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I have a science quiz tomorrow. Here I am, memorizing key facts about the universe and gravity. It is a fascinating subject indeed, but what am I going to do with the mathematical equation of velocity 5 years from now?
I’m not saying that such knowledge isn’t important. But sometimes, I wonder if I’m too busy stuffing my brain with such facts to bother to learn about the immediate people around me. Humans, of all race and characteristics and personalities; humans, whom I will constantly be interacting with for the rest of my life; humans, who are so simple…yet so curiously and intricately complex.
Remember I posted about my eccentric project partner on my
previous post? I honestly did not mean to cast him into a stage for ridicule. My underlying message was that despite his weirdness and the fact that my grade was at stake, I will view this positively as God’s chance for me to improve myself, and to work on my New Year prayer topics.
But I was guilty of something. I labeled him. I segregated him as an outsider, someone to be stared at. Retracting back on my words, I called him a weirdo. I also called him Mr Loony Tunes, Mr Cuckoo, Mr Dingy, Mr Barney…you get the idea. And I feel terrible. Because in truth, he is really just another human being created in God’s love and mercy. He is a real human being with real feelings and emotions, and with his own story and explanation for all his extraordinary actions and speech.
I do not know exactly what or why, but a few of you mentioned Asperger’s as a possible explanation to his eccentricity. Honestly, I have never heard of this disorder before. So I called upon my dear friend Christina to explain it for me:
* * * * *
Before meeting Johnny’s brother for the first time he warned me that he had Asperger’s syndrome. Asperger’s is a disorder within the autism spectrum and can be classified in different degrees. Fortunately Johnny’s brother has been diagnosed with a very mild form of Asperger’s, but it’s still enough to notice he’s a little different. Had Johnny not warned me about his brother beforehand I think I would have just labeled him as "quirky."
Asperger’s is relatively new in diagnosis and not much is understood about it, but in a nutshell it is a difficulty in recognizing social cues. Linguistic signals are misunderstood and things that are common sense to you and me don’t even occur to somebody with Asperger’s. For example, Johnny’s little brother has pretty bad posture, not realizing to present himself as others. There’s also great difficulty in conversations, such as when is appropriate to jump in, when to laugh, and making eye contact.
Johnny’s brother is currently 18 years old and instead of sneaking out to party and sassing back at his mom he really loves spatial things like K-nex, legos, and creating in his 3-D modeling computer program. Despite not being able to convey his thoughts as effortlessly as others, he’s actually very intelligent. This past summer he attended a 3-D Modeling camp at Northwestern University where he won an award and his creations were used as examples for the class.
Another behavior associated with Asperger’s is an intense interest in a particular subject. As explained, Johnny’s brother loves spatial things and accels in that area. He recently attended a social event for those with Asperger’s and a bowling partner was a walking encyclopedia about dinosaurs, naming off facts left and right because he’s unsure of how else to start a conversation with others.
When Sophia described her partner my first thought was that it must be some sort of inside joke from somebody with a very dry sense of humor. I read the first comment left by Clare and instantly realized she was correct – Star Wars quotes by Hans Solo! That’s when I realized that he might have Aspberger’s, but am not an expert and can’t "diagnose" him. The things I know and have learned seemed to add up. He tried to connect with Sophia through the use of an interest of his – Star Wars, which he didn’t realize she probably wouldn’t understand in that context. The other example of his outbursts in class which Sophia described "… every student in the class giggled and glanced at each other with eyebrows raised, he himself was totally oblivious," seemed to me an example of him missing social cues. To him he was making a joke that made perfect sense, but was missing the attention he was creating for himself and the distracting affect this had on the class.
The Nicholas Spark’s novel Dear John, set to release as a movie this weekend features the main character’s dad who is believed to have Asperger’s and collects coins with a passion. There is a quote in the book that both Johnny and I felt explained it very well: "A person with autism lives in his own world. A person with Asperger’s lives in our world, but in a way of his own choosing." The NBC comedy Community co-stars a character named Abed who is quirky and constantly making pop-culture references. I haven’t seen it, but last year a movie called Adam was released telling the story of a young man with Asperger’s who seems to love all things space related. Asperger’s is becoming more commonly discussed and referenced, so hopefully recognition and acceptance will soon follow.
* * * * *
Thank you, Christina, for the wonderful insight into Asperger’s. You’ve taught me something new, something which is even more meaningful and personal and relatable than quoting Einstein’s equation (By the way, Johnny is Christina’s boyfriend).
There is so much to learn. Every human is so different, and we all have our own problems and gifts. But whoever I meet, the solution is always the same: Love.
Sounds so simple, yet it may just be the most difficult and impossible thing on Earth. It’s easy to love someone who is cute and pretty, but what about those who aren’t so adorable? Who will love them, understand them, and be there for them? Perhaps the only person who can truly do this is God. And that is why we all need God’s love, not just to enjoy it, but to transfer that love to others as well. Others who desperately need it.
A slightly heavy topic, and I kind of feel weird to start talking about food right after this. It’s like discussing health care and politics while watching pornography, if you know what I mean. Hope you understand, but rest assured there will definitely be yummy food porn on the next post.
Question of the day: What are your thoughts on loving “unlovable” people? Have you met (or personally experienced) any people of such disorders?
Well, I can name one. Me. My eating disorder? Certainly turned me into a self-absorbed, unsociable pariah. What turned me around? Love. Go figure.
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I just (try to) remember that God commends His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us
“Unlovable” people are brought into my life for a reason. For me to see that I myself am not so lovable to begin with! That we are all in the same boat, and that we ALL need the Lord to transform us, inwardly and outwardly, day by day.
My mom had a boy in her class with aspergers. He was one of the sweetest kids – and very smart. He would say things to her like “I dont MEAN to irritate the other kids. Sometimes they just dont understand me.”
Its heartbreaking and touching all at the same time.
I think the unloveable people are the ones that need it the most. I know for a fact that I was one of them during my eating disorder. I was miserable, and mean. But all I needed was for someone to care enough to stick around. Its what made all the difference.
Love is such a powerful thing and a driving force for everyone whether they realize it or not. It can be a love for something, someone–simply life!
It’s hard for me to dislike anyone. I think it’s the people pleaser in me.. and I think I also naturally sync with people and I’m subconsciously aware of how certain people are and what kind of people they bounce off of (in a compatible way). I’m a gemini so maybe that’s why
hehehe. I was watching a BBC mini-series the other day on the human face and how telling it is. They had a segment on Aspergers and it was very interesting to see how this particular person lived their life. They didn’t have those feelings but they were aware that most people do socialize in a very different way. So he actually observed people’s facial expressions to various situations and when they would experience a specific feeling. The mini-series is called The Human Face.
Love this post Sophia
I babysat a teenager with Asperger’s. While her social habits were obviously “eccentric” and really different from what I was used to dealing with, they made her unique, intelligent, insightful and ahead of her years. I grew to love her, and cherish (and often find humor in) her eccentricities. I think it’s so important to give people time to show themselves to you, and to make an effort to understand the unspoken reasons why someone might act differently than you’re used to. Your friend’s explanation was really touching
Thanks for sharing my story Sophia!
I hope it opens ppl’s eyes to take a 2nd look at WHY somebody might seem a little “weird” or “eccentric” and not just label them and judge like some of the comments the other day! I’m unfortunately still guilty of this myself a lot, but I have at least learned since meeting J’s brother that it isn’t always the person’s fault and showing some empathy can really humble you.
On “unloveable” people – I agree w/ Leah that they’re usually the ones that need it the most! I have a few difficult relatives that if I weren’t related to them I would probably stop trying. But the power of LOVE to keep trying b/c they’re family members has been rewarding.
Thanks for sharing your story, Sophia. My niece and nephew are both on the autism spectrum disorder and have characteristics of Aspergers as well. They take things literally quite often and have a hard time relating to others – but awareness of their condition and understanding can go a long way!
This is such a good way to describe someone with Asperger’s. My dad actually has it (not officially diagnosed, but trust me, he completely fits the profile in every single way). For a long time it was really hard to deal with him and family life was just so difficult, but once we realized how he thinks and why he does the things he does, it became easier for everyone. Life can be awkward at times, really difficult, and full of conflict, but a little knowledge and understanding goes a long way in interacting with someone with this disorder. Just don’t mess with his stuff, expect him to consider the needs of anyone else, or blame him for what he does. Good luck dealing with your partner!
I try to find the lovable in everyone … it is hard as a teacher
aww i don’t think you wrote about him with bad intentions or a mean spirit, it was just venting as the result of being put in a frustrating situation. sure, he could have aspbergers, but if he does or doesn’t you’re still entitled to be irked by some of the thigns he does! i think it’s better to get things off of your chest instead of directing your anger TOWARDS him, he doesn’t get hurt by what you write in your blog so it can be a good forum, ya know? that being said, EVERYONE is lovable, and i’ve been trying to treat people with more kindness too!
My BA is in Psych as is my Graduate work. Obvi I am very familiar with all these conditions and diagnoses but the place that I learned most about Asperger’s is in parenthood! Because many parents are unwillling (rightfully so!) to slap the autism diagnosis on their kid, asperger’s is a viewed as a step down from that and many, many, many parents use it now to describe any other than Mary Poppins’ children. i.e. asperger’s to me is the current version of say the early 1990s when everyone was ADD and on ritalin. Anyway, great post, Sophia!
This is such a touching post, Sophia…
I learnt about Aspergers in psychiatry…
Loving the unlovable??
ahhh, don’t we face such people everyday? I am still learning… still finding it hard at times (the old impatient me can resurface unexpectedly, and I have control my face from contorting into a tell-tale expression), but hoping that I’ll grow more Christlike by day.
Interesting. This is a first I’ve heard of that disorder. I guess it makes much more sense. I once had a classmate with an speech condition where he’d have a tough time trying to get a sentence out. I can sympathize with him as he has a hard time being able to have simple conversations with people. It definitely took a little time for me to get used, too.
WOW…you are one of the most wise and willing-to-learn persons I know and I admire that a lot!
I know about Asperger and I think it’s such a difficult disorder, mostly for the person itself. He is blessed to have a student like you working with him:)
xxx Julia (Taste of Living)
You’re much more patient and empathetic than I am.
Interesting post! Loving unlovable people? I guess the theory goes that everyone deserves love, isn’t it? But funny, sometimes you just can’t help but get instant (irrational) dislike for people, before they’ve even opened their mouths to talk, or regardless of whether they’ve done anything offensive. It’s just their ‘face’, as some might put it. Does that count as being ‘unlovable’?
I do try to repress that weird prejudice, and find some reason to be friendly…but then I suppose that could be due to the fact that I want others to like me, so it goes both ways?
Another fabulous post and something we should all think about
Oh my…I have one of these people in my life. It is challenging to love, or even LIKE this person. I struggle with it everyday.
I loveed this post, Sophia.
I’ve never heard of Asperger’s either, but I’ve definitely met some people with ADD or ADHD. I was in elementary school at the time, and you know how cruel young kids can be. I definitely was… I was pretty cold to them. Ack. 
BTW, this has totally unmotivated me to go memorize chemistry formulas.
I had heard about this condition before, but nver really knew what it was. Thanks for this post. It was interesting, as I need to learn about this stuff. Autism (And I’m sure other condition related to autism) has a link to diet, and even though some studies dispute it, I still believe it does.
It’s hard not to judge people, but I think you are right, you have to love and accespt yourself, just like everyone else. I learned that at a young age when we had a girl in our class who was in a wheelchair. She was much different than all of us but I saw a side of her that was so special and amazing. She truly was such a fantastic person, inside and out.
Have a nice day!
Wow Sophia, you always remain so open. Open to information, new people, new ways to approach situations. So few people I meet are this way. You ED took some aspects of your life away for a period of time, but also left you with a whole new perspective on life. Figtree
A boy on my floor last year had Aspergers, so I can relate. My roommate and tell there was something not quite right about him from day 1, so we were always really nice, but unfortunately he started saying he was “in love” with her and starting doing really innapropriate things around her. It’s hard because there’s a fine line between being able to understand their disorder and feeling uncomfortable, but I’m glad you took the initiative to learn more!
I’m surprised that didn’t occur to me. Especially when he seemed oblivious to everyone else and didn’t’ react to their teasing. I suppose I am accustomed to more severe forms of autism–my cousin is autistic. Your compassion for all humans is beautiful. I try and understand where someone comes from even if they come off as mean or rude. I think there is always a back story that we may not know or understand. Keep us updated on how the project goes!
This is why I love your blog. When I read your post yesterday, I thought ‘what a jerk – I hope Sophia can pull through this one okay’. And after reading Christina’s words I realized I looked at the situation entirely one-dimensionally – which psych majors are definitely not supposed to do! It’s something I’m going to work on now, so I really can’t thank you ladies enough!
Coincidently, there are a lot of “unloveable” people in my life that I love very much. For example, there are many members of my family that I very easily might have written off or felt uncomfortable around if I just met them and wasn’t related to them in any way. Some might call them abrasive, or intrusive, or just down-right rude, but I know their whole story. I can’t deny that they have these traits, but knowing them better helps me understand them. No one’s perfect, and the people who are furthest away from perfect need the most love of all.
Have a good day dear!
I’m guilty of doing this too- judging someone without considering the “what ifs.” I’ve never met someone with Asperger’s Syndrome but I have met some unlovable people. I’m going to try and think more like you
That makes so much sense; I don’t know why I didn’t even think of that! I guess that makes me judgmental too… :/ Something to work on!
<3 <3
Thanks for posting Christina’s response – I’ve never heard of Asperger’s and didn’t think twice about your last post. I assumed he was just eccentric. I think this post just goes to show that I should never make assumptions about people before getting to know them a bit better!
This is a beautiful post. I hope I can remember to think about meeting “unlovable” people as a chance to show real love.
aww, you always make me remember how amazing life is. I love seeing you learn and me learning from you.
I’ve actually heard of Aspergers before but it’s something that’s fairly subtle enough that it’s hard to tell if someone is trying to be quirky or they can’t help it.
You are so kind Sophia! I too have a problem judging people too quickly and then feel bad about it. But I think that is human nature.
I have heard of Aspergers before but I have not personally known anyone with the condition. I am definitely going to keep this post in mind from now on…I need to work on my patience and understanding.
That was amazingly interesting to learn about Asperger’s. Even as a psychology student I don’t know THAT much about it, but I can say that I’m pretty sure that Temperance Brennan (Bones) on Bones has a mild case of Asperger’s. In fact, I recently read an article in the NY Times that mentioned that during the considerations for the new DSM V (manual for mental disorders) they’ve considered merging Autism and Asperger’s syndromes as spectrum disorders, thus making them obselete as separate disorders, but instead seen simply as mild or severe cases of Autism like syndromes. This may be an issue for insurance coverage for those who receive support because of the possibility that the loss of a specific diagnosis may hinder resources available for patients. It will certainly be interesting to see how this development intersects with the future of health insurance in general.
Nicole G
This is such a beautiful post! I believe that it’s sometimes difficult to deal with people who have aspergers or an other form of autism though I’ve never met any person with that syndrome. My favourite book “The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time” by Mark Haddon is about a boy who is autistic. No idea why I had to mention that now but I just adore this book and it taught me a lot about autism..
i worked for two summers with retarded children. made me more aware. lus, i had/ve? an eating disorder. (i don’t consider myself fully recovered ALL THE WAY) i’m not sure what turned me around. i think something clicked. possibly the anger and stress my mom was showing and how it was breakin’ up my family.
and yes, it sucks to walk around in chronic pain. everyday tasks are very arduous.
(2 more weeks til i am FREEEEE then starts lab. ew)
Thought-provoking post. I wonder how many kids in my childhood had problems, mental or physical, that we were not aware of? And as I’ve grown older, people whose lives I have always thought charmed, were not. Everyone has problems of one kind or another and all we can do is be a good friend to everyone we come in contact with, whether down deep we like them or not.
That makes sense. Actually my cousin has Asperger’s, but he is much mroe shy than that and would never say things like that in a classroom.
I always love how candid you are in your posts. Great as always.
What a sweet and sensitive post! I really enjoyed reading Christina’s thoughts! I do not know how I would handle your situation. I guess the best thing to do is just to love him.
<3 jess
xoxo
i’ve worked with students with asbergers, and it is the idea that they live in our world… my autistic students wouldn’t care if they were connecting with their classmates, but those with asbergers wanted to, but didn’t know how to do it.
but i would see them light up when they found classmates who could work past their problems and see them as a friend-the love you’re talking about
Your post made me aware of Asperger. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. I know I am supposed to have an open-mind, love others, forgive quickly, be kind and compassionate — but when I am in a stressful situation, it’s easy to forget these things and react defensively and I can come across acting like a jerk. I agree with you about the “heavy” post and I love the way you closed it.
When I was in the hospital for my eating disorder, I had to be on a mental health hospital (separate from the real hospital)- we didn’t have the care facilities for me to go anywhere else for 6months..
I ended up staying in a place I used to judge so horribly and the people who stayed there, but while I was there I learned that people are all the same, we all have struggles, they just take different forms. It was a wonderful learning experience for me and opened my eyes, and my families, and from that I’ve become a lot more compassionate and understanding of why people are the way they are.
Love you, Sophia
My cousin has autism (which is the end of the aspergers spectrum) so I am familiar with it but this was still interesting to read.
As for people who are “unloveable”… I’ve certainly come across people who challenge my belief that deep down, everyone is doing their best at any given time. But I try to see it as a reminder of just that same belief. If that makes sense.
My little sis works with autistic children and I really admire her for it. I think it takes a certain type of person who can love someone who shows little to no love back. I know she is making a difference somehow and I think it’s awesome.
I’ve realized that lots of people have lots of different “issues,” whether they are diagnose-able or not. I tend to be really sarcastic and judgmental, but anorexia has made me much more compassionate. Everyone has their thing. I’m pretty sure my mom’s twin brother and dad had Asperger’s. That’s according to my mom. She said it was very hard growing up with that. Her twin brother died in a car accident long before I was born, and I don’t remember my grandpa (he died when I was 5). There are various family members who have various things — addictions, social anxiety, etc. It’s helped me accept myself to accept others. I can be really critical of myself, but I realize that most of struggle with something.
I’m glad you addressed this. I didn’t comment on your last post because I felt like it was judgemental and a little mean. It’s your blog and you can write what you want, but the first thing that came to my mind was that this kid might have some sort of disability. I’m glad you’re able to try to relate through your own experiences. Everyone is different and that’s what makes life fun
This post is so full of insight. I’ve never heard of Asperger’s until now, so this info is really eye-opening for me. I will definitely keep this post in mind next time I come across someone who seems a little different!
great post, you always have a way to make us think. I always try to accept others no matter how they may seem. You never know where they come from, what’s going on in their life, or their background, and I don’t like people judging me so I try to exude love
Brilliant post Sophia, I knew about aspergers but its always great to learn a little more. Im glad now you have a little more understanding about why your partner was acting that way, maybe it will make your work together a little easier now.
I try to get along with everyone I meet and just accept them for who they are and that we are all different and have our own ways. I have met people and have in my fam people with various disorders so I think its just important to remember that deep down they are still a person inside and cant always control the way they act. Just like when people with eds act, it isnt always their fault.
xox
Laura
excellent post! it can sometimes be so hard to understand people because we just can’t see what’s going on in their heads. i’ve definitely been guilty of labeling people without understanding some of the things that they deal with.
Aspergers.. I’ve heard of it and I’ve been meaning to watch the movie “Adam”. It looks really good and maybe it’ll help me understand better – although your post from Christina has made things pretty clear. If your partner has it then that would make a LOT of sense and his actions wouldn’t be so confusing.
I try to love others.. okay, that’s a lie. I try to be more ACCEPTING of others.. sometimes I just find it hard though. This is definitely something that I need to work more on.
such beautiful words and so amazingly written. It is so important to remember that we al dont operate in the same exact way and to really embrace these differences and be patient. Since college, and meeting SO many different people I have really learned to apprecaite everyone and never see flaws in people (even though we all have them) I just try to find the good and unique qualities in people
I feel pretty ignorant right now! Although to be fair, I didn’t know the definition of Asperger’s until reading this. It didn’t even occur to me that your partner’s quirks might be beyond his control. You’re not the only one who’s learned a lesson from this! Thank you for this follow up.
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