The Little Croaker that Belonged

January 13, 2010

Reading the comments to my last post made me rather sad. It seems like a lot of you struggle with the sense of belonging. I won’t pretend to know every detail of your situation and preach about how you should belong to your community…but I will share my own experience with the sense of belonging.

Honestly, when I received news that I was accepted to college again, I was exuberant…at first. I hopped up and down, and I was literally skipping around like a deer. And then, when the excitement died down…fear and anxiety set in.

I hadn’t been in school for three freaking years. Kids my age were already seniors in college—some even graduating—and I was entering as a freshman transfer. All sorts of worries and fears seized me: Will I be able to handle the academic load after such a long period of break? Will I be able to make friends when I’m several years older than my peers? What if my brain became stupid from disuse? What if people find out about my eating disorder past? Will I be able to just insert myself into social life after years of living as a hermit? And so on, and so forth.

When I first entered college, I was still having trouble believing that this was my university, my home for 4 years. Everyone seemed so…young. I felt so…old. And yes, I did not feel like I belonged.

But as time went on, I began to loosen up. I realized that the only person who treated me as an outsider was myself. Nobody else looked and pointed at me, saying, “You’re too old! You’re too stupid! You’re too skinny! You don’t even speak proper English! Go back to China!” In fact, nobody really cared, because everyone was too busy worrying about how they would belong, too.

I realized that most of the time, it’s not the circumstances, or the environment, or the people that made me feel like I don’t belong. It was me, myself. It really all boils down to me. Do I feel at peace where I am? Or am I on a constant uptight condition, feeling awkward and out of place, paranoid about how people view me?

Again, going back to last post’s theme, everyone is special and different. So what makes a community, a social group when everyone is so unique? It’s the ability to feel comfortable, and to first accept your difference, and then others’. You might not necessarily like the people around you. But that does not matter, as long as you like yourself.

Honestly, there is nothing more attractive than a person who is truly confident and self-loving (to a moderate, reasonable degree, of course). When you are at peace in wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, and just be and enjoy yourself, people will unconsciously be drawn to you. And slowly, you’ll discover that you just formed your own group of friends. Suddenly, you’ll know that you belong.

Not sure if I’m making sense, or if it’s even applicable to your situation. But that’s my two cents.

Anyway. I need to warn you guys, especially you squeamish vegetarians and vegans and animal-lovers…I’ve made a spectacular dish. And the centerpiece of the dish is something that looks rather…out of place. In fact, it looks downright awkward. But dang, does it steal the spotlight. Because it’s damn proud of its absurdity!

Inspired by Lauren from Healthy.Delicious braised chicken recipe, in which she incorporated green grapes into a savory dish, I decided to try cooking grapes as well.
Except I didn’t have chicken. Or white wine.

I did, however, have some frozen croaker fish in my freezer that was begging to be used up. When I asked Lauren for good substitutions for white wine, she suggested white grape juice. Uh, I didn’t have that either. So I decided to use POM Wonderful juice.

Meanwhile, I also asked for ideas on ingredients to go with a whole fish on twitter. I got a lot of great ideas, but Karena’s suggestion for julienned carrots and zucchini really struck out, since I had some aging carrots and zucchini in my fridge.
Thus, my recipe turned out totally different from Lauren’s amazing dish, but it was awesome, in its own way.

Pan-fried Croaker with Stir-fried Veggies, Grapes, and Tomato-Raisin Bulgur

The fish:

one small frozen whole croaker fish, thawed

salt

oil

The vegetables:

1 clove garlic, minced
1/2 onion, diced
1 small King Oyster mushroom, diced (or any other mushroom)
bunch of grapes, halved
carrots, julienned
zucchini, julienned
balsamic vinegar
POM Wonderful juice

The bulgur:

1 clove garlic, minced
1/4 onion, diced
1/2 cup dry bulgur (cracked wheat)
about 1 cup chicken broth
heaping spoonful salsa (I used habanera-lime, gifted by dear Christina)
salt, pepper to taste
1/2 tomato, chopped
1/4 cup raisins

Toppings:

handful feta cheese
balsamic vinegar

Directions:

Wash the fish, and season with salt on both sides:
Hello, fishy. It’s rude to stare.
Heat some oil on a medium-heat pan, then pan-sear each side until cooked on both sides:
Put aside.

In the same pan, toss in the garlic, onions, and mushrooms, cook for about 2 minutes:
Then toss in the grapes with a couple shots of balsamic vinegar and fry until fragrant:
Set aside. Next, toss in the carrots and zucchini, with another shot of balsamic vinegar:
Cook until al dente, then toss in the other cooked vegetables, with some POM juice (just eyeball it):
Add in the fish and cook together, to let the flavors infuse:
Meanwhile, on the side, cook the garlic and onions in a small pot. Once they are kinda soft, pour in the bulgur and chicken broth with the salsa. Bring to a boil, then a simmer, and cook until it’s cooked through:
Stir in the tomatoes and raisins, season with salt and pepper.

For the finale, ladle on the bulgur on one side, the vegetables on the other, and finally the fish on top. Sprinkle with feta, drizzle with a bit more balsamic vinegar. Serve!
Well, what do you think? The fish is rather audacious, isn’t it?

But it sure looks mighty comfy sitting there glaring at me with its toasted eye. Which I promptly poked out and put into my mouth (don’t gag, fish eyes are awesome!!)
I have to say, I haven’t had croaker in months. Years, maybe. And it tasted great.
It’s really fishy, but has this sweet, tender flesh. Went perfectly with the mild sweetness of the grapes, and the freshness of the vegetables!
I don’t know what inspired me to cook the bulgur in salsa and add tomatoes and raisins, except that I wanted it to taste bright and fresh to go along with the fishiness of the croaker.
Also, I thought the inclusion of raisins would be cool, what with the double-grape theme.
Seriously, don’t judge it until you’ve tried it. Have you ever had a whole fish before? One that stares at you right in the eye? It’s quite a different experience than you generic packaged fish fillet, or sushi.
I suppose it doesn’t have to be a croaker. But it’s one of my favorite fish, next to salmon and mackerel.
Moral of this dish: If this ugly, gapping fish can make itself belong in this dish, so can you. Go make your own niche by shining your own special characteristics!