**** I usually like to respond directly to your comments on the comment box, but if so I would be a broken record blubbering “thank you thank you thank you” and it would probably be rather annoying. So I want to extend a humongous THANK YOU to all of your sweet and encouraging comments. I’m saying this with all sincerity and honesty: every word truly helped me so much. As I read each of your comments, I felt like…for the lack of better description, they were vacuuming out all the anxiety and depression inside of me.
I love how…even when we may feel absolutely dejected, there are always numerous ways to gain comfort and inspiration. I just came back from church, and I felt like the message cut into my heart. God spoke to me through every word from the pastor’s mouth; and I felt the impact and miracle of God’s words even deeper today. Such a blessing.
Anyway, once again…thank you. And on the next post, I will have a little gift for the best readers in the world – that’s you. 
****
After I returned home from my brief seclusion, I still wasn’t willing to change. But I was relieved to be back, because that meant I had no choice but to stop bingeing and purging.
Let me tell you something about bingeing and purging: there are few experiences as maniacal and hedonistic as it.
It’s a mad, jagged jumble of ecstasy, anxiety and self-hatred as you stuff food after food into your mouth. You’re scared to death and at the same time craving it all. You abhor your “greed” and lack of control, yet you “reward” yourself with uninhibited indulgence. You’re feeling exhilarated by the action of the feast, yet unable to enjoy the taste and pleasure of satiety because you are stuffing yourself so frantically, gulping down the food just for the sake of sensory. You feel like you can eat and eat and still gain no satisfaction, yet your stomach is swelling painfully and the sharp pains in your abdomen feels like it’s a sack bulging with shards of pointy rocks.
I loved and loathed it at the same time. As much as I dreaded the sessions of bingeing and purging, I needed it so much and looked forward to it in a sickening, perverse way. I would half-heartedly think of “normal” meals I could have instead (at that time a “normal meal” to me was piles of steamed vegetables and a 16oz tub of cottage cheese) so that I didn’t feel like such a horrid pig, but I really couldn’t think of any other way to fill the hollowness within me.
What I was afraid of most was overeating; if I did overeat, it had to be planned and gotten rid of as soon as possible. There was no medium for me, my mind could only comprehend the extreme.
But bingeing and purging was such a risky game. Even as I was bingeing, I would be so scared that I might not be able to purge, because physically, throwing up is against biological nature (unless you ingested something poisonous). There were always times when it was really hard to puke the contents out, and I would panic and be worried that I would ingest like 20,000 calories and not be able to get rid of it. That nightmare was always a looming possibility, yet unlike a normal person who would do everything to avoid that nightmare, I was deliberating reliving that nightmare every single night.
And then there was the purge: there is some kind of “high” that goes along with that physical release. Somehow that release is tied so finely with an emotional purge too. I would feel a delirious happiness that I was able to get it out, and as my stomach loosened up and contracted and became empty once again, it was quite…an ethereal sensation. You go from feeling heavy and disgusting to light and utterly relieved, and in a way, you get addicted to that emotional roller-coaster. Sick, isn’t it? The bulimic me was very much like a heroin addict.
That’s why I felt glad when I finally stopped. Of course at first I was panicky and worried about how I would eat, what I would do without that daily binge-and-purge episodes, but surprisingly, it was an easy transition to anorexia again. That meant from an emotionally unbalanced wreck, I switched into a chilly, dispassionate solitaire.
My parents really didn’t know what to do with me. At first they tried being strict again, imposing rules and regulations on me. But my will was gone. I no longer even faked an attempt at recovery. I just didn’t care and didn’t want anything except to follow whatever ED wanted me to do. After several attempts, my parents left me alone to God’s own timetable. All their human will and power couldn’t heal me, so the only left was to entrust me to God’s hands.
For the next year and so, I was in limbo. To be honest I didn’t even really care about being “Anorexic” anymore. I just…didn’t care about anything. All the passion and life in me was sucked out and I was an empty dry shell going through all the habitual eating disordered motions. I was an emotionless, frigid robot programmed by ED with no incentive or ability to fight back and challenge the way I was programmed.
I lost a lot of things a normal human being has and does. I couldn’t laugh. I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t get angry or sad or happy or excited. I couldn’t dream or wish or love or hate.
I could, however, feel fear. I was afraid of lots of things, but even then the fear was a dull, blunt sensation that just stuck out from my regular state of vacuity. And the things I feared were truly stupid things, like running out of Greek yogurt, vegetables or almond milk, or having bad weather (because then I couldn’t go out for a walk) or people visiting or food in the fridge going bad. I may have been Anorexic, but I still ate a substantial amount; it was just that I had a very specific, limited range of food I allowed myself to eat.
I say I was in limbo also because I was neither here nor there. I was just…too comfortable with where I was. I didn’t need to struggle with anything or fight anything. I just simply did what I did yesterday and the day before that and the day before the day before that. I had no goals, no plans, no awareness of time. Everyday was basically the same, so I knew what to expect, what to do and think and say.
That may be one reason why I detested human contact. Except for my parents (even with whom I had limited physical contact), I hated people touching me. I avoided the people at church because they tended to want to hug me or put their arms around me and I just instinctively recoiled each time. I never looked at any person in the eye, and I kept my eyes on the ground when I walked on the streets so I didn’t need to make eye contact with any stranger who would surely whisper about me as they passed me.
I think I truly just wanted to disappear. If there was any desire in me left, it was just to fade away and be nobody. I wanted to be forgotten so I can just continue living the way I was living, and not have anybody question me or try to change me.
At least, that’s what I thought I wanted. But God didn’t make a human being to be alone, or He wouldn’t have to create Eve. All humans instinctively want and need love and care. And as much as I avoided human contact, I was also really wanting to be looked upon with love, not pity or scorn or frustration.
It was such an irony though, because I was convinced I deserved no empathy or love, and thus I punished myself by pushing people away. One of the things my dad always lamented to me during those days were the dullness of my eyes. “Your eyes used to be so bright and spunky,” he would tell me with deep sadness. “There was such a distinct, open attitude in your eyes, sort of thoughtful, sort of defiant, always honest. Now I look into them and just see emptiness, deceit and insecurity.”
If he had said that to me now, I would probably get pissed off, but at that time, all I can remember myself thinking was, “Yeah…okay…whatever. I guess I am empty and deceitful and insecure. Hmm…it’s almost lunchtime.” If my dad said that to push me to realize how far I’ve gone, he failed because I was too far gone to realize the truth and gravity of what that meant. Or maybe I did, and I just didn’t care.
I will now end this post here because it’s gotten depressing enough. The purpose of this post is to show the emotional level of ED sufferers, and how that strips the victims from the emotional ability to pull themselves out of the ED limbo. From my own experiences, I had rather different emotional accounts between anorexia and bulimia. I don’t know if there are clinical studies of this, but I’d be interested to know if there is one. Either way, neither disorder presents an ability to exude stable emotions. It’s like bulimia is the bipolar evil twin of anorexia, the severely depressed.
I think on my next ED post, I may touch on the physical aspect of ED. As you might guess, it ain’t a pretty picture.
Questions to Ponder:
1) If you’ve had a history of ED or are presently struggling with one (or several), what is your emotional state?
2) Acknowledge: do you think you’re in a limbo right now? Are you too comfortable with your routines and behaviors?
3) If you think you’re stuck in a limbo right now…What are you missing right now? Do you think you actually truly enjoy being stuck? What’s preventing you from making that change, Would you really sacrifice your life to avoid the temporary discomfort of change?
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{ 33 comments… read them below or add one }
Wow… so I began reading the post as I sat down to eat lunch which was not a very good idea so I stopped reading when you got to the purging part. And now after lunch, I feel I can digest [haha, no, okay] the post a bit better. This post was so emotionally real. It’s like I can feel your anguish every time you go through that manic binge-purge cycle. And then being stuck in limbo after… it’s like ED sucked out all your human essence, soul and passion and left you with just an empty shell. You’ve come so far Sophia. I admire you so much. And as always, the writing is absolutely beautiful!
I remember those days. I had lived my life so strangely (going to the grocery store was a big event…) for so long that I had to research how normal people lived. The thought of being lazy with friends, of eating at “irregular” times…such propositions posed a significant degree of novelty and terror. I couldn’t fathom relaxing (I still often find myself tensed up by default) and I certainly couldn’t come to terms with the idea of eating because I was hungry and not because the schedule said so. Rather than stepping out of the cage in which I had imprisoned myself, I tossed the key through the bars and just resigned myself to being upset when I forced myself to decline invitations to events that appealed to me.
This idea of a Limbo state brings to mind an image from Hayao Miyazaki’s “Spirted Away.” While Chihiro is riding on the train, she passes by a platform. Various shadows are gathered there, including that of a young girl. Some viewers have interpreted this to be an alternative outcome for Chihiro’s journey, one in which she is not blessed with guidance and succumbs to an inconsequential state of being in which she is denied entry to reality and relegated to the status of passive observer even among Spirits. There’s a lot of moving imagery to be found in the film, but for me, that one is by far the most tragic.
Music from the scene: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=33SJ7Q_P54Q
The song is entitled “Sixth Station” by Japanese composer Joe Hisaishi. He is the pianist.
Ah, thank you! Listening to it right now…It’s striking!
Sigh…I remember having to research what “normal” people did too! I hope one day you feel a 100% release and be free to enjoy and reap every benefit that comes with this freedom.
You too :>
Yes, I am very much stuck in limbo, and although I’ve never purged I think your definition of bulemia (or binge eating in my case) as the twin of anorexia is a sound one. My ‘limbo’ seems to be drawn out over a longer period than yours, of yearly cycles of some type of restriction and deadened emotions versus daily breakdowns and accompanying binges or serious episodes of overeating. I am far too comfortable in my routines, yet either too tired or too wired (exhausted versus hyper-anxious) to break them. Even eating a different breakfast to usual is too much right now.
Your description of the sensations experienced when bingeing actually made me feel a sense of relief, because I saw that at least I wasn’t alone in my own experience: I’ve never seen someone highlight the highs and lows so articulately before. Perhaps my purging comes through exercise rather than vomiting…certainly the sense of lightness is the same.
xxx
Yes, I understand completely the state of being too exhausted to break the routine. But that exhaustion also comes from the fact that you’ve been stuck for so long completely overworking your body and mind. I still think you’re strong enough to break it if you understand completely what this limbo state is doing to you though. I’m sure deep down you hate being stuck and having to feel and act in a way that is so taxing to you. And I guarantee you that when you start making steps to break it in a consistent manner, you’ll actually gain more and more strength to overcome that mental and physical exhaustion.
(hug)
I don’t think I’m in limbo, I know I’m in limbo. I know it because, at church yesterday, I was thinking of those same things you used to think about – of whether or not i had enough protien powder to get myself through the week, of whether or not I’d get time to try to run later in the day, etc… – and I wouldn’t allow myself to embrace the idea that today is a Holiday and a day off from work, and once more, a rare day in which my parents have come to visit me.
Yet I feel, well, nothing. And it’s not just this weekend. It’s life. I make other people laugh and smile, but I don’t do it on my own. I can’t even remember the last time I really, honestly laughed. 22 years old…I should be having the time of my life, but the addiction to food and routine I’ve developed has robbed me of hope, and taken away my sense of adventure.
That makes me sad…because even just from your writing and your emails, I can sense someone wonderful in there. It’ll take a while to get rid of those constant thoughts that wander away to your obsessive behaviors and routine, but each day is an opportunity to do something different and set a new path for yourself. Trust in God, and trust in His love for you. He is absolutely able and willing to deliver you from this.
“I make other people laugh and smile, but I don’t do it on my own. I can’t even remember the last time I really, honestly laughed.”
This (and your whole comment) hit home. Thank you for your honesty and I hope you learn to treat yourself with as much respect and honor as you do those around you. You deserve the same health and happiness–we all do.
Abby,
This made my day. Thank you
Hey girl! Although I don’t comment often, I wanted to let you know I still read all your posts. I find it beautiful how you share your stories to help and inspire others. I was in Limboland, but knew I needed to get out of there. And I’m so glad I did, because Recovery-land is so much better…
Hope you’re OK girl, I’m sorry for the things you had to deal with recently. Big hugs! xx
Thank you Julia! I miss having you around, but I really appreciate your occasional comments. It makes it so special, hee hee. xD
i do feel like i’m stuck in limbo. i am no longer exercising 2 hours 5 days a week like a maniac on a 1200 calorie diet but i do still have issues with controlling what i eat. i can eat a few butter cookies without freaking out, but only as long as i know how many calories they contain and i can just reduce my calorie intake for other meals. i definitely eat more than 1200 calories (mostly ‘healthy’ hippie food) but i still freak out and get anxious whenever i have to meet up with friends for meals. i can’t sit still or watch movies at the cinema without getting antsy because i feel like i could be walking around and doing active things instead. sometimes i exercise, sometimes i don’t. i feel like i’m just shuffling back and forth between a relapse and recovery. now it’s less of a control issue for me- i’m just unable to accept this new 4kg of meat on my bones, and fearing further weight gain if i should completely give up this shred of ED i hold on to for ‘safety’.
I’m glad you recognize that you’re in limbo…that’s always the first step, and you’ve admitted it out in solid words. You’ve also pointed out to the root of this: your discomfort with the new weight you’ve gained…and I’m guessing it’s weight that probably is good for you…and it probably has allowed you to do many more things. You’re stronger and healthier and better-looking now, so instead of missing your previous body, embrace your new one and list out all the things you can do to enjoy it! Love your body, Nicole…and it’ll serve you well. Ultimately what’s important is what your body can do for you, not how your body looks according to some society-imposed warped impression of “beauty.” Still, I’m really glad you’re no longer exercising that much on a seriously restrictive diet…your body has been under some extreme strain: treat it well, and I swear it will treat you well too!
I’m also very much stuck in limbo right now. I hate the feeling, or lack thereof that comes with the restriction but when I am constantly up and down due to the b/p, I revel in the lack of feeling(not sure if that makes any sense)! I currently find myself if a push/pull or going into a higher level of care. I want so desperately to rid myself of the restriction and bingeing and purging, but on the other hand, it is familiar and it’s what is comfortable. My body aches and I can hardly function but ED is always there. I know from the past that it’s harder for me to fight the urges than it is to just do what ED says. I know that if I don’t make the decision to stop this on my own, I WILL end up in treatment, whether I choose to or not.
I can absolutely identify with the love/hate relationship with bingeing and purging, especially while it’s intermixed with a regularly restricive routine. I abhor the compulsion to do it but I know that my body cannot sustain on what I do allow myself. Enter b/p. It happens because of the restriction – I eat anything and everything that I have forbidden, in regular context.
I also identify with the fear of touch. I do not like it when people touch me but I also crave it. You’re right on when you said it’s the connection that we so desire but that we also believe that we are undeserving.
Although the subject matter is not easy, you seem to have a very clear way of putting it on paper (err cyberspace). Thank you Sophia, for sharing your experience and making me feel a little bit less alone.
Oh yes. Bingeing and purging is really tough to break…or at least, it seems like it’ll be so hard to break because it’s so…habitual. Like everything we do in a day is tailored towards that. Somehow it becomes top priority in our lives and it dictates what we eat and do and feel and think in a day. How horrible and damning is that?
For me, I switched to one extreme to another so I never really “stopped” the vicious cycle but I think the first step to drawing away from bingeing and purging is to completely turn around your daily lifestyle. You need to strip down your routine and create a new one for yourself. Overcoming bingeing and purging requires a bit more planning and strategy. I think first of all you should stop eating any kind of food that you’re used to buying and bingeing on…you know what I mean by that. If there’s any left in your pantry or fridge, just give them away or throw them out, even if they cost you a lot of $$. That’ll make a direct statement to yourself that Yes, You really are going to CHANGE.
I think social support can really help too. A lot of bulimic activities rely heavily on secrecy, so try to open up to more people; instead of setting up ways to sabotage your recovery, set up ways to sabotage any way to stray away from recovery. Ask people to watch you, help take you out on a walk if you feel cravings, etc.
I’m obviously not some expert, but I think that can really help…I wish you all the best, Amanda. I hope you never, ever have to go to treatment…but if you do, make it your last.
My tendency is to restrict and I take comfort in that. The issue becomes after prolonged restriction, I always end up bingeing and purging. While I don’t necessarily enjoy the restriction, the bingeing and purging is harder for me to deal with. I know that in order to break the bingeing and purging, I need to stop the restriction.
There are times that I do ask for social support, but it’s rare. There are a few people that I am comfortable voicing my struggle with as it’s occurring but usually it’s after the fact. I get too tied up in my anxiety and just act.
I have been to treatment before, on many levels – IP, PHP, IOP and outpatient. I don’t really want to go back, but the comfort in the break of behaviors and being told what I need to do work for me. The issue is when I’m left to my own devices again. Since I was first inpatient, I’ve had to do some form of treatment every year and have never stopped outpatient.
This disease is draining and it just gets old. Ugh.
Thanks Sophia!
I definitely feel like I’m in a limbo of sorts right now. I don’t have a job here in Asheville, so my days consist of exercise, spending money, cooking, and Netflix. I love the vibe of Asheville, but I so miss my New England routines, family, job, etc.
Hi Sophia, I am very fortunate not to have suffered from an ED (well, in the clinical sense, I certain obsess about food and weight watchers points etc) but I have to say you are so brave, honest and inspirational and your posts are amazing!!! Sending huge hugs your way!!!!
It is so incredibly difficult to describe (most people find it hard to write about anything but you are a born writer but even so) the experience of an eating disorder and especially here you have left me in awe. Just saying…those words…those precise words just nail it in such exactitude they knocked the wind out of me. It is so powerful, words are.
I also want to thank you for each and every time you dig deep and open yourself up and allow those words to flow from your heart because each time you tear a hole in the shroud that those who have not fully recovered are drowning in. You do all this without reproach.
Wow. Thank you so much.
I now offiically am diagnosing myself as being in limbo.
I did a bit of binging and purging back in the day, and you’ve definitely described it super accurately here. Studies actually have been done to look at the personalities of anorexics and bulimics and they really are polar opposites. So it’s interesting that they can even occur in the same person.
Oh Sophia, I’m so glad you and I have both gotten through these dark times. We really are so much better and stronger for it!
I have never had an eating disorder, as you know … but I WISH that vomiting was against my biological nature, as you say it should be. I have such a sensitive stomach that I get car sick and vomit, I don’t get enough sleep and I vomit, I eat something that doesn’t agree with me (but is not poison) and I vomit. It is not fun. It seems as though my biological nature is to vomit, and it is never by choice. Blah!
I don’t think I’m in limbo so much as of the last 3 weeks. It’s difficult to say actually; I’ve been going to work anywhere up to 10 hours a day. I don’t think about anything else until I’m off of work, about my own life or needs, etc. Only on the weekends though, when I have time to myself, I feel compelled to do my normal routines of food and exercise all day long. So in a way I feel like work during the week is just a crutch; and if I were to ever not be working then I would just go straight back to my “normal” routine. So..I’m in limbo when I am able to live my life as I want to? If I were to lose my job right now..I would definitely go back to my routine. Of course I then think; wouldn’t anyone who has nothing else to do all day and doesn’t want to think about their lack of employment, schooling, etc…? Probably..but they wouldn’t exercise 8 hours a day huh?
I love these posts. I hope you had a good 4th!
Hi Sophia, I’ve been reading your blog for quite a while now.
Your posts are really interesting to read.
I have suffered from an ED. It wasn’t all that serious as yours was, and only lasted for two months.
But I did however, constantly count calories and worked out as much as I could. I started from consuming 1,000 calories to about 700 because I thought 1,000 was too much and that I would gain weight from that.
At first, it was healthy weight loss as I wanted to get fit and in shape but it all spiralled downhill when I got way too self conscious about my body.
After reading a few blogs, started to feel weaker, I got white like a ghost and had many dizzy spells I finally gave in to a new plan. A plan to get out of it because I could see in my mom’s eyes that it was hurting her and I was hurting myself physically and mentally.
A while after my plan, I stopped counting calories, only consumed foods that were healthy and beneficial to my body. Meaning getting a good daily intake of grains, vegetables and fruits. I realized that if I kept the normal portion sizes and kept working out like an average person four times a week, I would maintain a healthy weight and wouldn’t gain any at all.
I do have a lot more confidence now, but sometimes I kind of get that fear back once in a while. But I always remind myself that no matter what, I’ll be a strong and healthy person. Also that if I keep it up, I’ll stay this way forever.
I hope you’re doing well Sophia,
Amy xx
I think I’ve mentioned before, that I’m struggling right now between healthy and unhealthy behaviors. It’s hard to watch the numbers on the scale go up, even when they’re supposed to, without having past battles arise.
Interesting post Sophia, having just gone thru the worst case of food poisoning I have endured, lots of puking it sort of resonated with me. The relief part anyway and the no interest in anything especially food. Totally non related to ED but enough to make me thank Dog that I have never expeienced ED.
Thank you for sharing such a painful story Sophia. ED does indeed have a way to isolate us… because it’s a selfish and greedy monster that wants us all for its own.
I’m glad you sneaked out.
ED certainly has a way to make us NUMB as far as emotions go. I know that for the ~1 year I was in the depths of mine, I BARELY remember relationships, special moments..anything. So sad!!
I didn’t know that you suffered both bulemia and anorexia. My goodness that’s just too much for one person to bear!
I’ve never had either of these diseases, but I know that I’ve gone through phases of undereating yet not to the point of anorexia, and overexercising, yet not in response to eating too much. I’m still trying to find a way to be ‘intuitive’ about my eating without counting (not restricting, just counting) calories and I THINK it’s going OK. I’m not as slim as I’d like to be, but I can handle it for the normality I’m experiencing.
Thank you for letting us into your mind and heart. It’s very eye-opening.
Limbo appeared at two separate times in my life; the first time I struggled with depression, and the second time I wrestled with an eating disorder. Though I’m past it now, I still live with the fear that I will wake up and somehow find myself there again.
It is a terrible way to live because, well, it’s a state of oblivion! It’s not living! No emotion, no spirit: just an overwhelming desire to fade away and simply not be. You described it so well. I choose to look back on those lulls as a blessing, for they gave me a new appreciation for life and all the challenges that come with it, challenges that help me grow. An example is how you handled your rough day at the L.A. Times. Sure, you got upset, but ultimately you sought out the good in the situation and thanked God for the learning experience. You brushed yourself off and moved on. That is recovery. That is life. I wouldn’t want it any other way.
Thank you for continuing to share your story with us!
I am pulling out of limbo now- I hope. I can now eat in front of other people- the amount I want and the foods I want, most of the time. That was a huge struggle. I can look people in the eye, most of the time. I can feel full and want to puke so bad that I gag thinking about it, but I don’t, most of the time. I still can’t stand to be touched by strangers, most family members, and some friends. I still can’t eat a “bad” food or skip exercise without guilt. I still have terribly disturbing intrusive thoughts and rituals about food. But I am eating and keeping it down.
The last time I ate dinner with my best friend she told me it was the first time she had seen me eat in years.
I didn’t think anyone had even noticed.
ED is lonely, recovery is lonely, life is lonely. Being skinny doesn’t change this. Some days will be bad and I will want the excuse to b/p but in the end, fully or empty, my belly is not the problem.