You can see it in their faces. You can see it in the way they excitedly drag their luggage, you can feel it in the extra bounce in their steps, you can hear it in their high-pitched voices. All the students are preparing to return home for the winter break, and they just cannot wait to be back home.
But I have a confession. I’m not looking forward to going back home at all. In fact, at one point…I was dreading it.
Don’t get me wrong—I can’t wait to see my family, my friends, my dear church members…But at the same time, I don’t want to be seen by them. Because I’ll no longer just be Sophia Lee, college student. I’ll be Sophia Lee, the Anorexic pastor’s daughter.
It’s tough being a pastor’s kid. You’re always on the pedestal. Inevitably, the pastor (my dad) will mention me in his sermons, which will then be downloaded into the internet and spread worldwide. Inevitably, people will be staring at me, observing me and noticing whatever weight I have gained, whatever I’m eating, etc. Inevitably, there will be people coming up to me to tell me they are “praying against the devil within” me. Inevitably, I will feel like I’m still an Anorexic.
I guess I can’t blame them. It is normal that people would expect certain things out of a pastor’s daughter, particularly great pastor like my dad. And in truth, these people in church have been absolute angels. Except for a few individuals who used me to attack my dad, they have been praying for me and encouraging me all throughout my four years of struggling with this vicious disease.
But that’s precisely the point…I always get this nagging feeling that they’re expecting something from me. Their love and attention on me feels like wet cement dripping on my shoulders. The more they shower attention on me, the more that cement molds itself around me, and as it dries, imprisons me into a statue of clay. I feel like I have to conform myself to whatever they expect me to be. And oh, dear God, I feel so damn stifled!
At least, this is what I’ve been telling God all week. I have no one else to turn to, and He’s the only one who truly understands. So I’ve been bitching and moaning about all the pressures “they” are putting on me. And then, God shut me up by asking me a simple question: “Who is this they you keep mentioning?”
Hm. Good question. Who is “they”?
Honestly, I can’t pinpoint one person who makes me feel this way. When I think about each individual, all I can remember is the exact details of how much they cared for me.
And that’s when I realized— that “they”? It’s me. I’m the one who is confining and oppressing myself. I’m the one who’s working myself up with anxiety and stress. I’m the one who keeps feeling like I should do this, I should do that.
Social pressures? It’s really all from the inside. It’s all about the point of view, and a sense of belonging.
I guess I’ve never really felt like I belonged there. In my eyes, I was the sick patient, and they were the ones who looked at me with pity. I was the odd one out, the emaciated girl who looked like a monster. And I certainly felt like a monster. I was incredibly insecure, and these insecurities fed on every single action and speech that others made by twisting them into a skewed perception.
Well, it’s time to break that cycle of insecurities and negative perceptions. I refuse to go back home with my head bowed low and my eyes shifting around suspiciously, almost actively seeking out things that will prove my insecurities right.
No, I’m going to smile. I’m going to laugh. I’m going to exude confidence. Of course, as a pastor’s daughter with a rather scandalous past, I won’t be able to entirely avoid the gaze of others, but you know what? I’ll just show myself off as a living testimony of God’s grace. Look at me, everybody! Look what God did for me! I may be weak and flawed, but God deemed me worthy enough to heal me! If I have to endure a bit of unwanted attention to manifest God’s amazing power and love, so be it!
And honestly—I think I better get used to that attention, because I am pretty freaking amazing like that. 
I mean, my brain just astounds me how brilliant it is! I’ve been trying to use up all the bits and scraps leftover in my fridge and pantry before I left town, and boy I came up with some pretty darn good creations!
So indulge me and pretend this is the best creation ever:
Sweet Potatoes Stewed in Coconut Milk and Peanut Butter
- 1 tsp olive oil
- 2 cloves garlic, minced
- 1/2 onion, diced
- 1 big-ass sweet potato, chopped into 1-inch chunks
- about 1 cup coconut milk, maybe more
- 2 spoonfuls crunchy peanut butter
- balsamic vinegar (about 1 tablespoon?)
- lime juice (optional)
- 1 tsp ground cumin
- 1 tsp cinnamon
- pinch garam marsala
- salt and pepper
- handful raisins
- 2 slices provolone cheese, diced
In a pot, fry up the garlic and onion, until fragrant and slightly softened. Toss in the sweet potato. Stir to mix, then pour in the coconut milk with all the rest of the ingredients except the raisins and cheese.
Bring the mixture to a boil, and then cover and simmer for about 20 minutes until the sweet potato is cooked through and the sauce is reduced. Stir in the raisins.
Transfer the stewed sweet potato into a dish, and top with provolone cheese. Serve!
I admit, it’s rather monotone in color. I would have added some sprinkle of chopped green onions, but I had none. Spinach would also have been nice, but I also had none of that.
Still, the taste was incredible. I mean, you’ve got it all…sweet potatoes, coconut milk, and peanut butter. You never would have thought so, but the combination works. It freaking works!
How should I describe the taste? It’s rich. It’s sensuous. It’s sweet, yet nutty and spicy at the same time. The only alteration I’ll make for next time is adding a squeeze of lime juice. It just needed a bit more acid in there.
And I loved the crunchy peanut butter in there, which added bits of chopped peanuts. I suppose you can add your own.
And ooey, gooey cheese. Mmm. I almost put an egg on top, but I used the egg for another dish (recipe to come!).
All hail to Sophia, Queen of Crazy Dishes!
I think I’ve done enough self-praising. Now it’s your turn. Haha, just kidding! But you know what? It feels nice to be able to let loose a little, and even poke fun at myself. I take myself too seriously sometimes!
Anyway. In about 12 hours, I’ll be flying back home to Virginia…See you in the East Coast!
Question of the day: Do you feel any social pressures, especially during this holiday season? How do you overcome that?
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Since I’m a trainer, I guess I always feel a pressure to be fit. And fit differs for everyone, so sometimes ppl are surprised that I’m a trainer.
Social pressure has been a constant for me b/c of my tendency to measure myself against others – inevitably, I feel that I’m always falling short. Right now, that self-pressure is about my blog! I’m convinced that I have ‘lost’ friends because I haven’t been posting as much. Your previous entry about blogging and HS hit home – I feel the same anxieties, looking at and envying the ‘popular’ kids. [Sigh] You’d think that decades later, I’d have left it all behind!
But I appreciate your words of self-realization: we are who we make of ourselves, not how we are defined by or measured against others.
Now, before this becomes an epic comment, I want to say that this creation sounds awesome! Love the flavor combo of SP, coconut milk, nut butter and spices. You certainly have a way with refrigerator leftovers!
oh my! that dish looks amazing and combines ingredients I would never think – great idea!!
I think that sweet potato dish looks amazing! The combo really does sound like it would go together.
Sometimes, by having identified myself as a runner, I feel pressure to be the best runner out there who runs 6 minute miles and races every weekend. That is so not me!
Provelone cheese, eh? Hmmm…..well, I would try it!
Awesome job identifying “them.” It’s really just Ed trying to make you feel inadequate. Way to knock him down and stand up for yourself! Hope your trip home is amazing
xoxo
Preaching to the choir sister. I feel you on this one, truly I do. Not only did I used to have an eating disorder, but now I’m an RD! People look at me and judge me and analyze me all the time. I’m used to it at this point, and I trust myself and who I am so much that I don’t even care what others are thinking anymore. I know that what I do is truly who I am so they can take it or leave it. People used to look at me and think, “is she gaining weight? Will she eat that? How much food did she take?” Now I feel that they look at me and think, “Is she practicing what she preaches? Is she looking at what I’m eating and judging me? Is she really eating that cake even though she tells us not to (which I dont, by the way..)”
I jumped the hurtle of worrying about what others think a while ago. I supposed it’s a bit different with you, as my dad isn’t a pastor, or even close! But you are strong and such an individual. YOu will survive, and it will be a lot easier than you imagine, I know it!
You are right, there will be people who judge you, but you are also right, their opinions really don’t matter. All that matters is where you stand with God.
Great looking dish, btw.
Sophia, only you could empty out a fridge and make something so delicious. Im convinced that challenges such as your ED have made you the beautiful person you are today. Just like your fridge full of random items, all of your tough moments over the past 4 years have resulted in a more confident, aware beautiful woman. Can we always add a little green onion in life? Ofcourse, life is a process of growth and development. So go back home and hold your head up high knowing how much you are loved. Safe travels, happy holidays xoxo
Have a safe trip!
This looks awesome.
Yeah, that stupid “they” is always actually just me. So annoying.
Hm… social pressures. Well, there are just a lot of social events in general. This used to make me anxious but ever since I moved I’ve kind of embraced the social butterfly within me.
As an RD, there’s always this “pressure” to fit the “healthy mold”. Its funny because have told me they worry about what to eat in front of me… then they get to know me. It’s all about having a healthy state of mind…. once that’s realized all the worrying goes away.
Have a safe trip home
I have this love/hate relationship with my mom. She is a tiny woman and eats whatever she wants. I feel superior to her sometimes because I can refrain. I feel like she’s jealous of me because although she is small i’m fit and muscular. She hates when I refuse to eat fun things. Is she jealous? NO…i’ve got all this crap made up in my mind. She just misses the fun person I used to be.
Today my friend asked me to go shopping. All these thoughts enter my mind. What time, will I be able to get my workout in, will she want me to eat out heaven forbid…etc…
So I can relate to some of your anxiety. I LOVE your blog it’s like therapy for me now
I definitely feel the social pressure around the holidays with my family. They are always watching what my next food move will be. I’m anxious about our upcoming trip b/c I always have some sort of emotional breakdown at unfamiliar restaurants.
Girl, you are amazing
And if “they” can’t see that, then they NEED to look again.
My whole family is kinddaaaa sortaaaaa hick (aka we have deer at Thanksgiving, and squirrel pie at Christmas…gross), and I really don’t fit in with them at all. I used to really hate being around them, but now I figure its only for a few days that I see them every year, and they are my family so I’m kind of stuck with them, haha.
To a certain extent, I can totally relate to your family situation. Many of my family members insisted it was something wrong in my immediate family that caused me to become AN. A few of my aunts actually “kidnapped” me one evening and asked me all sorts of (slightly hostile) questions about my life at home. From then on, much of my family has talked about how they’d pray for me, etc. When I was in IP my great aunt sent me a prayer book and rosary beads, with a note saying she had her entire church say prayers for me every Sunday. Now that I’m home, and finally better, I’m really nervous about seeing everyone again. My family is having a get together on Christmas Eve. I’m scared to death of having everyone watching and analyzing what I eat. I’ll tough it out, I’ve gotten (kind of) used to it. But I’m still really afraid that I’ll feel so nervous and afraid of not saying or doing the “right” thing, or even just not choosing the “right” foods that I’ll just end up screwing everything up. Its a ridiculous fear. But, I’ve legit been chased around the house with plates of pasta and cake. Doesn’t help much. *sigh* Lets both just cross our fingers and hope that the progress we have made, and our new, healthy and beautiful selves will steal the attention away from anorexia, finally. . If anyone in my family gives me any ED-commentary – I’m telling them exactly that – “I would prefer if we focused on how healthy and glorious I am now that I’m so far along in my recovery, instead of whatever distance you still see that I need to go. I’m doing well, and getting better so that’s what’s important. Happiness and health is more important than the size of my pants versus the size of my dessert.” I think that may be a good reminder to our friends and family,, no?
xo
Tori
I feel your pain. It’s tough to sit there while everyone sneaks glances at just how much you’re eating off your plate. I say a secret prayer each year that someone in my family will do something stupid around the holidays, get in trouble, or get pregnant so they’ll be the center of attention. It’s only worked once
Sophia, thank you so much for this inspiring and uplifting post. It is very insightful to realize that although “social pressures” may seem like they come from the outside, we actually reinforce pressure on ourselves. In reality, the outside only influences us but does not directly change us; only we can change ourselves. It is all about the intention, and yours are very positive. I have no doubt that you will share many, many good vibes with the people of your church back home–your determination and confidence never ceases to inspire.
I feel your pain ~ being a PK. Fortunately, there are so many new people at our church (and because I’m adopted) that I can sort of fly under the radar. Hope you’re able to relax and shrug off the pressure at home.
Have a safe trip back and hang in there. I am sure people will be happy to see you and hopefully will keep the talk/gossip to a minimum.
social pressure….though I don’t have the same experience as you, but I totally understand. Guess that’s what we get from school, from your teachers and from your friends in the class — if you are a good student , you should do nothing wrong and you should always get A in all your class. It’s just hurt to hear some one say, oh even xxx did a bad job in this exam. damn. I don’t even care, but why everybody around me keep repeating that?
I guess one way to really not bother by this kind of social pressure is being strong yourself, and have a courage to live truly for yourself, and “see yourself”. maybe that’s why you don’t like to be addressed like some’s daughter
. I am sure you can do it, and actually, you already did!! all I read from your blog is a strong and thoughtful young girl!!!
and…for that coconut PB sweet potato stew…how can you pamper yourself like that??? haha, I love all these three ingredients !
i love creating things while using up all my fridge items, but i must admit i have never made anything as nearly delicious as this! yum!!
aside from that.
wow. you are so right. any pressure i feel from others to be sick, to be different, to disengage, that’s all from me. i put the pressure on myself to appear not good enough for them, its ridiculous, they are my family and they love me, even though they may not understand what i am going through.
thank you miss sophia!
hope you have a safe flight
xoxo
I am sure your amazing personality will draw anyone from thinking about your physical appearance. And at least you have a testimony of your PAST, and at that point you can remind them that you have left it in the PAST, and this is you in the PRESENT so you would appreciate if everyone could move on as well!
Ooo this dish sounds like a wonderful flavor combination!! Love it
Oh dude, social pressure is what i feel ALL the time when i go home. Letting it get to me is another story. I used to let it get to me much easier, but now i feel like i’m a wall. Asian people tend to be really harsh, blunt, judgmental whatever…and i’ve gotten lots of insults about how I look, how i talk, etc. from relatives. I just take everything with a grain of salt. I do what’s right for me and I just have to KNOW they love me…they only “insult” because they think it’s constructive criticism. hehehehe
Have a wonderful trip home. Pressure comes with being a great person. You have the strength of live up to it and exceed it. Don’t worry sweetie, overthinking things will not make it better. Just be yourself, but i’m sure you knew that already!
Oh, my goodness… I can SO relate to this post!! I definitely feel those pressures too. It’s hard when people who have known you since you were a baby expect you to take the same route in life that everyone else in the community did; and when you don’t do that, it really does feel like they’re looking down on you for it. (By “you,” here, I mean “me.” :p)
Have a good flight home!
<3 <3
First, hot damn that dish looks good! I’m going to have to give that one a shot! Second, I DEFINITELY feel pressure when I go home for Christmas. I was the only person from my high school to go to an Ivy League school, which has labeled me as the “smart and successful” girl for the rest of my life. I definitely feel pressure to talk about how “great” everything is. I love my current job, but it definitely is a stepping stone kind of thing to the career that I want to have, which not everyone can understand…
I think almost everyone, maybe not all students yet, feels some kind of pressure during the holidays. Being away from family and then forced together, even voluntarily, during a time when emotions are running high–it’s bound to be kind of stressful in some way! You’re definitely not alone in your worries. Best of luck!
I know EXACTLY what you mean about going home. I go home every weekend so its not home, home that does it to me but being around my extended family for the holidays definitely gets to me.
I realized something on Thanksgiving though. It’s all in MY head. When I stopped and considered what my family was speaking to me about, it wasn’t what I was/wasn’t eating, it wasn’t that I look “healthier” (re: fat to ED), it was curiousity over a new boyfriend they heard about and congrats on my LSAT score. They were interested in my school life and social adventures, not my food intake and weight gain.
So for Christmas and every family get together, I’ve maken it my goal to abandon the anticipatory anxiety and realize that I always make it worse than it actually turns out to be.
Safe trip home and exude that confidence because you surely have TONS to be confident about!
I HATE how much the holidays revolve around food. A lot of my family members are food pushers…analyzing what I’m eating, making comments about my weight, etc. It can be stressful!
This year I will be in Chicago with my husband’s family so we will see how things go there
Sweet potatoes and coconut milk, two of my favorite things!
Beautiful post- I had a “who are they” realization of my own, in regards to old sorority stuff. As individuals, the girls were all great people, but I villified a “they” in my head. Funny how that happens! Have a great trip, and def keep your head up and eyes smiling!
i tend to let what people think of me get in the way of being and doing what i really want to do. i’m working really hard to realize that what people think and say really has no effect on my life at all because only i know what’s really in my heart and intentions. i hope you have a great trip!
and awesome dish, i’m blown away by your creations everytime!
Hi Sophia! I totally understand what you’re saying about people being hard on pastors and their kids. I have NO Idea why it’s that way; it’s like they expect you to be sub-human! Can’t make mistakes! Can’t have ANY issues! Have to be perfect!
For me, people want to know why I’m not married yet. Makes me feel like a diseased person who is in her 50′s! I’m still young and loving life!!
I just smile and say, “I hope soon!”
Like you said, hold your head up high and share with them about how God brought you through!
And boast loudly about His awesomeness! It’s going to be awesome!!
Amazing, you definitely are!! You deserve the attention
I used to dread going to visit my parents when I started eating healthy, not because they don’t cook healthily (they do), but because I had no control over it… I didn’t have my familiar products around me… but in the end it was ok
yeah, they should be scared of you- exuding confidence. BOOO YEAH!!!!
queen of crazy dishes you are! =D
YOU”RE LEAVING ME?!?!?!?!
So true, what a beautiful post. Do you know it brought me to tears reading this. Because I totally understand and mostly because I am so proud of your realisations!
Live your life the way that suits you, be who you are, live for yourself. And enjoy every minute of it:)
xxx Julia (Taste of Living)
i am so proud of you for realizing that it is you nto them, we all tend to do that to urselves because of stupid ed! you are amazing for overcoming that
i know you can blow them away when you go home
xoxo
shelley
http://findinghappinessandhealth.wordpress.com
i understand where you’re at! i am going through the same situation because i am soo different from what my parents expected me to be and my dad actually called me weird! sheesh! it used to bother me but i find that being me is the most rewarding feeling ever.
man, i can always count on you to cheese up all your creations! i love it!
have a safe flight!
I do sort of know what you mean about going back to your home church. I know they mean well, but all the questions about school and “how are classes?” “how were your grades” just get’s overwhelming and pretty darn annoying. Not sure why people feel like they have a right to know my grades.
LOVE what you said about “a living testimony of Gods grace”..thats how i feel too!! its so true!! dont even WORRY about what anybody else is thinking-i know what you mean about your old home church, i used to be so nervous going back
i love love love that i live in a big city where most days i don’t see anyone who knows me when i’m out doing things…. so much less pressure
in my hometown i feel like i have to be far more put together… have a nice smiling story, makeup done, all that.
here, no pressure
Oh I know how you feel! I always dread going home getting asked the same question over and over again by others. The same old “Have you talked to your dad lately” I mean the same question since I was a kid but I don’t let it bother me anymore.
Show them the new you! Have fun enjoy yourself with your family
I was reading this thinking “the they is her. How will I communicate that in a comment?” And then you figured it out on your own! I think you have an excellent approach to going home. You can’t escape the inevitable; you will be watched and observed to an extent because people care about you and are looking for proof that you’re okay (proof they will find in you eating, in your body…. and mostly in your energy).
I’m not a pastor’s daughter, but I dreaded going home in college for the same reasons.
Sophia! Remember me?
No matter how sad/contemplative your posts are, the food ALWAYS seems so bright and cheery! I can’t imagine the pressure of being a pastor’s daughter, you’re always having to live up to a job description that you never applied for! But I know you will handle your trip home with grace and anyone who comes into contact with you will be better for it. Just don’t forget to take care of yourself!
Sofia,
you are such a smart and inspirational girl. thank you. I hope when you visit your family all will be better this time and the comments will begin to fade. hope you enjoy your holidays
I think you have a great attitude! I really loved your comment on my post about this topic. It’s true that if we put out nervous energy, people will respond to us nervously. I still feel a lot of the weight of being seen a certain way (whether it’s related to my eating disorder or the drama that occurred between my husband and me a while back or whatever else). I think the key in life (and especially during the holidays) is to find peace with who you are. If you have confidence, people will respond to that. They will start to see you differently. The labels — as the anorexic pastor’s daughter or whatever else — are more ingrained in your own brain than anyone else’s. I hope you enjoy yourself because you really have come so, so far! You have every right to beam with pride
You are wise beyond your years, my dear. You’re right: it’s OURSELVES that we have to deal with, not others!
Awesome post, girl! I can’t wait to see the new “label” you create for yourself, because the one I have for you: thoughtful person, gifted writer, creative chef! Notice no “A” word to be found!
Beautiful post :O). You seem to really have a grip on your thoughts and speak very eloquently!
Your recipe looks amazing btw – anything with peanut butter is my kind of food!!
- Beth @ http://www.DiningAndDishing.com
Oh darlin!! This is a beautiful post, I love reading your journeys and how you deal with your daily life
You are an ispiration my friend!
I love it!
The bacon pop is a little interesting…..lol
XXOO
wow you are such a great writer I love coming to see what you will think to write each and every day! You have said so many inspirational and wise thoughts in this post. All you can do is know YOU and now worry about THEM. You just be yourself and exude that confidence that you have and they will no longer catagorize you, if they do, thats their problem!
I do feel pressure sometimes as a trainer to always be fit and eat healthy and not touch any junk food, but the truth is I love to indluge just like anyone else! if I don’t work out for 2 days in a row, its no big deal to me, but I have this voice in teh back of my head that says that I am supposed to workout EVERYDAY. I have learned to not listen to this voice or think what others will think about me!
xox
The pressure is all coming from the inside and not the outside. If you learn to let go of all the expectations, things are so much easier. But that is a very, very hard thing to do….
It’s interesting. I just wrote a blog post on the power of perception and how you can choose how you perceive things. But you’ve taken it one step further – changing how you perceive YOURSELF. And that is much, much harder to change. But realizing you have the power within – is a great step forward. I hope you know how many people love you out here in Bloggy World (me, included!) Hugs to you as you travel home!
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