I’m confident in a lot of things…but beauty is not one of them.
Okay, I’m so embarrassed to admit this—but hey, no matter what, I’m still a girl…and I’m vain as a peacock. Like everyone else, I like to look good. I like to get compliments from others. I want girls to look at me with envy and guys to salivate at my footsteps (except ugly balding old men, of course).
Or…I thought I did.
I’ve been getting a lot of compliments lately. I’ve turned from looking like a torched scarecrow to…well, someone decently human. Someone with real hair, fuller cheeks, and life in her eyes. With such a total transformation, it’s no wonder people are exclaiming to me left and right that I look “great”, “pretty”, and “beautiful”.
At that moment, I’m flattered. I smile, I thank them for their kind words. But despite all these compliments, the instant I turn my back, I once again…feel dissatisfied with myself. I forget every compliment, and instead look at the mirror and instantly, unconsciously, start criticizing myself.
It’s made me realize that confidence doesn’t come from external compliments or praises. It doesn’t even come from real beauty. Even if I were to face hundreds of people chanting the immeasurability of my beauty everyday, or have thousands of admirers, or have broken myriads of hearts…I’ll still never be satisfied unless I myself am satisfied with myself.
I need to be more confident, all-around. It’s not enough just to be confident about certain areas about myself. True self-confidence is not boasting about my obvious good points, then turning around to scrutinize my weaker points and bemoaning about it.
And true self-confidence doesn’t come from evaluating and measuring one’s admirable qualities, because no single person is perfect. If you were to assess every detail, you will never be contented with yourself. Thus there needs to be a more permanent, unconditional source of confidence—and mine comes from the faith that I am a beloved, precious creation of God.
The knowledge that I am beloved, that I am worthy of life, that I am uniquely and intricately created, that nothing in my life is a random coincidence…that fact gives me such refreshing, powerful burst of everlasting confidence. Whenever I’m lacking in self-confidence, I remind myself of that truth, and it never fails to lift me up.
Of course, I’m not just talking about beauty. Low self-esteem comes in all forms, but no matter what they are, I believe the best way to overcome it is to tap into that fixed foundation of confidence.
Strangely enough, cooking has never been a factor of low self-confidence for me. I just cook—and that’s it. I think about the flavors, the textures, the colors, the nutrition…but I never scrutinize my cooking. I eat, and even if I don’t like it, I don’t criticize myself. I just think of ways to improve it, and I always do. Hm, wouldn’t it be great if we could have that kind of attitude to all areas about ourselves?
Anyway. Guess what? I’m finally cooking! Wheee-haaaah! And for others, too! A really good family friend is in the U.S. Army and will be deported to a military base in Korea soon, so my family invited his family over for dinner. Here’s the lovely couple, who will soon be off to serve the country:
Okay, here’s the confidence meter again—my mother spent the whole night beforehand worrying and fretting about this dinner, wondering, “What should I make? Will they like it? How much should I make?” She was going crazy, and it was driving me crazy.
“Mom,” I groaned. “Have a little self-confidence. Everyone says you’re a great cook. So just make whatever and they’ll eat it. It’s all about the company, not the food anyway.”
But since I’m a good, helpful daughter, I planned out the menu with her, and even offered to cook some of the dishes. We ended up having quite a glorious spread!
First, we had acorn jelly: 
Slabs of wobbly acorn jelly, topped with chopped wild mugwort, and a sauce made from soy sauce, garlic, scallions, and red pepper flakes. 
Do you recognize this dish? My grandmother made it for us once, the exact same recipe!
And then, we dredged and coated a big bag of Tiger shrimps (this is just one batch, there were loads more)… 
…to make shrimp tempura! 
Ooh! Crunchy and crispy on the outside, juicy and hot, hot, hot on the inside! 
These were a hot sell. They were gone within minutes. My mom had to fry up new batches constantly.
Since it’s the summer, we needed something light and refreshing as well, so my mom and I made two different kinds of salads. The first one is a seaweed-cucumber-radish salad: 
The whole thing is marinated in some kind of sweet, vinegary dressing, and chilled. Very, very rejuvenating. 
The second salad was just your basic salad with a romaine lettuce base: 
Romaine lettuce salad, topped with strawberries, grape tomatoes, blueberries, mango, and garlic-roasted sunflower seeds, dressed in a homemade honey mustard dressing.
And come on, you didn’t think you would be invited to a Korean home without kimchi, did you? 
This wasn’t made by me, but my mom, who makes the best kimchi ever. Yes, this was fresh-made, from scratch. No jarred kimchi for us, no siree! 
Next dish was a dish that I’ve been wanting to recreate ever since that blogger lunch I had at Lighthouse Tofu. It’s Haemul Pajeon, or Korean seafood pancake: 
Stuffed with grated potatoes, zucchini, carrots, scallions, shrimp and squid. Unfortunately, I could not doctor it up “Sophia-style” because my mom would not hear about it. I tried to persuade her to add some bacon…but nope. Gotta do it the traditional, boring way. 
Oh well, it still tasted good. For those curious, my mom “cheated” a bit and used this special flour made for pajoens: 
Thankfully, I did succeed in cajoling her into adding some fine-grated potato into the mix for extra-chewiness. And hahaha, I was right! Even my mother thought it was more delicious that way. By the way, if you can’t read Korean, look for the “Korean pancake mix” label: 
And for the meat course (gotta have a meat course), I made some very special baked Sweet and Spicy Peanut-Buttery Chicken Wings: 
Yup, you read me right! Peanut butter! Ooh la la~ What I did was boil together the following ingredients: soy sauce, ketchup, honey, crushed garlic cloves, tabasco, and big globs of chunky peanut butter. Then marinate prepared chicken wings in the sauce, and bake in a 400 degree Fahrenheit oven. 
Result is a sweet, spicy, sticky, peanut-buttery savory candy in your fingers. Finger-lickin’ good!
The last dish was a spicy soybean sprout soup, or Kongnamul Guk: 
It’s the easiest thing to make from a broth of dried anchovies. Toss in some kimchi, soybean sprouts, onions, and red pepper flakes, cook, and you’re good to go. 
I like it because it’s a light finish, with a clear broth that doesn’t weigh you down after a heavy meal. Oh, and I nearly forgot: 
We also had bowls of rice. Of course. I don’t even know why rice is needed with so much food, but apparently, Koreans can’t leave a meal without some rice. 
We cooked the rice in a pressure-cooker though, and it was fun digging up the burnt bits.
Dessert was my famous banana cake: 
Well, not the famous because I change the recipe all the time (I get bored), but everyone loves all the banana cakes I bake for some reason. This time, I added tons of grated dried coconut and chocolate chips. 
It was yummy! I wish you could smell it. It was heavenly. And everyone had a feast: 
I’m actually giving a baking lesson to one of them later in the week. Apparently she isn’t confident about her baking skills, and want to learn to bake something from me. She already knows how to bake a chiffon cake, but that’s about it. She wants to learn to to use butter. What a great way to start, eh?
Question of the Day: What are you most confident about? What are you least confident about?
Related posts:
Wow, Sophia!
It looks like you and your family really had a feast
It´s so nice to read you feel confident about yourself when cooking… Your baking skills are incredible!
Thanks for beeing such an inspiration, sweetheart!
Wish you an amazing Thursday.
Brazilian XOXO´s,
Gabriela
Like or Dislike:
0 
0
“I’ll still never be satisfied unless I myself am satisfied with myself.”
I couldn’t agree with you more. It wasn’t until I learned to just accept myself the way I am that I truly started to be happy. Keep telling yourself that you are beautiful and try to have more confidence in yourself. Even if you don’t believe it, just fake it. Over time you won’t have to fake it anymore because you will start to believe it.
Like or Dislike:
0 
0
you are so talented, girl!!
Like or Dislike:
0 
0
Dinner looks so good! I love all the variety in the dishes. The salad with all the fruit looks especially delicious and refreshing!
When it comes to confidence, I have it without a doubt when I go for a run and when I bake or cook. I’m least confident about food.
Like or Dislike:
0 
0
I am most confident about my ability to get on well with others. I rarely get nervous about not knowing people because I’m confident in my ability to make conversation with most!
Like or Dislike:
0 
0
Where are the recipes, my dear? These all look so fantastic! Especially the salad with seaweed, your momma’s kimchi (which I know is probably secret), and the pajeon. Hm, I think I am most confident about my work ethic…not natural intelligence but the fact that I work really hard at anything that’s important to me. Least confident…definitely my lack of dancing/singing skills!
Like or Dislike:
0 
0
Thanks for an honest perspective on confidence and beauty – I think many of us can relate, or at least I can. My lack of physical confidence still can be paralyzing at times, but what usually helps is the realization that the people who truly matter to me have been kind and good and supportive regardless of what my exterior manifested.
I’m also pretty confident when it comes to nourishing others – I express myself greatly through the food I make for my loved ones. It’s fulfilling and I always feel warm and fuzzy about myself when I can provide pleasure for someone on such a basic, primal level as making their stomach happy
Like or Dislike:
1 
0
I really appreciate this post. I struggle quite a bit with confidence, though I feel like I’ve made great amounts of progress over the past year or two.
Oh, that feast looks amazing! So many wonderful looking flavors present.
I’m confident that I’m good at solving problems, whether it’s as to why my cookies failed or how to fix that leak under the sink. I’m not very confident in my health right now, but I’m working on it. =)
Like or Dislike:
0 
0
All of the dishes at your feast look so delicious! I am especially favoring the peanut butter chicken wings. What is acorn jelly? I’m working on my confidence in writing good comments, but I have great confidence in my cooking skills. Your blog is great!
Like or Dislike:
0 
0
Thats a nice post as always but lack recipe.
Like or Dislike:
0 
0
Haha, if you ever need the precise recipes…just let me know!
Like or Dislike:
0 
0
OMG! What a superb spread you gave them..I can almost smell it from here! What can I tell you about confidence? Gosh that could be a hard one Sophia, I tend to think if you help someone else in life, they’ll come back to you for more answers, that will slowly build your confidence & give you the “feel good” factor.
Like or Dislike:
1 
0
Your friends certainly got a great send-off!
As for the body insecurity, you’re right: It is something a lot of people deal with. But that doesn’t mean you have to accept it! Keep challenging yourself, appreciating the wonderful things your body can do and enjoy food. Life’s more fun that way! (;
Like or Dislike:
0 
0
What an amazing feast! The peanut buttery chicken wings look so delicious. I wish I had complete confidence in cooking. I’m only confident about a few things that I make frequently. Maybe some day!
Like or Dislike:
0 
0
You exude confidence my friend. These meals you created are awesome. I wish we lived closer, I would plead with you to be invited over to enjoy them with you. Congrats on all your compliments, you deserve them. You are right, we need to find the beauty within to feel our best. xo
Like or Dislike:
0 
0
sophia what a family feast, how xould your mom even been worried, eveything looks delish..I love the acorn jelly and the tempura…I am confident in my family, but i think we all are too hard on ourselves..
sweetlife
Like or Dislike:
0 
0
I’m confident that I’m a good person, that I have a good heart and am very compassionate.
Like or Dislike:
0 
0
I think you have a good heart, too!
Like or Dislike:
0 
0
Your right confidence is about knowing you and your limitations and knowing that you are here for a reason, and have the power to affect change – just look at your blog. I have to say, I am so glad you noticed the changes in your appearance, because for me that was one of the most interesting things about following your posts on your trip. You literally transformed before our eyes. What am amazing thing to see, but of course that was just the physical side.
Regarding the cooking I see here. Holy cow, it looks amazing. If I could cook like this, I’d be incredibly confident. =)
Like or Dislike:
0 
0
What a great send off meal to have.
As for confidence…I think I still quite a bit to learn about it. I wasn’t always the bright “go-getter”. I sometimes feel like I revert back to my old tendencies to just sink back into my little hole and hide there until no one is watching. It’s kind of a struggle for me.
Like or Dislike:
0 
0
Yay Sophia is cooking again! The shrimp look yummy, I don’t blame everybody for snatching those up right away! Peanut butter chicken sounds AMAZING! Why didn’t I ever think of that!? Thanks for sharing w/ Friday Firsts!
Like or Dislike:
0 
0
all your cooking even inspires me! i always feel like i need a recipe, and you just go with it. looooving your banana cake! my confidence (in myself and my cooking) is constantly up and down, which why should it be like that? i’ve talked to some people at school about how i am unsure about myself, and i sometimes underestimate my beauty and what i can do professionally, but then God never ceases to amaze me. He’s been SO faithful while I’ve been up in school, like even when I don’t go to church, don’t read my Bible, He’s been there 100% of the time, and then I see that, and I am confident in Him. Even though I lose sight of myself sometimes, I never lose sight of his presence in my life, which I have been so blessed by.
Great post Sophia!
Like or Dislike:
1 
0
i would LOVE the recipe for your peanut buttery chicken! would you mind emailing it to me? thanks!!!
Like or Dislike:
0 
0