I left my parents at the airport on bad terms. It was such a sudden twist of mood—the whole family drove together in one car to Dulles Airport, enjoying the final moments together. And then we found out that one of my luggage was over the weight limit. The one with the three jars of Costco-sized MaraNatha Almond Butter.
Immediately, my parents started glaring at me. “I told you it’s too much!” my mom hissed, as we started unpacking and repacking my overweight bag.
“When will you stop this eating disordered habit of hoarding your own food?” my dad snapped.
“Why can’t you just eat what every other college student is eating?” my mom sighed.
“Next time, I forbid you to bring any food with you!” my dad ordered.
Fine, there won’t be a next time, I thought angrily to myself. Because I’m not ever coming back. I’m f**king tired of this shit. You’ll never let my eating disordered past go. I’m always gonna be the Anorexic daughter to you!
At the departure gate, I barely even hugged them, stalking off without a glance back. I was pissed. Why did everything I do have to be connected to my eating disorder? How many times and ways do I have to prove myself to them? I was steaming!
When I reached the gates, I threw down my bags and sat down. I was still upset, but I started feeling extremely guilty for not saying a proper goodbye to my parents. In fact, I felt sick— I had done it once again. I had ruined our last family moment, all because of my eating disordered past. I didn’t even get to hug my brother, and all he did was drive the car so he could send me off. Fuck. Me. I cursed myself glumly, tears rolling down my eyes.
But this event turned out to be a blessing. In fact, it was necessary. Because just as I always do when I’m feeling awful, I turned to God. God, I’m miserable, I cried out to Him. Talk to me. Please. And as always, He answered.
As you all know, I don’t exactly have a happy past in DC. I grew up innocently enough until my high school year, and from then on, things slid back-hill. 4-5 years of eating disorder of all sorts. 2 major hospitalizations. Being sent back home from college. Several relapses. Countless screaming fights with my parents. Running away from home. And constant, unceasing unhappiness and depression and anxiety attacks. Is it a wonder why I dislike the DC area?
If you recall, I was in a deep funk during the last few weeks of summer. Of course, this happened while I was in DC. I wonder if it somehow also had to do with me being saturated with past memories. Being surrounded by people who know me by the past. It subconsciously stressed me out.
But at that moment at the airport…and all the way during the 5-hour flight to LAX, I recalled my past. And this time, I looked back through the eyes of God. And you know what? I gave thanks. I gave thanks for every single situations, events, and people in my past.
I can’t do this anymore. I can’t let the past hold me back. Yes, there are tons of hurts and sufferings in the past, but what good would it be to drag them along with me? They are nothing but excess, unnecessary weight. The past is precious—because each event has pushed me forward to who I am now. At that single moment, God opened my eyes to see my past as what it is— a progress, a guidance, a blessing.
So here’s what I say about the past: Look back with gratitude. Look at how despite all the troubles, you have made it through till now. And then look ahead with hope and expectations.
By the way, my parents apologized. When I gave them a call to tell them that I had arrived safely, they told me they were sorry for being so sensitive towards this ED issue. “We felt really bad,” they said. “We know it’s not an ED thing. Your brother is bringing even more food than you to school!” I told you my parents are people of prayer. 
My trip back to the past in DC hasn’t been all bad, though. I got to spend some quality time with people who stuck by me throughout all my dramas. Obviously that includes my family, but a few close friends come to mind.
One of them is Joyce.
We went out to eat lunch together the last week—Joyce, her boyfriend, and I. I love Joyce like my sister. I can count on her for anything. I can also count on her to be late for all our meet-ups, as she was on this one. We decided to go to Woo Lae Oak because Joyce was craving Korean. 
Woo Lae Oak is a really fancy traditional Korean cuisine restaurant that cheats money out of non-Koreans who think they are spending big bucks on “exotic” food. Okay, that was a bit harsh. What I really meant was, Woo Lae Oak is expensive. Ridiculously expensive, especially because they sell food my mother can make daily at home. 
One way you can tell it’s pricey is its dim lighting. It wasn’t just dark—they had to set up this annoyingly yellow glowing lanterns, too. I guess you can say this restaurant and I got off at the wrong start.
The second rub-off was when the waitress informed us that it was past 2pm and they no longer served the Lunch Special. That was our fault for being late, but we had called earlier beforehand to ask if they still did the lunch special, except there was a miscommunication and they said yes. So we came all over here for the Lunch Special, and was served the dinner menu instead.
What to do? We were all dirt poor students. Allen (Joyce’s boyfriend) wanted to just leave, but the waitress already handed us our drinks. There were no turning back. So we ordered. We got the Yook Gae Jang. To share. Between the three of us. 
Spicy Red Chili soup with Shredded Beef, Glass Noodles, Shitake Mushroom & Egg. 
Yook Gae Jang is just one of those stews that you eat during the cold winter months, or when you’ve got a hangover. It’s also really simple and economical to make. 
Ours was served in a big stone pot with a bowl of steamed rice. Be careful with this—it’s as spicy as it looks. Koreans don’t shy away from their famous red chili pepper flakes! 
Allen said he wasn’t hungry at all and didn’t want any, until he smelled the seductively pungent spice of the soup. Then he grabbed a spoon and leaned over. 
On the side, we had the ubiquitous Korean side dishes, ban chan: 
Radish kimchi: 
And Joyce’s favorite was the stir-fried fish cakes: 
The ban chan is always free and refillable, but we didn’t dare ask for a refill in case they spat on our food. We left a good tip, but I’m sure the waitress went home that day cursing the three cheap Asians who shared a single dish.
We had something else waiting for us, though. It was a few days before Joyce’s 23rd birthday, so I baked a cake for her: 
Not any kind of cake. It’s an AVOCADO cake. Yes. AVOCADO!! That’s why it has that pretty green color (the insides, anyway)! 
I used this recipe to incorporate avocado into a cake because Joyce is obsessed with avocado. She could make a meal out of guacamole and chips. 
Naturally, Joyce loved this cake.
The following day, I met up with another good friend of mine, Joanna:
Joanna just graduated from George Washington University and has a nice job now, so I helped her use up her hard-earned cash—by treating me out to lunch in Georgetown. I left the choice to Joanna, and she chose Crepe Amour: 
Crepe Amour is a relatively new creperie in Georgetown. Service is fast and amiable. Its crepes are made-to-order right in front of you: 
They serve both sweet and savory crepes, and also has an espresso bar. 
“Let’s choose a dessert crepe, too,” Joanna suggested. “I feel like eating a lot today.” Music to my ears. After all, how can you get satisfied with just one crepe, right?
Wrong.
We both ordered a savory crepe each first. I got The Mayflower: 
Smoked turkey, Swiss Cheese, Tomatoes, Lettuce, and extra Cranberry Sauce (Joanna told me that they usually don’t give enough cranberry sauce, so I asked for extra). 
It was big! And it was generous with the fillings, too. I loved the crepe itself—it was crispy on the edges, but chewy at the interior. Amazing. 
Joanna got The Dhaba, but without the mayo: 
Tandoori Roasted Chicken, Green Peppers, Cilantro. With a side of blue cheese dressing: 
The fillings were great, but ordering the crepe without the mayonnaise was a mistake—the ingredients just needed something creamy and wet to moisten it up. Without it, the crepe tasted rather dry. 
Our eyes were bigger than our stomach. We both ended getting REALLY full, but had already ordered a sweet crepe as well. I wasn’t sure if we could manage it in, but we did, because how can you resist a dessert called Carnivale? 
Nutella, Strawberries, Banana, Whipped Cream. 
Apparently no one can resist this grandiose treat, because 2 separate couples walking by our window stopped by to order one for themselves when they saw our feast. Crepe Amour should pay us for advertising its product so successfully! 
So. I guess despite all the negative connotations I have regarding DC, the positives outweigh the negatives. Joyce and Joanna—they’re my angels, lighting a sweet glow within my past just by being part of it. 
And of course, I can’t forget my dear little brother, who patiently endured and forgave all the family drama that happened because of me.
Look back at the past carefully, even those times of trials. It can’t be all bad after all.
Question of the Day: What is one thing you give thanks for in the past?
P.S. I’ll be choosing the Terra Chips Giveaway winner on my next post. If you haven’t already, please enter!
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Aw, I’m sorry about your trip ending like that )’: it can get very frustrating having everything always have to come back to that dreaded ed. I’m glad that you talked to your parents later about it and everything worked out
that’s so great that you gave thanks for you trip, that is a great thing to do because even though you may have left off not all that great, the trip itself was an awesome time you had to enjoy with your family! Definitely something to be thankful for. Something that I’m thankful for in the past is me becoming closer with my step mom. At first we had never gotten along at all, fought a lot, but then one day it just clicked that maybe I should try to be friends with her and now we’re a lot closer and get along much better! I am very thankful for that realization.
Empathy on this end – my parents still view me, years later, through a lens very much tainted by anorexia. It tends to come out in moments of tension, and I end up being slammed with guilt. But ultimately, everyone – parents included – are responsible for how they choose to see, how they choose to interpret and how they choose to act. I’m glad you found things to be thankful for, though, in the end. I’m pretty thankful for a bumpy road in the past – challenges taught me to be a seeker in life, and I’ve never shied away from a risk or new experience as a result – I’m pretty confident in the strength of my skin.
Aw, Sophia, I’m so sorry you parted ways with your parents without a hug or kiss. I understand your anger but am sorry it happened that way. Glad you have made up though and your brother doesn’t have hard feelings either! I love the picture of you with Joyce. As you get healthier and your hair gets longer, you get more beautiful every day! Isn’t it nice to have an outward appearance that more reflects who you are inside? Lovely.
Awww…., what a shame that anger jumped in and some weird things were said huh; but great you had time to reflect and see the positives. Great friends and good times.
I think when you’re close with your parents it is impossible not to have some spats. Glad you were able to forgive and forget. The food looks fab as well. Mmmm crepes.
ah! i am so not photogenic. Glad you got to CA okay and everything between family is resolved. FYI! I was late picking you up b/c I was waiting for Allen to finish eating.. he couldn’t resist eating my mom’s dumplings so he was waiting for her to finish making them, but I kept on pushing him to finish. I am a very prompt person~!
Lol! Okay, okay! You are! But I think you’re usually always late because you have to wait for someone to pick you up. In this case, let’s blame Allen.
I’m sorry your trip ended like that, but we do learn about all these things in life. We’re only human and cannot always explain our ways. Next time you’ll give an extra kiss & hug for them
Your food is the best, again! MMMMMMMMM!!!
I’m sorry to hear about the incident with your parents. Fighting with family is always difficult. My mother has made plenty of times in the past about my ED that have upset me. It’s hard when you try so hard to get away from something and everyone else keeps reminding you of it. I am doing well enough now that I think she finally is starting to realize that the ED version of me is not who I am anymore. It’s a relief. I am sure yours parents (and my mom) didn’t mean to upset you. I think some people just don’t understand the weight that their comments can have sometimes.
Good luck going back to school!
i want avocado cake!!! im so using your recipe! you are a nice friend
Wow, that Carnivale dessert looks AMAZING!! I’m glad you didn’t pass it up
Ummm, so sorry I’m flooding your inbox with comments tonight
I just have to say that I lovelovelove this post. I have a very “dark” past as well (above and beyond what I’ve gone into publicly on the blog) and I always say that I wouldn’t change a thing about it. I did a lot of risky things, and I’m certainly lucky to still be alive. But all those things made me the person I am today, and I’ve learned to love that person. It’s given me incredible perspective and has actually strengthened my relationships with those closest to me (yes, I too still fight with my parents, but the things we’ve endured together have made our bond unbreakable).
And I hoard nut butter too. No shame
Sorry to hear that your goodbye was not exactly as you had imagined. I often feel that way too–that people see me only as “the anorexic girl.” Anyway, just letting you know that you are not alone, and I’m glad things seemed to have worked themselves out.
Sometimes parents just know how to hit your buttons. I’m glad they apologized! I’m sure it was just a frustration thing. 3 jars of maranatha is totally normal!
Those crepes look so drool-worthy. YUM!
Awww, I’m sorry Sophia, we all have bad days though and I’m sure your parents understood.
Your photos are getting pretty amazing too, btw
Stories like this make me so glad there is the possibility for forgiveness not only from God, but from the people we love as well. Such a beautiful thing!
I grew up with parents who were stubborn and very uncompromising (in the big things and the little things) and watching them fight, separate and eventually divorce was tough. But darn it I knew what I wanted in a relationship and I knew the importance of compromise and of open, honest communication! I don’t know if I would have been so smart when dating and been so confident in getting married at a younger age without that past experience.
gosh sophia, parents can be tough eh? this struck me, “I had ruined our last family moment, all because of my eating disordered past.” just look at that sentence in the context of what actually happened. YOU did not ruin anything. peanut butter hoarding is not an eating disorder, in fact it sounds pretty smart to buy in bulk on a budget! your parents clinging to the past and judging you based on that ruined the moment. maybe you could have thought better about your baggage, true, but their reaction was NOT your fault.
it sounds like you and your parents both came to that realization. and what’s even better, you allowed God to show you His good work and plan in the whole situation. beautiful.
girl, my parents live 2 houses down the street. but i dont have much to complain about. my dad is a canned tuna hoarder, so he can’t get me on that one. LOL!
aww my poor sophia!! i know how that feeling is too! i got in a fight with someone from church and it consisted of me swearing alot and for the longest time everyone thought i was a bad kid and wouldn’t let me go to people’s sleepovers. it’s horrible that a reputation stays with you for a long time.
crepes look awesome though!
love all the meetups you’ve had
your hair is getting amazingly thick and long!
so sorry bout the bad moments at the end w/ your parents.
and this can be said for raw/vegan restaurants too “really fancy traditional Korean cuisine restaurant that cheats money out of non-Koreans who think they are spending big bucks on “exotic” food. ”
like ummm who would pay $16 for some raw produce. that’s a tapas plate. and you need to order like 3 of those. That’s why i never go “out to eat” when i can make it better “in”. i.e. at home
Wow, Sophia, everything you say about your past really resonates with me. I feel the exact same way when I’m home–as though people see me for who I WAS rather than for who I AM. It’s hard to forget bad memories, so, like you said, we must be grateful for the situations we’ve experienced. They have shaped us into the people we are today…And I firmly believe that EVERYTHING happens for a reason.
Both lunch dates look like they featured delicious food! I actually bought kimchi for the first time at the grocery store today, and love it. What is it typically served with?
Hope you’re enjoying being back in sunny Southern California! I’m looking forward to seeing you again once I start grad school there.
You had ED thats why I am in LCM now.
This was such an incredible post! My heart broke for you reading it, because I can SO appreciate and understand the hurt that you felt with your parents. I love how you LET GO. I do believe in taking ‘geographics’- away from where the trauma occurred: too many memories, hurts, reminders etc.. It is HARD! I can’t even tell you how happy I am your parent’s apologized! That can do wonders for the soul and help heal the heart as well!
Never give up and never stop being you! God UNCONDITIONALLY loves you- as does your family and friends. And as should you! God created you the way you are. Learn to love yourself. You are pretty damn amazing!
Xoxo
Barbara
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