** Once again, this is an ongoing series I’m doing every weekend about my story with eating disorders. If you’re just joining us and would like to catch up, you can take a peek at the previous installments:
1) Acceptance
Please take note that I am not an expert, and I speak from only my own personal experiences, and that not every person suffering from an eating disorder may have the same opinions as I do…which is why I would love if anyone could chime in and add more depth and levels to my words. **
After my last Weekend ED post, I thought it would be helpful and interesting to get a loved one’s point of view. Thus I sent an email with some questions for my dad. Since he is more comfortable with Korean, he wrote back in Korean. I’ve translated his answers below to the best I can:
1) When I was first diagnosed at the hospital with anorexia, what was your first reaction? Did you suspect anything beforehand?
When you were first hospitalized, you were xx lbs. Of course we knew something was severely wrong with you beforehand. How could we, as parents who love and think about you all day, not know something was up with our daughter? The truth is that ever since your period stopped, your mother had been worrying about you.
So why didn’t we force you to the hospital?
- I knew that there would be no use if I were to force you against your will to the hospital. At that time, your mentality was: “I would rather die than eat.” Thus your mother and I were absolutely helpless. Remember, we tried a few times to talk to you about this but you always closed yourself up further. Thus we knew all we could do was to just wait for you to be ready to recover, because we knew that the more we pushed recovery at you, the more you’ll resist.
- I knew that whatever has control over you…was not a physical thing. We couldn’t take you to the doctor and get you some pills and everything will go away. We knew it is a spiritual and mental disorder, one which no physical doctor can heal. That’s why for the time being, all we could do was pray for you. We prayed for you every single day with tears in our eyes.
- We believe that God knew and understood your condition even more intricately than us as your parents. We knew that God loves you, and is with you, and we knew that He was the only doctor who could completely heal your spirit.
*My mother chimes in through a phone conversation*:
“We had never, ever experienced an eating disorder case before. We had never seen anyone with an eating disorder, nor do we know anyone within our community who even knows somebody with an eating disorder. The only encounter we had with an eating disorder case was by reading an article on a Korean newspaper which listed some eating disorder symptoms.
When I read that, I was aghast by how similar those symptoms were to yours. But I couldn’t exactly diagnose you myself…especially because I still knew so little about eating disorders, and I just could not believe that you would want to starve yourself for the sake of being skinny. Ever since young you’ve always been underweight and you know our desire was always for you to gain more weight…so why in the world would you deliberately try to lose weight? I just couldn’t understand that at all.
It wasn’t until you went to the hospital and the doctors medically diagnosed you with anorexia, that I was absolutely certain; but even then, I knew next to nothing about this disease.”
2) How, when, and why did you come to "accept" the news of my eating disorder?
We’ve always accepted whatever that happened and will happen to you. We know God loves and cares for you even more than we do. We knew God is present in every detail of your life. We trusted Him to have a purpose and plan for whatever that may happen to you, as He does in this case. So we believed that His good will shall be revealed, and that He will treat you Himself personally.
3) What was the toughest thing you had to deal with during my eating disordered days?
- When your weight kept dropping drastically before our very eyes
- When you still insisted on exercising even though you were so emaciated
- When we discovered that you make yourself throw up at times
- Especially, the fact that we, as parents who are supposed to nurture you, are eating when you couldn’t. Your mom would specially prepare something delicious in hopes that you would eat, but all the food would end up inside us instead of you. That agonized us so much.
- When your natural beauty started fading away.
- When we saw you so full of self-hatred, losing the brightness in your eyes,cheating yourself and others.
- When we watched you gradually lose your physical looks, your social life, your academic life, your hope, your self-confidence…
- When we knew how much you needed comfort and encouragement and hope, yet we were unable to give that to you because we ourselves were weak and despairing…
4) What was the hardest thing for you to understand about my struggles?
We couldn’t understand why you just couldn’t gain the weight, even though you were at the brinks of death, had lost everything, and were obviously trying so hard to recover. Why was being thin so important that you would be willing to give up your life for it? Was being thin even more important than health? Was it more precious than blossoming into a beautiful young woman? Was it more important than glorifying God? Was it better than the respect and admiration of others?
These were the questions that constantly badgered us. We just could not understand that. It was like you were a royal bride willing to give up her throne as Queen and her beloved Prince Charming just so you can hold on to your worthless wedding dress. It was maniacal and confounding.
5) During those times when I failed you, lied to you, and betrayed your trust…how did you maintain your faith in my recovery?
We truly believed that this disease was just a temporary condition, and that God will heal you. We believed that nothing is impossible for God.
All we could do was to trust in Him, and be patient with you…no matter how long it took for God to do His healing work. It was this principle, underlying knowledge and trust that kept our faith strong even during your weakest moments.
6) Was it hard to distinguish me, as a person, from ED?
Anyone who looked at you, would see ED. You were a face of death: empty eyes and sunken cheeks and ghostly complexion.
But we knew who you were. You’re not just our daughter. You are a beloved child of God, a precious, unique being in this world. We never lost sight of that, even while you were acting completely inhumanely.
7) What, in your opinion, is most critical to success in recovery?
Faith, hope, love, and trust.
Faith that you can be healed.
Hope that good things await you.
Accept God’s love, self-love, and love from others.
Trust in God’s purpose and plan in your suffering.
**Psst. And then my dad became a pastor again and gave a sermon, so I’ll just share the few verses he listed for me…**
<Gal 2:20> “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer liver, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”
<Phil 1:20-21> “I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, to live Christ and to die is gain.”
<Phil 3:7-14> “[May I have] a righteousness that comes through faith in Christ…Not that I have…already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me…One thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”
8 ) What do you think would have been different if I did not have my eating disorder?
You would have blossomed into a beautiful, healthy young woman with a successful career, and hopefully engaged to a fine young (Korean) man. But…you probably would not have deep understanding of what life means, or what suffering means. You would not have been able to completely empathize with others’ problems.
But if through your eating disorder, you got the chance to know and experience God as a real, living person, and received a genuine understanding of life…then I believe that this eating disorder gave you something even more precious than anything in the world…and great things are in store for you.
9) How has my eating disorder changed you, personally?
- I myself got healed in many areas through constant prayers and persistence within deep anguish. I truly give thanks for that.
- As a pastor and counselor, I began to understand and empathize more with the people who came to me with their various problems and sufferings.
- I got to develop my faith and experience in God’s eternal covenant clearer.
- I received deeper insights for my messages and testimonies, and gained more power and conviction in comforting those who went through similar traumas.
10) If you could go back in time, to about 6 years ago, before I had my ED…Would you do anything different to prevent me from having ED? Do you believe you could have changed anything? I suppose your mother and my prayers for you would have been more detailed. We would have talked to you more, and tried to understand your thoughts and your world more. We would also have taught you deeper about God and life, and have asked you to pray with us together more often. Still, I think this “problem” is not really a problem. It was a necessary catalyst for all of us—you, your brother, your mother and I—to grow and learn more during the progress of our lives. Questions to Ponder: 1) If you could ask your loved ones questions regarding your issues…what would you like to ask them? 2) Are there any questions you would be afraid to ask? 3) Have you talked to your loved ones about your issues in depth before? 
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{ 47 comments… read them below or add one }
You are truly amazing, as is your family. These answers are so insightful and could be so helpful to many others going through the same thing. My ED is so long ago that I honestly don’t even remember some things about it. I must say that as a result of struggling, I am a lot more in touch with myself and others.
This is a really powerful series, and I hope that each day brings you healing and acceptance.
I’ve been reading this entire series from the start, and I must say it is so intriguing. You are such a strong person to put this all out here for us. I hope that someone who is struggling reads this and makes some changes.
I love love LOVE your blog! I can’t say that enough! You are awesome.
This is awesome – your dad is so wise with his words
i loved this part “I believe that this eating disorder gave you something even more precious than anything in the world…”
I know that as much as my whole mess hurt me, it made me a better, stronger person. I had some very different causes than you but I know that having my eating disorder forced me to challenge my demons, not just ignore them and merely get by. I had to fight through it. And as much as it sucks, it helped me so so much. I wouldn’t be who I am today without it. And who I am is awesome.
I think you’re freaking awesome, too.
Sophia,
It’s really brave of you to ask your parents about their experience. I have thought about asking my friends and family so that I could get a better idea of what an eating disorder is like from a different perspective, but I don’t think I’m ready to hear it yet.
Your entire family’s Faith is so inspiring, and I am so glad God has helped you through this.
Clare
you know i dont know any other korean person with anorexia and i even watched a documentary about a girl in korea and they blurred her face because she felt so ashamed. your parents are amazing though, and after reading this i realized that all koreans from korea aren’t so judgmental.
As my mom puts it, she doesn’t like “talky talky”. I have talked to my therapist when I was seeing her about my mom and about talking to my mom in depth about my ed and about myself in general. My therapist told me to be ready to accept the fact that my mom might not be capable of accepting these things or talking about them. And I know this is true now. I have tried to talk to my mom, but she doesn’t open up.
My parents both have their own food issues, which is completely evident in how often they talk about going on diets and how they lose control around sweets and other foods. They believe that my ed was just a little phase or just a sensitive tummy.
It was a little hard to read this post and to see how involved your parents were in your recovery and how open they are to learn about it. You are lucky. So blessed.
I’m so sorry your parents weren’t always so involved in your recovery, Astrid. And for that I really admire you…it must have been doubly hard. But even without all the “talky talky”, I’m sure your parents’ love for you is the same…and there will be others out there willing to listen to you.
Like me. Anytime you want to talk, you know who to call, email, msg, whatever.
Astrid, I know how you feel about your mom. My parents were both raised in India and, at first, their biggest concern with my eating disorder was that it would be “the talk of the town”.
Perhaps your mom wants it to be a phase or a sensitive tummy because then her little girl isn’t suffering so much. I know with my mom, anytime I try to talk to her about my disorder or how I hate myself, she gets mad. One time I asked her why and I still remember what she said…”Because it hurts me so much that you’re hurting and I don’t know what to do.” She said my pain made her a failure.
I’m sure your mom does care. But everyone cares differently. Hang in there!
this is profound sophia. you know what i found so uplifiting? that your father outlined so many…blessings that this awful trial brought.
God is so so so so great.
i would like to interview people in my life with these questions some day.
Wow. I just cant believe how understanding, and supportive your parents are. Thats just incredible.
With all due respect to your parents, I disagree with what they said about what you would be like without an ED. You DID blossom into a beautiful, healthy young woman!
I did a similar interview with my dad about my eating disorder too! http://edenseats.wordpress.com/2010/08/17/dyi-whey-daddy-interview-and-giveaway-winner/ Supportive parents are so important and you are lucky to have a pair that love and support you unconditionally.
I love how my dad handled everything. I am always afraid that if by some miracle I decide to have kids, that they will self destruct like I did. Its a horrible thing to see you offspring slowly kill themselves. I’m thankful my dad and I are open with one another that I’ve already asked all the questions I want to ask.
Anyhow, totally unrelated…….are you ready to let you “hair” down???
The depth of your family’s love for you is both inspiring and heart breakingly beautiful. As always thank you for sharing even more of your story and theirs with us.
Wow, such inspirational faith! I love that your dad quoted bible verses in his email- my dad would do the same! He’s a pastor and he frequently goes into sermon mode, it’s funny.
I never talked to my parents in detail about it. I guess because I had moved home and got married when recovery started so I talked to my husband more. My mum kept it a secret from her family though, which I always found strange. Ah well!
Hope you’re having a great weekend. xoxox
Wow that made powerful reading…in fact I think it’s very brave to actually ask your parents for their side of the story…it’s scary to hear how the illness impacts on those around you, and I am often plagued with guilt over how I’ve upset those closest to me. It is wonderful to see that no matter what, your parents still saw you inside.
Sarah x
I’d really, really like to ask my mother if she knew what I was going through or if she was in denial…or if she even will acknowledge to herself the extent of what it was. I remember my mom saying to me in the car once that she was so impressed with my “initiative and discipline” in losing weight. She hated that I wasn’t a thin kid, and the fact that I just lost weight out of nowhere really pleased her. She had an ED herself that I don’t know if she ever totally recovered from, so I’m not sure what her thoughts on my situation were. I think your relationship with your parents is incredible…my dad is wonderful but I don’t think he realizes the power of disordered thoughts. For that reason, though I’ve opened up to him, I keep the really bad stories to myself…I don’t think he’d understand, just worry. It seems like your parents feel the same way most parents do- they just can’t understand the logic behind starving oneself, which, let’s face it, no one can until you’re in that situation. Thank you for sharing your story- these posts always make me think!
This was the most emotional (for me) post that you’ve yet to write in this series, Sophia. I’ve learned a lot from you about the realities of eating disorders, but it’s rarely discussed from a loved ones point of view. All struggles in life affect not only us but those around us, but for some reason this is not often talked about. Your father’s words were touching and honest. I see where you get your courage and strength of character.
I really love how insightful and understanding your parents seem about everything. Its very touching to see how how much they embrace it as something with a positive outcome, and its really inspiring. Your father must be a great pastor – it sounds like he is both a very intelligent and humble man. I can see where you get it from now.
So much of what your Dad said was both poignant and wise. It’s admirable and stirring to see that he maintained his faith in you no matter what, and always differentiated his daughter from the eating disorder that was plaguing her soul, mind and body.
I do talk to my parents about my issues quite a lot, probably more than I should! It stresses them out hugely and I feel extremely guilty for not being able to keep my feelings and tears to myself: I’d rather put on a happy front at least for them. It’s complicated further by the fact that they have their own issues with eating, either anorexia (Mum) or overeating (Dad)…so conversations around food are inevitably loaded with tension.
Huge thanks to your Dad for contributing to this post!
I loved reading this post by your dad-his faith is amazing. I still wonder how he knew you were going to get well, when so many others die of this disease. I know he says it’s his faith in God, but don’t those other people matter to God too? This is an issue I struggle with. I think it’s great that your parents have been so supportive. My parents are very supportive too, although sometimes it is hard for me not to get a little resentful and wish that they could have done something earlier. That being said, I think we both have benefited from our eating disorders and have become better people because of it. I thank God for that, at least.
What a great way to voice this. I never really thought how impactful it could be to hear how it could effect our loved ones. This was such a great idea to interview your dad.
Wow – what a beautiful post! I wish my dad was as empathic and understanding! By he isn’t, unfortunately. I’ve tried to talk to him for around 10 years now, but he still doesn’t get the point, he doesn’t listen, and he keeps telling me that I should exert myself more, and that I make him sad. With my mom it’s different, she is very kind and I feel very close to her, but she’s also very tender, so I’m reluctant to burden her too much. I know I’m her vulnerable point. When I was very low, she got breast cancer, and last week (when I was still at home and suffering from my dad’s claims and utterings) she had a sudden hear loss. I really can’t speak to my parents openly. I see my therapist instead.
Wow, this was very interesting to hear the “other side” of an eating disorder. While I don’t think everyone has been blessed with as much understanding as your parents seemed to have, it’s always good to have that strong support from the people we love.
I don’t think I’ve ever had a very deep conversation about my ED with my mom. We use to fight about it more than anything, but I think it was just something she never really seemed to understand, and I never really knew the right way to explain it, so we just didn’t talk about it. Fortunately having her understand completely, wasn’t imparitive for me to recover on my own. I knew she was there for me, and would have done anything in her means to see me well again, no matter if it involved fighting and forcing me, even if that wouldn’t have worked anyway! Lol!
Sophia this post to, I believe quote you, is “freaking awesome” It is so powerful and the love of you dad and mom just rings through. It also tells the pain anguish that goes on behind that people cannot understand. I hope people that are in this situation can read this as I think it can only help them understand what others are going through. I never have, but I think you’ve taken me a step closer to appreciating what is really involved.
Sometimes we are so wrapped up in our own “dysfunction” that it’s difficult to see that we are not the only ones in pain. This is a wonderful perspective to appreciate how our actions affect those who love us.
Sophia, my parents and I tune in for your ED series religiously together. My mom usually reads it out-loud for the three of us. Today she weeps. She nods along to each one of your dad’s statements, fears and feelings. I guess our struggle is universal and so is theirs. The pain of a parents watching their child desintegrate before their eyes must be… well, a nightmare.
Thank you for another amazing post..
Hugs,
M
Sophia, this is so amazing to have your dad’s perspective. You have some pretty amazing parents
Sophia, your dad’s words brought tears to my eyes. I am amazed by his strength and his ability to maintain a positive perspective during such difficult times. It’s SO apparent that his faith is strong…And when a person’s faith is strong, they can endure anything.
“God loves you, and is with you, and we knew that He was the only doctor who could completely heal your spirit…” <—So true!
I'm a firm believer that as hellish as ED's are, they're truly a blessing in disguise from God…My experiences LED me to Him and made me 100 times stronger than I was before. I am eternally grateful for that.
Your father is truly eloquent and loving. Of course, that is why he is a pastor! I’m sure if I could have chosen, I probably would have wanted to be born into a Christian family like yours.
Wow, this is such a powerful post. It’s truly eye-opening as to what your parents were going through. It sounds like they are pretty amazing people…you are richly blessed, Sophia!
What an amazing post! I know you have probably discussed this with your dad before, but I imagine it was still hard to read his responses. I know with my own parents we rarely ever talk about it anymore because I have really moved on since high school. Your father provides such great insight into how ED is for someone on the other side. You are lucky for the support and love you have from your family.
What a truly touching post. I know it is probably not easy letting us into such a personal part of your life. I loved your father’s answer to having success in recovery: Faith, hope, love, and trust. I would have to agree.
Thank you for getting so personal with all of us. It takes a lot of courage to be so open and honest about it all. I am pretty open with my husband about my ‘disordered eating,’ but my mom doesn’t really know about it. She knows I have issues, but I’ve never gone into any details with her. I just wouldn’t feel comfortable telling her about it. I do confide in my mother in law though as she has had issues herself so she can relate. Anyway, just wanted stop by and say hello. I don’t believe I have ever commented, but am a big fan! Take care!
Sophia–
you have such incredibly Godly parents. They have incredible faith in God. You are soo blessed!!!
Reading this is incredible. Heartbreaking, heartwarming, scary, interesting. I suffered from an ED too. I have a strange love/hate relationship with food still, but am MUCH better. MUCH.
I think you are brave to ask these questions… or I’m too scared not to. I am really not sure what questions I would be afraid to ask my parents about the whole ordeal/time in our lives. The fact that I am even apprehensive about writing down the questions makes me question some of my “recovered” state.
Thank you for doing this series.
This is cool. Reading your dad’s point of view, I could feel his confusion and pain. Having never dealt personally with an ED, sometimes I don’t know what to say to people who have. I really appreciate your honesty in the things you and your family went through.
I was in an emotionally controlling relationship which was really hard on me and my family. I’ve talked a little about it with my mom, but sometimes it’s hard to re-live those experiences. Luckily, I was able to work through my insecurities and the damage it has caused so it hardly affects my life anymore.
This made me tear up. It’s obvious how much you are loved. Your parents seem so sweet!
I am astonished by you and your family’s ability to share this raw and intimate information with us. It’s so informative and educational. Thank you so much for sharing!
I love this!!!!! How awesome are your parents? And to openly share with the world that’s just amazing. Your dad is a special man, I can see that.
This is so interesting, to see it from their perspective. I think it is very healthy that they can now process it openly with you. Does it seem like they’re talking about someone else?
I hope that if this happens to my daughter that I will know how to help, but I suspect it is very hard to know what that entails.
Do you wish they had been more forceful about it? Would it have helped? or did they do it right in your opinion?
Hm, that’s an interesting question, Mariko.
I do not think it would have helped at all if they had been forceful. Actually, there was a period when they were very strict about my meal plans, etc…and it not only didn’t help, it made me go through a fake recovery. When I gained the weight and just couldn’t deal with it, I got very bitter. There was a period when I got so embittered towards my parents and God that I moved out. And I relapsed and lost even more weight than ever.
It is definitely a very tough ordeal to go through, esp for my parents who just couldn’t do anything but pray for me. But in the end, I think their prayers were answered. I thank them for their faith and strength every single day.
sophia, i love reading your parents (or dads’) responses.
every word is just OVERFLOWING with his adoration for you and it just makes me so happy to read and see that so clearly. plus, he’s a very insightful man and seems to really really understand the questions you ask him.
Your father sounds like a very wonderful man. I’ve never really had an in-depth conversation with my own mother about my eating disorder, but we do talk openly and honestly about it and I feel like her perspective is similar to your father’s. She never took me to the hospital.. and she never forced me to eat. She told me after I finally started to recover that she knew it was out of her control, and that she had to have faith that God was looking out for me and I would decide to change before it was too late.
I think this is why I am so religious now. I was kind of on the fence before about my christianity, but pulling myself out of that horrible physical state made me realize that God truly was guiding me. My mom’s no pastor… but she was definitely onto something!
Are there any I am afraid to ask? Not really. I tend to stray away from questions that would require a response including how heartbroken she was, because I always feel so horrible about how much I stressed her out during that time.
Great post Sophia!
… and thanks for the comment the other day. I am doing really well at university. You were right, it’s EXACTLY what I needed!!
I’ve been wanting to update, but I am literally swamped with work and trying to make friends so the blog is being put on the back burner. Hopefully I will return before the end of the term
Thinking of you… and now I am off to read your next post! Haha.
Hm… did my comment not go through, or do you need to approve them first? o_O
O my goodness~I’m so blessed by how beautiful and godly your parents are! God’s love and light just shines through them! And I know He’s using you to bless and convict many hearts <3
I’m bawling as I read this. your parents are a Beautiful Blessing. YOU are a Beautiful Blessing. The fact that you shared this with the world is so incredible. I admire your fathers wisdom and I wonder what responses my father would give to these very same questions. I’m wondering if i’m ready to find out. I’ll keep you updated.
In the 2nd Corinthians, Paul describes a thorn in his flesh; three times he asks God to remove it, however, the Lord tells him to rest in His power.
Cor. 12:9-10
God: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness”.
Paul: Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, Then I am strong.
Your dad was right on the money. We go through these things so that we can become stronger, bonded eternally to our Maker.
Your blog is delightfully painful and healing at the same time. Once again, I love you, thank you. God bless you.