New Year Self-Reflection Part I: Thanksgiving

December 29, 2009

in eating disorders,eating out,family,God,My story

As I mentioned on my last post, I’ll be writing three Self-Reflection posts in preparation for the New Year. So please excuse me if I babble on and on about me, me me for a whole week. ;-p But I really do encourage everyone to do some self-reflections with me. Get a cup of coffee to clear your mind, sit up straight, deep breath-in, deep breath-out, and…

Okay, here goes Part I of my Self-Reflection for the New Year: Thanksgiving. How have I changed? What am I thankful for this year?

Looking back to the person I was in the beginning of 2009…there are definitely some obvious changes in me: I no longer look like Gollum from Lord of the Rings. My complexion is better, my skin isn’t scaling, my eyes don’t boggle out, my cheekbones aren’t jutting out, and I don’t wake up in the middle  of the night because I’m crushed by my own bones. But those physical changes are just a manifestation of the more subtle, inner changes within myself.

Changes in Me:

  • Self-Love: A year ago, I loathed myself. I gave up on everything about myself: my looks, my future, my life. I thought I was a screwed up, hideous leech to society, living off my parents and totally useless to the world. Well, God thought otherwise. He preserved my life, even though there were numerous instances when I should have died. It took me a good 4 years to realize this, but hey…I may hate myself, but God sure doesn’t! He loves me, and He put so many people in my life to show His love to me. What more can I ask for to love myself back? If God loves me and deems me worthy…who am I to say and think otherwise? As I started slowly accepting His love for me, I slowly regained back the desire to take care of myself: i.e, not kill myself with anorexia. In this post, I talked more in detail about the necessity of self-love in recovery.

  • Hope: A year ago, I saw utter dismay and bleakness in the future. My college dreams were put on hold while my friends were studying abroad and doing cool internships. Even my younger brother was half-way through college! But now…I feel hopeful and joyful when I look into the future. I think—no, I believe—great things are in store for me. This is a big change in me, because I used to be the most pessimistic person ever…and guess what? The worst of the worst did kind of happen to me…I hit rock bottom; I lost everything I once treasured because of my eating disorder. But when that anger and bitterness I felt towards this loss was replaced with thanksgiving and with hope, active and positive transformations began to take place.

  • Confidence: A year ago, I was ashamed  of my eating disorder. But now…well, look at me. I’m blogging about it! I’ve come to realize that there is no shame in imperfections…in fact, openly sharing my imperfections was actually a necessary step in healing myself. It was beneficial not just to me, but to others who can relate to the same struggles I face. I still feel a bit awkward talking about my eating disorder, but I’ve learned to stop feeling so embarrassed about it. In fact, with a fresh perspective, my blemishes can actually be an asset.

  • Emotions: Good or bad, I’ve rediscovered emotions. I’ve rediscovered laughter and excitement, but I’ve also rediscovered anger and frustrations. It’s tough having to relearn dealing with this influx of emotions, but I can honestly say…I’m so glad to be human again! :-)

 

  • Passion: Now that I have hope, confidence, and emotions, I’ve also reignited the passion within me. For one, I’ve always been a very passionate person, and it feels great to be back in college, to absorb all the different passions and interests of students around me. But the biggest instigator of my passion for many things is this blog. Through this blog, I’ve rediscovered my passion for writing, for meeting new people, for food, for God. I don’t know how long I’ll be blogging, but until now, this blog has been a tremendous lifesaver, because it’s brought back the zest and fun in life for me.

As for thanksgiving:

I praise the Lord for all the healing He’s performed in regard to my recovery. I praise the Lord for the wonderful people I’ve met, including all the bloggers I’ve met ever since the first blogger meet-up I had in July. I praise the Lord for my admittance into college, although I had my doubts. I praise the Lord for my first foodie festival ever, my New York trip, my San Francisco trip, and the experience to cook with a real chef. I praise the Lord for all the joys and good things that have happened to me.

But I also praise the Lord for the sorrows, the anguish, and the pain, because they are interwoven into the fabric of my life to create a complex, yet beautiful and intricate picture. Without them, I wouldn’t have even been able to make those changes I listed above! Problems inspire change and transformation…without them, I would forever be an immature, bratty, spoiled kid.

Not to say I’m perfect now. I still have many things I need to work on about myself. I’ve only just escaped death; I’ve only just started living. Which is why I cannot wait for yet another “semester” in Life University…I’ve got great expectations for 2010, but that’s for next post. I’ve yabbered enough. ;-)

Okay, enough talk. I’ve actually got quite a number of pictures to share too. This is gonna be one heck of a post! But it’s the holidays, and my damn shiny blog, so I’ll blog the hell out of my blog!

As I mentioned on my last post, it was Clara’s 20th birthday yesterday. We don’t really celebrate birthdays in my family, but we decided to take her to eat her favorite food: Korean-Chinese cuisine! We went to Jang Won Korean-Chinese Restaurant in Annandale:

IMG_1942IMG_1944  This place seems pretty popular. We arrived kind of late, but it was still pretty packed:
IMG_1946
The interior was warm and decorated in a mix of traditional and modern Chinese-style:
IMG_1947There were private rooms, and since we were a large crowd, we got a private room! Yay!
IMG_1948 And then the feast started! We were first served the ubiquitous Korean side dishes, or called ban chan in Korean:
IMG_1955 Radish kimchi, pickled radish and onions, soy sauce with pepper, and fermented black soybean paste.

And then, deep-fried dumplings:
IMG_1956 Crispy skin, with pork, vermicelli, and vegetable filling
IMG_1957 
It was okay. I’m not a big fan of dumplings that are deep-fried. I miss the chewy texture of the skin!
IMG_1958 Next, deep-fried and seasoned spicy chicken:
IMG_1959 A Koreanized version of General Tsao chicken.
IMG_1960 With real red-hot bird chili!
IMG_1961 As if that wasn’t enough fried foods, we also ordered deep-fried crispy pork with sweet and sour sauce:
IMG_1964 Koreanized version of sweet and sour pork. With real pineapples! Probably the only thing that is remotely nutritious, hee hee.
IMG_1965I don’t care for the sickeningly sweet sauce, but I do enjoy those crispy bites of pork. It’s really mostly batter and very little pork, but we all know the best part of deep-fried food is the outside batter! 
IMG_1966 The next dish was Spicy Seafood noodles, or called jjam bbong. We ordered two of these!
IMG_1962 Full of mussels, scallops, shrimp, squid, cuttlefish, onions, zucchini, and carrots. The spicy broth clears the sinuses right up!
IMG_1963 Finally, we ordered a double-portion size of my favorite dish:
IMG_1968 Jja Jang myeon, or black soybean noodles.
IMG_1969 It’s not a dish for the unadventurous, that’s for sure. But I highly insist that you at least give it a try before you die! And you must have it with the pickled radish…jja jang myeon is made to go with it!
IMG_1970 The best part about these noodles were the noodles, as it rightly should be! They were hand-pulled noodles, and so springy and chewy…love, love, love!
IMG_1967 After stuffing our bellies, we were in need of some serious digestive activity, so we went to go for a walk around Lake Accotink Park. Despite the bare trees in the winter, it was beautiful.
IMG_1985IMG_1971IMG_1972  My poor cousin grumbled the whole way because walking 3.7 miles was not her idea of birthday fun! But she cheered right up when I asked her to model for me:
IMG_1973IMG_1995 Remember Joanna?
IMG_1990 Look, a cross!
IMG_1991IMG_1977  After the hike, we decided we needed some dessert. We stopped by Shilla Bakery for some snacks:
IMG_2025 Tofu chips! Yes, made with real tofu! I have no idea how, but this is probably the only way I’ll eat tofu. ;-)
IMG_2017
And crunchy, buttery almond cookies:
IMG_2018 And two kinds of shaved ice:
IMG_2021 Red bean shaved ice

And Green Tea shaved ice:
IMG_2022 Just mix, mix, mix…
IMG_2023IMG_2024  It was freaking cold outside, but none of us minded chowing down ice into our guts!

Ah, life is sweet! :D
I implore you: make it a new year’s resolution to eat something fantastically deep-fried, and preferably something you never imagined you’d ever try…like jja jang myeon !!

Question of the day: How do you think you’ve changed this year? What are you thankful for this year?

Related posts:

  1. The Tale of Two Dumplings
  2. Luckiest Brat in the World
  3. To Be Ambi-Social
  4. New Year’s Self-Reflection Part II: Dreams and Goals
  5. My Parents’ Hometown

{ 69 comments… read them below or add one }

Sara December 30, 2009 at 10:32 pm

I loved this post!!! Amazing photos and wonderful reflections!
I especially love what you said about the confidence and the emotions. For so long, I have also been ashamed to talk about my eating disorder past- and it would often be the elephant in the room because I knew others knew about it, but I would just feel embarrassed or awkward talking about it- but what you said really is incredible and I feel less ashamed about discussing it on my blog, etc.
Also, about the Emotions. SO TRUE! Isn’t it so incredible to actually FEEL…to know what it’s like to feel and to see how we can emotionally respond/process. Haha, something so seemingly natural!

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candice December 31, 2009 at 4:56 am

I’ll have to try a gift-less birthday celebration like that at least once in my life. ;) Jja jang myeon looks so good (and sounds very Chinese for some reason)! I looove pickled radish :] Tofu chips look pretty awesome, too. I need to try some Korean shaved ice—only had the Taiwanese kind! 8O

I admire you for being able to speak (well, write) straight out about all of your problems, flaws, struggles, etc. It really encourages me to be more open and honest with myself and to look at myself in a more objective way. Though identifying flaws + actually trying to fix them are two different things altogether, you can’t fix them if you don’t know what they are…

I wish you good luck in the 2010!

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Faith December 31, 2009 at 5:23 am

It’s it amazing how so much can change in just one year? I completely agree with you about suffering in life. I think it helps shape us into the person that God wants us to be. Besides, without suffering, how would we truly be able to appreciate the good times? Beautiful post, Sophia…Happy New Year!

P.S. I’m honestly salivating over your General Tsao’s at 8:20 AM! ;)

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Joanne December 31, 2009 at 6:29 am

This is a fantastic post Sophia! You really have changed and grown so much and I am so proud of you! I’m so glad we got to meet and am absolutely devastated that we won’t be able to see each other this week. Spring break perhaps? Or maybe I’ll find an excuse that will get me over to CA.

happy New Year my dear. You deserve another year filled with many many accomplishments…although I think it will be hard for you to top this one!

So much good food. Looks like deep fried heaven :D

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Christina December 31, 2009 at 6:37 am

Sorry I’ve missed a few posts. I love the new blog!

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pigpigscorner December 31, 2009 at 6:51 am

A great year indeed! and here’s to an even better year ahead! Happy 2010!

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Jen December 31, 2009 at 7:51 am

love this! Happy New Year! I can’t wait to try Korean food!!

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Holly December 31, 2009 at 8:32 am

sophia…this was a WONDERFUL reflection of all you’ve learned! a lot of the lessons i can agree with…i was so scared of so many things, but then when they happened, you know what? you deal, you move on, and you keep going. that realization makes me actually not so scared of anything anymore, ya know? i hope that made sense :)

lots of love to you, and SO MANY GREAT things are in your future. i just know it. happy new year!!!!!!

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Paula December 31, 2009 at 10:46 am

Beautiful post. I am so glad you can write about all that now :) That food all looked out of hand good!

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Laura December 31, 2009 at 11:55 am

Im so stupid, I forgot to update your new link to my google reader and then didnt realise you had updated! All fixed now though :-)

Its a real joy to read over what you read and to see just how much progress you have made over this year. I can related to so many things that you have written and share the same feelings/thoughts, it is just wonderful to hear how you have overcome these and got to where you are today.
I cant wait to see what 2010 has in store for you :-)

xox

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Kailey December 31, 2009 at 11:58 am

wow Sophia I lOVE the new blog!!! so cool :)

I am so glad to hear that you have found confidence in yourself because you are a beautiful girl!!
happy new years :D

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Maria December 31, 2009 at 1:45 pm

I’m so glad that this year has been full of amazing blessings for you, Sophia. It’s wonderful to hear about God’s presence and work in your life!

Jjajang myun is my favorite chinese-korean fusion dish too. Love the yummy, unique black bean sauce! I like that fried chicken stuff too, but haven’t had it in forever! I’m willing to eat patbingsoo no matter how cold it is too ;)

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Christina@DeglazeMe December 31, 2009 at 2:15 pm

Sophia, i am sooo jealous!! I miss good jjambbong in MD/VA. here in boston, there are no places with hand-made noodles, and it breaks my heart. especially since it’s been so cold, nothing would be better than a hot spicy bowl of jjambbong with fresh hand-pulled noodles. lucky!!

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Jess December 31, 2009 at 2:24 pm

That first place looks super yummy! You always find the neatest restaurants. Love the furry pink hat and the awesome self-reflections!
<3 jess
xoxo

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Laci December 31, 2009 at 6:36 pm

Sophia,
beautiful self reflection, we can all definitely relate. beautiful pics. I hope you have an amazing 2010, you deserve it hun.
XO
Laci ;)

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Veron December 31, 2009 at 6:44 pm

This is a great self-reflection. Hope you have a great 2010, sweetie. You’ve been through so much. Emotions are what makes us human, you are right. Happy New Year to you!

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Andrea@WellnessNotes January 1, 2010 at 6:44 am

Life is all about reflecting and learning… Great post!

And it features two of my favorite dishes: Jam Bbong and Jja Jang Myeon! Hubby and I actually got some jam bbong at a Chinese Korean restaurant yesterday! :)

There are so many “little” things I’m thankful for. And actually, they are really the big things: all the happy, day-to-day moments I get to spend with my family. That’s what really counts!

Happy 2010, Sophia!

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thenomadGourmand January 5, 2010 at 12:25 am

How do you think you’ve changed this year? What are you thankful for this year?

I have chg-ed a lot. More bitter definitely, but perhaps wiser? But I’m thankful i’m still alive, yes. breathing & BLOGGING & meeting nw frens!

And to be grateful for the dawn of a new year, I will try my best not to be hateful, but to leave the past behind & hopefully turn the year 2010 to be a good one!

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Jolene (www.everydayfoodie.ca) January 10, 2010 at 8:34 pm

So many wonderful pics today!! Wow!! I love kimchi so much … Kimchi and I are BFFs.

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