*Warning: May be a bit long and wordy…but I promise you it’s worth a read. If you’re not feeling for wordiness though, just skip down to the food. That’s totally worth the stay, too!
I’ve had a few questions from my readers asking what finally motivated me to recover from my eating disorder. For years, I had been suffering from my eating disorder in all forms—anorexia, bulimia, orthorexia, compulsive exercise, spit-and-chew, et cetera, et cetera. If it is categorized under an eating disorder, I’d pretty much done them all. So what finally turned things around? When was the turning point for me to change that suffering into a struggling…and to eventually come this far…in less than a year?
The truth is…the process of my recovery had started way beforehand. Even in the depths of my ED, I believe that God’s work had already begun—from the moment my parents gave me up to Him, and prayed tearfully for me. Medically, I should have died a long time ago…but it was the prayers of my family, and my church, that sustained me till now.
A lot of factors played into my recovery:
- The love that God showed to me through the people around me touched me deeply, and changed my self-hatred around to self-realization and self-appreciation.
- Through my anguish and depression, I found myself becoming more and more thirsty for the Lord, and I was somehow forced to know and understand Him more, thus gaining peace and insight into my condition.
- Because I was robbed of a normal college lifestyle, I was forced to stay at home with my parents…but through that, I fostered a closer and more intimate bond with them.
- As time whirled past me while my friends in college attended internships and studied abroad, I was gripped by a shocking realization that I really needed to make a change.
- My trip to Singapore kicked my out of my safe routine and environment, dragging me into situations full of new challenges.
As I look back, it’s evident to me that God was always with me, each and every step of the way, no matter how weak and hopeless I was. Everything that happened to me had a purpose, and despite many setbacks and mistakes that I made along the way, God was gently pushing and prodding me towards recovery. However, if I had to single out one particular turning point, in which the gentle prodding from God turned into a full yank, it would have to be when I started to care for someone else instead of myself. And that person was a 33-year-old guy named Ted. Ted, in many ways, was exactly like me, just with another name for his mental disorder. He was once smart, bright, and ambitious; he graduated with honors from his high school and got into a pretty good college. But he fell into a serious depression his first year of college, and was forced to take leave. And he has never returned. I don’t know the exact name for his disorder, except that like me, he is unable to socialize. He is entrapped in his own world, his own utterly disordered thoughts and obsessions. He is paranoid about the most random things, and worries about the smallest details that seem so trivial to me but is of utmost importance to him. Another similarity he and I shared was that we were both hungry for help. And somehow, he and I found one another. Ted started attending our church, and he was desperately looking for someone to teach him more about the bible. Unfortunately, our church was a Chinese-speaking church, and few had the time and English-speaking skills to be able to teach him. When I heard about him, I immediately offered to help. I don’t know what possessed me to volunteer like that. At that time I was less than half my ideal body weight, and I was literally teetering at the brink of death. But something about Ted’s condition struck me deeply…I saw my own struggles in him, and I was filled with empathy and compassion for him. So we started our bible study. We met every Wednesday night, and each time we met, Ted would share all his struggles, concerns, and obsessions with me. And let me tell you…they were freaking ridiculous. Absolutely illogical and absurd thoughts that left me flabbergasted. But the most shocking thing was that Ted himself didn’t realize how crazy he sounded, until I had to stop and remind him over and over again. And that was when I realized that I was the same exact way. A lot of obsessions, rituals, and behaviors that I practiced at that time were totally stupid and ridiculous, but to me, it was so incredibly real and logical. That was when it hit me exactly how much I was deceived and consumed by that disgusting, abhorrent Eating Disorder Demon. I no longer viewed my eating disorder as an irritating cold, like some kind of mere temporary, inconvenient illness. No, ED was real, and it was damn scary. If I continued to leave it free and rampant inside of me, it would kill me. All of a sudden, I was no longer “okay” with ED. I no longer wanted to endure him—I wanted to kill him before he killed me. I was filled with a burning rage of hatred towards ED, and it was that raving wrath that eventually saved my life. Our bible study might have started out with me trying to help Ted, but in the end, it was really Ted who helped me. And I find this scenario extremely beautiful…That two completely different people, sharing a rare bond of similar sufferings, would turn away from their own problems to show empathy and compassion to each other instead…and ultimately to find hope in their own recovery. Perhaps you believe in karma…but I believe that God really blessed me in every meeting that I had with Ted. Phew! Wordiness! NEDA week is almost over (or is it already over?), but I wanted to share my story before it ended. But of course, I have more stories to tell…I just need to space it out a bit before this blog gets too sappy. Speaking of karma…Remember that spiralizer-slicer giveaway I did a while back? Remember I so (a-hem) “selflessly” denied myself the slow-cooker that I really wanted and decided to gift one of my readers instead? Well, guess what landed on my doorstep? The thing is, just a day before I received this slow-cooker, I’d been browsing online for ideas on how to cook beans, and I’d come across so many great crockpot bean recipes that I had woefully sighed, “If only I had a slow-cooker!” So imagine my delight when I received a brand new one the following evening! Of course, I had to try my new slow-cooker out as soon as possible, so I decided to use it to feed my bible study group on Friday. Coincidentally, one of my bible group friends had been sick for days, so a homey, warm crockpot meal was perfect for her too! Korean-Style Burrito Bowl A day before, soak the dried black beans in clean water, for 12-24 hours. Rinse, and dump into the slow-cooker. In a large skillet, fry up the garlic, onion, and celery: The next morning, prepare white rice (I used my roommate’s rice-cooker). Mound a good serving of rice onto a dish, ladle a good amount of slow-cooker beans over, decorate with avocado slices, and sprinkle with cheddar cheese. By the way, I’m not done with the slow-cooker yet…I’ve got so many things I wanna try! So stay tuned! And see you on Sweet Treat Wednesday! Question of the day: Any previously eating disordered individuals out there who would like to share his.her recovery turning points? 
A SLOW-COOKER!!!! Oh, gorgeous thing…sent by the dearest, most generous lady on earth, Christina! I’ve already sung heaps of praises on my dear blogger-twin Christina…now let me croak out my thanks again! Christina, thank you so freaking much…I’ve been wanting this for months and months, and you’re an absolute angel for surprising me with this thoughtful, wonderful gift!!
Cook for about 4 minutes, and then throw in the ground turkey, crack some fresh black pepper over, and cook until the meat is almost done. Throw into the slow-cooker. 
Mix together the gochujang, red pepper flakes, soy sauce, and honey until smooth. Pour into the slow-cooker with the dried figs. Pour enough beef broth to slightly cover the mixture. Set the slow-cooker to high for about 4 hours, and then turn it down to low for another 6 hours or so until the beans are done. 
Warning: be careful of the steam that whooshes out when you open the lid! I got an unexpected facial! Tee hee! 
Simple, no-flair, honest-to-goodness meal. 
It was spicy, but not too spicy, with a faint sweetness from the honey and dried figs. But definitely with enough kick to clear your sinuses on a cold day! 
My friends went for seconds. I was jolly pleased that they enjoyed it so much! The best compliment I ever got, was when my sick friend said, “I have had no appetite for days because of congestion…and now I’ve gained it back!” Top that! 
I stuck with the safer white rice because I didn’t want to scare my friends with brown rice. Heh. It soaked up all the juices from the slow-cooker beans, and was actually quite good! 
If you don’t like rice, you can always serve this with corn or flour tortillas, too. 
Thanks, Christina, for feeding both me and my hungry friends! 
And thanks to the commenter who asked me the question about my recovery. That was a great question, and it felt great and rewarding to put it down into concrete words.
And for those of you who were fortunate not to endure ED…any ideas for my slow-cooker? What should I make next?
Related posts:
{ 95 comments… read them below or add one }
Next Comments →
Thanks for sharing a part of your recovery story with us, Sophia. I think you have a lot to be grateful for, especially Ted, and I’m glad you you made the decision to help him out.
I was definitely there (on Twitter) when you received the slow cooker–haha. I felt like I was there!
Thank you for sharing this story.
That burrito bowl looks ridiculous and puts Chipotle to shame. I don’t eat meat, but I bet some soy crumbles would work ya? YUM.
I loved reading your story. Even if someone hasn’t suffered from an eating disorder, they could learn a lot about themselves through other people.
That was so nice of Christina to send you a slow cooker! I’ve heard slow cooker chili and potatoes are good
What a great story…I feel like we all have a little bit of “Ted” in us. I know I say things to Ali that seem ridiculously illogical and he just looks at me like what?? I’m so glad that you were able to learn from Ted.
I have that same slow cooker and it is fabulous. My only thing is that I find it hard to clean it sometimes, things get stuck and I can never get it fully clean. Can’t wait to see more of your recipes so I can dust mine off and use it again!
Try spraying it w/ non stick spray first. I have almost the same one (mine has the clips for the lid to transport it) and the black enamel wasn’t getting clean. Now I use the spray ea. time and it eliminates like half the scrubbing!
wow- powerful story about Ted!
i too have dabbled in basically every eating disorder there is (except pica..the one where you eat paint chips and stuff..) it’s horrible! i always love reading about your ED (i mean your recovery!) is that weird? it’s just so inspiring! i love how positive you are and how you don’t get preachy about it, you just show us by example! you are such a social butterfly and an adventurous eater, a real go getter at school, the whole package! and you’re so much stronger because of everything you’ve overcome, which has led you to be even more solid in your faith. great post sophia!
I really enjoyed reading this story, on many levels. Just out of curiousity what happened to Ted? Did he manage to get better?
As for the slow cooker, I highly recommend fruit butters!!!!!
That’s amazing, thank you for sharing that story. I wonder if Ted knows he helped spark a turning point in someone’s life? It seems like the people and things we least expect tend to do that though.
I loved reading your story Sophia! Thank you for sharing it w/ us and the surprising gift you and Ted were to each other! That truly sounds like God working his magic!
You’re very welcome (again!) for the slow cooker! It was just one of those things where I wanted you to have it so badly b/c I love mine so much and didn’t want you w/o! *TIP* No matter what you’re cooking, I find if you spray the inside first w/ non-stick spray it greatly helps w/ the clean-up process!
That looks like a great first meal to christen the slow cooker w/! I love beans in the slow-cooker b/c dried ones are so much cheaper and you can develop their flavors in there. Also, I have that same wooden spoon!
I think next for the slow cooker should be some PORK! Mmm such a lovely meat. Grab a big ole hunk and after a few hours shred it! So tender and juicy! It never gets dried out like in the oven!
Thank you for being so honest with your ED, so that others can benefit from your experience.
Christina is soooo cool for sending such a fab gift!
Thank you for sharing your story. You’re truly an inspiration. God does work in mysterious ways and it’s always a wonderful thing.
I like to cook BBQ pulled chicken in my slow cooker as well as various soups. ;-D
Wow…what a story. I’m so glad this Ted came in your life, because you deserve this ‘other life’ so, so much…
Big hug to you!
xxx Julia (Taste of Living)
Amen to this and Thank the Good Lord this dawned on you: I wanted to kill him before he killed me. I was filled with a burning rage of hatred towards ED, and it was that raving wrath that eventually saved my life. ”
I am sooo happy for your journey into recovery!!!
The slow cooker. I dont have one, it’s like the opposite of “high raw” LOL but seriously, I’d like to get one to play around with! have fun and can’t wait to see the slow cooker eats!
You are so brave to share this story and offer it up as inspiration and hope for other people who may be struggling with an ED. Thank you thank you thank you!
What a sweet blog-twin you have
Have you even tried duck slow-cooked? Peter makes a 5 hr one that tastes great and not dry at all.
I LOVE my slow cooker. I really only ever have made different meats in it – they are so incredibly tender!
wow, what a story and how powerful. THank you beyond words fro sharing with us
I want to get a slow cooker so badly…ther are so many delicious meals you can make with it!!
Loved every word. I’d like to think I don’t have a disorder. I just get really thin when I decide to do a competition??? Have you heard of drunkorexia? I used to have that.
I would love a slow cooker!
I think you are right, there was never ONE THING that caused me to start turning around and enjoying life again, ED free. It was a series of events, that played through, and each time knocked on my door and said, “helllllo!! You need to get better!!!!”. haha, that was lame.. But seriously, so many things happened, and I learned from each one of them. I knew I couldn’t do it alone, so I had a counselor, I had someone to talk to, and I trusted in myself that I could do it (trust in yourself is a HUGE part of the process). It was a long ride, but everyday it was easier.
Great post SOphia. You are such a fantastic person, and you are helping so many people out there who are sturggling right now. Keep up your amazing work.
What a wonderful story…I’ve loved hearing everyone’s inspiring messages this NEDA week
You are truly an inspiration, to have come so far in recovery! Have a great Monday love!
Oh my goodness, I loved this post. Even though it is incredibly sad, I love hearing about recovery stories that stem from the Lord. Because honestly, I don’t know how people do it without Him! Granted I’m not the best person ever, but I love being able to recognize when God does something in my life. It is so huge! And this story of you and Ted is unbelievable. Definitely an “a-ha!” moment that you will look back on your entire life. And a relationship that you will never forget!
Thanks for the insight dear Sophia. Definitely count me in for sweet treat Wednesday!:)
While I don’t feel qualified to share a “turning point” moment, I do feel qualified to say that good things happen to good people. Ted was lucky to have walked into your life, just as you were lucky to have met with Ted. I think we gain so much from taking the time to truly listen to others, but sadly, not many people actually take the time. You can learn so much!
Anyway, I love your recovery stories and as you know, you are an inspiration.
Sophia, I am always so grateful to read your powerful words… Thank you so much for sharing another chapter of your story with us… The story of you and Ted is so intense and meaningful, and you describe your experiences with such wisdom and insight… I’m in awe, as always.
CONGRATULATIONS on your new slow cooker!!! I’m soooo excited for you!! Slow cookers are the coolest!! Your black beans look phenominal – I loooove how you included figs! Your creativity is amazing, as always!!! My favorite dish to cook in the slow cooker is chili with lots of cinnamon, nutmeg, and hot chilis!
Thank you for sharing your story with us. Thank God that Ted came in to you life
Curries are great done in the slow cooker!
Thank you for sharing this Sophia. It sounds like both and Ted needed each other at the same time. I hope someone struggling with ED reads this and is inspired to take steps towards their own recovery. Keep staying strong!
Eats–> delicious
your story–> more delicious. and admirable
Hope you’re able to have a mindful Monday (yes, I’m loving alliterations)
xo bec
You are such an inspiring person. Seriously…I read this and my heart just lifted.
I’ve been reading for a while and have seen how far you’ve come. The strides you’ve made are literally so profound to me that I only hope to approach life again as you do now!
Oh my goodness Sophia. That was so honestly, beautifully, and painful told. I had no idea you went through so much pain and suffering and that you had been so ill. Thank you for sharing. I am so happy that you are in a much better place right now, honoring your body with delicious foods. I’m so happy that you felt God and Ted starting to help you and move you forward — honestly, this world is a much better place with you in it!
May you continue to love your self and your body! And eat delicious things like slow cooker burrito mix!
That was a beautiful post, thanks so much for sharing
When I think slow-cooker, my mind immediately goes to two things: chili and pulled pork! Yum!
That’s an amazing story. God has definitely blessed you for your compassion for others. It is your openness to trying to save others like Ted that makes you such a beautiful person and certainly one worth being saved yourself. I think my turning point came when my parents finally bit the bullet, took out a scale and weighed me. I may have been one of the few anorexics that did not own a scale and did not know my weight – I just went by how I felt – which not suprisingly was never thin “enough.” Anyway – they wouldn’t tell me the number but after yelling at eachother because I was convinced I didn’t have a problem – that they were just out to get me – my mother, with tears in her eyes, screamed at me that I barely weighed more than my 8 year old brother. I realized at that moment, as someone about to turn 21 years old, I was out of control. I can’t say that I suddenly embraced recovery adn never looked back – because that would be a complete lie, but I did take huge leaps forward. I’m still struggling a year later, but I like to think I’ve come a long way since.
Thank you so much for sharing your own story – you are an angel!
Nicole G
It is so amazing to think that it is possible to have the healthy, excited relationship with food that you have now, even after such problems with EDs. In terms of slow cooker ideas: a winter squash stew would be DELICIOUS, I think. The squash would get mushy (I like that, I don’t know if you do or not) and it would be a stew/soup hybrid.
That bowl is beeeaautiful! But what in the world is gochujang??
The story of your partnering with Ted is wonderful. I love your heart! You really do let God’s spirit live in you and pour out to others. Thank you for that!!
As for my ED turning point — it was gradual. My missions trip to Malaysia in November 2008 helped. Your post and my revelation last week helped a lot, too.
I think what really saved me was that God placed me in jobs. I shouldn’t have gotten them — I should have hated every second — but through them He changed me. I used to work with disturbed children, and again and again I’m amazed how what I thought would be this insane, awful year turned out to be wonderful. Crazy kids saved this crazy girl! And I’m so grateful to them, and to Him . . . and for you!!
I just love your posts Sophia! And you will love your slow cooker-I love mine. In fact, I am making a vegetable beef soup in it later this week.
As for a turning point, well, there’s a lot of them, but around September I was in my Aftercare support group and I announced that I needed help-that I felt like I could jump out of my skin and the leader asked if I was following the twelve steps and I said no. He asked me if I would and I agreed-I felt like I would do anything to get rid of the horrible anxiety that I was feeling. Another member volunteered to be my sponsor that night and I have been working the program and have been feeling better ever since.
Sorry to be so long winded, but another was when my minister told me that she could tell that I was off my medicine, because when I am then it’s hard to be in community with me. That was a harsh blow, because there’s almost nothing I cherish more than being in community with my church. It was then I decided that I am not playing with my meds anymore.
Wowww… *speechless* Sophia, really thank God for your testimony..I’ve just had a rough weekend with u know who
and what u wrote here encouraged me that with God, all things are possible…including recovery from EDs…
Sophia, thanks so much for sharing your story! I had this “ED is so riddiculous and illogical” moment too and it was the most shocking (and liberating) thing ever.
On an other note: You lucky girl! I want to get a slow cooker too!!!
Turning point: I knew I had hit rock bottom when I passed out in the shower, woke up choking on shampoo and blood, and the first thought I had was “Oh my god, how many calories are in shampoo?” Then I realized the utter irrationality of both that thought and my entire situation. I remember thinking, very slowly and deliberately, “This life is not normal, this is not what I envisioned for myself.” I’ve had swings up and down since then, with a couple of severe relapses. But in the end, it’s just about being tired of sacrificing so much just to hurt worse, and of wanting way more than the disorder could ever allow me. It’s scary as hell to go through recovery even with a full appreciation of the risks and pains of an ED, and I really, really applaud you for 1) the fact that you’ve come so far and 2) the fact that you are so open about it and continue to promote recovery. I follow very, very few food blogs because I find the ones that document every single bite someone takes to be very unhealthy for me to read, but I love your entire approach here, celebrating and appreciating without making it into a chore of documentation put out for analysis.
slow cooker pork or beef is ammmmazing, fall-apart tender.
and i love lentils + whatever veggies and spices are hanging around in the crockpot.
Thank you for sharing your story! You already know mine, so it is nice to read yours. It’s amazing how none of us are truly alone in our struggles. What is also amazing is how positive and optimistic people become when they come out of an eating disorder. The compassion and insight you gain is you invaluable and makes the suffering and trials worth it! Thanks again. You are amazing.
That’s really sweet that you were both able to help each other. Healthy relationships are when both individuals are able to contribute something
My disordered eating was always that I would eat less, and become paranoid and refuse to eat anything remotely “unhealthy”. But lately it’s taken the form of compulsive overeating. It’s strange how we can have disordered eating (or an eating disorder) and the way it manifests itself can change over time depending on what’s going on in our lives… it scares me because that means that we have to re-learn how to cope and deal with the new problems. But it’s all a learning process on the way to recovery!
Fabulous post, Sophia. I love hearing stories like this. How are you doing now? Your posts are really positive, but on a day-to-day/hour-to-hour…what do you think about? How is your health?
I haven’t had any huge turning points- just a series or realisations that are adding up and propelling me to change.
How is Ted?..
Ah…I need to think about it! I don’t know what made me wanna change. I think part of it is because I knew what was ‘bad’ (aka ED) and what was ‘good’ (aka living and be happy). The rest, I don’t know.
I love your pictures, you have one awesome camera. I relate so much to some of your recipe…I remember my mom talking a recipe about a putting a fig and some spices together, poured onto rice, but she never made it because I ate all the figs :/
I’m still thinking about an ‘about me’ recipe…Arg it’s so hard! Next time, give us a main ingredients or specific theme!!! lol
xoxo
Vanilla
I always love reading peoples’ stories. And its so amazing how much God works for the good in our lives and pulls us to a better path.
you’re so amazing, seriously. i’ve learned a lot from your blog and it puts things in such a great perspective. congrats on your slow cooker! it’s great when you’re in a hurry, which i often am!
Thanks for sharing your story. I’m really glad you met Ted! Do you still keep in contact with him? I’m curious about whether he got any better himself.
It was two things, really: the first was exhaustion, plain and simple. I was tired of not participating in a normal social life, a normal dating life, a normal life, period. I was so bored of myself.
The second was compassion for my best friend and mother, who had so valiantly seen me through ups and downs. I couldn’t bear putting them through any more anxiety. Over time, desire to help them became desire to help myself.
Amazing post, girl.
Oh wow, that was a lovely story Sophia, thank you for sharing it.
, its such a joy to see you now off cooking fab recipes with a slow cook pot!
Im always intersted to hear how people began their recovery journey. I`m glad you came to realise that the life and path you were on wasnt right and you changed
I have one, although I havent used it in ages because its hard to cook things that dont require big batches in it. Does make some lovely casseroles though.
xox
Laura
Thank you for sharing your story. It is definitely an inspirational one!
(And your Korean-style burrito bowl sounds amazing!)
Hi! Thanks so much for your encouraging comment! I love this blog. You are an amazing lady! Your story is really inspirational!
Your food looks just out of this world! I can’t wait to carry on reading! xxx
what an amazing story sophia.. and even more amazing because its true! you are awesome!!!
and so is christina.. umm… if you are reading this.. where is my slow cooker?! lol
It’s a wonderful thing when helping someone results in helping yourself! And, what a delicious-looking bowl of food. Those are perfectly ripe and lovely avocados. Enjoy your slow cooker!
What a great post
Wow, thanks for sharing such a personal story. It’s great to read about recovery from ED.
And a tasty looking meal too! Yum yum!
Next Comments →
{ 1 trackback }