There was a battle at my school yesterday—The Battle of the Football: USC vs. UCLA. For those of you who don’t know much about sports and American universities, USC and UCLA are deadly rivals. No question about it— USC is better than UCLA in every aspect, naturally. Of course, I may be a teensy weensy bit biased, but I’m pretty sure that is a well-established fact.
Go Trojans!! FYI: Trojans = USC. Bruins = (f)UCLA. Red = USC. Blue = UCLA(ss).
Anyway, let me just tell you— we USC and UCLA students don’t get along. I mean, we sell shirts that say “My maid went to UCLA” for God’s sake. And we even built a shrine for a dog which apparently chewed the Bruin’s mascot’s head off!
Which was why I was absolutely flabbergasted to see this: 
A family housing both the Trojans and the Bruins? What?! 
Wait, there’s more: 
Trojans and Bruins…tailgating together?!
And this: 
Kids, kids, please! You guys are supposed to fight, not walk in peace together! 
And worse, a Trojan + a Bruin = Romance?!! 
WHAT THE EFFING HELL is going on?!
Okay, okay. I’m overreacting. Seeing “enemies” get along well together does actually make me feel all furry and toasty inside and blah, blah, blah. But I’m exaggerating for a reason. Because in the case of recovery from an eating disorder, this ain’t all lovebirds and cute anymore.
You see, I’ve been chatting with a few people about recovery from eating disorders. And one common obstacle I find is the reluctance to march into a life-or-death battle.
Recovery is a tough, gritty battle. But there is a reason why it’s called a battle. There is a reason why you’re asked to fight in a recovery. Because recovery, ultimately, is the battle between wanting to remain eating disordered and the desire to be free.
Before I even considered recovery, I have to admit that life wasn’t all that complicated. I had a definite goal, and that was to continue on with my eating disordered habits and behaviors, to dwell and thrive in my disordered and self-mutilating thoughts.
But in came Recovery the Bitch. Suddenly, there were two conflicting forces within me. I longed to burst out of my eating disorder, but yet at the same time, I was reluctant to give up a lot of my eating disordered ways. I tried to compromise. I tried to make excuses. I tried to bargain, thinking, “I’ll stop doing this but continue doing that, etc.” But at the same time, deep down I was despairing, because I knew that holding on to these things would never let me truly recover.
Well, it got me nowhere. In fact, there was a time when I actually physically gained the weight. But a few months later, I relapsed and plunged deeper into my ED demise than ever before.
And so I came to this conclusion: There is no 80% recovered, or even 99% recovered. You are either recovered, or you’re not. Otherwise, you’ll be forever caught in that never-ending contradiction between Life and ED.
You have to choose. You can’t face a battle straddling both sides. Make up your mind, and stick to it. Fight for it, tooth and nail, with all your might and soul. Honestly, the biggest turning point in total recovery is the moment you single-mindedly determine that you want to get rid of every trace of ED, once and for all. From then on, things aren’t so complicated, because you have only one goal and purpose in mind, and that is to destroy ED.
And that means, you’ve got to make a complete turnover. No more calorie-counting. No more diet products. No more abusing exercise. No more “fat” thoughts. No obsessive weighing/measuring. No avoidance of any particular foods, no bringing your own food to social events, no repetitive eating of the same things over and over again. I could go on and on, but you yourself know the things you have to change best.
This is a battle. And we cannot ever entertain thoughts of befriending or compromising with the enemy. We need to pulverize him. Or hang him, for this matter. Very much like this: 
Hang the Bruin bear! 
DIE, Bruins!
Here’s a stellar Trojan boo-ing a couple of passing Bruins: 
OMG. Do you see that little kid with the toy sword? Tee hee hee!
Put on your full armor, because we’re gonna win! 
Unfortunately, this is a bad statue. He looks like Bill Clinton.
Anyway. I’m very pleased to tell you that USC totally kicked UCLA’s ass at our football game on Saturday. Sorry, Tra and Sue!
To celebrate, my church friends and I went on a Pho trip. Unfortunately, I have to say that while USC definitely trumps UCLA in many areas, food is just not one of them. There is just a total lack of good restaurants in the USC vicinity!
We went to apparently the best Pho place in the USC area, Pho 36: 
Instantly, I was suspicious to see Korean writings on the menu: 
But the owners looked Vietnamese enough, so my fears were appeased.
The interior design was pretty neat and chic: 
But I do not like this ugly Buddha figure: 
I’m pretty damn sure the real Buddha in history was not a fatso with dangling earlobes.
I ordered the PHO House special: 
Rare steak, brisket, tendon, tripe, and meatballs in rice noodle soup with fresh herbs. 
They also gave me an abundant side of raw onions, basil, bean sprouts, cilantro, jalapeño, and lime slices. 
The “rare” steak became cooked in the hot broth: 
But it was tasty enough.
It was my first time eating Vietnamese meatballs: 
It was meaty. Very meaty. Not bad!
Call me crazy, but my favorite was the tripe: 
Chewy! Yummy!
Unfortunately, the noodles were mushy and overcooked: 
The broth wasn’t bad but it wasn’t as rich and intense as I would have liked. I added tons of sriracha and hoisin sauce: 
One of my friends ordered a dish I’ve never seen before, the Cha Gio: 
Vermicelli rice noodles with egg rolls, vegetables and char-boiled steak. It comes with a sweet and spicy dressing called Nuoc Cham, which you pour over the entire dish. 
Cool. I wish I’d ordered that, but I hate vermicelli noodles. Nasty skinny things.
Well, Thanksgiving weekend is over. Three more weeks of intense stress, and then it’s all over! I might or might not blog during exam week, but we’ll see. 
Have a great week, everybody! Fight your battles!
Question of the day:
For those in ED recovery: What is your thought on the ED battle? Do you think there is something you are unwilling to let go off?
For those not in ED recovery: Skinny noodles (like vermicelli, angel hair). Love or ha
te?
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LOVE that analogy!!!
we had a football BATTLE too..usc vs clemson..ugh, my team lost.. freakin sad day.
GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR STRESSFUL STUFF! you can do it!
I’ll answer this
“What is your thought on the ED battle? Do you think there is something you are unwilling to let go off?”
Something I often struggle to let go off is ‘fat thoughts’, hehe. And talking about me getting fat. Although it’s alot easier nowadays. Thank God for the most affirming people around me…that they bring me to see my strengths instead of obsessing over that over-distended stomach after a pig-out with friends… Otherwise, I think I’m so grateful for that stubborn nature in me that refuses to let me fall back once I’ve set my mind on living life to the fullest. hehe.
MEANIE! oh well. fucla? says the university of second choice. u$C U$C.
a trojan is only good once, a bruin is forever. =D
since we’re getting NASTY. =D
hahhaha love the pho! i like pho ga. chicken all the way! dumpling date soon!
VERY interesting point. I’ve been torn about this issue of “recovered” for some time. What does it mean? I think the fact that I’m asking means I’m not recovered. I agree in many ways that there is a choice to be made and, deep down within ourselves, we know what battles are left in the big fight. We know what we’re hanging onto from the ED. I’m recovered in many ways, but I know there are still little rules I’m chipping away at, so that I know I can live and act and choose freely without ED imposing things on me. Right now, it’s hard for me to not know what I’m going to eat. It’s a control issue I still have. If I don’t know what food will be involved, I’ll very likely avoid the situation all together. I’m working on this one as I think it’s one of my remaining ties to anorexia.
I’ve never had a real ED, but I definitely associate with some of the thoughts and behaviors. I have to constantly challenge myself, inveigle myself, and convince myself to fight deprivation and feelings of guilt. It was hard at first, but it only gets easier!
Oh, so THAT’S what it’s called! Tripe! I love that stuff. So chewy and delish. I don’t like vermicelli and other skinny noodles either. My dad thinks I’m crazy. But my favorite type of noodle is udon—oh yes… lots of slurp action going on there
TROJANS!!!!
Pho sounds good right about now. Been too long since I’ve had some. I have no preference in noodles as long as it’s mixed into some delicious dish, I’m a happy camper.
wow.. i dont know what to say. i read htis post, and could feel the truthfulness behind every word. i am struggling to let go of my disordered eating and honestly, you are SO RIGHT. there IS something i am unwilling to let go of. it upsets me every day. Why, when rationally I know I was happier before this disorder, am I so tempted to not change? It makes no sense but it is something htat is comfortable. I am truly partially scared to let go. I agree, it IS all or nothing and i really hope I can let myself be happy by just letting go.. I know it is what I need to do..
xoxo
shelley
http://findinghappinessandhealth.wordpress.com
Excellent post! We all have our demons that we need to shut down, and your post gave excellent inspiration.
I love pho! I had some the other day, very good for beating this annoying cold of mine.
Very interesting post! hehe I always love how you tie your current situations to a lesson and then bring us right into the food!
Honestly, pasta is pasta to me. Once it goes in my mouth, whichever shape, it just gets all chewed up, so I don’t notice.
I’ve never had pho but Anthony Bourdain sure is a big fan!!
What an awesome post!!! Esp this: I’m pretty damn sure the real Buddha in history was not a fatso with dangling earlobes.
As a registered yoga teacher (for the past 9 yrs) I have been in sooo many yoga, alternative, weird, hippy, strange, unique places…with buddhas. And I have to say, I always feel the same sentiment you do!!!
xoxo
I’m getting over a cold and a big, piping hot bowl of pho is just what the doctor ordered.
Thank you so much for this post. I know that is why recovery has not happened for me. I AM ready to commit completely, but there is a tiny part of me holding me back. I think what is really holding me back is the weight… gaining it or staying the same where I am not happy. I know i need to learn to say “fuck it” and just let my body naturally be happy.
Sorry for the mini rant
And noo Buddha historically was actually very athletic
(I actually AM learning in my Buddhism class)
I’m too tired to write out all my thoughts about this right now (I do have a lot of them on this subject), but I quickly, for now, wanted to tell you that I find it very interesting that learning to not see things in black-and-white and learning to not think in an all-or-nothing way is such a part of ED recovery. Yet, in life, it seems like NOTHING is black-and-white except one thing… and that is recovery from an ED. 99% recovery doesn’t exist. You can’t keep this, leave that. Recovery is black and white. Recovery is all-or-nothing. You must aim to do it all the way. My therapist says that too many people dont’ go all the way. They recover just enough so that they can function. She calls this “hovering.” You “hover” with your ED. “Hovering,” is dangerous, she says. You can relapse and decrease your quality of life still. You still are not free if you are “hovering.” I think I have recently made that decision for myself – the decision to not hover (I’ve spent the last couple of years hovering) and to aim for full recovery. The past week, I was bombarded with more ED thoughts than normal, but, for the first time in a while, I knew I just had to ignore them. The answer “ignore them” was so obvious because I am at peace with the idea of not having my ED. I have made up my mind to aim for 100% recovery. Before, when I wanted to keep this behavior but leave that behavior, etc., etc. (when I wasn’t truly aiming for 100% recovery), if I had an ED thought attack my brain, I gave it time of day. I thought, “Hm… what should I do?” Now, the thoughts might come, but, lately, I’ve noticed that there isn’t as much of a question about what to do. The answer seems obvious: ignore the thought. You can’t always control what thought pops in to your head. But you can more easily control how much air time you give them, how much time of day you give them, how much you dwell on them. And you can always control your actions that follow them.
You are so right, I agree with every little thing you said here! And you know what? Finding your blog showed me that some time ago, I KNEW I had to recover for real, that it was possible. That the right way wasn’t doing it ‘half’, like I did until then.
And I am so glad I found it, because you’re right: it’s 100%, it’s all-or-nothing (ED-people are pretty good in thinking black&white anyway;) ) but it’s so worth it and possible!
xxx Julia (Taste of Living)
Vermicelli rice noodles with egg rolls, vegetables and char-boiled steak is my FAV viet dish!
cos I love popia (spring rolls!) and them Viets does it better than our chinese version with wood fungus etc!
And mixing up the nuts & the sauce..this is such a healthy dish! ;p
Angelhair is fine cos its mostly used in Italian cookin where the sauces are flavourful n heavy but yeahh..might not be a good choice for chinese/viet/etc cuisine whr the broth is soupy and “clearer” in taste.
There is no 80% recovered, or even 99% recovered. You are either recovered, or you’re not. Otherwise, you’ll be forever caught in that never-ending contradiction between Life and ED
SO FREAKING TRUE!!! that’s why i am sitting here after 6 years of anorexia because i was always convinced that 80% will do. FUCK no. it has to be 100% of else your life is consumed by the ED.
We have a dish like that at a restaurant near my work – vermicelli with spring rolls – so good!! I’m definitely pro vermicelli!!
I’m not a big fan of angel hair noodles, but my mom loves it. Although the last time I tried vermicelli with Maggie in SF I loved it!
I like the point you make here. But I believe that there is a bit of a grey area in recovery. I’m not completely recovered, but I’ve come so far. I do not have as many irrational food fears as I did when my eating disorder completely consumed me. So I feel like there is a spectrum in recovery, because we make strides everyday, and we need to be strong enough to make those strides.
I hate skinny noodles! I love thicker noodles.
I can relate to this post 100%.
I’m sure I’m not just speaking for myself when I say that I struggle with each and every habit listed: calorie counting, repetitive eating, avoidance, excercise, fat thoughts, weighing etc.
I have made up my mind that I want ED gone for good but there is something inside me that won’t let go; I constantly fall back on all of these habits which are so engrained it’s like I don’t know how to live without them. Hopefully, with time, I will realize that they arn’t truly a part of me.
Thanks so much for your kind words =) It means the world to me that there is strength out there willing to be passed on to those who need it most. Bless you.
xox
Tat
I agree, but I think that we will continue to battle with ourselves each and every day. Wheather someone is recovering from an ED, drugs, alcohol, whatever, there will always be days that we struggle, but that is what makes the road to recovery unending. I don’t think anyone FULLY is 100% recovered from anything. Life is a huge battle and some days we win and some days we loose. We just have to pray that we win most of the time and learn from the days that we loose!
Take care sweet girl!
I think you’re absolutely right about recovering from ED. You can’t pick and choose which behaviours you are going to keep if you want to be truly free. Thanks for sharing your pictures. Love the pho! Too bad the noodles were mushy. BTW, skinny noodles are fine by me!
Haha I love all of your metaphors on comparing life to ED! But you’re right- it IS a battle that lasts for looooooong time, sometimes forever. Weight will always be an issue that will affect the way I think about myself, sadly enough.
I LOVE skinny noodles! But, since I’ve given up wheat for my IBS, I have not had any skinny noodles, or noodles in general for that matter, in quite a long time. I miss them
I know there are gluten free ones, which I should try.
BOOOOOO USC, by the way. Really hard reading the beginning of this post. OSU hates USC (because they always beat us, yeah we’re sore losers).
Have a great week!
Absolutely true… it’s either all or nothing. I think that mentally, I’ve made up my mind that I want ED out of my life. The emotional part just seems slow in catching up. It’s “easy” to stop behaviors, I guess, but it’s a lot harder to stop thoughts and feelings.
As for the noodles … I can’t say the thickness or thinness of it has ever even crossed my mind!! So I suppose I have nothing against skinny noodles. :p
<3 <3
I think of ED like an addiction. You’ll struggle with triggers for the rest of your life. It’s important to learn different skills to deal with those triggers.
Great post!
I guess it’s slightly related, but the other day I saw a picture at my definite heaviest. And I think it was the first time I actually told myself, with assurance “I will NEVER go back to weighing that much, ever”, whereas before there was probably this part of me that was unsure…
And I love vermicelli noodles
I think it can be hard to know for sure you’re recovered, until many many years later. The way I feel now I don’t think I’ll ever relapse, but then can you know that for sure. I know some people have relapsed when faced with tragedy, or something bad happening in their life, and I haven’t been through anything bad in my life since recovery (of which I’m very Thankful) So does that mean I’m not fully recovered? Who knows, all I know for sure is I’m happy, healthy and ED can get lost
Great post!
Personally, I love angel hair and skinny noodles.
I will never understand American football…or American college rivalry… I went to a small arts university, we loved everybody
Small skinny noodles are my favourite!!! I will only buy angel hair actually. Or, it needs to be whole wheat and “sturdier.” I don’t like how mushy the white, thicker noodles get. And slimy. Ew.
I love love love angel hair. They’re so skinny that it’s not hard to eat. Spaghetti, on the other hand, is a different story. I hate having to get out a spoon and start rolling it around my fork!
My brother-in-law went to USC… He’s avid on watching all the games no matter where he is
I love how insightful you are about your ED and the road to recovery, and the battles that come and go, and your ability to be passionate about foods, especially your cultural and traditional foods. You are very strong and I think you will be sucessful in recovery.
i love skinny noodles. the fiance HATES ‘em. hates hates, not just dislikes.
i pick my battles, and that one isn’t worth it. so no skinny noodles in our house
i love all noodles, i’m hard pressed to pik a favorite! great post, the food looks awesome!
Mmm, I love Vietnamese food. Nuoc Cham, so tasty!
Though I am not a fan of tripe. I guess I like “light” Vietnamese food.
Nothing better than college football. I’m going to the Big 12 championship game this weekend at the Cowboys stadium to see my UT Longhorns play Nebraska.
Sounds like a fun day! And those Vietnamese meatballs look great- never tried them either!
OOOH! That soup looks so super yummy[: Well I have gained back all the weight i lost but i still sometimes have those annoying ed thoughts! i have been trying so hard to get em to stop but it just is too hard sometimes! with every bite, i am getting closer to normality[: xoxxx
sophie
I love your comparison of ED recovery to the football game. Instead of saying that you are either recovered or not, though, I think it’s more that you are either 100% committed to recover or you’re not. I was not committed for a long time. I would eat everything that I was supposed to but would still look up calorie counts on menus and count calories and not eat anything that wasn’t on my list of things to eat for the day. Eventually, though, I stopped doing all of those things. I guess I woke up one morning and decided to not count calories that day. And then days turned into weeks and months. And it was hard and terrible but I did it. I definitely still have fat thoughts on occasion, which I know are ridiculous, but when that happens i just try to shake them off and walk away from the mirror LOL.
And I like fat noodles as well. Linguine and fettuccine and wide rice noodles all the way baby!
i love your posts so much
i agree, i think in order to completely be free of Ed you have to let go of it entirely. i wish it didn’t have to be as scary as it is, but its necessary in order to live in freedom.
oh college rivalries, they crack me up haha
Congrats to USC! Such a great post, Sophia, I especially love the “cross-cultural” (for lack of a better term, lol!) romance!
Good question about the skinny spaghetti noodles. I think they’re ok, but I much prefer a thicker spaghetti noodle or something like fettuccine!
I LOVE PHO!!!!!
I’m going to try making it one day soon! YUM YUM!
I had Pho this weekend, randomly in Hartford, CT. We sat down to no menus, the waiter just said – you want beef or shrimp? Haha we got both and it was great
Ahhh your pho looks fantastic, but I absolutely LOVE thin noodles. Especially Chinese rice noodles!! They have the perfect texture and soak up whatever flavored broth it happens to be sitting in. BOO I’ll have to convert you and make you some of mine when I meet you…hopefully soon.
You summed it all up, I completly agree with what you said.
If you want to recover fully from an ed you have to give it everything, 100% because any less means you are still hanging onto some part of your ed.
I`ve fallen into that trap manys of times, I’ve tried recovery tactics but I’ve always comprimised at the same time so my ed was always lurking in the shadows. That why I believe I am still struggling so much today, although I`m in a much better place I`m still hanging onto it, I didnt commit 100%, which is what is needed.
Honestly if it wasnt for your blog and others I dont think I would have made it as far as I have so far, you can certainly give me a reality check and I love to see how you have come along and all the lovely restaurants you eat in and it makes me happy to think that recovery is possible and that all those things are possible.
That soup looks great, I think Id maybe pass on the tripe part though! I like vermicelli noodles but overall I prefer the thicker types.
I like both thick and thin noodles – I know, the horror
lol the pictures are too funny. many many years ago, i was rejected by ucla, but got into usc…so i’m going to have to side with the trojans!
Love the post! Fight On!
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