** Once again, this is an ongoing series I’m doing every weekend about my story with eating disorders. If you’re just joining us and would like to catch up, you can take a peek at the previous installments:
1) Acceptance
Please take note that I am not an expert, and I speak from only my own personal experiences, and that not every person suffering from an eating disorder may have the same opinions as I do…which is why I would love if anyone could chime in and add more depth and levels to my words. **
Many times, I wonder…what the Year 2006 me was thinking.
Did I really want to recover? Was I actually fighting? What did I want? What did I expect?
And honestly, I don’t think I was thinking much at that time.
It wasn’t that I didn’t want to recover. Hell yes, I did. Especially when that summer after my high school graduation, my parents took me back to Singapore and Korea.
It was…incredibly shaming for me to go back. I was excited to return because I had not been back to either countries ever since I immigrated to America in 2001. But at that time, I was definitely not…at an ideal condition.
See, this was me in Korea with my brother, summer of 2006:
And that is actually the more flattering picture I could find. *Shudder*.
The first year when I first arrived in America, I missed my hometown so much that I would write short stories about my return back “home.”
They were extremely detailed—I even jotted down exactly what I was wearing, where I would go, the things I would say to my old friends. I also added a section in which I would totally mesmerize my old crush with my cool new American accent and fashionable clothes, and then totally snub him in revenge for choosing my best friend instead (yeah, total juvenile middle school drama).
Obviously, none of that happened when I arrived in Singapore in summer of 2006.
I had to wear loose, totally uncool clothes that covered most parts of my body to hide my emaciation. I only met a few of my friends because I didn’t want them to see me like this. And hell no, I certainly was not going to meet my old crush and prove how right he was to fall for someone else!
Anyway. That summer seemed in a way…a total waste of a trip. All I really did was make people worried for me. My grandfather started sobbing the moment he saw me. Seriously, I made an old man cry. How damning is that?
But…I clearly remember several instances when I felt a sharp prick inside me. 
As I watched my old friends talk about their future plans, I noticed how much prettier they’ve gotten. I saw the rosy glow in their cheeks despite Singapore’s humidity. I also, excuse the superficiality, realized how much their fashion sense has improved. Nobody wore black strappy sandals or shorts with white ankle socks.
I felt distinctly, for the first time, a suffocation. I’m being throttled by ED, I realized with shock.
I saw, before my very eyes, what ED had robbed from me. I could have been like them. I could have come back to Singapore and Korea glowing with health, dressed like a smart sophisticated woman with happy news to share about her recent acceptance to Northwestern.
Instead, I was making excuses as to why I couldn’t eat certain things. I got antsy before every event, wondering what food they would serve. I smiled, but I wanted to burst into tears all the time.
I remember one time, when my family, and all the relatives at my dad’s side gathered together at my grandfather’s house. My brother showed a slideshow of my graduation ceremony. He even added a soft music into the background. 
Slides after slides, there were pictures of me with my friends. I had several honor cords hanging about my neck. I was holding an honors diploma. I was ready to attend one of the top universities in America. I was, essentially, a Korean parent’s dream student.
But none of my relatives were looking at the honor cords, or the diploma. They were all looking enviously at my friends standing beside me. My healthy, full-figured friends, who might not have an honors diploma, but whose future seemed so much brighter than mine. Suddenly, the music in the background no longer seemed upbeat; it sounded downright tragic.
My grandfather turned and said to me, “One day you’ll be healthy too.” But I knew he said it out of wistfulness, and a gradually flickering hope as he watched me struggle with my parents in a silent battle during dinner an hour later.
That summer seemed utterly meaningless to me at that present moment.
But now, as I think back to it, I realize that it was actually a rare period when the cold truth of how much I was missing in life because of ED dawned on me in concrete ways.
It was a highly unpleasant realization. But it did effect a change…at least for a while.
When I got back home to Northern Virginia that summer, I started panicking that I did not have enough time to recover before college. I made a few changes. I ate a bit more.
But unfortunately, the impact made during my trip was not big enough. Slowly, as the days crept by and I found myself unable to make real drastic changes, the negative image of ED slipped out of my consciousness.
The problem? I lost sight of the enemy. Faced with the second-by-second obsessions and anxieties, I just couldn’t keep up my fighting energy against the enemy, who so cunningly became invisible at the times I most needed to stay focused.
Instead, the enemy somehow just became my parents, who exasperatedly warned me, day after day, that I needed to clean up my act before college.
They’re stifling you, the True Enemy slithered its deceiving tongue into my ear. They’re preventing you from recovering the way you want. But don’t worry. Once you’re in college…you can do what you want. Just persist till college…persist till college…
And thus, that became my mantra: Persist Till College. And by “persist” I meant give half-hearted attempts to recovery, because obviously, my parents didn’t have a clue what recovery should be like!
Once I get into college, I told myself, I’ll start “real recovery.”
I’ll eat what I want, when I want, how I want. And I’ll gain the weight. I’ll show my parents that all I really needed was some space. A change in environment.
That’s all I need to jumpstart my recovery, I was sure of it. Freedom. And change.
Well I can assure you. That’s not what happened. That’s not what happened at all.
Things to Ponder:
1) What has ED stolen from you?
2) When did you clearly started to grasp the fact that ED is a cheater, a liar, a robber, a wrecker, a tempter, and a murderer?
3) When is/was it hardest for you to focus on who the true enemy is?
Related posts:
{ 32 comments… read them below or add one }
I definitely did my fair share of turning my parents into the enemy while I was in recovery. There were so many times when I freaked out at my dad for adding a touch of olive oil to a dish and just got so frustrated all the time for trying to intervene and not understanding. When really, the enemy was all in my own head. It’s so hard to really commit to recovery but it’s shaky and unsteady and unsure, whereas ED is all about control. But it’s something that definitely NEEDS to be done…otherwise you’ll never really get there. Great post Sophia!
I know this may sound weird, but I think the real turning point in my recovery was finding the world of ‘recovery blogs’ and then eventually starting my own. I finally was faced with a lot more questions, and answers, and basically everything I’d been denying up until that point. It really made me start to get my life back together.
i love the way you’re doing this series. it keeps me begging for more. i want to know all of your story Sophia, and i’m excited every week!
anyway, all those pictures make me incredibly sad, although i know that you are not there anymore, it’s still sad to see you suffering so deeply.
sometimes i still have days when i get confused about “the real enemy”. days when i side with my ED instead of my treatment team, and walk into therapy with my head saying “don’t listen to her, you don’t NEED to eat lunch, come on, she doesn’t care about you”
but thankfully, although when it happens that voice sounds SO CONVINCING, those days are becoming fewer and farther between, and sometimes when it happens i recognize that it’s happening and can see the way out of it.
thanks for sharing. hope you’re having a great end to your weekend!
xo
rose
My edcompletelystole the fall semester of my sophomore year of college. I spent it hiding in the library, and giving in to my ed over and over again. I made me a terrible friend, and a very selfish person.
I first realized what life without ed could be like when I was about to leave for a commuity service spring break trip in Chili. You see, the health center almost didn’t let me go, because my blood sugar test came back dangerously low. I was allowed to go, and had an amazing 2 weeks ed free in Chili. It was amazing. I ate what everyone else ate. I thrived. I had fun. I lived!
It’s hard to focus on the true enemy when people actually want to meet up with me or spend time with me. I panic. I want to seek comfort in my old ways. But I know exactly where the anxiety is coming from. With this knowledge, I can attempt to calm myself down. I grow stronger each and every time!
oh how i know how you feel. my ED stole so much from me and the experiences i should have had in college. i still hate college because of how i treated it with my ED. going to australia made me focus on how much it was ruining me and killing me from the inside out.
GOSHHH you are amazing! I’m always so awed at HOW far you have frickin come!! its something you should be SO SOO SOOO proud of!!!!!! Recovery really clicked for me when i realized how much of a danger I was in due to my health! after that, things got really hard and I started realizing how bad my ED actually was, i was in denial for so soo sooo long. I’m glad you have had so much support from your family <3
My eating disorder definitely stole years of my life and it stole ME. It stole who I am as a person and muted me down to an empty shell, something that I came to see as a pathetic version of myself. I was so disgusted with myself, and once I realized that what I was feeling was self disgust (and no, I was NOT in control) I saw the disorder for the ugly conniving thing that it is. The worst part is that didn’t make it easier to recover, and now I still have to be “food focused” because of the ill health that was partially caused by the abuse my body went through all those years. So essentially, my eating disorder also robbed me of my long term health. All I can do now is focus on healing and try to enjoy my life, and hopefully help other people. I think that reading your story and this entire series is helping a lot of people, so thank you so much for being brave enough to share something so deeply personal.
ED stole relationships, my college life, my confidence, among so much more.
never will i go back
you are such an amazing person sophia
I think it’s funny that you question whether or not you were fighting, because it’s quite clear that you were. You were facing so many battles, and unfortunately, with EDs, the battle is never really won, is it?
Great post. Recovering from an ED is hard because it’s too easy get sidetracked in other things. Here’s my 2 cents…
1) What has ED stolen from you?
Identity. Once you have an ED, you become food obsessed. Every waking second if devouted to thinking about food. Not only does this make you plan an entire life (and lose so many oppertunities for social interaction, ect.) around eating, not eating, excercise, and thinking about those three things, but it lies to you in giving you “hope.” The only thing you look forward to becomes food, which always will let you down. The worst part is you have to constantly confront that challenge to physically recover, and just when you’re ready to be “done” with the pleasure component of food, you HAVE to realize that halfhearted attempts at “making up the calories” won’t suffice.
2) When did you clearly started to grasp the fact that ED is a cheater, a liar, a robber, a wrecker, a tempter, and a murderer?
At different stages. With where I’m at now, only very recently.
3) When is/was it hardest for you to focus on who the true enemy is?
When I’m actually distracted to the point where I can put food in the back of my mind. These are perfect chances for recovery, but oftentimes I’ll just reason that, “oh well, didn’t really excercise today, but don’t feel hungry, so whatever I’ll just save it for another day.” Like I said, you have to come to grips that food is a medecine and not always a gift.
I really love your ability to be honest about yourself. When I read your series, you seem like such a powerful person, it’s just amazing to read.
1. ED took time away from me. I missed out on so many things that I’ll never be able experience because I was consumed by my thoughts of food and numbers. I also isolated myself so much that I lost friendships.
2. A few times and I let myself be sucked back in nearly every time. I didn’t matter to me that I was hurting others, I was so self obsessed it makes me so ashamed now.
3. I found it hardest whenever I was asked to do something outside of my, then, tiny comfort zone. Going out for coffee, staying out over mealtimes, something not being in the grocery store…it all made it so hard for me to see that I was doing the right thing and that I was fighting ED not myself.
Thanks again for the series! xxx
Hi Sophia
this struck a chord for me because I had a similar realisation two years ago. It was when my eating disorder got so bad that I had to drop out of university (for the third time, grr) that I suddenly realised that the ED was an illness, not something any real part of me wanted. Once I realised that I started fighting it, and since then it has been a million times easier to stay healthy – after 13 years of being ill as well. So I relate to this a lot, knowing who your enemy is essential!
ED stole life from me, but I STOLE IT BACK!!
It’s so brave of you to share this series! I’m really enjoying reading it.
This is wonderful of you to write up your story and showed to the public. I’m so glad I met you over the cyberspace!
Whenever life seems out of control or overwhelming, then it’s hard to remember that Ed is the true enemy. I’ve been very overwhelmed lately by all I have to do and the days when I’ve been really overwhelmed it’s been hard to stay on track recovery wise. Like another blogger pointed, having my own recovery blog has really helped me not give up. Not nearly as many people visit my blog as visit yours, but still I feel an awful sense of responsibility to my followers. I am known as a positive role model in my community for people with mental illness-I would hate to give up and let so many people down.
I have very few pictures of me when I was sick. It was a nearly a decade “stolen” from me (again, shudder). I refused to have pictures taken of me. A few months ago, I was playing around on my dad’s computer and I found my prom pictures! I looks awful. My dress was awesome though. designed it myself because a friend of my dad’s is a dress designer but I was like a hanger in it! No wonder I had such a hard time finding a date. But I always wanted to “be better” and I’d always delay things, saying, “o well, I’l get around to doing that when I’m better” or “I cant do that now, but I’ll do it once I get better”. But year after year and I was still the same pathetic weight. I decided I just couldnt do it alone and thats when I went to treatment. To give me that “kickstart”. I dont look at ED as the enemy. Enemies are energy drainers. So instead, its a person a I see but choose not to acknowledge. ED’s are not worth my energy. I dont want to go into war, because my whole ED was a war and I’m tired of it.
Another great post. This really should all be put into a book at some point, when you have wrapped up the series. As for ED and me, I think I missed a good year of high school where I just don’t remember much. Not sure how I kept up the grades and did sports. The turning point for me was a threat that I could not go to camp if I did not get better. I guess I knew all along there was a problem, so I knew that I did need to get better. It took a nice threat of removing the one thing I was looking forward to all year and i quickly followed all the treatment plans my PA set for me (Yes, the PA and I am not sure looking back now she was equipped to help other than with threats and weekly weigh ins). I don’t talk about it often, but your series greats a safe place to share. I am thankfully much better now and enjoy my job as a dietitian helping others learn about good nutrition the right way.
it is amazing to see how you have gone from having such a negative relationship with food to one that is so positive and beautiful! you are truly an inspiration sophia
.
Your journey to health is so inspiring! I can definitely relate with your struggles. My ED stole my friends from me, as I was always avoiding anything that had to do with eating.
Hi Sophia! Very glad I found your blog~wowww thank you sooo much for sharing your story and being so painstakingly honest with your readers…I know many have been blessed as have I. Praise God that He’s been healing you!! He’s so good eh?
Where in Socal do you live?! How exciting! All the bloggers I know are far away! haha, but I’m in Socal as well 
Sophia, you should be soo proud of yourself, you look amazing now in comparison to those photos! Hurray for you!
I’ve not had an ED (enough other problems), though my vegan diet has my family convinced I do. Plus I find researching nutrition and cooking quite fascinating. You do look much healthier now than in your old photos. So this cashier that used to work at the grocery store near my place, she was Asian, she wasn’t overweight, but she had this neck that was kind of like double chin, but more like six chins or something, and when she looked at me it was like those drawings of Bodhisattva ladies with that kind of neck. But she was so sexy and glowing with this crazy radiant energy. Am I too weird?
Sophia, thank you so much for this.
I hate to admit my weakness, but I want you to know that this series of yours is one of my main forms of inspiration now that I am in university. Yes, it’s been really great for my recovery, but it’s also been brutally hard. I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t have slip ups here and there. I’ve definitely realized how easy it would be for me to slip back into the sorry state I was in last year. Your posts keep me going, and I really mean that.
I didn’t fully grasp how much was taken away from me until I got here. I realize how important school is to me, learning things every day and interacting with people. I was away from it all for so long that it was as if I had forgotten how great it felt. I suppose that’s just one more reason for me to keep on trucking, eh?
Sophia, this has to be some of the most powerful stuff I’ve seen written, what an incredible piece. I have thankfully, never suffered from ED or known anyone to have suffered, but if I do, I want to share with them your powerful words. You are just one incredible woman and I am lucky to know you.
You are an inspiration.
ED has stolen almost everything from me.
When I saw the photo I thought: a picture is worth a thousand words. But then I read what you wrote and realized it is not true. It may have a stronger initial impact, but your words, feelings and honesty describe your battle in such a deep and intimate way, that I am sure you are helping others.
you’re such a good writer Sophia
My doctor says I’m underweight and I was a vegan as well. She uses that as a basis for me having an eating disorder. Today, I continue to fight my case against this doctor. Hopefully I’ll prove the doctor wrong someday. Every appointment I’ve gone to, she referred to me as a, “underweight, eating-disordered boy”. She does nothing to fix the problem except accusing me of having an eating disorder and threatening to lock me in the hospital even though I’m fine.
1) What has ED stolen from you?
My friends.
My money and time.
My scholarship.
My family’s trust.
My love and enjoyment of holidays, cooking with gramma.
My understanding of what a healthy full feels like.
The ability to digest properly
Pretty skin, long healthy hair, muscle tone from years of cross country…gone.down.the.drain. I have to rebuild everything.
2) When did you clearly started to grasp the fact that ED is a cheater, a liar, a robber, a wrecker, a tempter, and a murderer?
Pictures speak volumes. Looking at pictures from visiting my gramma, family vacaions.
Thinking of how much I truly miss my friends, and my ex, the love of life, my highschool sweetheart, the guy I was supposed to marry. I shut him out, our relationship crumbled because of ED. He is gone, happily engaged to another and there is nothing I can say or do to bring our relationship back, although we’ll always be ‘friends’
I would be graduating college by now if I hadn’t let ED control. Seeing my brother, who was never the all out balls to the wall honor roll super student destined to do great things type surpass me, get his degree, land a sweet job, grow up gracefully. am very proud of him and I love him much, but it’s shameful to be so behind. Bleh. I have to keep reminding myself that recovering… it’s a process…….not overnight. Your blog has helped immensely.
3) When is/was it hardest for you to focus on who the true enemy is?
When my parents finally stopped controlling what i ate/when i ate/how much i ate ¬ letting my leave their sight during meals (about a month ago). they weren’t what I was fighting anymore. the sudden realization that it was ON ME. I’m about to turn 21, and i have to grow up, become self sufficient, finish school, have a career, make friends, develop a normal relationship, get married, be happy, make babies….the things the rest of my friends i graduated highschool with are doing. i want so desperately to have life back.
Dear Ashley, thank you for all your wonderful, thoughtful, honest comments. It sounds like you’ve certainly been through a lot of ED loops, and it’s burned you pretty badly. But please have hope…there might be some burn marks, but you will still come out of it the stronger, and the scars will be a thing of pride and beauty.
If you ever need to talk or just share your story or something, you can always email me.