**** I had the best SPAM dish!!!! Oh man, it’s been so long since I had SPAM. In Singapore we just call it luncheon meat, which doesn’t sound any more appealing than the word “SPAM,” but just as controversial! I loved hearing you guys’ favorite or nostalgic SPAM dishes…keep them coming, and enter my giveaway if you haven’t done so! I don’t know if I’ll submit my SPAM dish recipe to the SPAM contest because it’s not really for a crowd, but I might just make another one! Yummm…
Okay that was a random prelude to a discussion on eating disorders, but just had to throw that one in before we get to the sobering subject of ED. As always, you can check out my other Weekend ED posts on my Weekend ED Series Page.****
I met an interesting lady today while lining up to pay for my groceries at my local supermarket.
She was a slender, tall woman with a long braid and loose-flowing hippie-style clothes. While standing behind me, she saw that I brought my Whole Foods bags so that I didn’t have to use plastic ones.
“Those are beautiful bags,” she said.
I was about to say “thank you” when she added, “But I refuse to buy anything from Whole Foods. I’m boycotting them.”
Being a curious person, I was immediately intrigued. But I didn’t even have to ask; the lady was clearly eager to speak. “They’re anti-union,” she said, twisting her lips in disgust at the mere thought of the big bad capitalist Whole Paycheck. “They even fired employees for trying to organize a union.”
And then she went on a tirade about “those greedy capitalists” who try to “choke” and “rob” society, and encouraged me to research the pro-labor organization she was involved in, the Peace and Freedom Party. But I got a bit distracted when I looked down and saw that she had almond milk, vegan frozen entrees, and half a dozen packets of tofu shiratake noodles in her cart.
Oh man. Shiratake. That brings back memories. I used to be a fan. Not of its slimy eel-like texture and fishy odor, but the obscenely low calories for all the bulk it provided. I looked back at the lady, who was still talking about union rights. I apologized that I don’t know as much about this issue as I probably should.
She wasn’t offended by my ignorance and replied, “Ah, but most people don’t know or care, because they don’t know the history. You need to look deep into the history to get the full picture.” And then she educated me on a brief history of union parties and how both Democratic and Republican parties mistreated them. Meanwhile, I was still darting disturbed glances at the tofu shiratake noodles. But one person preaching was enough.
The lady is a passionate anti-capitalist, pro-socialist feminist. I on the other hand, am a passionate anti-diet, pro-recovery blogger who writes about food and life. I have no doubt we both have personal stories and histories that led us to take such a passionate position in our beliefs. So I hope you understand my ambivalence towards any forms of diets and extreme nutrition.
I first want to make it clear that I am not condemning anyone. I’m not trying to preach my views on you. I’m simply telling my history. My history with diet and nutrition. It might not apply to you. But I think it’s worth knowing and understanding why restrictive diets and too much attention on nutrition can be such a tricky territory for people with disordered eating histories.
I think one of the dangers of intensive recovery (and I’m talking about situations in which you had to drop school/work in order to recover) is that you get too much time in your hands.
Take me, for example. I wasn’t going to school. I wasn’t taking any classes. I didn’t have friends my age nearby because they were all away in college being normal college students. Even when they returned from school, we had nothing much to talk about because I wasn’t doing anything fun and interesting. I was just home all day, eating and mopping about and waiting for the next meal.
But I had my computer. Even though stuck at home, the Internet opened up all kinds of worlds for me. And naturally, I started navigating towards food and nutrition sites. That’s when I somehow discovered raw veganism. I think the thing that interested me the most about raw food is the promise that it’ll abolish food cravings, leave you feeling clean and energetic, and that every nutrient and mineral is preserved as much as possible in raw foods and absorbed by the body.
As someone who is always obsessing over food and dealing with self-disgust and guilty feelings towards food, raw veganism sounded too good to be true. This was early 2007, and I started reading up on anything and everything raw foodism that I could get my hands on. I poured through websites, I downloaded podcasts, I ordered and borrowed books. At first skeptical, I was soon brainwashed by their teachings and philosophies.
It was also around that time that I started persuading my parents to let me feed myself. “I’m sick of eating rice porridges,” I complained. “I want real food, and I need to learn to eat by myself!”
My parents, who were just as sick as watching me eat rice porridges as I was of eating them, agreed to give me back autonomy over my meals. Besides, by then I had gained about 15 lbs and plateaued. I had about 30 more than gain, but rice porridges weren’t going to get me there.
I wasn’t ready for full autonomy, however. I couldn’t restrict because I knew I had to go for a check-up with Northwestern, and I was desperate to get back to school by the next Fall semester. But I could still “control” my diet. In truth, I was just reluctant to give up my ED. And because I was terrified of unceasing weight gain, I also thought I should get “used” to raw foodism so that I can just easily transition to weight management if I needed to.
It seemed like a good plan to me. I knew it was a far cry from becoming “normal” with food. I knew I was finding desperate ways to appease my inner anxieties and regain some vestiges of “self-control.” But I chose to ignore that, because deep down, I never really believed I would be recovered. So since I would never be fully recovered, why not find ways to be “okay” with partial recovery? Since I could never be okay with myself, why can’t I at least be okay with the things I put into my body?
Besides, I was curious. I also found that giving myself all these food rules and food ethics lifted a lot of anxieties I had towards food. As I flipped through raw cuisine “un-cookbooks” I found myself wanting to eat all those things, and not be afraid of the calories. Slowly, my mind started to shift into thinking: it’s not about calories. It’s about GOOD calories. As long as every calorie is nutritious and beneficial and worthy, I shouldn’t be afraid.
I really thought at the time that I was making some progress. Hey, look! I’m eating nut butters!! I’m eating full-fat nuts and seeds! Now I know I was being deceived into holding onto the roots of ED; my fundamental disordered thoughts had not changed. It had simply shifted, altered, and then settled into its original highly obsessive, disordered state. After all, I still had many, many fears towards eating and food. I still couldn’t function socially without panicking about what I’m going to eat, how I’m going to eat, what time I’m going to eat. In fact, I would say transitioning to raw foods only made me even more obsessed.
It was also an act of distrust in the healing powers of God, and taking things into my own hands. I was impatient and losing faith. There were times when I felt somewhat convinced that I might be healed (and I mean mentally), but each time I faced the enormity of my mental illness and weaknesses in character, I lost heart. I was also paralyzingly fearful about the future (p.s. “paralyzingly” is not a word, but I think it makes sense here).
What will happen after I gain to my normal weight?
What will become of me when I lose my ED?
How will I be able to deal with all of that?
What if I become so used to eating and gaining that I can’t stop?
I felt like I needed to do something, like prepare myself for “in case” scenarios; I was so doubtful of my ability to deal without my ED. I knew I couldn’t make all my disorders go away. But I told myself that I could find ways to compromise with ED.
The weird thing though, is that following a diet made me gain some kind of identity and pride. Unfortunately, it was the wrong kind of identity and pride.
I never called myself a raw foodist, or gave myself any kind of label, but I saw myself as a person interested and invested in health and nutrition.
And yeah, I would totally preach. People who didn’t know any better came to me for nutritional advice, and I would go on a tirade on the evils of the dairy industry and how cooking kills living enzymes, blah blah blah. Such a bullshit contradiction that I would get all self-righteous high-and-mighty, extolling the virtues of healthy living when I clearly wasn’t able to live one.
That is my very, very short background explanation on why until now, I have the heebie-jeebies when it comes to diets.
My personal experience and belief says that I do not think any kind of restrictive diets can be helpful for someone with eating disordered issues. I’ve debated with some who firmly disagree with me, like the lovely Gena, and although logically, I can understand her point…emotionally, I cannot.
I suppose things are still raw for me, especially because all the information about raw foodism, etc., really put a hamper on my recovery, sucking me further back into disordered mindset and behaviors. Yes, I know it really was my own fault. I know that logically. But again, emotionally, I will admit, I blame those damn diets.
Questions to Ponder:
1) What are your opinions on someone with ED issues following a diet like veganism, or the paleo diet, etc (so many effing diets!)? Do you think it could help recovery?
2) Have you ever made compromises with ED, and how did it affected your recovery?
3) Is knowledge about diet and nutrition important or necessary in recovery? How much knowledge is too much?
P.S. Here’s a relevant article worthy of reading and discussing.
Related posts:
{ 44 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m not entirely sure of how I feel about someone with an ED history following a specific diet although I firmly believe in eating what makes you feel best. So if eating vegan because meat and dairy give you stomach issues doesn’t really bother me. Nor does eating vegan because of passionate beliefs bother me. I think it’s okay to adhere to a specific diet as long as it’s not damaging to your overall health. I’d never condone eating vegan, paleo, gluten-free or etc to lose weight. That stuff drives me nuts.
Anyway, I’d love to see what others have to say.
This was very thought provoking and I think you did an excellent job stating your opinion without putting down diets and taking responsibility for your actions. I’ll give you my honest opinion though, I think that veganism is too restricting because I essentially believe that our bodies need some animal protein. I hope I don’t get hate mail for saying that.
I agree. I believe God created humans to be omnivores.
Sophia, I’ve never read someone put so much truth into the whole notion of raw veganism (what it really is, and what it is not). (And yes, the first person that came to mind who I figured would debate everything you’ve just written was Gena!)
It’s weird because I feel like I’m (emotionally, although not physically) in a very similar situation to the situation you just described in your intensive recovery days. Although I am strongly and passionately (albeit not openly vocal) about the whole philosophy of raw veganism, I find myself a terrible contradiction. I often can’t bring myself to eat “normal” food (this becomes a real pickle in social situations in particular) because I’ve convinced myself for so long that “raw vegan” food IS normal. Like you say, it’s logical, but for those of us who have experienced disordered thoughts about eating, it’s really not normal, at least not emotionally. It’s just a mask that covers the fact that we’re still hanging on to the roots of ED.
Thanks for sharing, as always Sophia
Aletheia, next time you come to L.A….maybe I should take you to Umami Burger? Heh heh heh.
Fries wit dat.
You’re freaking on!!!!!! My treat!
TRUE! TRUE TRUE!!!
I totally believe that many people (and I think especially in this blog world) go from a restricting type of ED into another. Because yes, I think not eating meat, only eating raw for MOST ED-people is just restricting. It’s easier to see “hey, I can’t eat that, because I don’t eat meat, fish or eggs…so I’ll bring my own things” because it gives an “excuse”. Still have that (untrue) feeling of control people with ED’s want.
I too thhink many living and eating styles are very interesting, but I always remember for me it’s best to eat everything. It’s all about the balance, right?!;)
I’m glad you’ve approached this issue. It’s a really difficult line to tread. Since my brief (luckily) relapse last year I’m warey of diets but at the same time I have to follow some kind of modified diet because of my darn IBS. I’m also warey of blogging too, which is a big shame. Whilst I think i agree with you for the most part, I can understand where Gena (and others are coming from). Since relinquishing my vegan ways I have lost my love for food. I genuinely don’t enjoy meat (but I do LOVE cheese) and every now again I find myself begging for someone control over my life (and thus eating) and the vegan way becomes more tempting again. The dilemma that I have is that I don’t like meat (been veggie since I was 12ish) and I’m lactose intolerant so vegan is almost a natural fit for me…
Ok, so I’m not really sure what my point is here! All I know is that you’re post raises some really interesting points, and I agree that anyone with a disordered eating past needs to be very careful with any kind of diet. And, if they have to follow a certain diet for health reasons (like myself) then they have to be very careful and keep the motivations behind the diet in check (through being transparent and honest with those you love and trust, for example).
Love ya! x
No prob, I get what you mean, Sarah. IBS makes it doubly hard.
But I see no point in putting a label on yourself. So you don’t like meat. Then you don’t have to eat it all the time. But you also don’t have to go out of your way to exclude it completely from your diet. If someone serves you a dish that has a few specks of bacon in it, you don’t have to reject the dish because you are “vegan.”
What I mean is that I don’t think your food problems have to be restrictive or unnatural. You can still eat in a natural, “normal” way.
I absolutely agree. I have moments where I crave a label and the restrictions that it brings, but I’m fighting those moments to their death!
I hate and love labels and diets, it’s a tought habit to break. xxx
I have nothing against vegans because I have a handful of vegan friends and they’re (mostly) lovely. However, some of the vegans I have seen at various events have always looked severely malnourished, and it’s always made me wonder what their reasoning behind their veganism is. Personally I love meat far too much to consider veganism as a form of ‘extreme dieting’, and I’m not political enough to be into it for other reasons, but I’ve been the victim of faddy diets and I see many of my friends doing the same. My mother and best friend are always saying that they just wants to lose x amount of pounds, or ‘it’ll be better when I’m thinner’ and it really concerns me because I don’t think there’s anything wrong with their current weights.
I don’t think there’s a problem with knowing too much but I think there’s a problem about being too concerned with the consequences of that knowledge. It’s like knowing MacDonalds is bad for you and eating it in moderation, or not knowing at all and then being surprised and trying to sue the company because you didn’t know it was unhealthy (though you may be paid a handsome sum if this is the case).
Great post in your ED series as always, my dear!
Jax x
Your ED series is always interesting and touching. It is a great part of a blog I really enjoy. I have an award for you, come and pick it up. http://nutsaboutfooditaly.blogspot.com/2011/04/sicilian-oven-roasted-artichokes-thanks.html
You definitely bring up an interesting point. While I think that there are definitely valid reasons for adopting a “non-traditional” diet like raw veganism, I do think that it’s very easy to use a strict style of eating to cover up an ED.
1) What are your opinions on someone with ED issues following a diet like veganism, or the paleo diet, etc (so many effing diets!)? Do you think it could help recovery?
No..just..this is tricky..I don’t really think to some extent, that people, in their eating disorders may even realize when they are using a diet as an excuse “No REALLY, I just care about the animals”. Maybe they do. MAybe they really believe that too..but it’s not the whole story. The best way I’ve heard it put about veganism, raw food, and such was “it’s strange how you have to put so much planning into a supposedly “healthy” diet for it to not harm you.” I’d say that the only reason ot be on a “diet” is if you have a medical condition. Even then i don’t know if you’d call it a diet. Lactose intolerance, IBS, Celiacs, PKU. Things like that.
2) Have you ever made compromises with ED, and how did it affected your recovery?
Compromises..yeah, I got more phobic of food once I started eating more. Got into time routines, specific times, etcetera. It sucks now, even though I was worse off before physically and mentally, now I’m more aware and it feels almost worse knowing and feeling it.- I can’t eat without exercising every single day. It doesn’t seem possible to me and am injured right now..but psychologially, it’s much less pain then the physical some how 8/
3) Is knowledge about diet and nutrition important or necessary in recovery? How much knowledge is too much?
I think knowledge is good. The problem is when people get “Educated” on things like veganism or raw food or paleo or atkins or gluten free, or..whatever. They don’t get the actual information, they just get the hype and promises to heal all problems.
Also..ha, this ended up being so long.. I’d think that if a person were to want to become vegan or something to that effect in recovery for “ethical” reasons” I would tell them “First learn to take care of yourself then you can worry about the animals” same reason as to why some people discourage people with eating disorders cook meals (and not eat them themselves) for others…I know I’m forgetting something else but..can’t remember XP
Exactly. It’s ironic that you’re harming yourself so that you don’t harm animals. How contradictory does that sound?
Also agree that it’s strange to have to be so analytical and critical and stressed out over something as natural and human as eating. I say just eat whatever and whenever your body says it’s hungry.
This is what I’ve always tried to articulate to people in the blog world. It’s not that I don’t agree with certain eating lifestyles and preferences, it’s that I just don’t think someone fighting to gain weight needs to be restricting their diet in any way! Obviously, they have an unhealthy relationship with food, and that’s never going to get better if they are shunning foods that they might like but it’s not apart of their “plan”.
I think that it’s very tricky to navigate both ED recovery and a diet that restricts a number of food groups because it’s so difficult to define what lines are disordered and which are not. I remember wanting to go vegan during recovery and I know that part of it was to have less food choices to choose from since I was so overwhelmed as it was with all of a sudden having to eat all these foods I had not allowed myself to for so long. Now I am happily in a place where I don’t have any definite constraints on my diet (except for no pork…but for religious reasons) and I feel best this way- there is such an obsession to label and identify ourselves with a certain dietary lifestyle which I believe just further fosters society’s obsession with diets. I think it’s perfectly okay to be mostly vegetarian then have some meat when you crave it or such.
I kind of touch on the diet issue in my last post, although in a much more snarky manner
When it comes to food and diets, I hate labels. The instant you put definite rules on things it brings on guilt and shame any time you stray from that strict mindset. For me? I don’t eat meat, but I eat dairy and eggs because, well, I like dairy and eggs. I do my best to be compassionate and intelligent in my choices, but in the end I have to make sure that I am truly coming from a healthy place of motivation. It can be easy to justify behavior with labels and examples, but in the end, you have to do what’s healthiest for both your own mind and body (and yes, we do know when the motivation isn’t healthy, even if we try and tell ourselves it is.)
As for the restrictive nature of vegan diets, I hate to say it, but I agree that a whole lot of people that partake have issues with food, not just the animal rights at the foundation of the concept. I’m not educated enough about the intricacies of it or why/how certain people make it work for them, but I think someone who has “issues” should be completely weight restored and develop a “normal-ish” healthy relationship with food before embarking on any sort of restriction for any reason. They should be willing to try anything and make decisions based on preference and not fear or social influence. I suppose if I had someone to make all my meals for me and pay for all the stuff, I would go vegan for strictly moral reasons. However, I can’t and quite honestly, I can’t justify my reasons for doing it on my own.
In the end, I try and be as compassionate as possible with all my decisions–for me and the planet (but honestly, mostly for me.)
Sorry for the ramble. It’s a touchy subject at times.
Sophia,
This post is very timely given our recent conversation about your aversion to veganism. It makes much more sense now that I know your history with it! It’s extremely interesting to have both you and Gena posting about eating disorder recovery coming from such two drastically different camps. I’d have to say I probably fall more into Gena’s in that eating a vegetarian diet opened my world to tons of new foods and cooking methods and gave my eating a new sense of freedom. I most definitely understand and admit I can fall into the trap of having it somewhat regiment my eating at times though. Much to think about!
Clare
I think that any kind of restrictive diet in recovery is definitely a risk factor for a slippery slope back into ED-like eating. I think there are lots of people who use it as a means of control. It’s not as easy to eat out in restaurants or go grab food with your friends if you’re restricted like that, so in the end you still end up in control of what you eat and how much you eat, etc. This may not be true for all people though as I’m sure there are some with ED’s who just do it for the ethical purposes…but I think it may be hard to separate those from some sort of sordid subconscious disordered logic. So it’s hard to say. When I was almost diagnosed with Celiac’s disease, part of me definitely though YES this means I won’t have to go out to eat ever again! Which is crazy. I love going out to eat. It was just my old ED speaking. Thankfully I kicked it in the face and reminded it that pasta is the thing that keeps me alive so it really should shut up.
Not having been diagnosed with an ED, my opinion would really just be ‘in theory’, right? So the way I see it, if someone has physical (real) issues with certain food and need to restrict, no problem. Or ethical reasons, no problem. I worry that some people just make up those reasons (yes, I’m intolerant to everything under the sun; and I hate animal abuse of any kind) just to enable an ED. If I had an ED, I certainly would do that- just being honest!
I definitely have restrictive issues, but on a verrrry sliding scale. Like I won’t have but a spoon ful of rice because I’d rather spend my carbs on popcorn or chocolate! Silly but it seems to work for me. But cutting out all carbs or going on a real “diet” of this or that- no thanks. Been there done that and I’m done!
Thanks for writing such a beautiful and informative post about your experience.
I don’t think people trying to recover from an eating disorder should do so by restricting themselves to a certain diet. It seems counterproductive. I’m all for healthy eating but sometimes I think people use this as a way of clinging to their disorder. Personally, following a specific diet through recovery would not have helped me come out the other side as a ‘normal’ eater. I needed to give up vegetarianism; I just needed to eat normal food without any sense of “good or bad”. I would have found any sort of restrictive ‘healthy’ diet toxic to recovery.
I love love LOVE this. Seriously. I’m so glad you wrote this-and with eloquence. You voiced everything I was feeling about diets/veganism!
I think vegan or other specific/restrictive diets may only be beneficial to a person with ED recovery LONG AFTER they have “recovered”. As in, gained all of the weight back, have normal eating habits, feel more positive. I don’t know if you can ever be free of an eating disorder or 100% recovered (I don’t know anyone who is, that’s all), but there really needs to be significant progress before trying another diet.
I have tried veganism, no sugar, raw food, all during the early recovery process, and it was a mess every time.
I think nutritional awareness is important for all people, but like the goals of the book “Intuitive Eating”, we should really learn to trust our bodies–they tell us more about our eating needs than we allow.
I can see certain people using restrictive diets as a tool to enable their ED. It’s so much more acceptable to be a vegan than to tell someone you’re not eating because you don’t want to consume any calories.
I’m a little torn about how I feel when it comes to eating for recovery. I am going to start by saying that I also have the issue of depression, which I had long before an eating disorder and I think that is a huge factor in what brought on the eating disorder. I used it to “numb out” if you will. Anyway, for me, the initial “recovery” from anorexia was brutal. I was in the hospital and every day I was brought ice cream, chocolate bars, hamburgers, french fries, etc…and I understand the mechanism behind this because I did need to gain weight and I did need to learn that I could eat these foods and the world wouldn’t end. But as I was gaining weight, I was becoming increasingly more miserable. My depression was the worst it has even been, I could barely have a conversation with someone without becoming tearful. Part of this was due to the emotional aspect of recovery, but I believe it was also an issue with my brain chemistry. I know that the levels of serotonin in my brain must have been even lower than normal because my diet at the time was so low in nutrients. I have also learned so much about the importance of micronutrients for many other aspects of health, and I’m just not sure that people who are in such a poor state of health to begin with (anorexics) should be going on diets that are so low in these essential nutrients. I just don’t really understand how the body is supposed to properly repair itself when you are not allowed to eat fruits or veggies, or really any whole foods. Then again, this is all coming from a purely physiological point of view. I understand that you are referring mainly to psychological issues associated with “healthy” diets and in that sense, I completely agree. Diets have no place in recovery. But can’t there be some kind of balance? There must be a way to restore eating disordered individuals back to optimal health and still get them to eat ice cream without having a panic attack.
(Also, I know that not all recovery plans or inpatient programs are the same as the one I went to…it is an extreme situation because, well, mostly because of public health care in Canada. They need you to gain the weight as fast as possible because there is always a mile long waiting list of more sick people)
I certainly do not agree that you have to gorge on ice-cream and hotdogs for recovery. I think you should eat well. You certainly do need the nutrients too, but more than that you need calories, and what’s the harm of adding ice-cream and brownies IN ADDITION to a regular meal?
I think that the mind, spirit and body is all tied together very intricately, and like you, I do believe eating well plays an influential role on the psyche, too. That’s why the emphasis on eating “normally”: as in, you eat your fruits and veggies like all humans should, but like all other humans, you also enjoy your treats and lose your irrational fear towards those “junk.”
Wow, that lady in line would not have heard much nice out of my mouth
I hate those freaking noodles, tried them once and that was enough for me! bleh!
I know! I don’t think anyone in their right mind can truly enjoy those stinky noodles.
I would imagine any type of situation that combines foods with rules would make recovery much more difficult for someone with an eating disorder. One theme I notice that you seem to come back to is “control”. Do you think this is the root of an eating disorder? I’d be interested to hear your thoughts! Sorry, I’m a psych major : p
You know, I really don’t know. That’s what many people say. I can’t determine for sure, but it was a similar thing for me, too.
I’ve always had an issue with wanting to be in control. I want to control my life, the people around me, the way I look and feel…also I always had an incredibly competitive spirit. I think there’s a lot of factors that form the root of Anorexia (not sure about other eating disorders), but control is usually one of the key factors.
I don’t have any experience with veganism, vegetarianism or any tother ‘ism’ out there.. but I did stamp myself with the label of someone who is devoted to healthy and nutrition. I thought that I was walking down the right path, I really did. I am only realizing now how detrimental it was. For the first time ever, I am pushing myself outside of the orthorexic parameters that I’ve imprisoned myself in for years. I’m eating white carbs, processed foods, HFCS and other junk that I deemed ‘unhealthy’ and therefore permitted myself to avoid. Only through actually eating these things without compensating for them have i truly started to recover… and it is a BEAUTIFUL thing!
With anorexia, ‘getting healthy’ definitely entails ‘getting unhealthy’ first. At least for me
“I think one of the dangers of intensive recovery (and I’m talking about situations in which you had to drop school/work in order to recover) is that you get too much time in your hands.”
This is my biggest struggle right now. We are so used to having a “mission” with food, that when all we have is time, our entire life becomes even more obsessed with the “best” way to recover.
Screw it. The more we know the worse we are. Who cares what medical studies say? Medical studies also say that happy people live longer. I’d rather be happy and taking my chances with a breakfast of Cocoa Pebbles in Cool Whip (crucify me, all you chemical haters) than an obsessive, skinny as hell dude in the corner chowing down on scrambled egg whites and spinach.
If people want to judge me for eating chemicals, whatever. I’m only responsible to God and myself, and I think the things God will judge me on have nothing to do with eating a perfectly “clean” diet.
I completely agree with you here. Becoming a vegetarian for me started as an ethical decision, but as my ED took over my life, it became a socially acceptable way of restricting: “I can’t eat anything here because I’m a veggie” or “I guess I’ll just have a salad”. I then added lactose intolerance (true, but no to the degree I feigned to get out of eating), wheat intolerance (totally self diagnosed to avoid simple carbs), and a sensitive stomach to my list of socially acceptable restrictions. Although I never became scary skinny, it was so important to hide my true motivation and keep up this facade of ethics/health when really it was all based on weight. I still catch myself lying about what I “can” eat, because after saying it so much I just started believing myself. Now I eat chicken and fish and some dairy and eggs, but I will not touch pork or beef or cream or butter or full fat cheese (hmmm, must have more lactose, I guess) and you know what? It is because they still scare me and I need that control.
Wow, first I gotta say Sophia…your writing is so beautiful and straight out of your soul that I can hardly contain the emotions! Very interesting topic sista. I think any knowledge can be too much if we don’t actually CHOOSE to do what we instinctively know is good for our bodies and for our souls. In the end, yes we can do so much to recover from such a dark disorder like ED; however, I firmly and genuinely believe that God can heal us from those things ultimately! Whether we acknowledge it or not, He’s the one who blesses with great gifts as we do our part. He truly heals. Towards the end of high school I had a really hard time seeing myself in the right perspective and I would do borderline stuff minus anorexia, bulimia, etc. But still, it wasn’t God’s best way nor the healthiest way. Of course, being a female I don’t always find myself actually loving myself for who I am or the way He made me. And then I wonder….what IS really the fine line for almost borderline ED then? Is worrying about a few calories actually ED? I wonder. Thank you for this and as always you rockkkkkk <333
I’ve really enjoyed how eye-opening these posts have been for me. My mother has always suffered with ED/disordered eating, etc.
As far as diets, I’m not a fan. I don’t like feeling restricted or like I “can’t” have something, because I immediately start to crave it!
To be honest, I am also skeptical of how healthy it is for formerly eating disordered people to follow vegan (especially raw vegan) diets, or any kind of restrictive diet (“restrictive” meaning cutting out certain types of food, not quantities.) I say this as a former anorexic (and still struggling) and a former vegan. For me, veganism helped me feel much better about my eating habits, so I felt a lot less guilt and anxiety about bingeing and overeating, which I had struggled with throughout high school (I was anorexic before that). However, I also dropped a lot of weight on my on-and-off vegan diet, and when I got to a borderline-unhealthy weight I basically gave up veganism (mainly because of logistics and being lazy) but I’ve been really paranoid about food and weight gain since then. So in a way, it may have helped me, but it may also have lead to a downward spiral. It’s hard to tell. I think what it comes down to is a person’s mental state, and what an eating disordered person eats is a reflection of their anxieties. I think it’s very possible for someone who once had an eating disorder to go on a vegan diet and thrive, but I do think that they will still have a higher amount of “food anxiety” than someone who can eat a bacon cheeseburger without freaking out. Ultimately, I think that if someone feels mentally and physically healthy and stable on any kind of diet, they are entitled to that, even if it means they’re not “100% fully recovered” (because who ever is?) But for some people, any kind of restriction will likely lead to a downward spiral–so it really depends on the person. As you said, it works for Gena, but it didn’t work for you, and I really admire you both
I’m recovering from an eating disorder, and I’ve found it incredibly helpful for recovery to learn more about nutrition. In fact, I’m sure I could never have gotten better at all if I hadn’t started to learn more about different foods and what they do in the body. However, my ED is intertwined with physiological conditions that make it impossible for eating certain things, like food intolerances, a tendency to develop inflammations and swellings in my throat after eating certain foods (dairy and soy, e.g.), and serious hypoglcemia which I’ve had as a disposition since early childhood. Especially the last one is directly related to my ED because I’m so carb-sensitive that I’ll be hungry all the time what makes me obsess immediately and thus fosters the ED. After 10 years and almost no hope anymore, I finally got better by switching to a carb-reduced diet with rather high amounts of fat and protein and lots of fiber from vegetables. I don’t really have a label for it – Paleo describes the best what I do, but it doesn’t totally fit because I eat little red meat and also butter and cream and a little brown rice. It’s just the me-compartible diet and I’m happy I’ve figured it out.
I suppose the entire premise rests upon what your definition of “diet” is. Through your own experience, you have ascribed a connotative meaning to it, whereas someone else may take it to mean “a way of life” or lifestyle. What remains unquestioned, is that our personal experiences cloud our judgments, opinions, how we see and label others, and how we govern our lives. Which is why it we have so many disagreements, misunderstandings and conflicts. Personally, it tends to upset me when I hear somebody say “I’m on a diet” as to me that implies a temporary restriction, with no long term, sustainable lifestyle healthy change imparted (and I mean MENTALLY physically, psychologically etc healthy). It sounds like a fad knee-jerk saying to elicit a response. What I have learned through my experience, is not to judge others so quickly, and assume that I know what is going on, or because I have gone through something, that I must then be the authority on labeling others as going through the same. We all have different lives, ways of dealing and thinking. I have made this mistake before of assuming to know what a particular person is thinking/believing/doing etc and pretty much forced my paradigm and life experience down their throats and how I was viewing them. In other wards, pre-judging them, and I was completely wrong in what I thought their motives were. Luckily this has rarely happened, in that my intuition and judgment of character tends to be good. What I like about your posts is that you make the express point of letting your readers know this is purely your opinion, view and ideology as influenced by your particular life experience. Experience leads to a colorful life! Thanks for the post; I loved your segue! Not to mention that that lady should pay you commission on all the traffic you will generate to her ‘labor’ pary site!
XO
Barbara
shiratake gagggg. Even when I was a bony little thing, I could NOT choke that stuff down. I bought it once and literally gagged. I tried it once more, cause it looks so pasta-like, but it is all a fishy, texture-monster pile of gross.
Sorry that’s all my input.
I can totally relate to picking up diet trends and being extremely interested in health and nutrition! I however traded in my anorexia for a recovery of low carb dieting. I was going to gain, but I was going to eliminate carbs to prevent blood sugar spikes and so that I would not store fat, but I’d still get the calories I needed. I bought the Atkins book, the South beach diet book, Protein Power, Body for Life, Living Low Carb, etc. People would see me reading these books and give the “WTF” look lol. Needless to say, I relapsed and lost even more weight getting down to my lowest. It wasn’t until I just got sick of restricting and spending hundreds of dollars on low carb products that I ditched the diet for the Cheat to Lose diet. Well this diet included a low carb, moderate carb, and a cheat day. Let’s just say those cheat days were the catalysts of my recovery. I began having a cheat day 2, 3 , 4 days a week. Some diet, eh? But I am so thankful for it. I am now finally at a healthy weight.
LOL!!!!!!!!! Seriously, I’m laughing out loud! That is one diet I wouldn’t mind following! You’re awesome.
Innocent comment at age 16 that I’ve put on weight and bam doom of ED. First diet on a trip back to UK, a fad diet, lasted few hours but it was a beginning of one of many vicious cycles of dieting, and at times extreme dieting