A while ago, I received a call out of the blue from Ted. If you recall from this post, Ted is an old friend of mine, a mentally disordered guy with whom I used to do bible study. He was also a key factor in yanking me away from my eating disorder to true recovery.
It had been months since I last was in contact with him, so I was both pleased and surprised to hear from him. But after a few minutes of conversation, I quickly became incredibly discouraged and dejected. Ted…seemed to have relapsed back into his old disordered ways.
Ted was straight to the point. “I’m not doing well, Sophia,” he told me. “I broke down once and bashed my parents’ door to bits. They had to call the police. I think everyone is staring at me, and trying to seduce me. They keep trying to manipulate me. My therapist is ignoring me. I called her 30 times and she didn’t answer…”
My smile turned down as he related his problems and anxieties to me, and pretty soon I was wearing a frustrated frown. I quickly interrupted Ted, and in an exasperated tone, bluntly told him that he was being deceived by his disordered thoughts again. I preached for a full 15 minutes or so. And then I stopped, because I suddenly realized that Ted wasn’t responding.
“Hello? You listening, Ted?” I asked.
“Yes,” Ted replied.
Silence. I started to feel uneasy.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
“No, Sophia…” Ted said. “When I called you, I didn’t want a lecture. I didn’t want a preacher. I just wanted a friend. I’m all alone, Sophia. I don’t have anyone to turn to. I just wanted to talk. I just…wanted a friend who cares.”
It was like a slap in the face. My face flushed at once, and I wanted to kick myself. Of course. What was I thinking, lecturing about what’s right and what’s wrong to Ted?
I remembered the time when I was really struggling with my eating disorder: so many people came up to me trying to persuade me. Trying to teach me. Pretending to understand, when they didn’t. Because if they did, they would have known that what I really needed then, was love and care and compassion. And this was exactly what Ted needed, too.
“I’m sorry, Ted,” I said. “Let’s start over. Tell me what’s bothering you.”
Thus Ted reiterated all his problems to me—all of his crazy, ridiculous, irrational thoughts and anxieties. And I listened. But this time, I kept my judgments out of the way. I forgot about what was “right” and what was “wrong”. I just listened. As someone who may not completely understand, but one who is trying to be an equal, a friend, a person who cares. And in the meantime, I kept praying, and asking God to give me the wisdom to say the right thing.
Of course, after Ted was done, I still had to share a few of my opinions and perceptions. But this time, I did not belittle him, but simply shared my point of view in the gentlest way possible.
The difference in Ted’s reaction was amazing, and in short, absolutely rewarding. It was like my little flicker of compassion lit a light bulb in his head, and he was like a kid who just figured out a math problem. “Oh wow,” Ted exclaimed. “I never thought of it that way. Thank you, Sophia. I think I understand now. You made it so clear to me.”
Our interaction was only about 30 to 40 minutes. But the impression of our conversation left a deep inscription in me. I once again learned a huge lesson when it comes to friends who come to me with problems: Be a friend. Listen as a friend. Act as a friend. Care as a friend. Sometimes, the right things to say may not be as evident. At times like this, even a simple hug, or crying together…that helps. Because when we’re down, all we really need…is to feel loved and understood.
Not the biggest revelation, but it’s something that I need to be reminded of from time to time. Sometimes, it really doesn’t take much to make a person feel better. I’m glad that even though I was all the way across the country, Ted could still find a friend in me.
This made me realize that I’m also incredibly blessed, because I receive so much random acts of friendships from time to time, too. In fact, Mara from What’s For Dinner gave me just that. When I expressed an interest in a Singaporean spice she used in one of her dishes, she immediately offered to send me one:
Yeah, one. More like a whole rack of spices! Mara sent me not just the Singaporean spice, but ground Galangal, Cajun seasoning, and Sate seasoning from Penzey’s Spices. I was so freaking touched by her generosity and kindness! Mara, you seriously rock ass!
I’ve mostly been using these spices on vegetables, eggs, meat, etc. But I decided that Mara needed her own special recipe. That was the least I could do. Mara, this dish is for you.
“Singaporean Pineapple Fried Rice” Grits
The “Pineapple Fried Rice” part:
- olive oil
- 1 clove garlic, minced
- 1/4 red onion, diced
- Mara’s Singapore spice
- a few green olives, diced
- about 1/2 cup fresh pineapple, chopped
- about 1 cup of Quorn grounds (will explain it later)
- small bunch of mung bean sprouts
- a handful of raisins
- chicken broth
The “grits” part:
- 1 clove garlic, minced
- 1/4 onion, diced
- Mara’s Singapore spice
- 1/2 cup yellow grits
- 1 cup almond milk
- about 1 cup chicken broth
- 1 heaping spoonful cream cheese
The garnish:
- handful of green onions, diced
- handful of pork floss (I’ll explain this later too)
Heat up oil in a pan. Toss in the garlic and onions, fry for a minute or so. Add in the rest of the ingredients, and season to taste with the Singapore spice. If the mixture gets dry, add in a few drops of chicken broth, simmer for awhile until it’s dry and cooked.
Check it out…new pan!! 
I won it at the lovely Christine’s giveaway! It’s my baby now. (So are my new spices. I have a lot of babies now).
Meanwhile, in another pot, cook onions and garlic in some chicken broth until softened. Add in grits, almond milk, and chicken broth. Season with spices. When the grits are cooked, stir in the cream cheese until creamy and combined.
To serve, ladle the grits into a dish. Top with the “pineapple fried” stuff. Sprinkle with green onions and pork floss. 
Okay, about the Quorn grounds. You can basically use any ground meat, like pork or beef. But I decided to kill two birds in one stone by trying out the Quorn grounds I got from Quorn company. 
I think it tasted okay. Certainly better than a lot of “meat” I’ve tried. But just not as good a real ground beef. The neat thing, once again, was that it needed no thawing. Just pop out of the freezer and use. So convenient. Check out my review on their other product, the Chik’n Nugget.
The next mystery ingredient, the fabulous pork floss: 
Susan said it looked like lint the last time I featured it. LOL! Maybe, but trust me, it is the most fantastic stuff ever. It’s a Chinese ingredient, usually used over rice porridge, or congee or jook. But in Singapore, the pineapple fried rice always comes served in a hollowed out pineapple, and sprinkled with liberal amounts of pork floss. 
It’s glorious. Basically, it’s dried pork, shredded to look like this: 
Nutritionally, it’s not exactly the next Superfood. But it’s pretty pure protein, just uh…with a few preservatives and MSG. But hey, a little goes a long way, and I’ve been eating this stuff since I was little, and I’m not deformed or anything. So, I proclaim it absolutely safe and sound. Oh, and freaking tasty. I sprinkle this on all my veggies.
Back to my “Singaporean Pineapple Fried Rice” Grits: 
I don’t know what to say that I don’t always say about my own cooking. I thought it was awesome. I loved the spices in there…it’s truly a unique blend of spices. I can’t say it’s exactly Singaporean, just like how Singaporean noodles aren’t really Singaporean either, and fortune cookies aren’t really Chinese (Please tell me you knew this already). 
You can definitely make this with rice instead of grits, but you know I hate rice, and besides, the creaminess of the grits really contrasted well with the piquant spices of the pineapple and “meat”. 
I adored the raisins and olives in there. Sweet, yet salty. 
Obviously you can leave out the pork floss…but you’ll be missing out! 
Open wide, Mara! Here’s a big spoonful for you: 
And for you, my dear readers, I have an announcement to make: The Celestial Seasonings Tea “Natural Wellness” Kit giveaway winner!
Using the Random Integer website, this was the number that the random machine chose:
102
I tried to do the screenshot thing, but somehow, Live Writer is refusing to accept the screenshot picture, which really sucks. But anyway, that means the winner is…
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.
.
.
.
.
.
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Corey from Hope is Real!
Congrats, Corey! Email me your address, and you’ll soon be having a tea party! 
Thanks for entering the giveaway, guys! By the way, I won’t be sharing my Sweet Treat Wednesday today…because it’s kinda special. So I’ll share it on my next post.
Question of the day: What is the best thing a friend did for you to cheer you up when you were down?
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I am SO jealous of those spices; they look fantastic!
Your story about Ted reminded me of something that happened not too long ago with my sister. I confessed to her that my disordered eating had returned, and I poured my heart out (in an email, because she’s on the other side of the world right now). She responded by saying that she wasn’t going to give me advice or cautions or anything like that, but that she knew that I’M the only one who can really help myself and that I have the tools to do it, and that she believes in me.
When I read it, I just breathed this sigh of relief and all felt right with the world. Knowing that someone was on my side… that she wasn’t brushing me off or telling me what to do or getting exasperated… was actually one of the things that HELPED me the most in fighting back against the disordered eating.
I’m glad that you and Ted were able to be so open and honest about your thoughts and feelings- it sounds as though you were a real help for him.
That story was so touching, Sophia.
You know, I think the best thing is that Ted told you what he needed. So often, I’ve been “lectured to” (my sister and dad are big fans of this) and I just get really quiet and say, “Ok, bye.” He was open with you and I think that enabled you to let go a bit and respond to his vulnerabilities. I’ve realized that being a friend is just listening. Most people know the “right” way to think/be, but they need someone to help them listen to how/why they went “wrong.” I’ve gained a lot of compassion from my eating disorder. I used to be really, really judgmental and impatient with others’ issues. I don’t think I’m that way so much anymore.
Girl, you are right on: Be a friend. Listen as a friend. Act as a friend. Care as a friend.
I’ve had those moments and hope someone will do that for me one day when I need it. You’re too good!
What a good lesson for all of us. I think as a society, we’re all too quick to offer advice and try to “fix” everyone’s problems. We fail to realize that sometimes people don’t want advice, they just need to vent a little. Thanks for reminding us of this!
Oh that made my heart melt…what a great lesson from you and Ted! Thanks for this awesome post!!
Hello, sweetie, I miss your blog, life has been hectic. I hope you are well! loving school and all that!
I am not always the best listener, but it is true, sometimes people just want you to listen!
see you soon,
jen
Listening is one of the most commendable aspects of a good friend. Sometimes, the best companion is one who will not try to solve our problems by telling us what we should or shouldn’t do. I think deep down, we always know what we should or shouldn’t do, but sometimes we just need a friend to hear us as we think out loud.
I hope Ted realizes that you have his best interest at heart. You are such a great friend for being there for him!
Mara is such a sweetheart!
The rice looks amazing Sophia!
You’re a really good friend Sophia. Most busy, academically-stressed people would shun another person’s problems just to focus on their own sanity. Although the pork floss is making me gag, I’m really impressed with your compassion for others
Sophia this is a wonderfull story, thank you for sharing and reminding all of us to listen.
Its clear you made a huge impact on his life simply by listening and being someone he can turn to, God has blessed him by putting you in his life.And clearly he has made and impression on you, God is good. <3
Hmm I have had so many friends do all sorts of things for me but the most memorable thing was when I was really upset and about to enter treatment one of my best friends had me sleep over at her house and we watched movies, walked, talked, laughed cried, shared our anxieties,prayed, and just were. We are still best friends to this day I love love love her and we have grown such a fantastic friendship!
Have a great night girl!
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3
What a great reminder! This reminds us to listen! Its so important to listen to our friends
I used to love pork floss when I was a little ‘un …
You’ve definitely got some great friends
You were being a wonderful and natural friend to Ted. I think our natural reaction when we see someone in need, especially with something we think we can “fix”, is to try “helping” them as much as possible, often by giving advice. I know I find it difficult to resist this impulse. But, you are right – an open ear is the best help a friend could be.
The biggest thing any of my friends have done for me is just being there and listening when I’m down. I can get a little wacky, so it really means alot.
I’ve had many experiences like this before, but typically it’s not with a guy. It’s rare for a guy to admit that he “just needs someone to listen and be a friend”. It’s very good that he felt he could be honest with you though, and you were a good friend to respect his wishes. The best thing a friend can do for me when I am in a situation like that is…well…listen, just like Ted said. That’s all I want, and my good friends typically give it to me. Even Nick can listen pretty well
I LOVE Penzey’s spices!! They are so good, and the prices are outstanding. this dish looks amazing. Wow, I’m so impressed. I want to eat my screen.
Ohhh! Pork floss!! Love it with …BREAD! Haha.
Hey, sophia, no worries, I tend to do taht too.. tryin to be all “superior” & start churning out advice instead of listening first, to me cos I;m alws like “huh.. why r u like that, its obvious that you SHOULD..”
Yups, then i realized whn i ws dwn, & how much i apprecite the ppl who just shut up & listen as i poured it out,without tryin to add their thots & conclusion. Yes, sometimes thts wht we nd, a non judgemental fren who cares to listen
Great story because it’s so true. There are many time I just want to VENT and have someone listen, not repeat back to me things I “should” be doing and how I “should” be feeling. Most of the time, I now this already, but it’s not like I can just flip a switch and be “better.” I love that Ted told you what he needed, as I think that’s the piece that’s often so ambiguous and confusing. We make assumptions that we have to “fix” things, and unless we tell someone otherwise, how can we expect them to know what we want/need?
Ted is lucky to have you as a friend. Seriously. Now that pork floss thing? Not so much…
Sophia, thank you so much for this post. You had such an insightful relation: indeed, it is so easy for us to share our judgments with other people, but sometimes, what they really want is just someone to listen, a compassionate friend. Truly listening while still offering helpful advice – it’s a delicate balance. But as long as we try…
Wonderful write up Sophia, very touching!
That fried rice look delicious.
great story. i hope ted is doing better at the moment. the best thing a friend has done? well the most recent was during my 20 mile race when my friend i was with stayed with me and my slowness because i was in pain. i was sooo touched by that gesture!
That story is absolutely incredible! Loveee it. How sweet of him to call and how sweet of you to just listen
<3 jess
xoxo
I am so guilty of lecturing when someone just needs an ear. Totally something I need to work on but it all comes down to my lack of patience! You are a great friend Sophia. I know where to go when I need someone to listen to me!
When I had Maya and was in the depths of the nightmare that is a screaming infant, my best friend brought over dinner for me and held Maya so I could eat in peace. Seriously better than any gift I received!
Woman I went to an asian supermarket today and I sooooo needed you there! They had so many beautiful fruits there but I didn’t know what anything was! Next time I am going to snap pictures of thing and tm you lol
Lint describes this “pork floss” perfectly! It seriously looks like the stuff I find in my dryer’s lint trap!
You are always cooking up something interesting!!
Great, insightful post (as always
). I really like the reminder to stop and listen to people before telling them what to do, something we’ve ALL been guilty of!
what a great story sophia, thank you for sharing it. and, err, in case you didnt know…your pork has grown some hair. LOL!
last night after bible study, one of my girlfriends sat down with me and drew me out a little. ive been struggling a LOT in my relationship with my husband. we both have with each other i guess. she listened, but also gave me a little of her insight and even an “assignment.” she is so caring that i decided to take it on, and it opened the lines between my husband and myself for a time. i know God was working through her in this.
It’s definitely hard sometimes to put all of your opinions aside and just listen to someone without judgment or without being didactic. You are awesome for really trying to do this for your friend. Sometimes it’s nice just to have someone be there.
Love this dish! Nothing like the power of friendship to really get your creative juices flowing.
When my grandfather past away, my best friends made me a card and got all of the members of our dance team to sign it and brought it to my house. Just knowing that they were all thinking of me in that tough time, was so special.
<3 Tori
I loved this. I loved your mistake of lecturing b/c it shows how much you care. I loved that he was forthright enough to tell you what he needed and that you changed gears and you both benefitted in the end. That pork floss looks super ugly–like clumps of blonde kinky hair that’s been briefly passed through fire–but I’d definitely try it! Pork rules! I love your creativity in cooking and am always inspired by it.
So awesome that you could just be there for Ted! So hard to do, but very important sometimes. Friends have done a lot for me; usually the nicest thing is just being there to talk, on the phone or in person.
That dish sounds simply amazing. I love pineapple stir-fry stuff, and I hate rice too! Not sure about the pork floss or olives, but I’m down for everything else!
BTW, still working on your guest post. School is getting in the way but I haven’t forgotten!
Have a good Thursday!
xoxo Caronae
wow- what a way to humble yourself! It is like a reminder from God! You are incredible for realizing this, pondering it and sharing it! Many people aren’t that removed from their ego’s as you are! I found this so inspiring and reaffirming! ?Thanks! Also, I have been cleaning for 6hrs straight= and as per your suggestion, I am just GARBAGING everything!
Love you!
Barbara
This is kind of sad, but I honestly can’t think of anything a friend has done to try and cheer me up when I was down. I mean, I am not down very often … but even when I have been in the past, I don’t remember anything special. Maybe just listening.
It’s so very true. Sometimes the best thing you can do for a friend is to not say anything, but just to be there. Often, they don’t need to hear you give advice or opinions. Sometimes, it’s just enough to have someone caring so close by.
i love that you call it pork floss. when i was in college we dubbed it “carpet pork”
The best thing one of my best friend’s did for me was just to be there when I had a problem. I’d return that same gesture when they would confide in me. It’s always been something I found great with those who I associate with.
Ted is lucky to have a friend like you..I hope he is doing better now. Best thing a friend did for me? Lent me the entire Harry Potter series of books whilst I was in hospital! Harry got me through some difficult times hehe
Sarah x
Sophia – you have made a big impact in my thinking with posts like this and others and I have not even met you in person. Whenever I miss my dear old friend who had passed on – I try to be friendly and helpful to strangers and be a better friend to my friends. Sometimes I can be so self-absorbed and distant so I have to remind myself to reach out also to my friends to let them know that I need them. Your recipes are one of a kind and so creative. I liked pork floss until I had to avoid the MSG from my diets.
Your posts are always deep, I wish I could dig more into myself like that, as for the food… I remember having the “hair-like-shredded-pork” and well, lard just helps even everything out, eh?
Congrats to the winner.
What a beautiful, beautiful post…This touched me so much. You’re so special Sophia…
xxx Julia (Taste of Living)
The nicest thing would be….
Gosh, this needs thought. I will get back to you. I hate to say this, but I have always felt very failed by my friends. They are “nice” enough, but as an adult, I have lived all over and have few really, truly deep friendships that i can count on for really big life stuff.
Great question and thank you for your meat/vegan replies and I thought your comment(s) were most exellent and so well-articulated..you’re just awesome Sophia!!!
xoxo
I think we can all relate to how difficult it is to be lectured. It’s a natural human reaction, but it’s ten times more important to offer an ear and an open mind to our friends. If I hate being belittled, why should I think anyone else will benefit from it? Your friendship with Ted is incredible…I’m constantly amazed at the way you can critique your own actions in the most positive, self-constructed in truthful ways. It’s something I’m working on!!
Have a great Thursday
My friends cheer me up just by being there! Happy Thursday!
I love Penzey’s…I use that Sate seasoning on appropriately non-sate items.
Your story I think is one we could all really internalize–just to listen to people rather than feel obligated to say something or solve their problems for them. We want to help out of love and feel inadequate when there is nothing right to say; but people don’t expect that so much as a shoulder to cry on.
This was a lovely story. You are totally right — sometimes we want to “help” friends by telling them the right thing to do, but often they just need someone to listen.
Love this post! I think that listening is really important. There is one person in my life who’s currently struggling so much and I always make sure to just listen and be there for my pal. That’s all they need.
My dad listened to me when I was at my worst and it helped me more than anything else. It was so precious and cheered me up a lot.
Thank you for sharing this story. A true friend is one who is there to listen, not pass judgements. Thank you for the reminder.
My best friend is my hubby. Sometimes just a little cuddle makes me feel happy again.
*kisses* HH
awwwww Sophia!! LOVE this post, love this story!! and your dishes are always soooo tasty! I hope you are having a fabulous thursday!!
xoxo!
A great thoughtful post as always. I think it’s hard, particularly when someone is in a place like your friend because often people just want to be listened to, but sometimes they need a stronger wakeup call. As someone who’s gone through depression, anxiety, and OCD (ugh such an awful list) there were times when I wanted to be listened to, but when I also needed something stronger to jolt me out of my current situation.
from my experiences of having many heart to heart conversations with my friends, i’ve learned that it’s always better to listen first and hear what they really need to say and unleash. i’ve been guilty of lecturing first without truly listening and i’ve learned my lesson. as a true friend, sometimes emotions get in the way of what’s right. we may not agree with what they have to say but the least we can do is listen. after they’ve said what they need to say and have calmed down then i give them my opinions. afterall, nobody truly listens when they’re mad right? i’m glad that Ted has such a great friend like you that he knows he can turn to any time. i loved that you showed great patience and restarted the conversation in a whole new perspective. some people may have been fed up and tried to end the conversation. you did a spectacular job of being what Ted really needed at the time. great job handling the whole situation Sophia.
Hi, this dish looks amazing. I will have to be honest, the pork floss freaks me out majorly
but aside from that, WOWZER. I love grits. Do you like shrimp ‘n cheddar grits with fried green tomatoes? I do.
Also, thanks for reminding us all that sometimes we just need to listen. The world is so loud and fast and sometimes it’s easy to feel like you must be constantly be putting your shout out there — but more often than not, our friends need from us an impartial, kind, listening ear.
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