? “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels”?
Bull. Shit. It’s as outrageous as what my anorexic fart smelled like.
Questions to Ponder:
1) Do you think the media and society almost glamorizes anorexia and other eating disorders?
2) Any other physical aspects of eating disorders that I left out? I’m sure there’s plenty.
3) This is a rhetorical question: Pro-Ana sites should not only be abolished, but penalized with some kind of cruel and unusual punishment, yes?
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{ 51 comments… read them below or add one }
You know I just went through my closet today (who knew there was so much stuff in there!?!) and I pulled out at least 10 knit sweaters that look like an old lady should be wearing them and all I could think to myself was; “Was I really that cold all the time to need all of these?!” Yep. At least a three or four layers and pants with leggings underneath. I’ll probably never wear those sweaters again… Im not sure if the media glamorizes eating disorders, but they seem to make it “acceptable” in a way. As in; as long as you look good and act normal [in public] you’re fine. I’m with you on going to Beverly Hills and Santa Monica and all those places too..hell, I had to move back out here to East LA where there’s more diversity in shape and ethnicity to feel okay enough to try and recover. I do the same thing now with people too “Why are they skinny? Do they have a problem? Is it natural or forced lifestyle? Where are they headed?” etcetera. Other physical aspects…well, It’s not physical, but I swear my brain could not function. I don’t even know how I thought..or I didn’t. My hands and feet would get real cold and blue then real hot and red and burn and I wouldn’t be ablt to walk it was so painful; especially on days when my calories were real low or I was emotionally freaking out. Oh, I know another BIG physical one; downy/lanugo hair. I was all fuzzy. My arms especially. My mom’s friend also had anorexia and she described her self as “A fuzzy little peach running from radiator to radiator trying to stay warm.” So I was probably a kiwi. Ha..Pro-ana sites..don’t understand ‘em..feel sad for them. But what’s worse (or maybe just as bad) are websites that are speicfically about celebrity bodies. Reading the comments on those always makes me sad. I’m sure I’ll think of some other stuff once I press “submit”, hehe..
This is probably my favorite post just because the conclusion was absolutely perfect. I never thought about that definition of beauty, but you are SO right. True beauty is about good health and doing the best you can with your healthy body. I’m so glad I read this post. That piece of wisdom will stay with me forever!
I’ve actually been struggling with this since I’ve still been trying to lose weight. After a fabulous feast-ful weekend filled with old reconnections and a small baptism, I got on the scale and saw I had gained 2kg! Which basically psyched me out and made me think my arms and legs have expanded 2in within 2 days. Then I calmed down and realized I’ll just start over, no big. But your post motivated me even more to realize that I am still beautiful even if I gained back those 2kg cuz I am doing good things with my life, eating great homemade food and drinking really fabulous smoothies.
You are wonderful Sophia. Thank you.
I am so sorry that you had to struggle through this but am in awe at how many people you have probably helped.
Thank you so much for this post. In was hard for me to read, because when I started down this path, I was that guy who kick your ass. Now I’m a stick who presses my cold hands to my face for warmth in between typing these very words. To your questions…
1) Do you think the media and society almost glamorizes anorexia and other eating disorders?
I think the media and our country have an unhealthy, and money driven sense of talking about weight, obesity, “health,” and yes, ED’s. They know people will read the info because we’re all bowing to a god of food and routine, so they’re more than happy to feed our unholy desire for more information.
2) Any other physical aspects of eating disorders that I left out? I’m sure there’s plenty.
I am 22, and I cannot say with certainty that I will ever feel sexual attraction again because of both the physical and mental changes I’ve put myself through. As a Christian, it is kind of sad to think I may never be able to take the steps to find companion in life and father a son. Actually it’s not kind of sad. It’s depressing to the point where I want to cry when I really think about it.
Also, I cannot laugh. I make other people laugh and can understand humor, but I cannot feel and experience it.
3) This is a rhetorical question: Pro-Ana sites should not only be abolished, but penalized with some kind of cruel and unusual punishment, yes?
If having their owners force fed with deep fried twinkie milkshakes count, then yes.
Adam, don’t limit yourself!! I promise you, you CAN still be a father one day. I remember being in the same exact state of despair a few years ago. I could never have imagined myself being able to go to college again and do all the things I’ve wanted to do. I could never imagine laughing or feeling joy. Now, I can’t imagine NOT being able to feel joy and passion and hope and love. Dude, you’re ONLY 22. Still a long road ahead of you. Chin up!
Adam- I know exactly how you feel. It wasn’t too long ago that I felt like I was in a dead end place. There were so many times when I told myself that nothing mattered because I was going to die sooner or later anyway. Keep in mind that you will always have full support from not only people who love you, but from people like Sofia who really understand what you are going through! Even though I don’t know you- I get it 100%, youre not alone!
Sofia- Not sure if you remember me but I emailed you a couple weeks ago! This is my first comment (finally huh?). I absolutely loved this post, very relatable and informative! You are such an amazing human being, an inspiration for MANY (especially ME), and you deserve more credit than you have! When I was at my lowest weight, my memory was complete shit (sorry for the language). Seriously, I couldn’t remember anything for the life of me! But besides that I had all the same symptoms as you- which makes me believe that if you can do it, I certainly can too! (hope that didn’t come out as condescending). Thanks for the wonderful post!
Of course I remember! And haha, not condescending at all; in fact, I’m THRILLED you’ve got that faith. I’m really a very weak individual…if I can do it, you absolutely, certainly, definitely, surely can!
This is such an awesomely honest list, Sophia!
For me, the frigidness and being cold all the time was the worst. No one would understand how I could wear a sweatshirt in 90 degree weather. It was ridiculous. This is all ridiculous.
You know what tastes as good as skinny feels? Brie.
Indeed. Brie melting on top of a slice thick, sourdough bread. Actually, that tastes 10 times better than skinny.
I definitely think that the media has some hand in “glamorizing” eating disorders. I think that to say “hey! that girl’s skinny; she must have an eating disorder” is offensive and does not show how SERIOUS/REAL an eating disorder is. It is emotional, psychological, physical, and mental. It’s not simply being thin, eating a salad for lunch, or going for a run. There’s a fine line between healthy and TOO healthy, and I think we as a society (myself included!) are often too quick to point the finger. But that’s just my two cents
I totally get the COLDNESS. I am still quite cool MOST of the time, but during the E.D. i was FREEZZINGGGG!!
Another scary physical aspect is amenorrhea. When I lost my period I realized that something was really wrong with my body, and a doctor warned me that I was also putting myself at risk for cervical cancer. Thank you for making it clear how unglamorous anorexia can be. It’s easy for so many women to fall into it and the long term physical and mental issues it causes in the long term are frightening.
This was….SO difficult to read for me. Almost painful to see those pictures of you and what you had to go through. It is just so wrong. Wrong beyond description or comparison. Because we (I will speak for many) love, admire and respect you so much.
This post was brilliant. Anyone off the cuff would be moved. But for those of us who have come to “bl”-know you …. it is heart wrenching and it makes the message strike so much more powerfully.
I have had many conversations with a morbidly obese person with eating disorders. The pain, the anniilation and sadness … it is all the same. Just manifests itself visually in different ways.
Because at the end of the day, as you said, if you are suffering you are suffering and WHY does the disease rob us of our ability to see and care so much for ourselves?
Thank you Thank YOU. Praise God.
difficult for you to read because you are currently in that position. even though you cant see it in pictures, your pictures look just as unhealthy as the ones sophia posted.
Also, I must say it is the people you describe here:
“There is no beauty like a healthy, fit individual, whose skin glows from vibrant activity, despite perhaps having some aged wrinkles or youthful pimples. There is no beauty like a happy individual, who has a genuine, serene smile on the face that expresses a warmness and passion for life, even if the nose may be a bit crooked, or the eyes small and slanted. In my opinion, there is no beauty like a person who is fulfilling God’s purpose for his or her life, who uses whatever she or he is given well, with gratefulness and joy.”
Who I admire and want to be like. Not Kate Moss or whatever. What’s stopping me? I just can’t seem to get out of my own way.
But I am working on it.
I’ve always heard that most of these symptoms go away after recovery, and that the body is extremely resilient, but there may be long term consequences. You definitely don’t have to answer this, but do you feel that you still feel effects from that period of time?
I do think the media glamorizes eating disorders- anorexia most of all- it paints it out to be a ‘hot mess’ tragedy afflicting a beautiful, dainty girl who just will not pick up the fork–I feel that while it tries to make it seem like it’s sending out the message that anorexia is “bad” or “sick,” it makes it seem oh so artsy blah blah blah. Just look at all the tv shows- even with Gossip Girl how Blair has “oh that pesky bulimia habit.” Pisses me off, because eating disorders are life encompassing and yes there are a lot of gross side effects and it afflicts people of ALL SIZES. I remember hearing in treatment so many girls who were at normal weights/overweight in tears about how they couldn’t vent/talk to their friends/family about their ED’s because the responses they’d received were ignorant and bordering on “you can’t have an eating disorder unless you’re emaciated.”
Other physical aspects I had- I was OUT OF IT all the time, like it took a ridiculous amount of energy to laugh at a joke (and it was always forced), basically any physical reaction was a tedious task. My veins also became pretty disgustingly prominent.
And yes pro-ana sites should be DAMNED!
When I read this, I know I had to post. I felt so sorry, but so thankful to God when I read all these, especially when we know the covenant message. You are in my prayers for your lifetime ahead.
I think its important to note that you don’t need to have all those things in order to have an eating disorder. Sure, the DSM has a classic checklist for a bulimia/anorexia diagnosis, but many people FOR SURE have eating disorder but dont always have those things. There are girls who are overweight and yet still basically starve. There are people that starve and get super emaciated but still have their periods. Everybody will react differently. I for sure lost hair, period, fat, I got cold, etc.
Pro-ana sites are just so anorexic girls can find some sort of comfort. But they need realize that by making friends with REAL people instead of their eating disorder and people that support their eating disorder, they might actually be able to be healthy and happy! They need SOME sort of validation that what they are doing themselves is “right” and I guess thats what those sites give them.
Ok, this is making me hungry….
Wow. I can only imagine how much guts it took for you to post such pictures of yourself (and really, to share this entire side of yourself with a whole world of faceless strangers). I’ve never had any brushes with ED (or even been close to any ED sufferers for that matter) but I’m sure there are a lot of people out there who needed to hear what you just said, so THANK YOU.
It is so heartening to see how far you’ve come since those dark, dark days. You are truly an inspiration to many.
Great post, Sophia! I think this has been one of my favourites thus far. I totally agree: healthy = beautiful, and fulfilling your life’s purposes. And I love that you highlight that ED comes in many sizes. I’ve never been dangerously underweight (I have defo been underweight tho), but I have still struggled massively with ED thoughts and no-one knew because I didn’t fulfil the stereotypical image. That was one of the hardest thngs. It saddens me how many women I see on a day-to-day basis who are stuggling with EDs.
Here’s to health, beautiful Sophia!
xxx
Sophia – this is one of my favourite posts of yours. It is incredibly informative and eye opening, and also breaks my heart. I absolutely think that eating disorders are glamorized, and pro-ana sites are horrific. I have considered doing my thesis research in the area of pro-ana sites. So many people don’t even realize that they exist, and have no idea how harmful these sites can be for people.
You’re such an incredibly brave person, Sophia, to put all of this on the internet for people to see. I’ve struggled with my own eating disorder issues (though not anorexia) so while I can’t understand 100%, I can empathize. I can’t imagine the number of girls you’re helping through your blog. You’re incredibly, incredibly inspirational.
I think the media does glamorize eating disorders. We’re seeing girls younger and younger developing various eating disorders and it’s so scary.
I wish the public was more aware of the realities of eating disorders. Although I don’t know if I ever viewed eating disorders as glamorous, I was very naive to a lot of what they truly entails. My psychopathology courses in addition reading your series has really opened my eyes to all of the different issues that arise. Out of all of the psychological disorders, I think that eating disorders seem to have a special resistance to treatment given that they affect cognitive, emotion, biological, and social components. That’s a lot to deal with, and I don’t think people who read those magazines or just look at skinny people and label them see how pervasive an eating disorder can be.
Once again, kudos to you for talking about the “yucky” stuff. You rock mama!
I think it might have to do with the fact that ED’s deal with something we all deal with everyday: food. We need it to live, and in an ED, the relationship we develop with it manifests itself in an addiction of sorts. You CAN take away alcohol from an alcoholic, but even if we’re talking about anorexia (which clearly we are not always talking about) you can’t escape the fact that an someone with an ED has to eventually deal with the source of that addiction every single day. Maybe it’s the reason so many of us just find ourselves wandering around. We just want to get away, and it’s the only way we know how…
i have used this comparison SO many times to try to express to my family why i struggle so deeply to recover. i mean, step one for pretty much every addiction is to remove the source of the addiction– avoid alcohol, or drugs, or whatever– so that it is no longer a temptation. but obviously you can’t do that with food…
To be honest, I say: THANK GOD you can’t just avoid food, because food is freaking awesome. It takes a bit more conflicting battles, but it’s worth it, for sure.
The pictures are worth a million words but every word you added was incredibly well written. It was physically painful to read and yet beautiful.
I can’t see that this or any of your other ED posts would be triggering: you’re fearless in showing the sadness lying behind anorexia, a disorder which I must admit to admiring and/or lusting after due to its association with strength and beauty. But in the images of you I see nothing but tragedy and pain: I really do see what you mean about losing the ‘sparkle’ that’s so prevalent in the photos of you now.
The media does, in my opinion, present anorexia not necessarily as glamorous but as mystical, ethereal, mysterious. Where as overeaters like myself are stigmatized as simply being lazy pigs. It’s a contrast that strikes me to the bone, even though those bones aren’t visible.
Thank you for continuing in such an unflinching and honest series. If pro-ana blogs were flammable, I would incinerate the lot of them. Good thing we have people like you to rain on their parade at least a little.
xxx
Another brilliant post. As it did with many others, it really struck a chord in me… (again, heh.)
I know you put the disclaimer there for a reason, though I have to tell you that, personally, I find that the only way in which your posts in this ED series are triggering… is that they trigger me to recover. Faster. You bring so many important issues to light. The whole thing with the way EDs are presented in the media is one of them; I’m honestly sick and tired with our society’s obsession about being thin and, similarly, its almost phobic-like fear of obesity or even the concept of being a bit overweight. I would agree with others that the media seems to glamorize EDs – most of the time, at least.
Other physical side effects? You’re right, there are SO many… Others have mentioned the extra hair on the body. I HATE that. I inherited hairy arms from my dad to begin with. Being underweight has made it worse. And the coldness you mentioned is another side-effect that I can’t stand. I was sitting on the beach yesterday and had to put a fleece over my exposed knees because I’m still not fully recovered.
I’m not sure if you’ve mentioned it before, but amenorrhea – absence of periods – is worrying… You mentioned the veiny arms. I don’t know if you can consider it a “physical” aspect but insomnia is common amongst anorexics, too. Having problems with that myself…
Blah, I’ll stop rambling there.
Thanks for another great post! Obviously these aren’t “fun” to read, but I love the reminder they serve to me and all the issues they address openly. Beautiful writing style, too. Thank you!
Ah, thank you, Jenny, that really really puts my mind to rest to hear that the posts trigger in a positive way.
I’ve personally never had those extra hair that many others seemed to have experienced…all I had was hair loss. I haven’t had insomnia either, but I did wake up several times in the middle of the night because it was so painful.
I really hope you’re gaining back your health and your strength and you zest back, Jenny! One day you’ll rock that bikini at the beach, yes?
I don’t know about a trigger post. This post reminds me of all the negatives associated with an unhealthy lifestyle.
wow always deep questions, I think its good to be honest and talk like you do to hopefully get others talking, love the redesign by the way
sorry I am bad at keeping up now 8 months pregnant with toddler he he
Rebecca
Wow, what a moving post, Sophia. I know the courage it takes to put yourself out there like this on your blog…I’m you’re touching and helping so many! I absolutely think that the media and perhaps society glamorizes anorexia and other eating disorders…which is sad and scary to me. The other day my 7-year-old niece who is as thin as a rail told me she was chubby because she was able to pinch about half an inch of flesh on her little belly…it was all I could do not to cry! We had a long talk after that, lol.
Ah, I’m glad your niece has an aunt like you!! I hope she’s gained wisdom out of you.
Great post
whenever I go into schools to talk to students about eating disorders (uh, in my capacity as volunteer for a local ED charity this is, I don’t just randomly wander pass schools and shout “anorexia is bad, okaaay?”) I do my best to point out all the terribly humiliating and damaging side effects. Not that that ever scared anyone away from an eating disorder because it’s a mental illness, not a choice – but it might make someone a little more willing to seek help. The digestive effects have to be the worst in terms of degradation – as well as bloating and farting like a trooper, muscle wastage can lead to both kinds of incontinence. Nice :/
I’m not sure that the creators of pro-ana websites should be punished – the websites should be shut down, yes, but the creators are usually just scared, sick people who want others to reinforce their delusions. They need help. Hug a hoodie, and all that (obscure reference to British politics, sorry!). Mind you, most would probably see treatment as cruel and unusual punishment anyway.
One you left out was vitamin/mineral deficiency. When I was struggling, my iron was so low that I almost had to get blood transfusions (one of my worst fears). But I still continued starving and over-exercising. And I hated the cold, the hair all over my body, the dry skin, the thirst since I thought drinking water would make my stomach bigger and then I would look fat. Yeah, I was really smart.
And I do think the media glamorizes eating disorders. Celebrities get big press if they either look emaciated or look “fat” aka not a size zero. And in this culture it seems like it is better to be too skinny than too “fat.”
Finally, pro-ana sites should be banned. None of the bs about how anorexia is a choice or a lifestyle. If I could have one wish, it would be to never have had an eating disorder.
I’m reading a fantastic book right now. If you haven’t read it, you must. It’s called Gaining. I’ll be doing a preview post about it soon, then a review. Seriously, it’s a must-read.
Thank you for doing this post!
Oh my. I *knew* that it had been bad for you before, but these pictures *really* tell the story… your parents are amazing, because I found it hard to look at your pics here. I can’t even imagine what it would be like to see my child in that shape, and to feel so powerless. I give all of you virtual hugs!
Really, really hard to see pictures of you in such a state…knowing how far you’ve come is such a relief. I think If I knew you before you were at your worst, I would cry (like you’ve mentioned many of your family and friends did do) If I saw you. It’s heartwrenching.
And you are brave to post those pictures…they really do elevate the impact of this post, so I’m glad you chose to share.
THe numbers on your list that resonate the most with me are 1) the stinky farts…hehe…although for me, it was because I was eating a lot of artificial sugars and cruciferous vegetables like broccoli and cauliflower 2) being cold all the time, but that was also because I was eating so much low calorie frozen yogurt, and 3) the loss of padding in certain areas made sitting on hard surfaces, or lying in a bathtub, painful.
Yes, I do think the media glamorizes eating disorders kind of in a looky-lou sort of way. We hear about these celebrities and see them gracing the cover of a magazine one week with their “shocking weight loss” and two weeks later they are recovered. Sure isn’t my story. Wish people knew what a long, difficult process recovery can be.
I am currently at the state you were in in your pictures. In addition to the physical symptoms you mentioned my concentration is very low. My feet have become so bony that it is painful to walk or stand. I continue to force myself to walk everyday and consequently have deep callouses on the bottoms of my feet.
Like you I believe in God and I know that He has kept me alive for a reason. Thank you for being an inspiration to me.
My Dear… my heart is so sad to see these photos. Truly sad because I know how much pain they carry. I know the symptoms. I have endured them as well… I would only add a particularly bad for me: incontinence!!!!!!! As if the humiliation of looking like that isn’t enough, not holding your pee is positively demoralizing! I go back into the hospital on Wednesday and seeing this post is another huge boost in motivation. I looked like that, except in the curly, non-Asian version
I felt like that. I never want that again. For neither of us.
Love,
M
oh the media definitely glamorizes eating disorders. i don’t think i’ve ever seen celebs go through physical effects on magazines. i think if people did, they would think twice!
Awesome post, you rock!
Thank you so much for sharing your story. The pictures broke my heart, but I also suffered from a lot of those symptoms (despite the fact that I was never actually underweight— evidence that healthy is different for everyone!) My skin turned blue a lot from being cold, so weird! I definitely agree that the media glamorizes anorexia.
the painfulness to sleep, sit, lay, do anything and always being cold…that was the worst. bruising on my hips from sleeping in a soft bed and all my limbs falling asleep. i even hated sitting on the toilet because it was cold and quit showering because i would get so cold before i could get into the hot shower and burn the f*ck out of my skin. leggings under sweat pants with fleece pants to top it off, turtle necks with hoodies over it and 3 layers of socks…in the summer. geez, it was hideous. so routine. so planned but so obnoxiously routine and wired. girl, you got guts, i burned my pictures of ‘then’ when i found them and almost becoming sick that i actually looked like i did at one point- it is so surreal. the eyes, my mom & dad told me the same thing wondering ‘where did that girl go’- never phased me until i got to that remorse and ‘i wish i could take it all back’ stage of regret(which i hope you do a post on). ew, and the sweetener/salt thing on all food. guey, i actually cant stomach cottage cheese anymore for the very reason you mentioned. i use to pour a bottle of sweetener & cinnamon on a bowl of cottage cheese. every time i look at it now i see that bowl and feel sick.
the edema and pain…so true, i never felt anything. same with the walking. at the ‘time of planned walking’ nothing could stop me, no pain no plan nothing. and i felt nothing while walking. its like a session of bipolar or something. my hairloss was hideous, but actually got worse when i began recovery a few years back before it got better which made me even more pissed at the time and hateful.
and the farts….hahah so glad i can laugh about it now but it took FOREVER to build back up the enzymes and digestion you lose starving yourself. like, eating ‘should be easy’ but when you physcially blow up from trying to eat a balanced meal and it sits there for like 293486591374856134 hours, accompanied by 45 farts per minute… wow, the grass is SO greener on the other side
thank you for being honest and willingness to share about your struggles.. truly inspiring..
Yet another inspiring post, sweetie. I’m sorry to see these harrowing images, but–having met you and witnessed your triumph — they make me even prouder!
Thank you so much for sharing your powerful story. I was never as thin as you, but I did get to the point where I needed to wear sweatpants UNDER my jeans for them to fit and for me to not be freezing. I have struggled with an ED for the better part of my adult life, but always find my way and gain back again, only to spiral downward at some stressful event. This has happened to me three times before. I will gain back to a BMI of about 19, then it will fall to 17 or a little below, then someone will remind me I am sick, and then I will force myself back up again. It really sucks. I don’t want to be like this. I am eating healthy now, but, BUT it could strike again at any time. And the scary thing is, that for me anyway, stress triggers it, and it is a response to loss of control in other areas in my life, and really has nothing to do with how I look, but is more about how hard I worked about not eating. I used to equate a healthy, normal weight with slothfulness but this is just not true. I have to really remind myself every day to eat. Honestly getting pregnant was the best thing that ever happened to be because I HAD to eat. I gained over 60 lbs in pregnancy and honestly I needed some of those, lol! It is so good to see you are doing better. If you ever need to talk to someone about it just shoot me an email
I will be following your progress, you are truly an inspiration to lead a better life.
Aw, thank YOU. (hug)
And I never thought I would say this, but thank pregnancy!
hi hun,u no me hehe,been in touch nw enough to no how much u and ur posts mean to me,adn i say it every time iread an ed series post of urs…bt this one is still getting me.lump in throat stuff.this sort of thing should be posted onfacebook and friend sites to mke people listen.usay things with such reality and dnt hide away from the truths all other do wen disugssing this disgusting disease.
hun,do u evr wake up or have moment togo back,or look like that again?
jst to say dnt,ur eyes tell a different story to hw ur ed love this look of urs.and to be honest u still if i mallowed to say look evr so thin now.but you must be happier because ur smile is a very different one,and the way u talk to me is so different to the one i think i would have heard back then.
u help so many people on here,u should think bout doing something mre with this if u evr felt the wish too,ur help needs to be out there mr ei feel.uve got a way with words,support and tact that ive nt seen in such a lonog time.
keep going hun,ur future is bright,the misery from this lifetime of ed is such a sorry one i nvr wish for u to waste another second on it.what waste of such a beautiful person this time was for you,go forgth grab your future and nvr give up or go back.we didnt take a step forward first for no reason it took us a time to try and see if we could go in reverse,tke steps back so nvr evr start nw.
tke care.love having a very special person in my life.here fr u always.
if i had a blog thats mre to say if i had enoug hinteresting stuff to put in one from day to day id love to do something like this or think i could do something so inspring.
xx