**It’s that time of the week again…My ongoing weekend series about my experience with eating disorders. Since the story is a progression, do check up on the previous installments if you’re new:
1) Acceptance
9) The Enemy
Please take note that I am not an expert, and I speak from only my own personal experiences, and that not every person suffering from an eating disorder may have the same opinions as I do…which is why I would love if anyone could chime in and add more depth and levels to my words. **
There have been quite a few number of times when I feel strongly that God intervened to save my life.
My hospitalization at Northwestern University was one such instance.
Having an eating disorder is sort of like a game. It is not a fun, innocent game though.
It is a dangerous, twisted, sadistic game in which you try to push your body beyond the human limits…just because you can. It is you dangling your precious life by a delicate, perilous string, swinging it at the tip of your pinkie, daring your life to slip out and fall into the abyss…just because you can.
It is an utter disregard for the biological principles God created for you, and almost a sick pleasure in defying those basic rules of survival.
But the fact is…your life isn’t yours. It belongs to the very being who created it in the first place: God.
And time and time again, that was what I discovered throughout my eating disordered journey. Because each time I almost pushed my life beyond the edge, God swooped down and pulled me back in the nick of time.
As I mentioned in this post, I saw Northwestern as a chance to make recovery happen on my own.
I felt stifled at home. I hated having my parents breathe down my neck about my disordered eating habits and behaviors; I was sick of people looking at me with a mixture of pity and flickering hope; I just wanted to be able to do what I want, when I want, how I want.
It didn’t matter to me that what I wanted to do may not exactly be a healthy way of recovering. What was truly important, I believed at the time, was that I did want to recover. As long as I wanted to recover, I was pretty certain that with time and a change of environment, somehow recovery…would just happen on its own.
I realize how silly this sounds now. You can’t just expect recovery to work out naturally. There is nothing natural about recovery, there is nothing natural about anything to do with eating disorders, really.
But I truly felt it was possible. I was excited about the changes that were going to happen, and I promised my parents that what with all the busy college lifestyle and the new college friends I would make, there would be no time to conform to my obsessive eating schedules and routines.
“Staying at home will just kill me and draw me further away from the human world,” I told them. “But in college, I’ll be surrounded by non-eating disordered students who can teach me how to be ‘normal.’ And you know how important academics is to me! Of course I would choose my academics over my eating disorder!”
My parents were somewhat convinced. Yes, they knew how hard I had worked to be accepted into my first-choice university. They knew how much I loved school, and they remembered how social I used to be. So maybe…just maybe…Northwestern would be the catalyst I needed to jumpstart my recovery.
My parents and I drove in one car together to Chicago. My brother stayed behind because he was still in high school.
It was the first time I had a trip with my parents by myself, and though I enjoyed it, I also felt the constant weight of my parents’ worry for me. But I shrugged it off easily, quite certain that I would prove them wrong.
Well, I proved everyone wrong.
Northwestern wasn’t beneficial to my recovery at all. In fact, it just sucked me deeper and deeper into my ED Black hole.
I still got up at a godforsaken time in the morning to go for a long walk, staggering against the blustering Chicago wind. I couldn’t sit right after a meal because it made me feel fat, so I perused the aisles of Whole Foods after every meal. I still took more than an hour to finish a single flat, fat-free sandwich.
Even though I had a meal plan, I ended up cooking most of the time: vegan Boca burgers, egg white omelets, Fit & Light yogurts, light English muffins with Laughing Cow cheese, fat-free popcorn, pounds and pounds of vegetables, and gallons of diet soda…Those were my daily staples. 
I did make friends. I joined the Christian Crusade for Christ and bonded with some really incredible people. 
I also loved school. I liked my professors, and was always in awe of the beautiful school campus. There was a lake in the middle of the campus, and I loved walking past it each morning. 
But what with all my strict exercise routines, my inability to sit at my desk for more than an hour, and my constant trips to the grocery store for more diet soda, I was unable to function as a college student.
Slowly, day by day, my mental and physical strength puttered out. I found each morning harder to wake up; I could barely crawl up a flight of stairs; I was late to classes because I couldn’t walk fast enough; I dozed off frequently during class.
There were a few times when I wondered what would happen if I never woke up. I could feel my body barely holding it together. I ignored my parents’ phone calls, because I felt too ashamed to speak to them. But I still continued on with my deadly ways. I couldn’t stop. Routine and rules were all I had.
Then one day, I received a letter from the health center. Because I had tested positive for my TB skin test when I was young, the health center wanted me to come by and get a chest x-ray to confirm that I didn’t have tuberculosis.
I went to the health center on a Monday, October 2, 2006.
I got my x-ray done. That was all I had come for. But the doctor pulled me to her office and asked if I was okay, because I looked “kind of sick.”
I told her I was fine. She asked if she could do a check-up on me.
For reasons I don’t really know, I said “yes.”
In truth, I think I was scared. I knew something wasn’t right with me. I knew I needed help, but I was too proud to ask for it. So when a kind doctor asked if she could do a harmless medical check-up on me, I said “yes.”
If I had known she would chuck me right into the hospital, I probably would have hightailed out of there.
After a brief 15 minutes of the usual check-up procedures, the doctor’s concerned smile turned into an alarmed frown. By the time I got on the weighing scale and discovered I had lost 10 whole pounds, her mouth was set into a cold, hard line.
I still remember the exact words she said to me.
“Sophia, I am extremely worried,” she said. “Your blood pressure is really low. Your temperature is really low. With your heart rate, I’m surprised you’re even functioning right now. You need to go to the hospital. Right now.”
I pleaded and begged. Just give me two weeks, I cried. Two weeks, and I’ll get better, and I’ll stop by every week so she can check my progress. Insanely enough, even right then, I was more worried about the essay I had to turn in for my Shakespeare class.
“Sophia, you don’t have two weeks,” the doctor exclaimed. “You might die any second! You don’t have any choice. It’s either the hospital, or we take you there by force.”
I protested more, desperate to stay. Northwestern was my dream, I wanted to scream. I worked so fucking hard to get in here. You might as well fucking kill me!!!
The doctor, realizing that I would kick a nasty fuss, called the school police and asked them to escort me to the Northwestern Memorial Hospital. The police walked me to their car, and I got marched into the hospital with both cops beside me.
And that was how I got my second hospitalization. I got tucked into the ICU that very day.
Once again, it was at the hospital that I realized how close to death I had sunk into. My heart rate monitor beeped numerous times because it got so low. Nurses hovered around me constantly, shaking me awake.
But what hit me most was that there was a huge, ugly blizzard that night.
As I looked out the window and heard the wind howling and the snow piling, I realized then, that God had put me in the hospital just at the right moment. Because I knew, grimly, that I would be crazy enough to still go out to exercise in that horrible weather. And had I gone out, given my physical condition then, I probably would never have returned.
So that was how I found peace that night as I lay alone in the hospital bed. Even though I was feeling distressed and helpless and humiliated, God comforted me with the knowledge that it was He who allowed this to happen. And that by making me go for that TB x-ray test, He had saved my life.
That night, I asked God over and over again: Why, Lord? Why save me? What does my life matter to you? By the time I fell asleep, I was still asking.
Questions to Ponder:
1) Do you believe that the fact that you are still alive right now…is because there is purpose and meaning in your life?
2) How much do you cherish your own life? Or do you find yourself playing dangerous games with it?
3) What do you think is the daily purpose of your life right now?
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{ 44 comments… read them below or add one }
I can so relate to this part of your story. I went off to college claiming it would give me something to focus on that was important to me, and hence give me more motivation to recover. If only it was that easy. I had to get pulled out three different times (although the police never had to escort me out!)
I do believe that God has purpose for my life, but I find myself playing a lot of dangerous games right now. I know it’s not good, but hopefully I am getting more help soon because I want to live out God’s plan for me.
Sophia, your stories always confirm the sovereignty and power of GOd’s love. What grace!
Thank you for sharing this.
Cheers,
LC
Sophia, I wish you knew what your blog has done for me over the past two months. I began recovery about the time you began this series and it has rung truer in my own life with each post. It took a visit to health clinic at my university before anyone took me seriously-and that sparked my entire journey to where I am now. Each day is a little different, but I am far from the girl I was 2 months ago. THANK YOU for your courage and the encouragement this series has offered me when recovery has gotten tough.
You don’t know how much this comment means to me. Thank you!!!!! <3
I really love how open and honest you are with your posts about your ED. I know your story is a rough one and your journey to where you are now has been hard, but I’m sure you are helping many girls that were in your position.
Keep up the amazing writing!!
It’s so interesting to me that you thought being in college would surround you with non-disordered women. Because it was in college I realized that every woman I know struggled with ED in some form or another (some more seriously than others.)
Oh, actually, I DID meet some eating disordered individuals in NU…and I would be talking about that sometime, too.
I believe there is purpose and meaning in every life. We all have an impact on each other and those always provide an opportunity for growth. Even people who behave badly toward us provide such chances. In fact, as of late, I wonder if it’s the worst people who push us to grow the most. Note that I don’t like this, but I recognize that hardship often brings about more positive change in people than ease.
The daily purpose of my life is to grow psychologically (or “spiritually”). Every day is a chance to realize being the person I want to be. I’m not talking about some rigid sense of external or even internal perfection that can be quantified or measured, but an internal sense of peace and mature and measured responses to the things that happen to me. For instance, I don’t want to be the person who gets angry at someone who is rude and cuts me off by shouting something at them. I want to be the person who takes it in stride that such things happen and that it serves no useful purpose to allow it to upset me or for me to direct negative energy at others who direct such behavior at me.
In essence, my daily purpose to act and react in a way which reflects reasonable mastery of my emotions, understanding, compassion, and a broader perspective of the context of the behavior of others. Most of all, I want to practice as much deep and true forgiveness as possible, not only of others but of myself when I fail to respond the way I’d like to be. If I can be this person, the affect I have on others will be a positive one.
This brought tears to my eyes. I can relate to your experience and everything you were feeling. I had a similar situation of relapse when I went away to university, and I felt like such a failure and like I had lost everything I worked. I felt like my life had no purpose, and I also questioned why I was even still alive. It seemed like I was inches away from death, so why wasn’t I?
My purpose…Because I had this experience, I feel like I need to share it. I need to be brave enough to open up to people so that others will feel less lost or alone, or so that they can know that things get better. Very slowly. But still, they do. I haven’t been able to put myself out there as much as I would like to, and I don’t know the exact reason why…or if there is even one real reason. For now, I will just admire you for being so open and honest with your beautiful writing, and doing what many people can’t, but is so utterly important: sharing your story.
Wow Sophia, this is a really heavy post and I’m so proud of you for sharing this. I don’t think people realize the traumatic effects of ED’s when it gets to the point of life or death as yours did. Thank GOD that doctor was there in your life that day. Can you imagine if she never would have examined you? I’m so thankful for you and that you are here today to tell your story.
Heck yes I believe in purpose–to live a purposeless life is SCARY to me. To think that God created us simply to just BE is crazy to me. And depressing!!
Is it scary that it’s up to every individual to give their own life meaning? Do you really think you should invent a god with a mysterious destiny for us all to make yourself feel better? You’ll never recover fully until you learn to accept personal responsibility and no, that does not mean putting your life in God’s (sic) hands. Not to mention I feel like religion/mythology only perpetuates unrealistic expectations that in some form feed eating disorders.
I had no idea you went to Northwestern. I believe that God uses people and event sin our lives for good – all of them. For reasons we cannot see or understand at that exact moment. This series has been amazing to read.
wow sophia, your words are so wonderful. you clearly know how to get your message through.
This was so hard to read, because I can’t believe you went through all of that. I know I came very close to the same kind of danger you were in. It’s surreal to think that we put ourselves in that positon. Willingly! It’s crazy! I don’t know how this happens to so many girls, but it has got to stop! I wish everyone would realize how prevalent and REAL this disease is.
I’m so very glad though, that God was watching over you closely that night. And I’m glad that I’ve gotten the opportunity to “know” you by your blog and your story
<3 Tori
Oh Sophia, I am just so glad that you made it out alive! And I really truly have faith that now, this time around, you will be okay.
I ve written about how my ED made me feel about life and whatnot with losing a dear friend of mine to it. I too am sadly familiar with the pounds of veggies, diet soda, etc. I’m always surprised I let myself get so sick because my mom had cancer for 13 years and if there is anything I learned from her death is that life is precious and you might as well live it up because who knows where you’ll be tomorrow.
I think all people in their 20′s (and 30′s) have a “what is my purpose” crisis. I dont focus on that and I try to put my energy into just doing what is best for the moment. Being present not worrying too much about the future or the past. Its nice to say, “well…I’ll recover one day…” thats BS. I need to do what I can NOW. talk is cheap and not the kind of cheap a jewish girl like me is after
Great post Sophia. You write with such honesty!
Wow…I repeat myself if I say I recognize it so much and how thankful I am that you’re sharing this story with everyone thay may need it. But I don’t care, because it’s how I feel. I’m proud of you girl!!
Sometimes I wonder how the HECK I frickin functioned with my ED’s for so long. I think it was all denial. I remember thinking that when I would get so dizzy I couldnt see, I would just ignore it. I thought it was an exaggeration. Or when I was constantly cold I thought I was just a “cold” person. Or if I didnt have the energy to walk up the stairs, I thought I was lazy. ED’s really make you twisted, they make you think your healthy when your soo soo dangerously ill. I’m so glad you ran into that doctor and she got you the help you needed.
another great and inspiring post. It makes me remember once again how lucky I am.
I think everyone has a purpose in life… and what we think about this purpose can change over time. I used to think that I had to success professionally to prove myself, but I don’t think that’s my purpose in life anymore. As we age, we realize more and more what we need the most, not what others think we need. And that’s really the benefit of aging… to know exactly what makes us happy~~~
That is so scary that you got so close to dying
That absolutely breaks my heart.
I cherish every second of my life, and I know how precious and fragile life is. I try not to take anything for granted.
I believe that I’m here (living) for some reason, and this is why I diidn’t want to go on with these dangerous games anymore. There are things that are more important, and I’m eating for them in some way, to have energy and be able to do those things.
I think my purpose is SHARING…at its basic core, not feeling as if I have something so powerful to offer…but that I AM that something. Does that make sense?
YOu are so brave! When we sit and not avoid these negative feelings, we see how STRONG we are in weakness.
Thank you for sharing
Again, another beautiful post. I love this series of yours. Your writing makes me feel like I was THERE, in your head the whole time.
I know why He saved you. So you can share your story with everyone on this blog, and maybe in the future, beyond the blog. Gawd you are amazing!
thank you so much for sharing your story, Sophia, and I’m so glad you made a full recovery. I too suffered with disordered eating as I am involved in competitive bouldering and weight (or rather, lack thereof) is quite emphasised upon in this sport. although i never reached the point of hospitalization i can really identify with the thoughts and anguish ED sufferers experience on a day to day basis. i struggled with binge eating when i recovered (on my own) and unfortunately during festive seasons still have occasions of overeating/bingeing. i wonder if you might cover this later in your series?
um… we were disordered food twins. light and fit yogurt popcorn diet soda and egg beaters were my lifeblood.
(plus low carb wraps and cigarettes. ahhh cigarettes.)
Again..no words…Your questions? Haunting for me.
I am in the moment tying to kick my diet soda habit and for the past week have been SO crazily weak and achy and just SLEEPING all the time. Makes me realize how much I rely on the diet soda…and of course as you mentioned your diet I thought “That’s ME!!!” Boca burgers, egg whites, obnoxious amouns of veggies….and yes. Lots of Diet soda (caffeine!) I felt great but now? I realize the energy thought came from food was maybe never there.
Holy wow.
On my own? Maybe not.
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!
Sophia, you never fail to fill my heart with faith. Thank you.
1) Do you believe that the fact that you are still alive right now… is because there is purpose and meaning in your life?
Yes. Absolutely. Sometimes I still think about how many times I couldn’t have made it thanks to he condition I was in a year ago. I’m not saying that I am as healthy as I could be right now… but God definitely swooped in and saved my life more times than I can remember.
2) How much do you cherish your own life? Or do you find yourself playing dangerous games with it?
This question actually made me really uncomfortable the first time I read it. Why? Because there is a voice inside of me that is screaming “Yes! Yes! I cherish my life more than anything in this world!” .. but there is also one that can’t deny the fact that I still play dangerous games. I still sometimes sit with hunger when I am scared of eating too much, and I still sometimes make it to the gym on days where I know I’ve had enough. I don’t want to play this game, Sophia. I really don’t.
3) What do you think is the daily purpose of your life right now?
Honestly, I think my daily purpose in life is to make my mom proud. I know that sounds dumb and recovering should be about ME, but I have put her through so much and I feel like it’s my responsibility to show her that I can handle university.
My body is a long way from hospitalization, but my mentality has been through a lot since starting university. I can truly understand how you slipped, and hopefully I will be strong enough to use your story as inspiration.
As always, thanks for writing.
Tat
I am so glad you are healthy and doing well now, Sophia.
“But the fact is…your life isn’t yours. It belongs to the very being who created it in the first place: God.” <–Blunt, but BEAUTIFUL (and SO true!). I wholeheartedly believe that I'm still here for a reason. Like you, I pushed my body beyond rational limits, to the point where I could have easily collapsed. There's really no reason I should still be alive, other than that God had plans for me that were much greater than I could have ever imagined.
I am so grateful for you and this series, Sophia! Have you ever considered writing a book about your experiences? I think that it could help girls/women who are struggling with eating disorders–those who are just as defiant as we were. Hearing it from someone who's been there makes a huge difference, and may inspire somebody to take that first step towards recovery.
I believe that part of God's plan for you is to help others simply by sharing your story, honestly and openly. Thank you!! <3
your blog and story is so inspirational!!!! I love coming here and reading…and then thinking for another 20 min on everything you touched on-keep it up!
Sophia, your post brought me to tears. To think of you going out in that storm and not coming back…I’m so thankful that the doctor was assertive and got you help. It’s always amazing to think of how the smallest decisions in life could change our lives so drastically.
This is brilliant Sophia! You’re so right that our bodies are not ours to play games with. We deserve the care and nourishment and love that we would bestow on any other living being and that God has given us. Our health, our life, is not a game at all and the way you stated it is a major reminder that my body and my life is not something to toy with, it’s serious business and I need to always keep myself number one even when that feels selfish because if I don’t then I can’t accomplish any other goals or make any difference in the world when I am usually so hard on myself for “not achieving enough”. I am so grateful that I am healthier now and have the sense to continue getting better, and I’m even more grateful that you DID end up in the hospital that day. I can’t imagine how horrible that experience must have been for you, but I also don’t even want to think what would have happened had you been left to fend for yourself with ED pushing you to go out in the cold Chicago blizzard. The world (and my life!) would not be the same without you!
You are such a beautiful writer and your story brought shivers. I am so happy you went to the doctor that night. Life is so fragile. You’re so strong to share your story and I just keep thinking “Thank god you came this far.”
First off, thank you SO much for such a kind comment! I was totally blown away by your words. It is amazing to me how a stranger can totally make my day
Your story is truly inspirational. You have been through so much, and I commend you for being brave enough to not only share it but to fight it as well!! Like most girls, I too had issues with food, but was never diagnosed with anything since no one in my family ever seemed to notice. When I found Christ, all that changed of course. I started to treat my body as God’s temple, and although I still have problems with my self image today, I am working on it and no longer feel like I am in a deep dark hole.
What an incredible story! I can’t believe you were that close to death when God brought you into that hospital. Thanks so much for sharing.
I hope you are fine now.
im really grateful that you posted this to share with us and to reminisce your experience. We don’t have any residential treatment centers here, there is one off the island on another island 45 min away that just opened which is also government funded which is a huge relief since its incredibly sad that we have to pay so much to afford saving our own life. my parents almost got ripped off into paying 30,000 plus for my treatment which is why i had to leave and to find government counselling programs which weren’t very intensive..and i wish there was more to have been able to access..to get the information and help that i needed. the reason we are still here on earth and why so many who struggle/have struggled are still here, is a higher power (God) looking over us. Once we accept his plan/path for us, then recovery and healthy can begin. And im so happy that YOU ARE HERE TODAY! <3 <3
Way to ask the easy questions
After an extended period of self-destructive behavior, I don’t think I’m alive because of any particular entity or purpose. I do think, however, that my experiences have made me want to have a mission in life, and I try to live my day-to-day life accordingly. That’s where activism comes in for me – empowering people to make their voices heard, or speaking up for those things which can’t speak for themselves. It gives me balance, and makes me think intensely before I did something that might counter my ability to be effective.
Oh I wish I could give you the biggest hug right now!!! This story brings tears to my eyes. What a miracle that you “happened” to have to get an x-ray that day. I can’t imagine a world without you in it!! Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing your story.
Although I haven’t been commenting much, I cannot thank you enough for these posts (and all your other ones too!). Hearing your complete story and seeing how far you’ve come is beyond inspirational. <3
I don't know the reason for my life but I do know that I'm still alive because there's something big for me to accomplish. What it is, I'm not quite sure but I can't wait to find out.
I rarely find ED stories hard to read, but this one WAS hard to read for me. Thanks for sharing with your customary eloquence, passion, and honesty. You’re a marvel.
People often criticize individuals with ED. The always thought people won’t eat for the sake of vanity. Thank God you have survived and has inspired plenty f individual like me. Now, I am really grateful to live my life for my son and I want to make my life better so that I can spend more time with him
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