I left my parents at the airport on bad terms. It was such a sudden twist of mood—the whole family drove together in one car to Dulles Airport, enjoying the final moments together. And then we found out that one of my luggage was over the weight limit. The one with the three jars of Costco-sized MaraNatha Almond Butter.
Immediately, my parents started glaring at me. “I told you it’s too much!” my mom hissed, as we started unpacking and repacking my overweight bag.
“When will you stop this eating disordered habit of hoarding your own food?” my dad snapped.
“Why can’t you just eat what every other college student is eating?” my mom sighed.
“Next time, I forbid you to bring any food with you!” my dad ordered.
Fine, there won’t be a next time, I thought angrily to myself. Because I’m not ever coming back. I’m f**king tired of this shit. You’ll never let my eating disordered past go. I’m always gonna be the Anorexic daughter to you!
At the departure gate, I barely even hugged them, stalking off without a glance back. I was pissed. Why did everything I do have to be connected to my eating disorder? How many times and ways do I have to prove myself to them? I was steaming!
When I reached the gates, I threw down my bags and sat down. I was still upset, but I started feeling extremely guilty for not saying a proper goodbye to my parents. In fact, I felt sick— I had done it once again. I had ruined our last family moment, all because of my eating disordered past. I didn’t even get to hug my brother, and all he did was drive the car so he could send me off. Fuck. Me. I cursed myself glumly, tears rolling down my eyes.
But this event turned out to be a blessing. In fact, it was necessary. Because just as I always do when I’m feeling awful, I turned to God. God, I’m miserable, I cried out to Him. Talk to me. Please. And as always, He answered.
As you all know, I don’t exactly have a happy past in DC. I grew up innocently enough until my high school year, and from then on, things slid back-hill. 4-5 years of eating disorder of all sorts. 2 major hospitalizations. Being sent back home from college. Several relapses. Countless screaming fights with my parents. Running away from home. And constant, unceasing unhappiness and depression and anxiety attacks. Is it a wonder why I dislike the DC area?
If you recall, I was in a deep funk during the last few weeks of summer. Of course, this happened while I was in DC. I wonder if it somehow also had to do with me being saturated with past memories. Being surrounded by people who know me by the past. It subconsciously stressed me out.
But at that moment at the airport…and all the way during the 5-hour flight to LAX, I recalled my past. And this time, I looked back through the eyes of God. And you know what? I gave thanks. I gave thanks for every single situations, events, and people in my past.
I can’t do this anymore. I can’t let the past hold me back. Yes, there are tons of hurts and sufferings in the past, but what good would it be to drag them along with me? They are nothing but excess, unnecessary weight. The past is precious—because each event has pushed me forward to who I am now. At that single moment, God opened my eyes to see my past as what it is— a progress, a guidance, a blessing.
So here’s what I say about the past: Look back with gratitude. Look at how despite all the troubles, you have made it through till now. And then look ahead with hope and expectations.
By the way, my parents apologized. When I gave them a call to tell them that I had arrived safely, they told me they were sorry for being so sensitive towards this ED issue. “We felt really bad,” they said. “We know it’s not an ED thing. Your brother is bringing even more food than you to school!” I told you my parents are people of prayer. 
My trip back to the past in DC hasn’t been all bad, though. I got to spend some quality time with people who stuck by me throughout all my dramas. Obviously that includes my family, but a few close friends come to mind.
One of them is Joyce.
We went out to eat lunch together the last week—Joyce, her boyfriend, and I. I love Joyce like my sister. I can count on her for anything. I can also count on her to be late for all our meet-ups, as she was on this one. We decided to go to Woo Lae Oak because Joyce was craving Korean. 
Woo Lae Oak is a really fancy traditional Korean cuisine restaurant that cheats money out of non-Koreans who think they are spending big bucks on “exotic” food. Okay, that was a bit harsh. What I really meant was, Woo Lae Oak is expensive. Ridiculously expensive, especially because they sell food my mother can make daily at home. 
One way you can tell it’s pricey is its dim lighting. It wasn’t just dark—they had to set up this annoyingly yellow glowing lanterns, too. I guess you can say this restaurant and I got off at the wrong start.
The second rub-off was when the waitress informed us that it was past 2pm and they no longer served the Lunch Special. That was our fault for being late, but we had called earlier beforehand to ask if they still did the lunch special, except there was a miscommunication and they said yes. So we came all over here for the Lunch Special, and was served the dinner menu instead.
What to do? We were all dirt poor students. Allen (Joyce’s boyfriend) wanted to just leave, but the waitress already handed us our drinks. There were no turning back. So we ordered. We got the Yook Gae Jang. To share. Between the three of us. 
Spicy Red Chili soup with Shredded Beef, Glass Noodles, Shitake Mushroom & Egg. 
Yook Gae Jang is just one of those stews that you eat during the cold winter months, or when you’ve got a hangover. It’s also really simple and economical to make. 
Ours was served in a big stone pot with a bowl of steamed rice. Be careful with this—it’s as spicy as it looks. Koreans don’t shy away from their famous red chili pepper flakes! 
Allen said he wasn’t hungry at all and didn’t want any, until he smelled the seductively pungent spice of the soup. Then he grabbed a spoon and leaned over. 
On the side, we had the ubiquitous Korean side dishes, ban chan: 
Radish kimchi: 
And Joyce’s favorite was the stir-fried fish cakes: 
The ban chan is always free and refillable, but we didn’t dare ask for a refill in case they spat on our food. We left a good tip, but I’m sure the waitress went home that day cursing the three cheap Asians who shared a single dish.
We had something else waiting for us, though. It was a few days before Joyce’s 23rd birthday, so I baked a cake for her: 
Not any kind of cake. It’s an AVOCADO cake. Yes. AVOCADO!! That’s why it has that pretty green color (the insides, anyway)! 
I used this recipe to incorporate avocado into a cake because Joyce is obsessed with avocado. She could make a meal out of guacamole and chips. 
Naturally, Joyce loved this cake.
The following day, I met up with another good friend of mine, Joanna:
Joanna just graduated from George Washington University and has a nice job now, so I helped her use up her hard-earned cash—by treating me out to lunch in Georgetown. I left the choice to Joanna, and she chose Crepe Amour: 
Crepe Amour is a relatively new creperie in Georgetown. Service is fast and amiable. Its crepes are made-to-order right in front of you: 
They serve both sweet and savory crepes, and also has an espresso bar. 
“Let’s choose a dessert crepe, too,” Joanna suggested. “I feel like eating a lot today.” Music to my ears. After all, how can you get satisfied with just one crepe, right?
Wrong.
We both ordered a savory crepe each first. I got The Mayflower: 
Smoked turkey, Swiss Cheese, Tomatoes, Lettuce, and extra Cranberry Sauce (Joanna told me that they usually don’t give enough cranberry sauce, so I asked for extra). 
It was big! And it was generous with the fillings, too. I loved the crepe itself—it was crispy on the edges, but chewy at the interior. Amazing. 
Joanna got The Dhaba, but without the mayo: 
Tandoori Roasted Chicken, Green Peppers, Cilantro. With a side of blue cheese dressing: 
The fillings were great, but ordering the crepe without the mayonnaise was a mistake—the ingredients just needed something creamy and wet to moisten it up. Without it, the crepe tasted rather dry. 
Our eyes were bigger than our stomach. We both ended getting REALLY full, but had already ordered a sweet crepe as well. I wasn’t sure if we could manage it in, but we did, because how can you resist a dessert called Carnivale? 
Nutella, Strawberries, Banana, Whipped Cream. 
Apparently no one can resist this grandiose treat, because 2 separate couples walking by our window stopped by to order one for themselves when they saw our feast. Crepe Amour should pay us for advertising its product so successfully! 
So. I guess despite all the negative connotations I have regarding DC, the positives outweigh the negatives. Joyce and Joanna—they’re my angels, lighting a sweet glow within my past just by being part of it. 
And of course, I can’t forget my dear little brother, who patiently endured and forgave all the family drama that happened because of me.
Look back at the past carefully, even those times of trials. It can’t be all bad after all.
Question of the Day: What is one thing you give thanks for in the past?
P.S. I’ll be choosing the Terra Chips Giveaway winner on my next post. If you haven’t already, please enter!
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girl, you eat the best food. really, i don’t even know what to do with myself when i read your posts!
i had a really crappy friendship with my roomie in college. and it sucked the life out of me and made it hard for me to ever trust anyone for a really long time. but i am thankful that i went through that rough time for 3 years because it made me so much stronger and so much more faithful in the hope of Christ!
Yum! Crepes with nutella are my favourites!
As for your feeling towards the DC area I definitely have similar sentiments towards Marin County (the place my family lives in california) and every time I come home to visit I get uncomfortable being surrounded by the reminders from my past/high school years etc. I’ve learned to accept it as the past, but I still prefer to be up at school in Portland.
As for giving thanks for the past- I can honestly say that I barely have any regrets in regards to the experiences I had with anorexia because all in all they definitely made me a much stronger person than I was pre-ED. Even before my ED I had terrible self esteem and was constantly unhappy with myself and taking dangerous measures to change myself/numb the pain.
I wish I could grab that starwberry and Nutella crepe’ out of the picture you took and eat it!
So apparently our ed will inevitably follow us for the rest of our lives, recovered or not. It really sucks that whoever knows about our past disorder in the future, will probably always question us when it comes to food. It doesn’t help at all though, because the more they remain wierd about it, the more we can’t move on from it, you know?
And seriously. What college student doesn’t take loads of food with them to school? Haha! I visited a friend at her dorm room, and her and her roomates had a closet full of food stored from home!
<3 Tori
What you wrote about your incident with your family in the last final moments before your departure at the airport really, really struck a chord with me. It’s an experience that is all too familiar with me and my family. As you may (or may not!) know, I have extremely fastidious eating habits. I wouldn’t say that I have a history of anorexia, but I am definitely very very selective with what I eat, and this has always made it difficult for me to go places without hoarding my own food. Anyways — maybe that’s not the case with you and your Costco nut butter jars. Only you and the Lord know. And that’s between you and Him. For me though, food has always stood in the way between me and my family really truly enjoying each other’s company in an unhindered way. But I thank the Lord always that, like your parents, mine are also people of prayer. The Lord is working in our families, in or situations, and you’re so right — we need to turn to Him, tell Him we’re miserable, and give thanks. For all things.
Glad you got to spend time with your close buddies in DC, Joyce and Joanna. We all need little beacons of light to illuminate even the darkest parts of our past. Also, thank the Lord for brothers!! Ay yi yi! Your brother sounds just as amazingly tolerant as my brother does. I can’t even thank my own brother enough for always putting up with all the family drama that ensues due to me and my annoying foodie-ways. It’s almost humbling, actually. When I remember how awesome my brother has been throughout this whole time, it just kind of serves as a reminder to me of how selfish and self-absorbed I have been/I am. And that reminder is one that helps to turn me back to my spirit
Lots of love,
Aletheia
I’m sorry that you didn’t have a great goodbye with your parents, that must have been tough. I am glad though that you found some great places to meet up with your friends. Those crepes especially look amazing!
It can be hard to break free from the past sometimes, and I know I’ve had accusations thrown at me from family and friends. Their anger is towards the eating disorder though (or rather the eating disorder that once was), rather than the person and they only react this way because they care. I’m so glad things turned out ok between you guys, and I think it takes amazing parents to apologise and admit their mistake – hehe mine would never do that, but rather pretend the confrontation didn’t happen
And wowee that is one awesome looking cake my dear!
Thanks for sharing such a deep and meaningful post, and you are right, that we should be thankful for difficult experiences, because we learn so much more from them than when everything goes smoothly…
Sarah x
I remember when Woo Lae Oak opened up! I stilllll haven’t been there yet. Ugh.
I’m sorry you left your parents on such funky terms. I can understand your dislike for DC because that’s how I feel about Duke/Durham. Something within me instantly changes when I am down there (thank goodness that’s never happening again…unless I go to a reunion). I do understand your hoarding of almond butter jars though. $5.75 is a frickin’ good deal!
I wish you the best back at school, Sophia!
sometimes arguments come out of the most seemingly silly things (aka a jar of nut butter) but usually they are about much deeper issues. your folks were probably more upset to say goodbye to you, and the woman you’ve bcome post-anorexia….their baby, you know?!
I’m glad to read you patched up with your parents after that, Sophia!
And did I mention that you look lovelier and lovelier each time I come to your blog?? Your fringe has grown out from your haircut in Korea, and you’re looking a lot prettier! 
The avocado cake looks SOOOO damn good, I wanna eat it too. I love how you’re so unabashedly honest and raw in your posts, blogging about your family conflict to the entire blogosphere! I think that takes a lot of courage. Kudos to you, Sophia!
I remember having big fights with my parents and stomping off thinking bad things too. Then I would wonder if I really was being a brat or if my parents were just taking their day’s frustration out on me. Why did I always have to be the one apologizing? As I got older and started looking back on many of our arguements, I realised a lot of the times I was at fault. But no matter who is at fault, and after all that’s been said and done, the important thing is that you realise you’re family. Even though you felt bad walking away, sometimes walking away is better than saying hurtful things to one another that you can’t take back. So in a way, walking away was a good thing. I’m glad everything is ok now.
I totally know what you mean by Korean restaurants overcharging traditional homemade banchan and dishes. There are so many of those in Korea Town in NYC. I’m appalled when they actually charge for the separate banchan. UM… aren’t those suppose to be free??
PS your avocado cake look so amazing!!
I was actually just talking to my mom about something similar. I said that I wouldn’t go back and change the past even if I could. She looked at me and said “I think the whole eating disorder could be re-thought”… and I disagreed. Yes, it sucked. There are really painful memories and I hurt a lot of people, but I would be a totally different person right now if I never went through it. And you know what? I kind of love myself! XD
I’m glad everything turned out after the debaucle at the airport… I hate leaving people on bad terms!
<3 Tat
“I kind of love myself!”
YES Tatianna!! You deserve ALL the love you can get…especially from YOU yourself! Aw, I love you too, Tatianna! You are LOVED. <3
I have to say that you truly are a gifted writer. I was so engaged in your story about hte airport that I could almost feel that anger. To me, God puts us in situations to build us up but never lets us go. I look back at my past and now see why he did that. But still, I have a lot more to learn from him. AS of now, I will embrace the present.
By the way, I made an egg crepe with the same ingredients as teh Carnivale. It was FABULOUS but not nearly as delicious looking as yours.
I’m so sorry you left on bad terms. I think as Americans we have this mindset that some cultures are really like this. So blunt and non forgiving. I know they only want what is best for you but i’m sure it’s hard.
I’m so glad you have a great group of friends who support you!!
I give thanks for being alive! Although sometimes I really ask God why he kept me here…not sure of my purpose yet.
I give thanks for the fact that we will have an entire crepe station at the Market District when it opens (the place I will be working, 40 hours a week!!!). Ok, so this is giving thanks for the FUTURE, but that counts….right?!
I’m sorry about your bad departure from your parents. I can remember similar instances in my past with my parents. Any time I said “I wasn’t hungry” they would assume it was my anorexia talking (when in fact, I was NOT hungry! SO WHAT!). Also I have always had this habit of picking certain things out of food and eating it (it’s so rude, I know, but this is something I have ALWAYS done!). After my eating disorder when they saw me do this they always said it was anorexia tendencies. Ummmm….no! Ugh. I think they still sometimes think about me and my eating disorder, so I continue to live my life happy and well, proving that I am at a much better place, and will always be.
Sorry to hear about the scene at the airport. Travelling together can be so stressful and I’m sure they feel bad about it too. Mmm look at those crepes!
Ohmygosh, I LOVE crepes!
I’m sorry to hear that your leaving was tough, but I am glad that you & your parents have forgiven each other.
You have such a positive attitude Sophia! 
so glad things worked out in the end! that crepe looks amaaazing
try not to beat yourself up too much over the bad goodbye to your family. studies have shown that it’s always it’s easier to part with people on bad terms. then you don’t feel the hurt that goes with missing them! i tend to leave my family angry when i go on trip and i know my mom picks fights with me for this reason too. so it’s universal. doesn’t mean it feels any better but lots of others go through the same thing. and the one time i didn’t leave a trip on an angry (a recent one with a friend) i felt just as upset because i missed my friend a lot. it would have been easier to leave to leave on a bad note! lose-lose situation. and WHOA long comment
Everything you said in the beginning of your post is what I’ve experienced and put my family through too. My mom even made me give her all my “foodie” items this summer and said I need to be normal again. God is truly the only thing holing me together. Prayers for you!
I’m sorry to hear that you end up this way with your parents, I know it feels awful to not end with good terms with parents even when you feel it’s not your fault. Glad that they realized it and apologized.
You did eat some good food in DC, I’m going to check out the korean restaurant, looks very good.
and I’m sorry that we didn’t make a meetup before you left. But I’m sure we’ll do some day in the future!
Oh parents. Mine have never known what to say. The last time I saw my parents, my dad told me to keep up what I was doing because I look great. He kept talking about how much I was eating and how happy that made him. I know he means well and I know it scares him to death that I was once so sick.
I have to say that your faith is absolutely inspiring. You are able to find hope in any situation and I love that. Are you excited about living in the house with the lemon tree?
i’m so glad everything turned out okay!
Crepe Amour should also pay you for advertising online as you’ve made me want to go there *right now*! I love your pictures!
I think that it is normal to need to get away from places where we spent difficult years, especially when those were some of our formative years. I only visited DC once as a teen, so it is a fresh place for me. But I know exactly what you mean about the depressing issues that surround going “home.” Of course you’ll want to visit your parents in the future, but there is nothing wrong with avoiding spending too much time in places that have taken on a heaviness for you. So don’t beat yourself up about it!
It happens to me…several times,that I didn’t say a proper goodbye to my parents, just because little things that annoying me at the moment. Trust me, I feel regret every time. I believe your parents were just worried about you (and they said sorry!)
We should always say a good goodbye, because those who send you off love you most.
btw, I love the pic you take for the lovely couple!
Looking back at the past can be such a blessing and a curse. I’ve had that happen to me with Andrew before… he sometimes forgets that I’m healthy and no longer restrictive and will make comments about how I might not eat something… blah blah blah. I’m like ummm, yes I will eat that and perhaps I’ll eat 2! It’s hard not only for us but the people around us to fully get over past issues, but as long as we all keep looking to God for guidance, we will keep moving forward!!
I have similar issues with the DC area too. I feel like whenever I go back there, my parents always notice my weight – if I have lost or gained any weight and I always feel like I’m on display. This doesn’t happen to me in Atlanta.
oh my gosh…please don’t talk about crepes to me. i think i might faint from the desire for them right now.
i used to always be pissy at my parents too because i thought they “minded too much” what i ate when i struggled with my ED. i just don’t see how they can be made for you hauling NUT BUTTERS. do they not know that thing is full of healthy fats? i’m really sorry about that not-so-happy-departure from your family. hope you guys will talk soon on the phone and work out the misunderstanding
First of all those crepes look amazing and I want some now. Secondly, I am sorry that you had that argument with your parents, but glad that too is now in your past. I know the feeling and sometimes people will still bring up the ED anytime you do something out of the ordinary with food. I used to get that some days at work if I just wasn’t hungry, and those people did not even know me in high school when I was sick. But they are dietitians so I think it was in their nature. When I had my gall bladder removed I lost a ton of weight and was back down to 90#, and they were just trying to be helpful but I really could not gain weight at that time. Yes, I have gained a ton since then (and meeting my husband too helped). Glad your prayers worked in the end.
I give thanks for my roommate junior year when I was a stressed-out train wreck and constantly bitchy and moody. She was so patient with me even though she had the same problems to deal with herself.
I actually love DC…was there with my aunt and uncle when you were in Toronto. It’s so clean! Such a great place with free museums and Harris Teeter! And Georgetown is gorgeous. Have you been to Thomas Sweet before??
Have a great time in Cali! I’ve been enjoying your posts the past few weeks…sorry I entered lurking mode.
This post gave me chills. You have reminded me that when dealing with the past there is a fine balance – we cannot ignore the past because it is important, because it is through the past that God opened the doors to our current lives. But at the same time we cannot dwell on it, regardless of whether it was good or bad. We must learn from it, accept it, mourn for it, whatever – and then move on with the realization that the present is all we have, and soon it too will be the past.
Whoa! That sounds like such a dramatic parting! I hate it when I have a rough family moment. However, if you come out well on the other side you’re always stronger for it.
Oh those familiar family scenes! I can so relate to your feelings! So hard to be in a family and yet family is all we’ve got! Your friends look adorable I might add. Glad you resolved your funk, you are so wise.
My departure was a little rushed, but still happy. But one of my bottles of salsa got taken away at airport security! I was so pissed–it was totally sealed.
Wow…I don’t know what to say, because I know exactly how that feels…exactly… And you are so right. Thank you so much for sharing this Sophia.
You’re wonderful and so strong, I hope the future will be filled with nothing but beautiful things for you, you deserve it!
xxx Julia (Taste of Living)
My family has a tendency to never let my past go, either, and it hurts when you feel like you’ve changed for the better…and then you’re suddenly slapped with a reminder of who you used to be and the realization that some people still think you’re that person. <3 I'm glad you were able to resolve it. Your family sounds wonderful and very loving.
Those crepes look delicious! There's a creperie just north of where I live, but none of my friends are interested in going. I may have to just take myself on a solo date to get my crepe fix.
Hey, I’nm glad everything was sorted in the end!
I totally udrstd the need for 3 bottles of almond butter babe! ;p
You’re gettin stronger by each post I read, no more ED history pulling u down!Way to go!
And its so lovely seein u meeting all the bloggers, friends at each city u travelled to
I wish we had a creperie like that here. That’s just way awesome!!!
I give thanks for the experiences I had in the past. I think if we didn’t have them we wouldn’t be able to grow as individuals. To learn from lesson that we may not other have learned.
I love that you gave thanks for the past (not an easy thing to recognize & accept). I honestly don’t believe in regret. Every bad/embarassing/unfortunate thing that has ever happened will shape you into the person you are today. It’s what gives you wisdom & makes you more appreciative
And I’m so bummed we couldn’t meet up! (Again…ugh). But next time you’re in DC, please let me know!
I am also glad everything is ok now. My relationship with my parents has never been totally “smooth” too – they keep holding me back when I wanted to be out of Singapore :O …don’t ask me why! and I was pissed…because of their “selfishness”…well well…..it is either they are happy or I am happy…so?….hmmmm …hmmmm….
Thank you for sharing what happened at the airport. I am sorry it was so hard, but I know so many of us can relate. I am planning my wedding (as you know) and it has led to a lot of drama with my parents. I know a lot of it just has to do with all the emotions that are wrapped up with weddings but sometimes its hard to not get frustrated.
I love the suggestion of looking back through God’s eyes. Even if someone is not religious, I suggest to pretend you are hearing the situation from a friend instead, how would you feel and what would you say? Most people are much kinder to their friends than they are to themselves, and we need reminders to be kind to ourselves too!
oh i want ur cute little cardigan so bad!!!!
i give a lot of thanks to my mom for teaching me about healthy relationships and fostering my self esteem! im so happy i had her to model the right from wrong and teach me to always trust myself and my instints. i dont know where i would be at this point in my life without having her there to teach me everything i know along the way!
xoxo
Sophia, as always I read your posts and get great insight into your world but also into mine. The truths you share with us are very important to read. My folks just left this morning from their summer visit….lots of ups and downs with us too. They don’t get a lot of my stuff and I don’t get a lot of theirs. Differences of opinions all the time….but lots of love as well! I love the idea of looking back at everything with gratitude….you are a very smart gal. xo
I think that could have been a very traumatic event – what happened at the airport. I think it is great that you can take control of the situation and look back with gratitude. I think you’ll see in the future that all of this has made you a stronger person.
That Carnivale looks AMAZING!! OH MY.
I’m so sorry that you had to say goodbye to your family like that, but I love how you looked to God for help
<3 jess
xoxo
You have so much insight – I truly admire you.
My parents would always try to get me to TAKE food with me – they didn’t think I’d eat probably unless I had lots of things on hand. They still don’t think I eat enough (and I have a dessert blog for heaven’s sake!). I guess that Asian (including Indian ones like mine) parents are just involved
Even despite the fight, it seems like you are very close to your family.
p.s. I don’t like chocolate all that much myself. So I understand your comment
Sorry to hear about the episode at the airport. I think sometimes a whole lotta feelings just below the surface bubble up during times that seem like no big deals at first. Something just triggers that flood of emotions. But better to get it all out than to keep it simmering inside. And a good meal with friends always helps one feeler calmer and better after it all.
Sophia – you are amazing and so inspirational too. ♥ I always love to read your posts. It’s such a touching experience to see you growing and loving up each day.
Thank you for sharing so much of yourself in each and every post.
ps. zohmygosh. The Carnivale crepe is absolutely calling my name.
i’m glad there was a happy ending. i had MANY encounters like that with my parents. the crepes look SO fun!
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