As a writer, I should already know too well the power of words. Oh my word. Words: they blurt out so quickly from our mouths, they type out so nonchalantly from our fingers. Sometimes they have the miraculous power to heal and uplift a person, but at other times…every single of the same word can be like a silent dagger…killing someone softly.
Murderer.
Jesus Christ said that you don’t have to actually kill someone to be a murderer. The very emotion of hatred within you, or a simple word cursing or insulting someone…that is in itself a murder.
If so…I’ve got some crimson blood stains in my hands. Because the anger and hatred inside of me…and the words I’ve uttered…they have been killing many, many people softly…silently…painfully…
Murderer.
After a few days of not responding to calls, I finally got in a good conversation with my mom yesterday. The last time I’d spoken to her, I’d been screaming my head off, because guess what? She was the messenger to the news that upset me so much about a week ago. And I’d been mad— and bitter— that she would take my friend’s side. I hung up before she could explain more.
I didn’t realize it until yesterday, because I had been so immersed in my own thoughts and selfish emotions, that I had also deeply hurt my parents. Guilt and remorse stabbed me deep in the heart, and I felt even worse because I knew that no matter what I did or said, my parents still loved me, and cared enough for me to call. If it was anybody else, I doubt that they would have done the same, or forgiven me so readily.
Honestly, my words have gotten me into so much trouble ever since I was young. If it isn’t obvious already, I am unable to contain my thoughts and opinions and emotions. I need to say what I want to say, and I need to reveal every single dirty little secret about me. Some of you have commended me for being honest…well, honesty is a pain in the ass sometimes, especially if you don’t know how to control it, and especially if you’ve got a particularly volatile and uh, evil personality.
In a way, I’m so freaking glad I have not spoken to my friend yet, because who knows what I would have done or said to ruin our friendship forever? Words kill. And words can never, ever be taken back. Apologies help, but they can only do so much.
I think I need a permanent tape over my mouth. I also need a restraining device to keep my fingers from typing hurtful things, be it on my cell phone or through email, or g-chat. Anybody know where they sell these things?
Anyway. I was like a piping hot burning coal before, but now that I’m all cooled down…I’ve only now realized how childish, petulant, and ridiculous I was acting. If there’s anything I learned, it’s to never let your emotions speak before you. You’ll make a fool out of yourself, and you’ll burn someone innocent.
I’ve made a resolution to myself: When I’m upset, or angry, or hurt, I will always make God my first priority. I will turn to Him first, because He alone will truly and completely understand me, and He alone will be able to withstand my tantrums, and He alone will give me the wisdom and prudence that I need. Only after I’ve calmed down and listened to Him, will I open my mouth and speak to others.
In honor of the last time I ever become a spicy, hot pepper full of burning words, I present to you a hot and spicy dish. It’s very much like how I was before—hot and red with hatred and anger—but add in a few sweet ingredients in, and top with a runny egg in the middle…and it all balances out.
I know I’ll never become one of those gentle, placid, sweet souls…but with a touch of wisdom, guidance, and prudence from God, all that remains is a complex dish, but very well-rounded so that it doesn’t sting.
Gnocchi-bokki
(a variation of the traditional Korean tteokbokki) 
Get a pot of salted water to boil. Cook the gnocchi according to package directions. Meanwhile, mix together the gochujang, soy sauce, kabocha puree, honey, garlic, red pepper flakes, and enough broth to make a nice sauce. You can adjust the amount of broth to your own taste depending on how spicy you want it. Cook the sausages, radicchio, zucchini, and carrot in the spicy sauce. Bring the liquid up to a boil, the simmer until thickened. Stir in the cooked gnocchi, raisins, and nori. Dish up the gnocchi-bokki into 2 servings, and sprinkle with cheddar cheese. Top with a poached egg each, and you’re ready to dig in! Okay, that was random. I should apply the “Don’t say anything if you don’t have anything nice to say” rule to myself. Question of the day: Are you a MURDERER? Just kidding, tee hee hee! But seriously: do you need a human mouth-tape like I do? How do you keep yourself from speaking rashly and saying hurtful words?
As I was assembling this dish, I was muttering, “God, this looks like cat puke.” But Mimi was gushing, “It looks gorgeous!” Hm. I guess it all depends on how you look at it. Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder! But that’s for another moral story 
. 
But I have to say: this was freaking awesome. Great kick of spice, but harmonized with the gentle sweetness of the kabocha, honey, and raisins. 
And that yolk, oh that yolk! Oozing out and mixing with the red-hot sauce and nori, it totally mellowed the whole dish out with a perfect umami factor! Ooh la la~ 
This dish was definitely inspired by my favorite Korean dish, tteokbokki. The sauce is similar (except I added kabocha), the hard-boiled egg I replaced with a poached egg, and I also added the raisins, nori, and zucchini as bonus ingredients. 
The gnocchi wasn’t bad, but, eh. Commercial gnocchi just doesn’t measure up. 
And yeah, I lied. These are not sausages. They are HOT DOGS! Please don’t give me crap about them. I love these overly-processed, unnaturally-pink fat wieners! Mimi calls them…something else…something dirty, which I will not mention on this blog for the sake of my appetite. 
My plate: 
Mimi’s plate: 
BURP! 
Gosh, I hate my hair. Can’t wait till it grows out!
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Great “honesty” post, keeping God first is hard sometimes when the anger blinders are on, I have that all the time too!
Cute picture of you two!
Heehee, I love saying gnocchi-bbokki! Leave it up to Sophia to come up with something like that
I need to mix up the traditional ddukboki and add some cheese, eggs, and raisins! Sounds like a crazy but delicious combo.
Hmmm, I do want to stick duck tape to my mouth sometimes, but usually it’s because I said something stupid, although I do blurt out hurtful things from time to time. A while back I was mad at my mom and said something hurtful. I apologized the next day, and she forgave me quickly–I’m lucky that she doesn’t hold grudges!
I can’t lie either, and I completely understand how honesty can be a pain sometimes! I’ll have to use your method and turn to God first before anyone else!
deep post girl..i love how you are so REAL! thats the only way to be!
Heeyy! Love the recipe!!! Now, I am really hungry after reading ur post…
A tape for your mouth???:P I don’t know where to find one… I also need one for my mouth…
You and your yolks! I like seeing pictures of you
I definitely need a mouth tape sometimes.
Hehe I think I do the opposite of you… Even though I may be irritable and angry, I tend to bottle it up and mull in it privately, silently for awhile. On the one hand, this is good because I can generally control my tongue in reference to others when given enough time to “sit” with the feelings myself. On the other hand, it probably causes unnecessary misery for myself!
hhaha your hair is fine. fine.
i bottle up my feelings. (i could go more in depth into this but that’s reserved for like WAY later. )
hahhah running after you eat? i can’t do that (like a meal wise. i’d feel FUNKY FRESH!)
hahah i sleep when you eat?! well , when we do our dumpling outing, i better be awake for eating!
if i’m really upset i write out a letter to the person. then the next day, i ask myself if i really want to give them the letter.
i never do.
but getting out just why i’m frustrated and upset and feeling like i could tell them helps for me..
So ironic. Just tonight I apparently said some hurtful words to Nick, and he repeated to me, once again, “Gina, you need to think before you talk”. Yeah, it’s true, I am a murderer. I never think before I speak, and it comes back to hurt me quite often. I’ve been like this my whole life, I just say the first thing that comes to my head. It’s a habit I would like to break.
For now I try to breath and take a serious look at my situations as much as possible, when I can.
<3 hotdogs
i am a murderer. of plants. i can’t keep anything alive!!!
As much as I want to bust out full of emotion sometimes, I have to step back and take a look at the bigger picture. I’ve gotten myself in to trouble many times when my emotions get the best of me. I’m still learning, but it’s a good lesson to learn.
Another beautiful, colorful dish! I’m very glad you’re working out the situation w/ your friend and have taken the time to let the situation stew. You’re right – you definitely needed to distance yourself so you don’t hurt more (yourself or her).
I think I need a real life mouth tape, although I’ve gotten a lot better w/ more maturity. I always admire graceful soft spoken ppl that just seem to have this natural calm and sweetness about them. But it only lasts 5 minutes and then I forget and I speak b4 I think! I’m usually very good online b/c honestly it’s a huge pet peeve of mine for ppl to behave diff. online and hide behind anonymity. I try to live by the rule that if I wouldn’t say it in real life to somebody’s face, then I won’t type it and hit enter like a coward.
Oh!! Trust me!
I am atr of those foul mouth murderers!!
My BF is my current restraining device now! LOL.
I alws speak out what’s on my mind and I jsut cant sugar-coat my words!
Esp if I feel strongly abt something! And I felt strongly abt everything! LOL.
So, yea..over the yrs, after burning some friendships and all the apologies that I hv to make after, I learnt to refrain to speak if I cant sgar-coat my words.
Its gets tiring sometimes really, cos I felt like telling ppl in their face wht I think of them and their actions/etc..
But hey, as muhc as I tried, words still come out of my mouth be4 I cant even think of refraining sometimes!
So yeah.. I leave a much shorter trail of damage behind me nowadays but i still do!
At least I’m more aware of it and after I cooled dwn, i realized how thankful i am for not uttering those words i nthe 1st plc!
Then i gave myself a pat o nthe back ;p
and promptly get myself atr burger/slice of yummy bread! LOL!!!!
Yup, I need some mouth-tape once in a while… I think most of us probably do… You are so right, words can never be taken back…
Love, love, love your gnocchi-bokki!!!!
There’s never any duct tape when I need it the most. -_-; It’s so hard to keep from blurting things out sometimes! It’s just so spontaneous at times and I want to slap myself afterwards… eiya.
Uh, I dunno what kind of cat puke you’re looking at… because that dish is just colorful and preeetty.
And it has all your signature ingredients! Kabocha, cheese, and eggs make everything tasty and beautiful.
Girl, I love the way you reflect and realise important things…You’re right about killing with words. But PLEASE also realise that there is such a good side about this honesty of you. People know what you mean, what you feel, what bothers you, that you always give an honest answer and that you’re willing to share…even the less positive things everyone has: because we’re human. Just never forget you’re such a sweet, caring and wonderful girl at the same time!
xxx Julia (Taste of Living)
Honesty is definitely a good quality when dished out in modest portions. I definitely like to tell it like it is, but I try (and would like to think) that I fnd a nice way to do so. In general, I’d rather know how someone feels than wonder all the time. Of course, this is all with limits, as I also don’t like confrontation.
Thy is he wonderful thing about parents–they will always be there for you. Good luck with the sticky situation you’re in! Glad to see it has it affected your cooking creativity! And thanks for the kind words on my post!
very very interesting post! seriously because having these words come from a former Ed person are very wise. only now do i realize all the selfishness we actually carry with an Ed and how hurtful we were to other but don’t even realize. sophia you always bring out the best here
i agree with neela 100%. you always post about something interesting and thought provoking and i am so thankful!
i think the gnocchi dish looks delicious – not like cat puke at all!
that pic of you is so cute!
Hi! Check this out:
http://sweettoothed.wordpress.com/2009/11/20/do-you-like-pumpkin-pie/
I am also unable to contain my words, thoughts, and emotions. I hold nothing back. It’s bad.
I’ve actually gotten a little more passive with age. I use to have no trouble lashing out but now I’m finding that keeping it in is sometimes better.
Sophia, you and I are sooooo similar in our cooking styles! I love that someone is as crazy and unique as I am with the “bowl” creations.
Love you girl!
so interesting to be able to interact with people of different nationality!
Haha on the hotdogs. I still love ‘em too! Especially after eating soy dogs for so many years (BIG ick!! Do not try those!!!)
I’m the exact opposite, I’m not honest enough!! I haven’t gone into it on my blog, but this has been a very emotional week for me as I’ve finally been honest with people in my life after letting things build up for a while. It was tough, but glad I did it, as things are much better now. Why can’t we just be somewhere in the middle?
A picture of you!
I love your Korean gnocchi. It sounds great.
We all get angry and say and do things we regret. It’s unfortunate that we do these things. But it’s human nature. I wouldn’t be too hard on yourself.
For the billionth time, I am vastly impressed, moved, inspired, and amazed by your amazing wisdom. Perhaps it was a struggle to get there, but once you figured it out, its amazing. And food, of course.
I love all your dishes because they are so colorful. You also take great pics. As for my mouth, I talk a lot but I don;t usually ever say hurtful things unless I am really pushed to the edge for some reason. If that is the way you are, no need to stop all together, maybe just take it one comment at a time and censor when and if possible. This quality makes you who you are and maybe in some situations can get you in trouble, I am sure a good part of the time people are also thankful for your honesty and first thoughts (as it you talk right away without rethinking how to word it).
I agree with Mimi! Beautiful looking dish!
Sometimes I feel I lack that filter! Words just fly out of my mouth without thought sometimes… need to get better on that
I prefer to think of it as self-editing, but yeah, I need a filter quite often. Surprised?
However, you already did the smartest thing by waiting until the emotion died (never hit “send” the same day…) Things look different seen through eyes full of pain instead of possibility.
And I love your runny eggs. Now I want one. Again.
P.S. If you want a wiener, have a wiener (insert TWSS inappropriate joke here, please.)
i have the exact same problem, my honesty tends to know no boundaries and gets me into a lot of trouble. i’m not the girl who is always saying nice things, i working on reigning it in as well.
your insight amazes and inspires me
beautiful post
oh, I think everyone needs duct tape at some point
It’s so easy to just things come out and not think about the ramifications of our words – but we’re human! It happens.
and I think that dish is gorgeous, too
Lashing out isn’t really a problem for me… not because I’m such a sedate person, but because I’m not the type to express things easily. So I might WANT to kill someone, but I’d probably just stew about it inwardly. Which has its drawbacks.
Dare I say it… it’s all about BALANCE. :p
<3 <3
i will certainly say whats on my mind no matter what and it has gotten me in trouble more than once in the past. I love the honestly in this post
it made me all warm inside.
i have learned to put a filter on what I say so as not to offend, hurt or damage others feelings or thoughts.
the food looks amazing per usuallll
I need to watch what I say all the time, especially because I am a really negative person.
That said, I love dduk bokki! I always make too much though and can’t eat it all.
I’m loving all the purple in your dishes lately. I agree with Mimi, it’s another gorgeous meal!
As for speaking too much, I’m the opposite. I keep everything to myself usually – but that’s probably not always a good thing!
hahah well you sound just like my brother…requiring a human mouth tape. I’m his polar opposite and I keep my trap shut unless I have something constructive to say.
It works to get people to listen to you. I will say, I’ve been yelled at in public before and its humiliating. I don’t really do it to anyone unless it’s something SERIOUSLY annoying. I mean, most of the time, I just can’t stand the sweaty stinky man with BO on the ellipitcal beside me who’se huffing louder than the music on my ipod. hahaha not terrible, but definitely annoying.
dude, i totally got bangs a week ago and tho i liked it at first, i hate ‘em now. gahhhh So, what exactly do you not like about your hair???? Hope you have a fantastic weekend Sophia!!
Ayer my sis and I got into a tiff and you could just see the venom coming out of our mouths. I know it was bad when my niece wrote me a letter, telling me how much she loves and that I am good mommy to Koko but she concluded the letter with “Please dont fight with my mom”
I too am a hot head…I often blur out mean things without thinking. Love that meal!
Maggie
i love that you’re posting pics of yourself now, you’re so cute!
don’t be so hard on yourself. there isn’t a person on the planet that hasn’t spoken or acted out of anger. the beauty is that you’re one of the few that recognizes and takes responsibility for your actions, a lot of people never get to that place. i am glad that you’re feeling so much better. i hate feeling angry because of what it does to me, i can’t relax!
tasty looking dish!
aawww..its ok! I mean honestly I think we’ve all been there and said things that we dont mean. And they were just said out of anger. Its just a reaction. But its what you do after that counts. Sometimes its hard but you just have to forgive. Life is too short to be spent being angry, ya know? You’ll be ok girl! Chin up and keep smilin. Today will be a lovely day!
I agree with Mimi, that DOES look gorgeously tasty!
And I’m so sorry to hear that things have been rough for you. Words are so powerful- we have to be careful how we use them! Hoping that things start looking up and big hugs for you
i think i can def be a murderer! i sometimes just let things slip, but keep your head hung hihg and things will get better. xoxoxo have a great weekend
shelley
http://findinghappinessandhealth.wordpress.com
I agree, words are so powerful…you know that little rhyme kids say…”sicks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me!” So untrue.
Lol, Sophia you crack me up! Cat puke, huh?!
I think it looks delish, super healthy, and I love the sweet/spicy combo! Oh and runny yolk makes everything better. 
Although I’m not anywhere remotely close to achieving perfection, I have learned the hard way over the years to control my tongue (most of the time).
I never would have thought to put an egg on this but I have to say it does look good. I like to give it a taste.
I love the name Gnocchi-bokki! Such a colorful and yummy dish! I do tend to say things I don’t really mean at times, especially with mom.
OK, you’re adorable, number one. Let’s just get that out there, so no more hatin’ on your hair! I don’t allow that.
To answer your question, though, I guess I’m too afraid to hurt people’s feeling, so I often keep negative thoughts inside. I rarely lash out at people. Most times I figure my initial negativity isn’t going to help anything. I need to sit with it, reflect, eventually realize I’m being a turd and move on. The one time I lashed out this year (at my bestie in the whole world), I felt horrible and apologized as soon as we spoke next. We were back to normal in no time.
In the end, being honest really helps more than hurts in most scenarios. Thanks for the awesome post to ponder!
Hey girl! I’m sorry you have been struggling lately with this same friend-back-stabbing you problem! I’m glad you have cooled down though and are able to possibly look at the situation differently. Not that you were wrong for being mad or anything!
I think we can all use some tape at one time or another. I am really good at keeping my mouth shut most of the time, unless I’m talking with my boyfriend because I know I can trust him not to tell everyone. I think it really depends on whom I am with!!
<3 jess
xoxo
Sophia, I love your honesty. Please don’t ever change. I think it’s better to get your feelings out rather than keep them bottled up. I hope you are feeling better. I hate knowing that you are upset.
BTW, your dish does NOT look like cat puke. It’s beautiful! Just like you! And thank you for putting a pic of yourself on your blog. Your hair is fine
And I can be a murderer, too! Instead of saying things or writing things, I just have the tendency to have hateful/hurtful thoughts when I’m mad at someone or the situation. It’s not good and I need to work on this. Thank you for bringing this to my attention.
Have a great weekend, Sophia!
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