**** This will be a quick in-and-out post as I have to rush out and meet friends for coffee and pastries. Sorry, I need my break time because I worked overtime yesterday to cover a documentary screening called “Somewhere Between,” which you all should watch!! It’s an intimate, tear-wrenching film that follows the journey of four young Chinese-American women who were adopted from China. I cried several times during the film, and it got a huge applause at the end. I’ll include the link to my blog post on it when it gets posted on the LA Times website.
[edited to add]: post is up!
Oh, and if you’re an Angeleno, please go watch the musical “Twist” at Pasadena Playhouse!! And yes, I’m pimping my own article!****
I never really got the chance to talk about exercise throughout my Weekend ED series. I meant to give it a separate post, because exercise and food are both key issues when it comes to eating disorders.
I think even before my eating issues developed, I probably had some exercise issues. Let me first lay it out that I used to be a lazy ass. I would groan and bitch when my parents dragged me out for a hike, and I would be complaining to and back from the hike and would only shut up when we went out for dinner afterwards.
But there came a time when I felt like I needed to exercise, because I guess my more matured brain started understanding the “no pain, no gain” mantra. I realized that I really loved the rush of euphoria after a run, even if it was just a mile forced upon me during middle school P.E. I was also gaining a bit of weight since I moved to America from Singapore, because I was eating two cafeteria lunches per day, only to come back home and eat two super-large McDonald’s french fries with a bucket-worth of HFCS-loaded ketchup.
So one day, I decided I would like exercise. No, not like. I would love exercise. And when I put my mind to do something, I do it. But maybe with a bit too much zeal.
That’s what happened to me and exercise. It started with about a 15-minute run a day, just running to my nearby park, doing a few stretches, then running back. Quick, short, easy, and I still got that endorphin high.
And then I started reading Runners World magazine and getting bored with my short workout routine, and I started to run more and more. 15 minutes turned into 30 minutes and then to 45 minutes and then to an hour. I didn’t give myself rest; I was running seven days a week. And on the day that the weather failed me and I couldn’t run, the whole day was ruined for me. I would pace around the house, anxious and feeling like a lazy bum and almost imagining my muscles deteriorating or fat bobbling into unctuous forms around my stomach.
Soon my daily goal seemed to be to run a bit more, run a bit faster. To outdo the previous day’s exercise. And one day, exercise just wasn’t a pleasurable lifestyle activity, so much as a religious mission to attain out of a feverous desperation for salvation.
Sure, biologically I still got that endorphin high at the end of my workouts. But that was quickly erased by the dread of the next day’s workout. It was an endless, meaningless crusade. I was gradually sinking into despair that this unceasing battle to outdo myself will never end. I woke up each morning knowing I had to climb out of my warm bed and slip into running shoes, and I would dread it so much. But my fear of “losing motivation” was bigger than my dread, so I kept pushing myself and devising ways to force myself to workout each day.
I took up track & field and cross country in high school, not because I was interested in track (I HATED it! I skipped out on all the races!) but because I needed some sort of security that I would definitely be running that day. Track was how I managed to force myself to run each day, even as I could feel my strength failing me and my running abilities start to wither.
I never got to enjoy track at all though, because my concern was mileage, while my coach’s priority was in making us faster. That meant after a pacing day, I would make myself run a few more miles so that I could appease my obsession with hitting a certain number of miles per day. I even recorded all the mileage in a notebook, feeling a temporary twinge of satisfaction as I tallied up my weekly mileage.
In addition to track, I also went to Tae Kwon Do practice three times a week. Same thing with running, I started losing interest in Tae Kwon Do. I no longer enjoyed the art of the forms; I was just obsessed with burning as much energy as I could in practice.
My eating issues struck when I overworked myself and got horrible muscle soreness for a few months. Of course my muscles puttered out–I was never allowing my body to rest! And despite the marathon culture that the blog world seems to be championing, I don’t believe the human body is made to work out more than an hour a day. Marathons are fine when you’re training for it once in a while, but not if you’re driving your body beyond its limits day by day for months and years.
The muscle soreness was the worst injury I had ever gotten in my life. I could barely walk properly. The spasms of pain on my thighs caused me to hobble like a crippled person, and that’s how I walked for about three months after that. Obviously, I could no longer run.
As much as I was devastated, I was also freaking relieved. My body now provided me a clear excuse not to work myself so hard anymore. But at the same time, I couldn’t deal with the guilt and anxiety of being sedentary.
During my intense workout days, the highlight of my day, my reward for basically killing my body, was food. I ate a freaking lot during those days. Think 6 bagels for dinner, 3 giant sweet potatoes for breakfast, 1/2 a loaf of Great Harvest bread in a sitting. My snack was a full French baguette from Whole Foods. The only reason I managed to stick out with my crazy workout routine for that long was because I let myself eat whatever I wanted afterwards. It was a really sick twist on the “no pain, no gain” mantra.
But now that I was immobilized, I could practically feel the “fat” start saddling underneath my skin. Of course it wasn’t true. If I had just relaxed, my weight would still have averaged out just fine because I no longer needed to eat that much.
Ah-ha. But that was the problem. I could no longer keep up with my gigantic daily intake, and that upset me. I had gotten so addicted to the self-punishment and the self-indulgence that followed afterward.
Of course, my eating disorder didn’t just happen because of this injury. There were many other factors; I think you can already tell that I’m a perfectionist. Rivalry with my cousin also played a contributing role, as did a number of other things. But my exercise obsessions definitely was one of the key factors.
And it obviously never went away as I sunk deeper and deeper into my eating disorder. It was always in my top priority of daily tasks to do. The moment I open my eyes in the morning, I was planning my workout of the day. I would happily decline a social invitation just so I can fill in my day’s exercise requirement. I would rather miss classes in school if I happened to wake up late and missed my morning workout. I would rather lie to my family and friends. The need to exercise was that ridiculously important to me.
After my first hospitalization and I was in “recovery,” I fought with my parents a lot about my exercise needs. At first I would sneak out 4 a.m in the morning to workout without my parents knowing. One time my mother discovered it and she was so mad that she locked me out for an hour. And then later my parents gave in and said I could go on a daily walk with them, but it was only for about 30 minutes and I was not to do it alone. I obeyed the rule for a couple months and then broke it.
The strange thing about exercise is that the more I did it, the more I wanted to increase the exercise length. It was like a drug to me; I was just never satisfied. I still used exercise as a measure of how much I “allowed” myself to eat that day. One of the reason I relapsed was because I started increasing my exercise more and more, and the twisted relationship between exercise and food just got more and more disordered.
Which leads me back to where I was on my last post. This was about four years into my exercise addiction, and four years from now (as in, June 19, 2011).
I was no longer willing to compromise with my parents. And they realized too that they could not force me to follow their rules. I may be sick, but I was still a grown adult and they couldn’t just spank me and expect me to cower in fear like a child anymore.
For a few months since I moved back home, we were in a very awkward stage. I still went out every morning to exercise, and my parents deliberated whether they should stop me or not. Occasionally they would try to tell me to stop, but that sent me into a crazy rage. Even more so then telling me what to eat, I was terrified to death that they will take my activity privileges away. That was death to me. If I couldn’t workout, I would die. I really believed I would. That was how powerful the exercise addiction was for me.
Exercise addiction was one of the last things I let go in recovery. Even while I was overcoming a lot of food fears, I still had trouble letting go of that. It took a long time for me to let go of the frantic need to compensate caloric intake with exercise outtake. It was a very slow progression to recognize that rest is just as beneficial to my body, and that one day without working out is not the end of the world.
But to be completely honest,even now, sometimes I do feel anxious if I’m too sedentary. I do get antsy at times when I’m forced to skip my morning runs (which is just a 20 minutes jog).
Still, I’m surprised at myself. As a student and as a writer, I sit on my desk for more than 12 hours a day, and I’ve survived. During vacations, I can sit for hours in the car without freaking out, and still eat a decent meal. I’ve skipped workouts numerous times just because I feel the need to sleep in, or I’d rather meet a friend. I’m learning to shift things to its correct priority level.
And it feels awesome. Ah, how productive you can be without exercising yourself to death! I love that I can sit and write for hours again, or cuddle into bed with a good book. Much more rewarding than huffing and puffing up a hill.
Questions to Ponder:
1) What are your experiences with exercise? What kind of relationship do you have with it? (Psst. 2 hours a day of gym is NOT a good relationship unless you’re a professional trainer.)
2) What does a healthy relationship with exercise mean to you?
3) If you’re currently struggling with an exercise addiction…why do you think it’s so hard to stop for you? Is it the fear of gaining weight? The fear of being “unproductive?” Or something else?
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{ 46 comments… read them below or add one }
Wow…how interesting your “unhealthy” relationship with exercise came before the ED.
Interesting and, of course, sad.
You have done an incredible job chronicling the disordered thinking and momentum that gathers when one starts to get hooked on exercise. I know many readers who do not have ED will possibly relate to this. It will help them see the red flags looming in their future.
Kudos for that.
Right now? I am good with exercise. Yet, I still have to “call myself out” on thoughts in my brain urging me …”must do at least this amount or more each day…” At least I am finally able to reckon with the thoughts.
Plus? Exercise feels SOOOOO much better at a healthy weight. It’s like playing.
Endorphins work wonders but you don’t get them when you are not healthy about exercise.
I’ll be honest, while I have a good relationship with exercise and TRULY enjoy it, I believe that I can definitely easily workout TOO much, which I have to keep myself in check. Throughout my eating disorder the focus was on RUNNING, RUNNING, RUNNING for x amount of time per day. If I didn’t I was “fat, unhealthy, and gonna gain a bazillion pounds.” Oh. how sad..
A healthy relationship with exercise means that i LOVE what I do at the gym (or wherever) but I will not sacrifice a relationship with someone to workout. It also means that I take REST and don’t freak over a “missed workout.”
I’m glad you’re progressing to a better relationship with exercise, Jess.
You’ve really struck a chord Sophia. Reading this post I can only hope that I will recover much more completely in both aspects of ED: the food part, but also the exercise. Like you, I’ve made SIGNIFICANT progress, but there’s still always that “limit”, that point at which too much is just too much. I start a full-time desk job in 2 weeks exactly, and I’m scared to death that I just won’t be able to take it. I can only ask for the Lord to take me through because His grace is sufficient.
Thanks for sharing. It’s nice to know that I’m not alone.
Of COURSE you can take it! You’re not even there yet. Trust me, it’ll be surprisingly easy. It’s just the fear of the unknown…but once you’re there, you’ll realize that it’s no big deal at all. Just remember your prayers each morning!
Exercising was also the hardest part for me to let go of. I still relapse, normally when I have too much time on my hands, but it is way better. And I can totally relate to exercising in secret. I used to go for a run everyday after school but I would tell my parents I was going to the library. And I would secretly do crunches for an hour before bed so that I could justify having a (small) bowl of ice cream. I hated it. It made exercise not fun anymore and just a punishment. But, to end on a happy note, I am getting there and now am truly in love with specific exercises like bike riding!
Thanks for sharing your story, it has really helped me over the past few months.
Exercise is such a difficult issue with those with easting disorders. Heck, it is a difficult one just in society, period.
I was a gymnast for years before I ever had an ED. Once I retired from gymnastics, soon after I needed something else to take up all its time. I’m not exactly sure which came first my decision to actually run (I used to hate running) or the ED crept in. Either way, that started the ritualized exercising of more and longer distance runs. In high school, I did track and field. I didn’t love it but didn’t hate it either. It was interesting, my senior year, I ran hurdles. I was obsessed with practicing hurdles over and over even if I kept hitting my shins on the hurdle. What was amazing was that this was looked at as dedication (I even got an award!) and perseverance, not obsessive/disordered. I also remember how exercise became so important that it did not matter how injured I was. There were times I could not run, so I ran up and down the stairs, causing my poor mother to think I was manic (probably was from starvation)
My relationship throughout the years has been off and on obsessive/compulsive. I think these days, it is a lot better than it used to be–I take days off, I vary my running amounts/times and types of exercise. I’m still slightly focused on what I eat dependent on exercise, but it is not as drastic of a difference as it used to be. Still, even though exercise is seen in a more positive light, I do have to be vigilant that it doesn’t get to a point of addictiveness or all I am thinking about. I think I run into this the most when I am bored, when I’m depressed, when I feel like I have no goals. The exercise then becomes much more a feeling of my sole accomplishment.
Anyway, I could go on and on about this as it is sch a hot topic This is a good post. A lot of people can/will relate. I’m really glad that you’ve come a long way from your once exercise obsessed state. It is hard to break out of, and often one of the last for a lot of us.
Weirdly enough, exercise was one of the first parts of my ED I was able to give up in recovery, and yet it was also one of the first behaviours that contributed to me getting sick. This is the biggest gift that inpatient treatment gave me, it forced me to spend 6 months being completely sedentary, and made me realise that the world didn’t end if I stopped exercising.
After I left, although I still had issues with food/weight, I never returned to the gym, nor to swimming/cycling/running (although I wouldn’t mind doing a little of the first two again some day…) and my main exercise now is any walking I do. I prefer to ‘spend’ my energy on things that are more meaningful to me, like art.
Ooh yes and I’m in complete agreement with you about the human body not being built to do massive amounts of exercise/endless marathons, or at least mine isn’t anyway. I think there are is too much unhealthy exercise addiction in this world, and not enough respect for the body’s needs and wellbeing.
Sarah x
Such a heartfelt post that will help many others. Keep up the good work.
Exercise is THE hardest thing for me to let go of right now. If it’s not for the rush of endorphins then it is because I know I will have to eat (a lot) and I need an outlet for all those calories. It is STILL an eating disorder thing. I remeber some times getting up at midnight to do some step aerobics on a puny stool. I still have a horrible addiction to exercise, walking around aimlessly at school or moving my body as much as i can. This post really opened my eyes to how dangerous it can get. I got shin splints from running too much, yet still joined the x country team. I only hope that this will go away with time.
Thanks for writing this post, Sophia. It really hit home for me.
It wasn’t after ED that I became interested in excercise.
Before my ED: Total lazy bum. My parents had to force me just so I move 2 inches, because I was addicted to the computer and online games (Geez, I was playing Pokemon online…can you say nerdy?). I think, at some point, I got ashamed of my look and body (too chubby, acne, oily skin, typical teenager stuffs), so I would only go outside for school and dreaded leaving the house.
During my ED: Didn’t like exercise more. I was really a ”restrictiving food” person. I didn’t really care about the exercice. At first, it started out with a 45min jog/walk at 5:30am before school, but when we move out and I wasn’t familiar with the neighbourhood, I just stopped. Surprisingly, it didn’t matter much. I never thought it was the end of the world, like most people with ED. Even during recovery, I was never tempted to exercise. I was WAY too tired.
After my ED: After a mandatory cross-crountry thing at my school, I really liked the endorphin rush. It was like ”Wow, what’s that feeling?? Awesome!”. So I gave exercise a try, beginning slowly, and gradually upped. There’s something rewarding about how much I improved fitness wise, but there was time where I would feel guilty BECAUSE I was exercising, since I had an ED and, to me, it was like ”oh, am I relapsing because I’m exercising??”, even if my exercise is pretty average (or below). I still don’t feel guilty if I miss a day though, so I guess I don’t have an obsessive relationship.
Unsurprisingly many aspects of this post resonated with me. I apologise if my comment is somewhat incoherent: my feelings on this subject are very muddled, but also highly raw and intense:
‘During my intense workout days, the highlight of my day, my reward for basically killing my body, was food. I ate a freaking lot during those days. Think 6 bagels for dinner, 3 giant sweet potatoes for breakfast, 1/2 a loaf of Great Harvest bread in a sitting. My snack was a full French baguette from Whole Foods. The only reason I managed to stick out with my crazy workout routine for that long was because I let myself eat whatever I wanted afterwards. It was a really sick twist on the “no pain, no gain” mantra.’
This is obviously a pattern of behaviour I follow still, but I’m not sure that the overindulgence is the ONLY reason I work out the way I do, even though at points I end up harming myself with it. I need the endorphin rush (which during times of injury I replace with the temporary and damaging highs of binge eating) but I also need the sense of accomplishment. I like the sense of proving that I am not weak, because when I was younger I was a wuss that couldn’t take any element of pain. I was chubby, lazy and indolent. I hate my younger self and exercise helps to distance me from that. However, it also provides me with social contact: I am ‘myself’ at the gym, and able to function more effectively when I’ve battered my anxiety into submission by testing myself physically. I also live to race, and have such a competitive streak that running in particular helps to give me some sense of self-esteem boost, some tiny achievement that I can look forward to in my life where I fail at everything else. Additionally, running and working out is generally something with a level of certainty attached, where you get out of it what you put in. If you run a race, no smug supervisor can come along with a red pen and make you re-run a certain mile over and over again until it’s up to his/her standard. Your time is your time, there’s no sense of subjectivity. Being stuck in the academic world for so long often makes me want to scream: I prefer being a physical being and not having to think, to be alone with my mind. No, I can’t read or sit any more, though I can paint because it’s creative. Even then though, it seems like a waste of time because the end result doesn’t do anything except sit in a cupboard along with 100 other paintings.
But now that I was immobilized, I could practically feel the “fat” start saddling underneath my skin. Of course it wasn’t true. If I had just relaxed, my weight would still have averaged out just fine because I no longer needed to eat that much.
Ah-ha. But that was the problem. I could no longer keep up with my gigantic daily intake, and that upset me. I had gotten so addicted to the self-punishment and the self-indulgence that followed afterward.
This last sentence sent shivers down my spine: no, exercise is not solely a reason to stuff my face but that is a large element of it. The trouble is my weight doesn’t even out because emotionally I’m a wreck and carry on eating that much no matter what I do: if anything, without exercise I eat even more because I’m bored, sad, anxious, depressed, feeling lazy and worthless…plus, I don’t have a naturally very slim frame and set point as you do. Fine, I know my smoothies etc. are probably worse than six bagels but I think I’d be able to have a better relationship with exercise if my weight wasn’t so uncontrollable. That said, even if I naturally weighed 100lbs I’d still want to run marathons, because I enjoy the mental challenge and sense of personal achievement. And we’ll have to agree to disagree on the 1hr a day thing: I think everyone has a different set point and there truly are some people out there such as Skinny Runner that can just knock out marathons every week. The problem is when everyone else thinks that they have to do the same. What my set-point is I don’t know, but I genuinely do wish I could get out of this cycle of exercising and stuffing my face, because even with a 6hr workout day I still don’t ‘get away’ with the amount I eat and just keep expanding.
Truly, I wish I could be more like you. Thanks for sharing this.
xxx
Forgot too add:
Do you sometimes feel guilty because you do ”ED-ish stuffs”, even when it’s not at all related? Like having Diet Pepsi, black coffee, vegetables, baked chips instead of fried, whole wheat instead of white…? There was a time when I was blogging, I felt that I NEEDED to eat ice cream and white carbs, just because eating healthy = giving into ED.
Sorry I went off-topic, but I want to say that your posts are really ”mindcasting”! They get people to think
You’re awesome!
Yeah, I definitely did feel that guilt for some time during my recovery. I’m kind of over it now, though I still consciously avoid adoring salads in restaurants.
But come on, of course you can have vegetables and whole wheat! So long as it’s not out of fear and that’s not the only thing you eat, I think it’s HEALTHY to eat good food.
Similar to me, it sounds like you were anorexic, then sort of switched to being belimic (using exercise as your way of purging). When I was in college I never let a day go by without exercising. I figured if I was going to drink alcohol, I HAD to workout, everyday, for at least an hour or two. IT was crazy. I never cancelled a workout session, and I refused to workout with my roommates because they didn’t take workouts seriously. I’m so glad my relationship with exercise is better now. If I skip a day, I don’t care!! It’s nice
Sophia, this is really an excellent post. You identified all the major trends, and it really resonated with me. I’m still trying to come back into a normal relationship with food, but the more I exercise, the more I find my mind craving the “forbidden” foods. Eating a boatload of stuff like you talked about, many of it pure junk. Oftentimes, this only increases my anxiety about food and exercise, to the point where the line blurs, and you just need to do “more.” To top it all off, exercise becomes an addiction – a way, in all honesty, to push yourself to the brink of exhaustion that makes you’re mind shut off, and releases those chemical substances that make you feel good about yourself. Lets face it – we are addicts trying to get our fix. We are Pavlov’s dog, and we are pathetic and weak.
Interestingly enough, I think many of us “start” from a period where we don’t exercise much at all, at least not in the traditional way. There was a time when running a mile straight seemed impossible for me, yet just last week, I ran a half marathon on a whim. Is that sick? I think it is, yet even after running a half marathon, I couldn’t find the mental will to eat more than 2800 calories in a single day. Where is the logic in that? There is none, and that’s what an exercise disorder does to you. It tricks you into thinking about “always” and “never” based on arbitrary rules you set up for yourself. It also makes you think you’re entitled to certain things, among them, a fantastic and orgasmic eating experience on your heavy days. The logic is “I worked hard today” = “these calories better be worth it.” Obviously they never are, yet I (we) trick ourselves into thinking that way.
I think this issue resonates with everyone dealing with an ED, but especially for men. I don’t want to push blame away from the individual, but society is always reinforcing images of how to improve our fitness “goals,” as if everyone in America is starting from point zero (aka, sedentary). The idea of cutting back, of making other areas of your life more important, and of not allowing exercise to become your master, seems alien to America, and the images we see everyday in media and the internet.
Personally, I need help, and I want to ask you and the readers what the best way to break the addiction is. I want to prove to myself, and to God, that I am a complete person even without daily running in my life. I have been thinking about trying to take a week off, but have never been able to in the past. In your experiences, what’s the best way to wean yourself from the addiction? Does it also take a stepping back and identifying “trigger” foods that we feel entitled to?
How did you get yourself to be able to eat fast food? There is no magical solution; you just kind of did it.
After years of struggling, I’m realizing there is no way to “wean” yourself off an addiction. Addiction will always have its hold over you if you try to gradually shift away. There can be no such thing. You need to cut it off, the way you need to eliminate all cancer cells. You don’t slowly try to kill cancer cells; you need to act fast because they are poison the more they remain in you.
I like the idea of taking a week off. Take it off completely. After a day or two, you’ll feel better. It’ll get easier. And because food is so intricately tied into this, please make sure you don’t try to compensate, or everything will remain the same.
Really glad you addressed this. Exercise addiction has definitely been the most challenging issue to overcome in my recovery. Each time I’ve gone through I recovery-relapse cycle over the past 12 years or so, each successive iteration of my ED has been heavier on the exercise and a little better with the food, to the point that now I’m eating what would be approximately “normal” for someone my age/height….but still exercising myself into the ground. I’m a big fan (can you use fan here? I hate the issue but think there is a lot of validity to this set of theories, how’s that?) of the endorphin addiction approach to overexercise etiology. There is a book called “Endorphins, Eating Disorders, and Other Addictive Behaviors” by Hans Huebner that *really* hit home with me; I basically felt like he was talking about my life. Some people are just more genetically predisposed to get a high off of exercise and become hooked, just like some people are more predisposed to become compulsive gamblers.
It doesn’t help that exercise and fitness are constantly pressed on us by the media. There’s the “more is better, push yourself to the max” mentality all around us, which just exacerbates guilt one feels when trying to cut back on the workouts.
Excellent and insightful post, as usual!
Hey, high 5!
I used to be completely obsessed with exercising – running, especially, since I didn’t know what other alternative ways to burn calories.
My exercise schedule interrupted and twisted my emotion directly and thoroughly. I’d lash out my anger on anyone if I ever miss a workout in the day. I’d yell, whine, grunt, scowl, sulk, anything to show that I was displease. Whenever the rain pours, I’d get so frustrated as though an ant on hot bricks that my exasperation filled the whole house with an overly tensed atmosphere.
I remember my brother asking me, “What’s the purpose behind all your exercises?” I answered without hesitating, “For health, of course.” I believed I was healthy back then. Foolish, foolish me. Then he continued, “By making your life so rigid and forcing everything to be ‘on the dot’, by going furious over missing out a workout, by pushing yourself so hard when your body’s yearning for rest, do you have any idea how many good cells you killed? Do you still consider yourself healthy?!” He was almost screaming, but me being stubborn as a cow, snapped at him. “So what’s your point?”
He inhaled, exhaled then declared, “I’m just saying that, it’s time you stop and wonder if your journey to achieving health and happiness, is really the right path or the complete opposite.”
I was startled. My brother was true, I started making changes, though subtle but step by step, I slowly learn to let go and relax.
I still exercise now, but I do what I enjoy best. I’d been playing basketball since 10, and I’m lovin’ it even more; I’ve surprisingly fallen in love with swimming, despite feeling like drowning each time in the pool; I’m still playing badminton with my family every weekend if otherwise, and improving my skills; and I’ve gotten a bit hooked up with table tennis, however awful I may be. All except for running, I decided to put away my running shoes for the time being.
I just want to say exercise is important for health, but never, never, ever sacrifice it for happiness. Happiness is health, after all, they link together.
Your brother is wise! He clearly cares for you a lot too. I’m so glad to read that you’ve put your health and happiness as top priority!
I wonder if I’m unusual in that I’ve never felt the need to “work out”. When I exercise, I go for long walks. I also do yoga but only the gentle stretching kind…my eating disorder was always been about calories in more than anything. Honestly though, I think it’s pure laziness more than anything.
Looking back I’ve definitely had an unhealthy workout regimen in the past spending close to 3 hours at the gym.. who does that? I now know how not normal this is. I feel like I have a healthy relationship with exercise. I am training for a marathon and take days off when I need to. I can always tell a difference in how my body feels when I work it too hard.
Wow … this post was so eye-opening. I have learned about exercise addiction while learning about disordered eating in classes, but, as with disordered eating, there’s no way to really understand how it develops or how it feels through lecture alone. So, thank you for this honest post, Sophia. When I think back on my own recent life, I’ve never seen instances of a disordered relationship with food – but, I have seen hints of exercise addiction, similar what you said about the stress and day-ruining that happens when you miss exercise and the black-and-white visualization of gaining weight without “working it off”. One of the reasons I stopped writing about exercise regimens on my blog was that I didn’t want to focus too much on exercise. It feels good to have a healthy relationship with exercise, where I exercise for health and not for weight reasons, and where missing exercise is not a failing and will not cause me to instantly gain weight.
Thanks for this great series, Sophia!
I wrote about a similar topic a few weeks ago because I think it’s very relevant to a lot of men and women these days. I feel so fortunate to have always had a good relationship with exercise. There have been times in my life where I’ve been more motivated to move than others, but I never connected that movement to any feelings of guilt or compulsion. A year ago I was completely sedentary for health reasons and I realized how much exercise did not fill any sort of hole in my life. I’m happiest when I’m doing a bit of walking and yoga here and there, but I don’t need much more than that. I think it depends on the person. I’m also in a bit of a unique circumstance that keeps me from moving a whole lot anyways, so I guess it’s good that it doesn’t bother me.
I think if I’ve ever felt badly about the way I view exercise, it was after I started reading some healthy living blogs. A lot of these women credit their happiness and health to exercise, and here I was thinking I was happy and healthy without it. Thankfully I quickly realized that we are just different, and everyone finds their joy through different avenues.
Sophia,
I can’t thank you enough for your openness here. Exercise addiction has been a HUGE part of my ED since the onset. Much of your story is a big ditto for me. I was diagnosed with severe overtraining syndrome a few years ago and that means I have overexercised myself into oblivion over the last 6 years and my body is in a constant state of overtrain or just on the verge. I could be “fine” doing hard cardio intervals for days on end, but then a simple walk around the block could floor me. The experiences of CONSTANT muscle soreness are awful and debilitating, as you described. But sickeningly, I often don’t stop. The worst part is, I’m so physically addicted to endorphines that a day without them, “resting”, is actually physically painful at times, because I don’t have that “drug” of natural painkillers.
The transactional issue you described is a biggie. Calories in, calories out. If I don’t wake up and get to my exercise, I’m terrified that I won’t let myself eat. For years, i’ve exercised and than told myself that I can and should eat MORE than what I do, but I often restrict even more. I keep telling myself I’m “saving up” or “exercising more today so I can rest tomorrow.” But not once have I eaten more or rested tomorrow.
Yes there is a fear of weight but also as you asked, the emotional struggle behind being “unproductive.” I can’t stand feeling lazy, and that is what I feel if I don’t push myself.
I’m a ton better about all of this than I was a year or two ago. The issues inside me are raging but although I still act on them, it is less than, say, a few years ago. So I’m thankful for that but still have really massive attachments, both physically and emotionally to the exercise-transaction issues.
This is such an important part of ED to talk about, and I thank you for doing it Sophia, and for allowing me to ramble on here with my “story.” It helped me to think mindfully about these things today.
This is so fascinating and so enlightening to me, Sophia. Thank you for sharing your story.
I have definitely dabbled in over-exercising. 1-2 hrs at the gym used to be par for the course. I’ve been known to walk to the gym, do a full workout and walk back. (5 miles RT). It’s something I’m very aware of. Even as much as a couple of months ago I was doing a lot of exercise and feeling crappy if one rest day became two and god forbid three.
In the last month or two, I’ve decided to try to limit my workouts to about an hour or about 300-400 calories, rather than the 500-800+ as before (underestimating as well). I’ve done this in part to see if my appetite would be less ravenous with less cardio (and it has). I’m not sure where I will end up, as I have gained a few pounds and I don’t like it. But I also don’t want to commit to as much time and effort as I did before. ANd I don’t want to be disordered. A work in progress, we’ll see…
This is one of my biggest struggles. I remember when I didn’t get into my college of choice and I went to the gym for something like 4-5 hours. I’m really struggling with it currently with all the stuff going on in my life. I’m having a whole internal debate about tomorrow since I have a doctor’s appointment in the morning and won’t be able to get my run in beforehand. Or I could, but I worry it’ll mess with the test I have to take….
I was a little confused about your exercise addiction and ED. I didn’t know the exercise addiction came first! Wow… so there are so many more factors to ED than just eating. This series has really opened my mind. Like… really.
There used to be a very obviously anorexic girl at my university gym. We both worked out at the crack of opening, and I would do cardio, hit the weights, sometimes swim, stretch stretch stretch… and after those 90 minutes, I would shower, blow dry my hair and be done: 2 + hours from start to finish. And whenever I left, to start my day, SHE WOULD STILL BE ON THE CARDIO MACHINES. It’s all she ever did…
I was pissed off that they didn’t revoke her membership, since what she was doing was the exact OPPOSITE of health and wellness, and that’s what the gym was called: “the Wellness Centre”! I know that she would have just gone somewhere else to indulge the obsession, but… I didn’t know her, we weren’t friends, I couldn’t offer her support, and so I just didn’t even want to see her. I definitely felt like the fitness world would do well to try to moderate excessive exercising, but… well, obviously, it won’t stop people from doing what they want, and it probably infringes on their rights. Still: bad message for the rest of the members… or was I being selfish?
Thanks for leaving the book title, i’m going to check it out.
I also agree with the fitness being pushed on us by the media (and various ‘healthy’ eating aspects). The message is really everyone needs to exercise more/eat less. I think i am someone who gets affected by this inside their head – so i exercise more but then it’s too much. But everyone says we need to exercise more and now i’m in the ‘wrong’!? I’m simplifying but the message gets twisted inside my head and the fact is health is highly individual and simply doesn’t come down to just telling the mass exercise more/eat less. It’s hard to tell that to my mind though.
I echo the- I was lazy young, then in my ED I didn’t exercise because I had absolutely zero energy, then once in “recovery” (ha) I started exercising (more so because I wasn’t used to actually having energy, I think the combined food energy and anxiety had me bouncing off the walls), continued exercising now- especially this past year to the most it’s ever been.
I know there’s a few contributing factors- anxiety, for various things, life factors which make me anxious, and obviously body shape and weight. Strangely those last two come last though. It’s like I don’t care what I loook like in a way (or so I tell myself) as long as I can keep getting better at my workouts and keep progressing. If I were to total how much I was exercising total this last year everyday wherether it be walking running, biking, yoga, weights..it’s be about 6 hours..or more.
I’ve been able to give myself one “Rest day” a week, but it’s a rest day from running..but I do try to not do other exercises if I don’t feel like it.
The “being unproductive” thing is or was a big thing for me. I didn’t/ don’t want to sit at home, when I do all my anxieties hit when I have nothing else to think about. I got a job and had my first day yesterday so I think this is gonna be a big game changer o8< I'll write about that soon as soon as I have a chance to breathe! (12 hr day for my first day!)
My relationship with exercise has also taken the path of obsession, indulgence, injury etc. These days I still need a physical boost every day – but it can be as simple as a walk outside. xo
I think the moment that i realized I was a truly exercise-obsessed crazy person was on my 21st birthday. I was so nervous about having to go out to dinner and drink that I went to the gym TWICE, both times ellipticalling until I burned 600 calories. I felt like I NEEDED to burn 1200 calories that day at the gym in order to be able to eat. It was so stressful. And so insane.
These days, while I do marathon train, I also take days off and only do one long run a week. The other days I strength train and go to classes at the gym. All more social activities and an excuse to get out of the house and see real people more than anything else. It’s taken a while to get there though and to realize that not working out for ONE DAY actually won’t kill me.
I think I have a pretty good relationship with exercise. I’ve got no desire to run for an hour, so I don’t. If I want to go yoga, I do. I genuinely enjoy running & strength training, but more often than not, I see them as hobbies, not exercise!
I’m not a personal trainer…and there is nothing I love more (except my boyfriend and family) than a GOOD 2 hour run. Good means that I feel strong and fast and free, not that I’ve forced myself out when I would rather be sitting on the couch. I wait all week for the weekend so I have time for a leisurely run. So I hope we can agree that 2 hours of exercise can be normal, rather than disordered.
There was a time when I was much too strict with my exercise (the whole turning down social invites in favor of exercise situation), but even then, I never dreaded or loathed it. Even in my most unhealthy days, I exercised too much out of pure endorphin addiction. I looked forward to it allll the time.
Having less time, and with age (I’m 27) a little less energy, my devotion to running has dropped from probably 14-20 hours a week to 6-9 hours a week. So I’m in a “healthier” place, but not really by choice. If I had all the time and freedom in the world, I’d probably still be working out 2-3 hours every day.
(p.s. me and food are cool with each other, so my long runs are very well fueled.)
I can totally relate – I started out running to clear my head and deal with some emotional issues. That turned into working out about three or four hours a day. Now I am a complete and total slug who “does not ever work out” but for me that still means about 45 mins of activity – walking, light weights, push ups, etc. I still have to do something, but I can not “go to the gym” because I will never leave. I don’t know why I am like this, but I am like this with EVERYTHING!
I hate to exercise, but once I do it I feel great. I usually eat healthier when I am exercising. I wish I loved it, and looked forward to it, but I don’t.
You know of my struggles with exercise. They were the first symptoms to creep in (fueled by competitive-spirit and pathological drive) and they have been some of the hardest to let go as well. Did you know, however, that continuing to do exercise (in any way) is one of the main indicators for relapse? I recently found that out and it makes perfect sense, holding out to that bit of ED gives it power. So it IS a matter of just sitting on your skinny booty all day… no matter how much its bones hurt against the chair!
Hey everyone,
I have reached a breaking point. I decided to search up compulsive exercising and came across this. It seems like all of you have managed to find balance in your lives. I’ve exercising compulsively for a few years. This sounds dumb, but I wanted to have a six pack. I’ve never been able to achieve this and it makes me so frustrated. I do everything right in terms of exercise and what I eat. I’m so strict with myself. Am I just born this way? Why is it that other people manage to obtain healthy toned bodies?
Mostly I do intervals of high impact exercises. I used to do this every day for an hour. I have cut it down to less than half an hour 6 days a week. Yet, my compulsive behaviour has gotten worse. All I think about is exercising. Everything in my life evolves around it. EVERYTHING. I am at university right now and live on residence. Every day I rush back from class hoping my roommates won’t be there so I can get my workout done with. I absolutely fear going back and finding someone there. I’ve even tried to find empty places on campus as backup. I hate it when people watch me when I exercise and I hate being interrupted. I become furious if and punish myself if I stop. I hate exercising, but I feel so good afterwards. I am in a lot of pain from the high impact. It hurts to do anything, but I keep pushing. In our society, this is seen as something positive. My biggest struggle is seeing the fine line between a healthy challenge and going extreme. I feel like I shouldn’t ever give up because no one actually likes exercising, but they manage to keep pushing. I’m sure there is no one who likes the feeling of throwing up after a hard workout. Why can they do it and not me? Should people not do things they don’t like or should they force themselves. If so, what if someone didn’t want to do anything, should they just lay around?
I couldn’t take it anymore the other day before my workout. I started crying. I started, but couldn’t continue. I felt like the biggest failure. I don’t know what to do. I wish someone could force me to do certain things to help me. I’ve even wished that I was seriously injured, so I wouldn’t have an excuse to rest. But then, I bet I would figure some way to “exercise” still. I took a break for a few days and I felt miserable. I don’t want to stop exercising. I just want to like it. I don’t know how to get out of this compulsive behaviour. I thought of ideas like doing a “draw”. For example I would write 4,5, or 6 days of exercise a week and draw out the plan. But I continue to be compulsive. Then I would think that I had to increase the intensity on the weeks I do less days. I struggle with what kind of exercises to do. Should I interval train, run, swim? It always has to be a certain way with me.
It’s been so hard for me. I see people going to the gym or talking about being healthy. I think to myself, why can’t I be like them? I feel so guilty. Will I ever have a healthy relationship with exercise? Can someone please help me out. I really need some guidance. I’m sorry about my rant. I hope it made some sense.
Hi Jia! I’m so sorry to read about your struggle with compulsive exercise. Does your university have counseling services for the students? I’d highly recommend finding a professional who can help you understand your exercise addiction. Like many addictions, compulsive exercising is not about the exercise, it’s about using the exercise to fill a void in your life or to numb you from emotions that you don’t want to feel. If you can figure out that reason, you might be able to start reducing your need to exercise. Congratulations on reducing your time from 1 hour to 30 minutes. What if you were start doing high impact exercise 5 days a week then on the 6th day (if you want to workout) doing a lower impact of cardio? Going cold turkey will be difficult but if you can slowly start to phase out the intense high impact cardio, you’ll be able to develop a healthier exercise routine. Good luck! And don’t worry, exercising does not define you and you can beat this!!
Hi Jia,
i think it’ll remembering the real motive behind excersing – which is really to give you a sense of well being and not to add to your stress levels. i’m sure everyone struggles with balancing at some point and it takes time to find the point where you feel comfortable but feels like you are still pushing yourself. find a good friend to excercise together or confide in, make some plans and don’t feel afraid to break them once in a while! a life of balance is knowing it’s okay even through times of unbalance
Hi Jia.
You have to stop comparing yourself to others. Everyone is interested in building themselves up to the tallest skyscraper, when they should simply be the best that you can be. Who cares if you’re only made of wood and straw. Can’t you be a beautiful, quaint cottage? To take this idea further, think of the masses interested in visiting the most majestic, tallest mountain. But what if someone special is only looking for a quiet hill with beautiful flowers to rest on, and if that’s what you are, why would you want to be that mountain?
I admit that I’d love to have X’s body, or Y’s face, or Z’s charmed life, thinking that that would make me a much better person. But you know what? I won’t be me anymore. I won’t be what that special someone is looking for. Just be the best you can be (within reasonable means). You don’t have a six pack. So what? SO WHAT? Think about it. By commenting here I’m sure you can already see how bloody ridiculous your mentality is. So drop it. Just STOP. And BE.
Jia,
You have reached a point where you are realizing you are in bondage, a slave to the addiction. The compulsion and obsession is exhausting. Exhausting.
But you have made such VITAL first steps. Admitting to yourself you have a problem.
And the best part is? Most universitys offer counseling FOR FREE. Yup. FOR FREE!!! This is a once in a lifetime opportunity if you have that offered at your health center.
I am 33 years old. I missed so much SO much of life because of an eating disorder that has taken many shapes and forms and progressed thoughout the years.
Yes, you are facing something that probably WILL progress, get worse and possibly even change forms and evolve into a serious body image/eating disorder. PLEASE get help now.
You are not alone. We “get” most every word from your comment. We have been there. We understand.
There is a hope for you. It’s okay, I promise.
Just…..do something okay?
You don’t even have to tell your friends right now if you do not want to. That is your right. But get someplace where you can talk about this on a regular basis.
PS- You can and probably will have a healthy relationship with exercise.
If you can manage to free yourslef of the addiction/compulsion and obsession (and this may take a while) you will view it in a healthy way. (And even feel like slacking some days but do it anyway, like most people, but it will be for the “normal” reasons most people push themselves. Not because you HAVE to. Make sense?).
In other words, you CAN normalize this and make friends with exercise, eventually.
Thank you so much for all your replies. It has been really hard. I’ve been following my mom’s strictly reinforced “plan” of 3 days of exercise per week. Everyday, I feel guilty. I don’t know if it will ever get better. Isn’t exercise supposed to be good for me? I mean, who actually wants to be panting and sweating. I don’t think anyone does. They still push themselves, don’t they? Why am I any different? Anyway, many of you have recommended help. I have been getting help for a long time. I have gotten a new psychiatrist since moving to university. All he ever wants is to stuff me with medication. I told him about my exercise addiction and he said, “why don’t you like it, just do it, it’s good for you!” I felt so angry. It’s like he’s feeding my addiction. I don’t know what to believe anymore. I mean, he’s a professional, right? Meanwhile, everyone else is telling me to do less exercise. Who am I supposed to believe? I can’t tell what’s right or wrong for anything. I always doubt myself and can’t make ANY decisions. If anyone can guide me in terms of how I can tell what’s right and wrong, please help me out. I hate feeling guilty and blaming myself for everything. Thanks so much everyone! I feel so fortunate that there are people out there that truly understand.
I got to a point where I was exercising twice a day for six days a week…well actually, it all started when I was overseas. We worked 12 hour days…2 hours given us to go to the gym (to give us ample time to shower when we returned to work). And that would be about an hour to an hour and a half. However, after our 12 hour shift, I would run….45 minutes…six days a week. And if I didn’t run a certain amount, or in a certain time, I was guilty. And when I didn’t get to the gym for whatever reason, I would lay in bed and have anxiety. I’m a little better now, especially since being back in the U.S. has given me an actual life…but I still feel the guilt trips if i’m not at the gym for at least 50 minutes. Now i have Patellofemoral syndrome as well (also known as runners knee), and can’t run…sometimes I’ll push myself to bike, which is probably not helping me any…but I can’t stand not doing cardio. Cannot! But I’m trying to figure out how to reduce the anxiety and make my exercise as a way to be healthy…because I know deep down that’s not why I’m exercising. Sometimes if i know things are going on early in the mornings, earlier than when I would normally wake up to work out, I’ll wake up even earlier, even if that means less sleep. It’s miserable…but I can’t stop it.
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