My dad called me this morning while I was still in bed, reluctant to get up.
He was calling me on his cell phone and sounding a bit breathless, so I knew he was out on a walk.
“It’s New Year’s eve!” he boomed. “I’d like you to email me some of your prayer topics for the new year by 3 p.m. this afternoon. I’m going to take your prayers to the New Year’s Eve service tonight and the whole church is going to pray for each other.”
“Okay,” I mumbled groggily, and hung up.
To be completely honest. I haven’t been feeling much like thinking about New Year resolutions. Some things have caused me to feel rather down lately, things that made me doubt myself as a person.
I remembered that last year’s resolution was to be a more “beautiful person.” But what I thought about myself right now…wasn’t exactly pretty. In fact, I’ve been feeling downright ugly. And thus, I’ve been feeling like a failure.
I’ve been having weird dreams lately. Dreams about me fighting with people. People whom I don’t consciously negatively think about during the day. People with whom I used to have a grudge and have since forgiven and forgotten…or at least, I thought I did.
But the disturbing dreams prove otherwise. Unconsciously, I was still harboring some animosity towards certain people.
Yesterday, I read back to my previous year’s resolutions. One of them was to sleep by 2 a.m. Ha. Ha. Ha. I would laugh, but I’m too weighed down by dismay of failure.
>I looked in the mirror this morning, and my eyes were crusted with sleep, my hair limp, and there was a dab of drool on my cheek. This, I said to myself, is the image of FAILURE.
Yup, I had no freaking desire at all to come up with any New Year resolutions. What’s the point? So I can look back a year later and find that I’m still a failure? I just wanted to crawl back into my bed.
But I looked out the window. A silent, gentle breeze caressed my face. The sun was shining, and god, even the birds were chirping like a Mary Poppins show.
I knew what I had to do. I laced up my sneakers, threw on a USC sweatshirt, and went out for a run.
The 30-minute physical activity pumped up my blood flow, eased me into a balanced rhythm, and lifted up my moods. And then I started thinking again, and praying.
No, the year 2010 was not some explosive year that cleaned me inside-out into a brand new person. I still have my temper. I still have my impatience. I still have my unattractive, weak ways.
But…I’ve definitely learned.
Every good or bad situation, every drama, every mistake have been an experience. This year may not have projected me into a fabulously gorgeous and perfect human being, and the next year of 2011 will not achieve that, either.
But. I’ve learned. I’ve experienced. I’ve gained. I’ve made progress. And next year shall be the same. Whether I achieve every single resolution I made doesn’t matter. What matters is that right now, I start out a new year with a positive, hopeful attitude.
Thus, this year of 2011 will be another great year. Just as how the year of 2010 has been absolutely fabulous and blessed in its entirety.
I’ve met some amazing people. I’ve gone hopping around Asia and Canada. I’ve gotten a chance to have my own food column, and even won Best Columnist. I’ve enjoyed school, and reaffirmed my passions.
Yes, Year 2010 was definitely a success. As for Year 2011, I’ve once again come up with a few prayer topics:
1) Make God my Lord.
Not someone I turn to only when I need Him, but let Him saturate every part of my life, so that I really live Him out.
2) Be a bigger person. Have a bigger heart.
And that means really letting go of certain things that are just garbage in my mind. Learn from every mistake, and forgive and forget, no matter who is wrong or right.
3) Have confidence in myself.
How many times have I doubted myself, condemned myself, felt sorry for myself? It’s a sickening cycle, and it needs to stop. Because no matter how flawed I am, I am still someone who is beloved, and deserving of love and respect…starting from myself.
By the way, another reason why this year will rock, is because there’s gonna be more home-baked breads in my life. Ever since I made this sweet potato bread, and have had a taste of home-baked goodness, store-bought bread just cannot measure up, unless they’re on sale for 40 cents per loaf.
I recently bought a HUGE bag of dry yeast. Ooh yeah. I’m gonna bake up a storm this year.
One bread that I recently baked and found super super amazing is this black sesame milk bread. You won’t find the recipe online because I sort of made it up. Hee hee. But here’s the recipe:
Black Sesame Seed Milk Bread
-
4 cups flour
-
4 packets black sesame cereal (found in Asian stores…or substitute 1/2 cup toasted black sesame seeds crushed with 1/4 cup sugar)
-
2 cups milk
-
1 packet active dry yeast (or 2 1/4 tsp yeast)
-
1 tsp salt
-
5 tablespoons melted butter
Warm the milk. Dissolve yeast into the milk and stir, let sit for a few minutes until dissolved.
Whisk the salt and butter. Add the yeasted milk mixture. Mix in the flour and the black sesame cereal. Mix until smooth.
Leave to rise in the bowl until double in size, about 2 hours. Punch in, and then knead briefly, adding a bit more flour if necessary. Put into a loaf pan sprayed with PAM (or oiled).
Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Bake for about 30-40 minutes until done. Remove from oven and let cool.
And that’s that! It smells incredible in the oven, and truthfully, I didn’t wait for it to cool. 
The bread had a very lovely crust, and tender crumb. The black sesame cereal in there gave it a wonderful toasty and nutty flavor that is unique and fragrant.
Maybe the greyish color of the bread would freak you out, but to me, it was gorgeous.
I decided to spread it with something Asian-y. I mixed sour cream with green tea powder to make a light, tangy, smooth spread with a slightly bitter and grassy taste and mild, tantalizing aroma.
Oh dear. It was AWESOME. That’s honestly the best description I can come up with right now. I shall make this bread again, for sure!!
If you want a slice…just pop on by! Or make some of your own in your kitchen. You will thank me and send me sweet loving notes!
Okay, that’s it for now…I gotta send my dad that prayer list.
Happy New Year, everyone. I’ll be back with more fun and jazz and less bullshit!
Question of the Year: Sharing is caring. What are your resolutions for new year? And what is your secret, most crazy desire for Year 2011? Hee hee hee.
P.S. Weekend ED Series was on holiday last week, but I hope to be back with it soon.
Related posts:
{ 47 comments… read them below or add one }
“Every good or bad situation, every drama, every mistake have been an experience. This year may not have projected me into a fabulously gorgeous and perfect human being, and the next year of 2011 will not achieve that, either.” – I always tell my kids that what’s important in every situation is what we learn from it and how it shapes us as a human being. Are we going to be a “perfect human being?” No. But you are perfectly you! Just the way we like it!
I’m glad you were able to see the beauty in this past year. A run really can do so much for our outlook…
Wishing you a very happy & healthy 2011, Sophia!
That bread looks fantastic!
As for New Year’s resolutions. Bleh, I’m really bad at them…so this year, I just pictured where I want to be a year from now. In the meantime, I’ll just figure out how to get to there.
I think it’s important when we look back on the past year to not berate ourselves for not having completely revolutionized our life but to look back on the little successes and smile. I’ve spent a lot of time being mad at myself the past few weeks…months…who knows. And all it does is push me into a downward spiral. And I don’t want that for you Sophia because you are lovely and wonderful in so many ways!
The bread looks wonderful! I need to find that sesame seed cereal! ASAP.
Your resolutiong for the coming year are awesome. Much deeper than the usual “lose weight” or “eat better” ones. Although those are important, they’re not the most important..you know? Hope you have a very safe and happy New Year!
Happy new year Sophia! Looking forward to reading your blog next year and all of your awesome adventures.
Beautiful resolutions!!
Happy New year! That bread looks fantastic!
Happy New Years Eve! I am so glad that I got to get to know you throughout this year and that I even had the opportunity to meet you. I am proud of you for finally braving bread making. It’s so fn right? I love your slightly green loaf with greenish spread. The sour cream idea is pretty great.
Have a fun New Year’s Eve!
i love the bread..very cool color. and the dip/spread looks sooo creamy and yummy!
i posted my 10 intentions for the year on my blog. I prefer intentions over resolutions, semantics, but i just like that word better
crazy desire for 2011…get some more sleep
darling sophia, i don’t think you give yourself enough credit.
i think you’re inspiringly beautiful…inside and out.
and, yes, i CAN indeed tell all of this from a blog on the internet and tTHAT makes it ALL THE MORE clear that it is true.
happy new year. your bread looks delish. enjoy yo’self.
You ARE a beautiful person inside and out. I’m so glad we’re friends! Let’s definitely find a good time to get together in 2010. I would love it.
My secret desire for 2011 is to find a freelance writing job. I would be so happy if that happened. I need to work on putting myself out there though.
Hee hee hee. You mean 2011! Have you heard of Scoops Westside? It’s an ice-creamery opened by one of the LA bloggers I read, Mattatouille. Let’s visit!
Oh and have you considered the Examiner?
Big picture: be happy and healthy. Secret, crazy desire: prepare a big feast of a meal from scratch. Glad that you learned and grew this past year and know that you’ll continue to do so with life’s various challenges.
Happy New Year!
Sophia, it pains me to hear that you were thinking so negatively about yourself when you started this post. You are SUCH a beautiful person! I want you know know how much of an inspiration you are to me — for your Faith, for your dedication to the field of writing, for your incredibly brave and accurate description of your eating disorder, and so much more.
I hope you have a wonderful end of the year and an even better start to the new one!
unless you spilled acid on your face and thus deforming it, I doubt you look any different now than from the last time I saw you, and damn are you beautiful! Clearly, you haven’t had the pleasure of seeing me in the morning pre-shower and pre-breakfast. That, my friend, it FUGLY.
I don’t like the fact that everyone thinks they need to work on things starting on new years. Why cant we always strive to be the best we can be at the moment? But that being said, every year I think we learn a little more than the previous, we get a little older, maybe develop a wrinkle or two….hence I have no doubt in my mind next year will be even “awesomer” for you!
PS
We need out monthly therapy session together!
Oh dear Sophia, now that’s some Asian yumminess right there! I love your creations. They’re simple, makes so much sense (kinda like the “DUH why didn’t I think of that?” type of sense, and not to mention, sounds so delicious. Green tea powder with sour cream is pure genius! You girl, have got it going on! Happy new year to you, Sophia! Wishing you a new year full of love, laughter, good health, and great foodie adventures! Hugs!!!
PS
I don’t make new years resolutions anymore.
I never make New Year’s resolutions because I think it is the worst time to commit to change. It’s easy for people to decide to change on the heels of excess, whether it be too much food, too much money spent, too much vacation, etc. When you’re “full” in every way, it’s easy to face the prospect of being a bit more “empty”. As time goes by, the memory of excesses fade and so does the strong motivation to continue with those changes.
I’ve read that New Year’s goals are the most likely to fail, and I believe this is why. So, change is good. Resolving to change is good, but doing so after weeks of being so saturated that you’re more than ready to cut back isn’t a good idea. The best time to resolve to change is in the middle of your normal routine.
I have no secret crazy desires, either because I’m too old, not very secretive, or not crazy enough (at least not in that particular way).
Wow! Sophia, wonderful bread creation you have here…I’ll definitely try to bake it someday, coz I have loads of black sesame cereal, and I don’t know what to do with it – coz drinking it makes me nauseated somehow…not because it’s bad tasting (it’s fragrant!!!), but it’s way too thick in a cup. Now, to mix it into bread flour would be gorgeous!
Sophia, I can relate so much to the beginning of this post. I haven’t been exactly dreaming about it, but I have been starting to feel resentments and grudges bubble up that I honestly thought I had let go of.
“Learn from every mistake, and forgive and forget, no matter who is wrong or right.” <– This really had an impact on me. I think I've always kind of viewed forgiveness as something that can only come when the other person has done something wrong and changed their ways. But we can' change other people… so what is the point in holding onto all that garbage (as you so eloquently put it
)? I know it's easier said than done, but thank you for sharing.
… and WHY did you have to post this recipe the day before I leave for school?! Fresh black sesame bread?!?! I am so pissed that I won't be able to make this, you have no idea how delicious it looks to me. I am a sucker for sesame seeds
Looks awesome!
Have a wonderful new year!
My New Year’s Resolution is to take every day as a gift from God. To say a prayer each morning in Thanksgiving, and stop and admire every aspect of His creation. Then, I want to give random compliments out to everyone I see during the day, and try to subvert my own wants and desires in an effort to make other people happy. Finally, I want to put the 20 pounds back on that I’ve said I was going to put back on each of the past two years, but have been too reluctant to to do. I want to be “all in” without trying tom micromanage or control my weight gain, and I want it to come naturally and without concern for my own desires. Lastly, I want to stop looking at freaking labels, and not let the words “partially hydroginated” stop me from normal eating with friends in social interactions. I’d rather trade in a year of my life when I’m in my 70s than go through my 20s as a compulsive health freak who can’t enjoy a good twinkie!
My secret desire is to run a marathon, which is something I can’t do until I allow my body to heal itself properly.
Thanks for a great year of blogging Sophia. You have no idea how much of an inspiration you are to so many people!
I think, and know that you are a BEAUTIFUL person inside and out, and I am so glad that I got to meet you in 2010. Happy New Year to you – I hope 2011 is your best year yet!!!
Wonderful recipe and a great idea! Can I make yeast-y bread out of it too?
Hey Ting!
ARGH!! I screwed up! The recipe is supposed to have yeast in it, but I forgot to type that in. Thanks for pointing it out for me! I fixed it…so hee hee, this bread certainly requires yeast, the most important ingredient!
Enjoy!
Hi, I made a loaf of bread following your recipe over the weekend. It turned out to be really really good! I didn’t have the black seseame seed powder cereal drink on hands, so I used other asian flavoured instant cereal packages that i had for the longest time (the strawberry and the green tea flavoured!) The whole house smelled wonderful! Thanks again for the great recipe and happy new year!
I think those are some beautiful prayer topics for the new year. I like looking at each year by what I learned as well – it’s a lot more fulfilling than examining the tangible acheivements (even though those matter too!). You have so much to be proud of Sophia and I can think of one biggie: you voice. It’s brave and honest and it makes you blog a pleasure to read.
As for my goals this year, I certainly have a few. But I’m viewing the next 12 months as an exciting unknown journey rather a checklist of things to get done! I’m so excited!
Smart to use the black sesame cereal to make the bread. Add some Chinese glutinous dumplings – black sesame filling (Tang Yuen) into the black sesame cereal and have a delicious warm dessert
Happy New Year to you!
I LOVE black sesame cereal! I used to eat it all the time. That and lotus cereal. I will defintley try this recipe out! THANKS!
Mhm, tasty looking bread Sophia!
Y’know, we all have days like those, but you are an awesome chick and you have every reason to rejoice in the new year. Loads love, sweets. Happy 2011! Have a fabulous year, darlin’, I don’t doubt you will
Somewhere along the way we’re going to get together, you can count on it!
Jax x
I love your positivity and how you can always find the good, even through the grumps, the failures, the heartbreak. Your resolutions are the bomb-diggity. Check my blog for mine (Going Down, not Recipe Rhapsody). My craziest desire for 2011 is getting a Kitchenaid stand mixer. It may not sound crazy, but up until now I’ve always thought I could never get one b/c there are always things more important to spend money on. I think, God willing, I can make it happen.
I think the color is very interesting looking. Certainly something I would like to try.
I have no clue what I want for 2011. I guess to be healthier physically and mentally…oh and get a second job. Oh yeah…that’s definatly something I want. I need my own place so badly. :p
Oh, how I wish that I could pop on over for a slice of that awesome bread! I love how creative you are with bread~ so freakin’ yummy amazing!
I’m still mulling over my New Year’s goals… I’ve got so much to work on. Self-assessment can be a little overwhelming when I feel so inadequate in so many areas. The beautiful thing is that the possiblities for change and improvement are available for the taking. Hmmmm… so many possiblities…
Best wishes for a fabulous 2011!!
Hugs,
Jill
great post, i love that bread, it looks delicious!
this is going to be a great year isn’t it! i just want to be happy in the year 2011!
You aren’t a failure. I too didn’t do everything I intended to do last year either. We’re human, we forget, we get busy. It’s a new year, and a new chance to start fresh!
To be honest, I think the that word “failure” is included in the definition for “resolutions.” So don’t worry, girl, we’re all right there with you. We wouldn’t want to go against the formal definition, now would we?
But with that said, being positive and looking at the bright side is an accomplishment in and of itself!! Add that to learning, experiencing, and making progress and you’ve got yourself a pretty damn successful year!
Happy New Year beautiful girl! Following your blog, you are the furthest thing from a failure. I love your honesty, your strength, and how you find the beauty in the little things. I wish you were my neighbor because all of your baked goods look amazing! I am obsessed with black sesame soy milk so this bread looks amazing!
This year I want to push myself out of my comfort zones and throttle myself at my dreams even though I’m scared shitless.
Happy New Year, Sophia! Your bread looks very special
but I’m sure it tasted great – yum sesame! 
And I like funny looking food. 
Great resolutions or prayer topics for next year. My goals are similar to last year, but mostly cook more food from scratch and just cook more at home in general. Plus, continue to do some form of physical activity at least 4 days a week. Happy New Year!
My NY resolutions are to be the healthiest person I can be in all aspect of my life. And my secret desire, I hope to become pregnant this year! : )
OMG, I wish we lived closer, Sophia…I would l.o.v.e. to bake up a storm with you this year, lol! Wishing you a very happy New Year!
OMG BLACK SESAME BREAD. WOW. I cannot bake bread but I am pretty sure if I try hard enough, there is a bakery in Japan that will sell it… such amazingness you are to mix Asian with Western Sophia. And green tea spread?! OMG… amazingness x 123914820384
Happy New Year Sophia!! What a gorgeous unique loaf of bread – love it! Hope you have a fabulous 2011
happy belated NEW YEARS!!! I especially love number 3; you are incredible and you should have more confidence in yourself. Just remember that God created you exactly as you are! You can only try to be the best version of you!
THat last picture of bread is CAlendar/cookbook worthy! You are amazing! Everything you do is incredible! Wishing you lots of JOY inner peace, contentment, inner strength, health and love in the new year!!!
What a gorgeous bread! I would sure love a slice to try! Happy New Year Sophia!!!
Happy New Year Sophia! The bread + sour cream green tea spread looks delicioso!
I want to do a TON of bread making this year, too! I’ve even made a goal to only eat homemade bread! We’ll see how it goes! Haha!
Oh my goodness! That’s a smashing idea to use black sesame cereal! I have some in my cupboard right now and I didn’t know what to do with it (other than eat it, of course).
Hey, I made this bread and it was such a funny squishy little bread. It was super soft and definitely tasted like black sesame ;]
{ 1 trackback }