Reading the comments to my last post made me rather sad. It seems like a lot of you struggle with the sense of belonging. I won’t pretend to know every detail of your situation and preach about how you should belong to your community…but I will share my own experience with the sense of belonging.
Honestly, when I received news that I was accepted to college again, I was exuberant…at first. I hopped up and down, and I was literally skipping around like a deer. And then, when the excitement died down…fear and anxiety set in.
I hadn’t been in school for three freaking years. Kids my age were already seniors in college—some even graduating—and I was entering as a freshman transfer. All sorts of worries and fears seized me: Will I be able to handle the academic load after such a long period of break? Will I be able to make friends when I’m several years older than my peers? What if my brain became stupid from disuse? What if people find out about my eating disorder past? Will I be able to just insert myself into social life after years of living as a hermit? And so on, and so forth.
When I first entered college, I was still having trouble believing that this was my university, my home for 4 years. Everyone seemed so…young. I felt so…old. And yes, I did not feel like I belonged.
But as time went on, I began to loosen up. I realized that the only person who treated me as an outsider was myself. Nobody else looked and pointed at me, saying, “You’re too old! You’re too stupid! You’re too skinny! You don’t even speak proper English! Go back to China!” In fact, nobody really cared, because everyone was too busy worrying about how they would belong, too.
I realized that most of the time, it’s not the circumstances, or the environment, or the people that made me feel like I don’t belong. It was me, myself. It really all boils down to me. Do I feel at peace where I am? Or am I on a constant uptight condition, feeling awkward and out of place, paranoid about how people view me?
Again, going back to last post’s theme, everyone is special and different. So what makes a community, a social group when everyone is so unique? It’s the ability to feel comfortable, and to first accept your difference, and then others’. You might not necessarily like the people around you. But that does not matter, as long as you like yourself.
Honestly, there is nothing more attractive than a person who is truly confident and self-loving (to a moderate, reasonable degree, of course). When you are at peace in wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, and just be and enjoy yourself, people will unconsciously be drawn to you. And slowly, you’ll discover that you just formed your own group of friends. Suddenly, you’ll know that you belong.
Not sure if I’m making sense, or if it’s even applicable to your situation. But that’s my two cents. 
Anyway. I need to warn you guys, especially you squeamish vegetarians and vegans and animal-lovers…I’ve made a spectacular dish. And the centerpiece of the dish is something that looks rather…out of place. In fact, it looks downright awkward. But dang, does it steal the spotlight. Because it’s damn proud of its absurdity!
Inspired by Lauren from Healthy.Delicious braised chicken recipe, in which she incorporated green grapes into a savory dish, I decided to try cooking grapes as well. 
Except I didn’t have chicken. Or white wine.
I did, however, have some frozen croaker fish in my freezer that was begging to be used up. When I asked Lauren for good substitutions for white wine, she suggested white grape juice. Uh, I didn’t have that either. So I decided to use POM Wonderful juice.
Meanwhile, I also asked for ideas on ingredients to go with a whole fish on twitter. I got a lot of great ideas, but Karena’s suggestion for julienned carrots and zucchini really struck out, since I had some aging carrots and zucchini in my fridge. 
Thus, my recipe turned out totally different from Lauren’s amazing dish, but it was awesome, in its own way.
Pan-fried Croaker with Stir-fried Veggies, Grapes, and Tomato-Raisin Bulgur
The fish:
The vegetables: The bulgur: Toppings: Directions: Wash the fish, and season with salt on both sides: In the same pan, toss in the garlic, onions, and mushrooms, cook for about 2 minutes: For the finale, ladle on the bulgur on one side, the vegetables on the other, and finally the fish on top. Sprinkle with feta, drizzle with a bit more balsamic vinegar. Serve! But it sure looks mighty comfy sitting there glaring at me with its toasted eye. Which I promptly poked out and put into my mouth (don’t gag, fish eyes are awesome!!) Question of the day: Have you ever had a whole fish? With the bones, head, tail and everything?
Hello, fishy. It’s rude to stare.
Heat some oil on a medium-heat pan, then pan-sear each side until cooked on both sides: 
Put aside. 
Then toss in the grapes with a couple shots of balsamic vinegar and fry until fragrant: 
Set aside. Next, toss in the carrots and zucchini, with another shot of balsamic vinegar: 
Cook until al dente, then toss in the other cooked vegetables, with some POM juice (just eyeball it): 
Add in the fish and cook together, to let the flavors infuse: 
Meanwhile, on the side, cook the garlic and onions in a small pot. Once they are kinda soft, pour in the bulgur and chicken broth with the salsa. Bring to a boil, then a simmer, and cook until it’s cooked through: 
Stir in the tomatoes and raisins, season with salt and pepper. 
Well, what do you think? The fish is rather audacious, isn’t it? 
I have to say, I haven’t had croaker in months. Years, maybe. And it tasted great. 
It’s really fishy, but has this sweet, tender flesh. Went perfectly with the mild sweetness of the grapes, and the freshness of the vegetables! 
I don’t know what inspired me to cook the bulgur in salsa and add tomatoes and raisins, except that I wanted it to taste bright and fresh to go along with the fishiness of the croaker. 
Also, I thought the inclusion of raisins would be cool, what with the double-grape theme. 
Seriously, don’t judge it until you’ve tried it. Have you ever had a whole fish before? One that stares at you right in the eye? It’s quite a different experience than you generic packaged fish fillet, or sushi. 
I suppose it doesn’t have to be a croaker. But it’s one of my favorite fish, next to salmon and mackerel. 
Moral of this dish: If this ugly, gapping fish can make itself belong in this dish, so can you. Go make your own niche by shining your own special characteristics! 
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hahha WHOLE fish tastes so fresh- i like the steamed fish in chinese restaurants. my friends (white peeps) get a little iffyy about whole fish, but it’s like dude, fish sticks gotta come from SOMEWHERE!
PULL The race card! that’s what i thought. either that or because they’re asian too they want help from a white washed asian chick like me! i know- i think she wants it like NOW which annoys me because hey, we all have our partners. if it’s not required, i’m NOT. GOING. TO. READ. YOUR. ESSAY. and trying to butter me up with compliments which REALLY arent true isn’t gonna get you anywhere.
dude. it sucked so much coz it rained today! WTF.
sophia, i cannot concentrate on any of the positive messages youve put forth here. because that little fish wont stop staring at me.
i can do animals on my plate, but not when they still have eyes!! haha!
really though, thanks for your story here.
Warm grapes? That sounds like a brilliant idea I’ll have to try!
Love your morale of the day. It’s very well put. Whenever you find yourself in an unfamiliar situation, it’s natural to feel a little uneasy. Just be yourself. If you can be comfortable in your own skin, you can be comfortable anywhere.
Growing up less than a mile from the ocean and having a dad that loves to fish meants PLENTY of whole cooked fish. I have never eaten an eye, though!
To substitute white wine a lot of times I’ll use diluted lemon juice because I feel like it gives that same kind of citrussy “bite” in the background that wine does.
Sophia, you are such a strong woman- after all you’ve been through, it’s understandable the fear and anxiety you felt about starting school again- I mean, ANYONE would in your position. But you have made many realizations about yourself which have voila…made positive experiences!
And girl, I gotta say you are the MOST CREATIVE blogger I know…that bulgur looks delicious! As for a whole fish…can’t say I’ve ever eaten whole fish- though in Finland, we have these little miniature fried fishes things you eat…where you eat the entire thing, supposedly they’re good dipped in ketchup
LOL your moral of the dish is so priceless. Um, i’m kinda struggling with that exact situation right now: i’ve been out of school for a few years bc of my ED, and i am starting my first semester back next week! on the flip side, all my friends from high school/college are graduating this spring….i know it’ll be weird but if you can do it so can i
Ooh, the grapes in there look so good. Delicious!
When we went to Japan, I ate an entire piranha… It still had the eyes and teeth. I didn’t eat those
Delicious little fishy that should be on my plate. Nice job on the dish. Interesting with the addition of the grapes. *drool* Yes I have had whole fish head to fin. Fried whole tilapia would my choice for that kind of stuff. Or in a stew.
That fish dish looks sooo good! (Reminds me a bit of the whole fishes in Malaysia…not the dish itself though)
And I say this often, but I mean it every time: what a beautiful, inspiring post… I think the people at your college are very lucky to have you around:)
xxx Julia (Taste of Living)
Hehe Sohia, now this is definitely one of those really unsual recipes that you do that may not necessarily look like it will work but does!
yes yes! I had a whole fresh fish steamed jz the other day! and yup, it was freaking awesome!
Thanks for sharing your insight on how to belong
I totally agree that confidence draws people to you, I know that I find myself being drawn to people who are comfortable in their own skin. They give off such a ‘natural’ vibe – like it’s the way we are supposed to be living.
I have never had a whole fish… I don’t think I have ever had the opportunity now that I think of it
I am definitely not opposed to the idea – your dish looks incredible! How is it that you have time to blog, go to school, AND experiment in the kitchen !?
In response to your comment on my blog, I am so excited for you to be taking an art class! Art is a huge passion of mine as well, and I haven’t picked up my paint brush in ages. Thanks for reminding me
xox
Tat
I love whole fish, but seeing that pic of it totally freaked me out!
You are always so right on! I really feel that blogging is such a positive outlet for me to unveil myself. Really, just this morning my husband told me that I am too open and probably should talk about some of the things I do (like my stomach problems, and embarrassing things) but honestly, I often forget that the world is reading. I just feel like I am talking to my friends who love and support me. I never felt more like myself than I do when I write. Love this network and I love having you as such a wonderful friend!
Okay, this may be the first time I ever say this, but that fishy is making me a little sick.
Everything else looks GOOD, just can’t get past that dead lil thing in the pan.
Hmm, I must say that I’ve never tried croaker before – but it sure does look…flakey. Just kidding! Ha! No it looks great!
The texture looks kind of like Mahi Mahi to me, which I have a huge fondness for… How do cooked grapes taste?!
As for the edible ocular business – my mom tells me stories about how her and her siblings would fight for the eyeball at dinner time when they were young. Apparently my uncle is convinced that eating the eyeballs makes you smarter. And hey. For all I know, it could be true.
Oh my goodness! I can’t believe you ate the fish’s eyes! I mean I can. It’s funny…in a somewhat disturbing way. I had no idea that it was common for people to eat them. You learn something new every day!
I love fish… but can’t do the whole thing… you’re a brave woman
I am an animal lover, but not so much that I won’t eat one. I still don’t think I could eat that staring at me. I mean it’s just a fish but I don’t think I could do it.
I gotta say, I’ll eat just about anything you put in front of me, but the thought of eating fish eyes gives me the heebey jeebies. EWWW. I don’t know why, as I’m usually up to try anything, and I mean ANYTHING, but eye balls are where I draw the line. Good for you for being able to do that, and cook such a fantastic dish! Seriously Sophia, you are going to make one guy VERY happy some day, as you are such a fantastic cook. Not to say that you must cook all his meals..but oyu know what I mean
Woah… that fish totally stares at you in the eye. Fierce! This reminds me of my grandma. She is an expert in eating fish. She devours the whole fish, even the head, and leaves a pile of bones in the end, wiped clean of flesh. I’m still amazed at how she manages to do that feat. =)
Nope, never had a whole fish (well besides sardines when I was a kid – but now I am even afraid of them).
ew. just. ew.
I have never thought to try cooked grapes before, I’ll bet that adds an awesome flavor to the dish!
I say that in jest. I’m one of those people who can’t eat raw or rare meat of any sort. The slightest sign of ‘life’ and I’m done…so a whole fish, especially with eyes staring back at me? Not for me, hehe. The dish looks amazing though if you can get past the centerpiece
You have the most original recipes in all of blogland. That looks amazing!
GAH! You warned me but I kept reading haha. JK- I’m in a college of science so I have to dissect animals all the time.
I agree that the feeling of belonging is often YOU not accepting yourself. Great post
UGHHHHHHHHh awesome post. I definitely agree with you on that “it all comes down to me.” Over time, I realized that YES, *I* am the one who puts these expectations on myself. Everybody else is either indifferent or just curious when they are first around me. When I first met my boyfriend, I was instantly comfortable and at ease with myself. Only God knows why! But since then, I felt so happy with who I was, that meeting other new people and trying new situations (like school, work, etc) got much easier socially.
And it’s true that one of the most attractive aspects of a person is how confident/self-loving they are! M’beau said he liked me because I seemed so “self-assured.”
Everything you said made sense
and it was worth more than two cents 
Haha even though I’m a veg, I found it really funny how you started off your photos with innocent looking veggies.. dudududu.. and then BAM. Fish
P.S. Your comment was awesome; I should’ve known you’d add cheese & egg to a burger
so now I’m thinking I might do a “Sophia Burger Special” haha!
An encouraging story, especially as I’ll be starting college after being out of school for two years. I freaked out a little yesterday when I realized I remember very little calculus and math formulas! Luckily I won’t be a math major!
I’ve never eaten a whole fish, I think the eyes would freak me out just a little! But cooking with grapes sounds delicious…I don’t see why it would be strange, either, it’s like cooking with wine or grape juice.
Wise words, Sophia! I’m in my late 20s and I’m just now figuring out how to be comfortable in my own skin. It’s hard work!
That fish looks beautiful! I love fish but I rarely ever cook it – I grew up in a landlocked state so I feel like I know nothing about seafood other than that I like to eat it.
i love croaker! i haven’t had it in forever.
lovely dish
and I’ve never had a whole fish, but I’m not opposed to it!
Your meal looks so gourmet!
Sophia, I love love love reading your stories, even though I’ve only been reading your blog for about a month or so. I think you’re right, we can choose to “belong” or choose to let ourselves think we don’t/can’t. Knowing we have that power to change how we perceive situations and the impact that has is so liberating! I can really relate to some of your struggles. (I took a semester off to work full time and was super anxious about going back to school)
<3
great eats as always- and i love evrything you wrote inthe beginning of htis post- you show so much strength!
I love the dish…actually I adore all kinds of fish. I would love to try the dish.
Hi, I found your blog online while browsing for ED on the net. I myself am suffering from bouts of AN and Binge-Eating episodes… So I really congratulate you on your recovery and hope that you continue with your happy life!! =D
Btw, your post about self-acceptance is very inspiring and I will always constantly remind myself that our biggest enemy is actually ourselves!
Oh that fish totally messed my head up lol…for some reason I had the mcd’s commercial in my head
give me that filet o fish…give me that fish! give me that filet o fish …give me that fish!
What a good post…I always worry that people are thinking similar things about me! That oh she’s too old to be shopping in this store, etc. but you are so right when you say that they are totally worried about themselves instead of me! I wish I could get that in my thick skull.
I have never eaten a whole fish. I can barely get down a piece of fish that looks nothing like it’s original state. I should really be a complete vegetarian!!
i think it’s extremely important to find a sense of belonging, wether its at school, church, club, and even blogworld. I’m very blessed to have an awesome church who supports, love, and pray for each other. I find my sense of belonging in God’s people…
never had a whole fish, kinda freaks me out
just caught your last post, and dad’s advice is pretty amazing. i have actually struggled with belonging ever since finishing school and moving to a new city…
Looks good but whole fish freaks me out. It’s a lot of work to get to it. I always ask when I order here if my dinner will still have a head. I was told by a cook here “why wouldn’t it be served that way, that is how it came” ok, but we at least skin and clean other things that are eaten, ahhh, freaky, but your dish does look good.
No I have never had a whole fish! I am so weird about eating fish though. LOL. I had to look away when I saw the croaker’s eye. LOL I am a dork!
I love grapes in savory dishes. Grapes and melted brie cheese go great together.
Very insightful post. I think you really hit the nail on the head regarding being part of a community.
I’ve gotten a whole fish at a restaurant where they de-boned it. I’ve never make it myself.
Gorgeous dish sweetie. Ive eaten a whole fish before. They are good!=) Minus the bones, yick. I love your topic. I think what you said is so true. You always worry so much what others think but at the same time everyone is thinking the exact same thing about themselves. Its a vicious cycle. It takes guts to be comfortable in your own skin. I feel like I finally found a time in my life where I can be completely comfortable with myself but it took a bit to get here. Take care hon!!!
Wow, I can relate to this post so much, it was wonderful. I constantly have those worries and I really do feel like I do not belong sometimes. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and insight! Very helpful!
And maybe I am a tad immature, but I laughed SO hard at the picture of just the fish hahaha, it reminded me of a character from SpongeBob or something….
but no I have never had a whole fish because I have a very bad fear of choking and fish bones & spines are a red light to me so… NEVAR!
A little over a year ago, my family drove to a resort town in dominican republic. Along the highway, we stopped at a shack that let you pick out your own fish and have it cooked your way. I picked out a red snapper that was perfectly seasoned and grilled. It was the first time I had a whole fish infront of me to eat. I ate every last bit along with plantains and it was marvelous.
I have to say that I’ve never had a whole fish before but I’m not saying I never will. That dish actually looks pretty appetizing! And it also reminded me that it’s definitely been way too long since I’ve bought bulgur. It’s one of my favorite grains!
I really like these posts about belonging. I think high school and college is the worst for feeling uncomfortable in your own skin. Now that I’m out, I realized it really doesn’t matter what other people think. If they don’t like me, then whatever. I’m not gonna change for other people – no one should!
OK. I’m a veggie who eats fish, but anything that stares at me and has to be de-boned (funny word, eh?) does kind of freak me out. However, I’m sure it was delicious
As for the moral of the story, it’s truly “wherever you go, there you are,” isn’t it? If you’re comfortable with you, you are comfortable (to some degree) in any environment, in any situation at any time. I can be in my physical “happy place” all by myself and still feel uncomfortable in my own skin.
Great point, and something that I think we are all constantly working on, whether we realize it or not. “Fitting in” is often regarded as being popular, and many people sacrifice who they are to conform to these standards. It’s those people who are themselves without fail that truly “fit in” to the environment they belong.
Here, fishy fishy!
whole fish!?!?! dang! never tried that! i dk if i could with the eyeballs looking at me. i bet its gooood tho!
this is a really fun recipe, i love all of the ingredients. great post!
It all look fantastic, but the poor fishy doesn’t look so happy.LOL
I am so sorry I haven’t been commenting lately! I forgot to change the url address on my google reader! My apologies! I have never eaten a whole fish. Maybe I’ll try it soon!
Really, honestly I believe that you should work on being happy in your own skin, so that wherever you go, that you feel like you can be yourself. For myself, I choose to surround myself with confident people, and their influences DO rub on me for the best. Honestly, you don’t have to prove yourself to ANYONE in college, so don’t let that get you down. Great food pics, btw. And someday when I have time, I promise I will move to Wordpress. Ughhhh I just am super busyyy to tha maxxxxxx!
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