As a writer, I should already know too well the power of words. Oh my word. Words: they blurt out so quickly from our mouths, they type out so nonchalantly from our fingers. Sometimes they have the miraculous power to heal and uplift a person, but at other times…every single of the same word can be like a silent dagger…killing someone softly.
Murderer.
Jesus Christ said that you don’t have to actually kill someone to be a murderer. The very emotion of hatred within you, or a simple word cursing or insulting someone…that is in itself a murder.
If so…I’ve got some crimson blood stains in my hands. Because the anger and hatred inside of me…and the words I’ve uttered…they have been killing many, many people softly…silently…painfully…
Murderer.
After a few days of not responding to calls, I finally got in a good conversation with my mom yesterday. The last time I’d spoken to her, I’d been screaming my head off, because guess what? She was the messenger to the news that upset me so much about a week ago. And I’d been mad— and bitter— that she would take my friend’s side. I hung up before she could explain more.
I didn’t realize it until yesterday, because I had been so immersed in my own thoughts and selfish emotions, that I had also deeply hurt my parents. Guilt and remorse stabbed me deep in the heart, and I felt even worse because I knew that no matter what I did or said, my parents still loved me, and cared enough for me to call. If it was anybody else, I doubt that they would have done the same, or forgiven me so readily.
Honestly, my words have gotten me into so much trouble ever since I was young. If it isn’t obvious already, I am unable to contain my thoughts and opinions and emotions. I need to say what I want to say, and I need to reveal every single dirty little secret about me. Some of you have commended me for being honest…well, honesty is a pain in the ass sometimes, especially if you don’t know how to control it, and especially if you’ve got a particularly volatile and uh, evil personality.
In a way, I’m so freaking glad I have not spoken to my friend yet, because who knows what I would have done or said to ruin our friendship forever? Words kill. And words can never, ever be taken back. Apologies help, but they can only do so much.
I think I need a permanent tape over my mouth. I also need a restraining device to keep my fingers from typing hurtful things, be it on my cell phone or through email, or g-chat. Anybody know where they sell these things?
Anyway. I was like a piping hot burning coal before, but now that I’m all cooled down…I’ve only now realized how childish, petulant, and ridiculous I was acting. If there’s anything I learned, it’s to never let your emotions speak before you. You’ll make a fool out of yourself, and you’ll burn someone innocent.
I’ve made a resolution to myself: When I’m upset, or angry, or hurt, I will always make God my first priority. I will turn to Him first, because He alone will truly and completely understand me, and He alone will be able to withstand my tantrums, and He alone will give me the wisdom and prudence that I need. Only after I’ve calmed down and listened to Him, will I open my mouth and speak to others.
In honor of the last time I ever become a spicy, hot pepper full of burning words, I present to you a hot and spicy dish. It’s very much like how I was before—hot and red with hatred and anger—but add in a few sweet ingredients in, and top with a runny egg in the middle…and it all balances out.
I know I’ll never become one of those gentle, placid, sweet souls…but with a touch of wisdom, guidance, and prudence from God, all that remains is a complex dish, but very well-rounded so that it doesn’t sting.
Gnocchi-bokki
(a variation of the traditional Korean tteokbokki) 
Get a pot of salted water to boil. Cook the gnocchi according to package directions. Meanwhile, mix together the gochujang, soy sauce, kabocha puree, honey, garlic, red pepper flakes, and enough broth to make a nice sauce. You can adjust the amount of broth to your own taste depending on how spicy you want it. Cook the sausages, radicchio, zucchini, and carrot in the spicy sauce. Bring the liquid up to a boil, the simmer until thickened. Stir in the cooked gnocchi, raisins, and nori. Dish up the gnocchi-bokki into 2 servings, and sprinkle with cheddar cheese. Top with a poached egg each, and you’re ready to dig in! Okay, that was random. I should apply the “Don’t say anything if you don’t have anything nice to say” rule to myself. Question of the day: Are you a MURDERER? Just kidding, tee hee hee! But seriously: do you need a human mouth-tape like I do? How do you keep yourself from speaking rashly and saying hurtful words?
As I was assembling this dish, I was muttering, “God, this looks like cat puke.” But Mimi was gushing, “It looks gorgeous!” Hm. I guess it all depends on how you look at it. Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder! But that’s for another moral story 
. 
But I have to say: this was freaking awesome. Great kick of spice, but harmonized with the gentle sweetness of the kabocha, honey, and raisins. 
And that yolk, oh that yolk! Oozing out and mixing with the red-hot sauce and nori, it totally mellowed the whole dish out with a perfect umami factor! Ooh la la~ 
This dish was definitely inspired by my favorite Korean dish, tteokbokki. The sauce is similar (except I added kabocha), the hard-boiled egg I replaced with a poached egg, and I also added the raisins, nori, and zucchini as bonus ingredients. 
The gnocchi wasn’t bad, but, eh. Commercial gnocchi just doesn’t measure up. 
And yeah, I lied. These are not sausages. They are HOT DOGS! Please don’t give me crap about them. I love these overly-processed, unnaturally-pink fat wieners! Mimi calls them…something else…something dirty, which I will not mention on this blog for the sake of my appetite. 
My plate: 
Mimi’s plate: 
BURP! 
Gosh, I hate my hair. Can’t wait till it grows out!
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I think it’s all about balance – sometimes things need to be said and sometime it’s better to hold your tongue. I hope you work through everything soon and feel better!
And, what yummy eats and a super cute picture you two!
i LOVE seeing pictures of you! it makes me happy. although you aren’t quite ready to talk to your friend, i really think you will feel so much better when everything is sorted out. i wish i could put tape over my mouth ALL THE TIME. ive kind of accepted the fact i will say dumb sometimes offensive things.
love you girl!
haha oh yes I do! But I’m now doing the thing where you count to 3 or in my case 300 and try to calm down before saying anything. It works some of the time
Hey Sophia, I too struggle with my tongue. Sometimes, I hurt people with the things I say, intentionally or otherwise. But I pray that the Holy Spirit may work in our hearts, day by day, so that our words may build others up instead of tearing them down. Keep abiding in Him and He will lead the way, dear sister in Christ! =)
Cat puke..HAAA. I have a 48 hour rule. When someone hurts me, I pull back for 48 hours before responding. One time during the 48 hours I realized I was no longer invested in the relationship, and pulled out. Most times I have organized my thoughts and gotten my emotions undercontroll so I can respond in a way that is meaningful. Im so happy you have the love and support of mom and dad, even though you disagree at times. xox
I love your honesty, it’s fabulous..
Applegate Farms makes some all natural hot dogs that are suppppper yummy
Letting out the emotions can be a good thing, but hurting people really can be the result of that. It might be helpful to pour all of the thoughts down onto a piece of paper (with every horrible word) and then burn it. That way you are able to get the release of speaking your mind in its raw state. Then focus on how to deal with the actual conversation to people.
I tend to be a “nicey nice” person and don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. But if they bring the punches, you better believe I won’t be letting anyone walk all over me!
P.S. YES you can spiralize carrots with the spiralizer and I plan on doing that today, actually! You’ve gotta buy yourself one, they are amazing!
Sometimes in the depths of anger it is really hard to control our emotions. But that doesn’t make you evil! In fact, I believe it makes you normal. What’s more important is that you can realize what you are doing and feeling and think about your response. Reflection is key.
I love this gnocchi dish! I know that store-bought gnocchi are not ideal but they can be so much easier than making your own! Storebought butternut squash and/or sweet potato gnocchi are also really good. I love your combination of ingredients, as usual!
Over the years I have learned the art of forgiveness and the ability to walk away from a unpleasant situation until I am ready to calmly and rationally deal with it! However, being passive and always in agreement is a very boring way to lead your life. Have a voice, just in a rational and well thought out way
That way you won’t regret what you say later!!! Can you tell I have had way to much experience with this?
Your gnocchi dish looks delicious!
I used to need more than mouth tape to shut my mouth from spewing razor blade cutting words when I got angry but thankfully, I’ve managed to be more in control of the content that comes out nowadays. I used to get very caught up in my immediate emotions that the childish, brash kid in me would come out and when I’ve cooled down, I’d reflect and feel so stupid and foolish. That said, it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t happen now at all. It does but on a less frequent basis and with less heart-stabbing words. I think. Lol.
I’m glad you’re feeling better. God is always here for us and waiting to help us if we just lean on Him.
Love you babe!!
xx
yolk yolk yolk yolk yolk!!!
and a poached one at that. yum yum yum.
Anger can do a lot to cloud people’s judgment. Don’t beat yourself up over it; it happens to the best of us. Good for you for always turning to God!
words are soo powerful! they can hurt ye so deeply! have to learn how to control ye tongue all the time especially ven anger hits you! ye gonna do fine! loving the runny egg yolk! yummm
I love reading your posts. It’s hard to bite your tongue when you’re angry and hurt, what I do is I walk…I go out take a brisk walk to clear my head. If I cant walk, I write all my anger on paper then burn it
aah, i’ve gone through quite interesting phases… and my parents (god bless them) haven’t loved me any less. words are very strong, to those who take heart. the takeaway though, learning from our mistakes!
I think I’m the opposite way. I usually don’t think of a great come back until waayyyy after the fact. It takes me a long time to formulate my feelings on a topic. Sometimes I don’t speak words of encouragement because I’m too shy. I think I suffer from a “not speaking when I should” mentality.
My problem is bottling things up, then sneaking off and plotting my vengeance. Planning exact words for their effect, in voice or on paper.
Until something hits me just right and I turn into a raging ball of hobo-hating fire.
I guess I can easily keep my mouth shut because I hate sounding stupid. Chances are if I’m distressed I’m going to say something stupid. So I just don’t say anything.
I think I’ve gotten pretty good at not speaking when mad (unless it’s really really late at night, and then I can make a complete jerk out of myself).
When it’s NOT 2:00am, if I want to open my mouth when angry I remember a great quote:
“Speak when angry and you’ll make the best speech you’ll ever regret”
I think we’re all guilty of doing the same thing you did. It’s human nature. I think it’s nice to have a blog or a journal though because it affords you the ability to reflect.
The tongue is powerful isn’t it? Wicked too. We just studied James 3 in church today. Taming the tongue should be a goal for us all, but tape would be easier.
Wow, how neat seeing a picture of you ^_^ You look so pretty! It’s so cute, your face looks like it’s thinking ‘What the hell is that camera doing here?’ lol.
I definatly feel ya with the tape over the mouth thing. Some of my posts are very in line with the murderer thing, especially as of late. :p But then again, I am also a believer in a good healthy rant and getting things off of your chest. Most likely the reason why I make so many jokes and try and inject humor into things. That way you tell the other party how you feel, but they’re laughing with you and no one gets hurt.
I find that the things that are not as pretty on camera, or even just on my stove…are generally the best tasting dishes…
You still make me laugh…and say what you will!
Turn the tables.
Put yourself on the other side.
What would you say if these words were directed to you in a similiar situation.
It may not always help when you are in a real bad mood, but often it will make you pause, reread and rewrite.
But it is how it is, people are in a corner of their heart assholes to someone else.
Something you say, no matter how good thought out may lead to a melt down..sometimes the best intentions turn sour because you can not know everything and anything about a person when you write or talk.
No one knows a person completly, not even you know yourself completly…thre will alwys be something new, something forgotten…something that may give you and others problems.
And that is when you just have to accept it, to take your best intentions and go on and make it better next time.
And if it happens to yourself and you feel hurt and offendend and puzzled..turn the table..what was meant, can you learn something out of it?
People kill many ways..with words, with their habits…buying cheap clothes which were done by slave workers, eating factory farmed meat which kills small scale farm with better tasting animals..because people are just cheapskates today. Driving to fast and killing a beloved pet from someone else and killing the owner emotionally.
You could worry yourself crazy with all that stuff, but you can just try to do your best and ask yourself…can I do that and that and still be comfortable with myself?
Or will I hate myself after days or weeks when I have said and done something..or can I make it better next time?
When you stumble into a dumb situation you learn to avoid other bad situations..if you burned yourself once on a lighter, you will be carefuller next time.
I usually read your posts/displayed comments before commenting myself but after
reading this entries title, I had to write this down before I forget. I used to know all
too well the power and pain of words (experienced it from my stepmother constantly)
I even wrote a poem in high school (that got featured in our literary magazine!) but s
sadly I can’t remember the title, but it was about my stepmother.
I do remember my alias/pen name though. It was “NightAngel”.
*rolls her eyes at the thought of the name/all her teenage angst now* LOL
/begin rant
It’s funny now, but sure as hell wasn’t funny then.
That bitch made me suffer SO much.
/end rant ^_^
“Demon to some, Angel to others” meaning be hateful to those who deserve your hate.
Hate them wholly and completely with your whole heart. (damn that is redundant huh?)
but also do the same with love… Love those who deserve your love, Give your love to
them wholly and completely as well. You CANNOT have hate without love and love
without hate. (I KNOW I said I wouldn’t inject my life philosophy into any of your posts,
but I deem it especially important here) On a foodie note, that dish looks yummy!
I really like gnocchi (yay for having Italian future in-laws)
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