I am. Blown. Away. By all your sincere and empathetic responses to my last post. To be honest, my finger quivered a bit before I hit the “publish” button. I don’t know what I was nervous about: Exposing an image of myself when I was soulless? Sounding too evangelical? Being potentially triggering?
But now, I’m glad I did it. It’s not just about exposing the frightening, soul-sucking side of an eating disorder. It’s not just about showing the depths to which I’ve sunk. It’s a heartfelt, passionate declaration against all the evil forces that binds and oppresses so many people out there: You. Don’t. Own. Me. Not anymore, not ever.
We all have our demons. Mine just happened to take a more physical form. But it pains me, to see so many loved ones around me, right within my own social circle, who struggle so much, each with their own obsessions and oppressions.
In fact, only just recently, two close friends of mine confessed to me about having suicidal thoughts. It scares me, the way they talk about themselves…with such disgust and self-contempt. It reminds me…frighteningly of me. It angers me, that a force beyond their own control can twist their thoughts and perceptions so much as to leech out every ounce of hope and joy in them.
Self-love. I’ve heard people say, it all starts with self-love. That you have to love yourself, before others can love you, too.
I don’t believe that. I believe that in order to be able to love yourself, you need to first receive and accept love from others. You might think, or say to yourself, Oh, but nobody can possibly love me…But you’re wrong. Somebody does love you. There is always someone, out there, who loves and thinks about you.
Stop trying to rationalize love. Love is irrational. You can’t possibly love anyone if you start being rational, because nobody is lovable. Everyone is flawed. But that’s what makes love so freaking beautiful. Because it overlooks all weaknesses and mistakes. It simply is. Because love comes from one source only, and that is God.
That is why I say I could never have come this far without Him. His direct love, and the love He showed through my family and friends, has enabled me to start loving myself, and treating myself the way I should—as someone precious, someone unique, someone worth loving.
If you cannot tell already, I am in a very good mood. I’m 4 hours early and sitting in style at the KAL Lounge: 
The best thing about business class…is definitely the lounge. Lovely, peaceful, quiet place to just kick back and enjoy. 
And it has INTERNET and FREE FOOD! Always the biggest plus for me! (Well, technically, you pay like double the air ticket for this kind of service, but hey, my dad’s mileage paid for this, so it is doubly free for me!) 
So I’m about to slip off my shoes, stretch out, and enjoy this whole plate here: 
I deserve it. I am just so relieved that everything is over. I finished a whole year of college without any mishaps (kind of). And I’ve got a hell of a trip waiting for me.
Now, I’ve already extended an invitation to join me in a feast around Asia. I guess I should let you know that I probably won’t be cooking for a long time. I should also let you know that I made this dish awhile ago. A seemingly long time ago, when I was still stuck between final exams and essays.
But I recall every taste and texture of it.
Kabocha Crepe with Creamy Edamame Filling
Kabocha Crepe:
- 1/2 cup flour
- 1 egg, beaten
- 1/3 cup cooked kabocha, mashed
- 1/3 cup milk
- 1 tablespoon oil
Edamame filling:
- 1 cup cooked edamame
- 1 avocado
- 4 tablespoon cream cheese
- squeeze of lime juice (or lemon)
- salt and pepper
- 1/2 apple, thinly sliced
To make the crepe, just blend all the crepe ingredients together. Let it sit for about 30 minutes or so. Then heat up pan with about a teaspoon oil or butter. Ladle in crepe batter and thin it out. Cook on one side; flip, cook the other.
For the edamame filling, blend everything together except for the apple.
Assemble the crepe: stuff each crepe with as much edamame filling as you want, and add the sliced apples.
Ooh. Looking classy. Delicate and simple. 
I’m not sure I can say this is so much a crepe than a very thin pancake…it didn’t thin out as much as I wanted it to, but then, it does have that dense kabocha in it. The texture was nice, though—sort of chewy, with a delicate kabocha flavor. 
The color was lovely, too. A gorgeous pastel orange. 
I made this random edamame filling because of Operation Flush-the-Pantry. I just had to use up the last of my bag of frozen edamame, an overripe avocado, and the last of my cream cheese. 
It actually worked well in this crepe. Edamame has a naturally sweet and mild flavor, and together with the creamy smooth avocado, made for both a pleasant, light flavor and texture. 
I had some of that edamame filling left, which I later stuffed it into a wrap, with a Granny Smith apple and the goat’s brie I got from Papa Cristo’s, and then grilled: 
LOVE! Is anything more delightful than hot, melted brie? 
You can pretty much use this edamame filling for anything, other than sandwich filling or spread. Maybe as a dip…or stuffed into a chicken breast…or baked on top of salmon… 
But I like sandwiches and wraps. And I had to have my fill, since I don’t think I’ll be eating much sandwiches and wraps this summer, either.
By the way, Operation Flush-the-Pantry was a failure. I simply couldn’t finish everything! I almost wept as I threw out a few frozen bagels, a stick of butter, some frozen meat products, etc. Oh, and half a block of cheese.
Honestly, by the end of the week, I was slathering mayonnaise on toasted bagels, eating a pound of brussel sprouts in one sitting, and having two roasted kabochas for a “snack”. I did the best I could. At least I learned that more isn’t always better.
So. I guess I was just popping by to share this last dish, and to tell you that I was blown away by your kindness. I’m still here right now, but in 4 hours time, I’ll really be blown away.
See you in Korea (or Singapore)!
Question of the day: Tell me, quick— Who loves you?
And another fun question: Let’s say you’re Dorothy in Wizard of Oz, and you get a chance to be blown away, anywhere. Where would you want to go?
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{hugs}
My husband, families, & friends love me!
Italy. Tuscany, Italy to be exact. I’ve wanted to visit since I watched Under The Tuscan Sun!
Who loves me? Ali and Maya.
Where would I want to be right now? Sitting on the Champs-Elysees in Paris, having a cup of overpriced coffee. There is nowhere I’d rather be.
Enjoy your trip Sophia. You deserve to have the best time. Please visit the Ritz tea buffet in Singapore. I beg you to. For me. I swear you will love it!
my family loves me….blown away..hmm not sure…I just read your last post and am super proud of you..you are a courageous women..your parents did a wonderful job..
sweetlife
God loves me! And I love me! And my family and (true) friends love me!
I’d love to be blown away to Greece.
My husband and my dog love me!
Safe travel and have a wonderful, happy time! These dishes look like they certainly belong in First Class!
That crepe looks ahhhh-mazing! Hope you have a fabulous trip
I hope most people in my life love me
But especially, my fam, friends, and bf!
Hmmm I’d love to be blown away to ANYWHERE I could just be free of work and responsibility for a week. Dream come true!
My hubby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ain’t that lovely but I have bunch of people loving me!!!Yeheeyyy
..my family, friends and my best/boyfriend
and i should say i love you, Sophie! God bless.
I would like to be blown to Narnia! Hehe
And as for who loves me, well I do of course, I’m pretty sure my mum does too. That’s actually quite hard to answer…I’ve learnt to love myself for sure, but still find it difficult to accept love from others…hmm
Sarah x
You enjoy that lounge access
, haha definitely one of my favourite parts of the flying experience (especially the free food!)
Who loves me? My parents, unconditionally.
Where would I love to be: I always say it doesn’t matter where you are, but who you’re with- so I would like to be with my best friends…perhaps in…hmmm Singapore (coincidence seriously)or Dubai.
My family and friends:)
And I love this post. So glad you finished everything and got to go to Korea/Singapore…in style!:)
xxx Julia (Taste of Living)
My family and friends love me
Thanks for asking this question. Great way to spread some love and make others feel happy.
If I could be anywhere I’d probably choose LA as I’ve never been and heard such great things about it. Have a blast on your vacation Sophia. You definitely deserve a great one!
Have a safe trip, gal! Hey, that edamame can jolly well disguise as avocado, ha!
Have a safe trip, beautiful!
I have to say Northern Michigan. It is my peaceful, happy place. I love it!
Sophia
Every time you get all serious in your posts, I want to jump over there and hug you tighter than I even have the strength to do. I guess that would be even harder for me to do considering you are going even farther away from Canada…
I know you will.
Have an amazing trip
Who loves me? My mama
… I honestly don’t know what I would do without her love. She stuck by me when no one else did, and helped pull me out of the darkness.
<3 Tat
Hope you have a safe flight, sweetie! Kabocha crepes are a brilliant idea — I’ll definitely be trying that! Sorry that operation pantry flush wasn’t a complete success (it was sad to hear about the cheese
) but it sounds like you did an amazing job (I had to laugh at the part about mayo on bagels, lol!).
The creps do look incredible!
Great questions. I think I would want to be blown away to Italy. I have always wanted to go and the desire to growing as I get older.
Hope you are well darling!
man, your recipes are so creative! I gotta try that one for sure! Have a safe trip….that business lounge rocks!
p.s.
JESUS loves me and YOU! hehe!
ENJOY that lounge girl….free food is always good, especially when it’s REALLY free, like in your case!
I know lots of people love me, but right now the love I feel most is from my cat, who is purring away contentedly on my lap. She’ll love me no matter what I do, as long as I keep letting her sleep in my bed and eat the water from my canned tuna!
Paris. I’ll always want to be blown away to Paris
What I love about blogging is you either get support or you don’t. If someone does make you angry or hurt your feelings it really doesn’t matter. You’ll never meet them anyway. You just ignore them. On the other hand every comment I receive makes me feel like I have hundreds of friends!
Mom, sister, dad, aunts, uncles, grandma, husband(sorry Mike you should have been first)my only 2 real friends
I would want to be blown away to New Zealand. ANTM is being shot there and that place is like a story book!
I’m just getting caught up with reading, so I’m sort of combining your last two posts here…Vacuous and empty. Your eyes looked so lifeless in that “before” picture that I wouldn’t have even recognized you, to be honest. I think it’s very important that you posted it, as it truly shows how alive you are now–even with the stress, the anxiety, the uncertainty–that’s life, and you have hope and life in those eyes again!
Anyway, I’m so excited for you for your trip. Actually, I’m even excited that you were able to “tolerate” avocados into another delicious recipe, as I know you will come to love the green goodness eventually…come to the dark side, Sophia!
Have a great trip and thank you for just being you…I know I don’t “know” you, but I do know that you care. On days when it feels like no one does, your comments and your posts are a little pang of hope
I sound like an idiot, but your faith is contagious. Plus, my mom loves me no matter what. I’ve tested it a few times, and it seems to be a sure thing!
You run perhaps the most inspiring blog I’ve ever had the pleasure of reading–not only from the standpoint of someone recovering from anorexia, but also just as a fellow human being. You’re, all-around, an amazing person, so full of life and appreciation for the beauty around you. Your humor and open-mindedness always make your updates such a pleasure.
Hmm. I’m already being blown away to a few treasured destinations this summer, but if I could just somehow prolong my summer a little longer–Morocco, Israel, and Japan.
The apple crepe looks DELICIOUS
I definitely wish me and my entire family could be blown to Italy where my parents once lived 
My mama and my husband love me.
London for sure! I love that city!
My family, friends, and boyfriend all love me! I would love to be blown away to Argentina so I can see my best friend who has been living there for 3 years!
God loves me and has provided so many people to love me too like Hunni, my mom and many many friends who love me for reasons I’ll never understand.
congrats on finishing up the year! you’re going to have a great summer, I know it!! And everyone is going to be so happy to see your beautiful, healthy self.
Congrats. Fancy, fancy.
School is tough so you definitely deserve a huge dose of relaxation. I cannot remember if I commented on your previous post, but I commend your courage for putting it all out there. I think it’s very inspirational and also a great step towards healing. Your crepes also look simply scrumptous. I’ve never thought to incorporate squash into the batter but now I think that is genius and my have to try.
Self-love is soo important and it’s sad that your friends felt that way about themselves,especially because I’m sure you see them as wonderful, caring people. I pray that those thoughts go away from everyone’s heads that has them.
Have an amazing and safe trip!!
I feel blessed to know many people love me and a big part that helped me realize that others could love me was beginning to understand God loves me. I like how you point out love is irrational. Because it really is. We each have our weakness but we also have our strengths and those will appeal to someone. We are so quick to focus on the bad in ourselves but not recognize the good.
On a lighter note – that is one NICE student lounge! I’ll go back to school to hang out there for free.
My family and friends love me! And if I could be blown away anywhere in the world.. Egypt. I’ve always wanted to visit and I can’t WAIT until I get around to it. The pyramids have been something I’ve fantasized about seeing since I was a kid.
I can’t wait to hear about your travels!! You’re so freaking lucky.
I’d like to be blown away to Tahiti!!
Have a safe trip. I hope the flight goes as well as the lounging. Enjoy it and take so many pics for all of us to see.
Wow – I never really realized what I’d been missing by flying coach. Someday I’ll have to upgrade and enjoy a spread like that!
Yup – your story touched me. Enjoy the flight and the trip…and free food – that’s free – YES!
Have a safe trip Sophia!!! Can’t wait to read the adventures of your trip.
If I were blown away i think I’d go to Paris. It only because I’ve always wanted to go there.
You’re flying in style fo sho! I wish I was going too! Self-love is easier said than done for me. Your posts always inspire God’s love in me though. It’s a very humbling message you’re spreading and I am so happy to know there are people like you in the world.
<3 Tori
A kabocha crepe?!! You’re blowing ME away with this recipe!! This sounds incredible!!
Love you pretty girl!! Have a fabulous trip!!
I hope you enjoyed every second of business class. You so deserve it!!
I’ve often thought about that subject, self love versus love from others. I do see where people are coming from when they say you must love yourself first but I think it’s vital to have others’ love, too. I also think it’s good to see beyond yourself. Great thoughts on the matter, Sophia!
I’ve made some of your kabocha recipes before and I really want to try more! I jut hope kabochas aren’t too expensive this time of year.
I think right now, I would like to blown away to the Caribbean. Somehow, sitting on a beach in the sun with a drink with a little umbrella in it, doesn’t sound like a bad place to be at all.
What a creative crepe combination! I love all the colors in this dish too.
I love big thick sandwiches…
You really are amazing. I just need to let you know that. I don’t have a clue as to what the whole disordered process must have been like, but I know it was incredibly, life-rockingly difficult, and to see you so positive, so creative, and with such zest for life is simply beautiful!
If I had to be blown anywhere, it would be to the Virgin Islands. I’d open a bar serving fruity rum drinks and live a simple life.
So glad you are having fun – and after my post on Syria you have to ask =)
Now that I’m back in Joel Olstein country, posts like yours inspire me even more. It’s not about grand ceremony and inspiring rah-rahs, it’s about truth, and you cut through all the haze and kick truth right in the face.
I admit, I cringed when I saw your photo–in sadness for all that you’ve gone through. I wanted to hug you right then and there. But then it made me realize more than ever how lucky I am I found your blog. Because you’ve helped me with my own disordered thoughts more than anyone else…and there’s a slew of therapists and medical professionals in competition!
You are going to have a blast this summer! Take great pics!
((hugs)) *sniff*
i’ve only flown business class once but i’m still remember that lounge….ah….
I hope your trip is going well!!!
My husband is amazing. He always makes me feel loved and gorgeous no matter what! Right now I’m six months pregnant and he makes me feel incredibly beautiful even though my belly is big!
My husband totally LOVES me! He is my best friend and always compliments me on things (not just looks). We are perfect partners! I am glad you are enjoying yourself so far! I hope you have a safe trip!
I want to go to New Zealand and I know my church family and my parents love me. And God!
Oh and that wrap looks great!
i agreed with everything you said about love.
who loves me? my doggies =)
Haha, I love you too, Annie!
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