This is What “Confused” Tastes Like

November 15, 2009

A million thanks to all of your sweet and comforting comments! I can’t express how much they meant to me.

This post is going to be one of the hardest I’ve ever written, simply for the reason that I am still very, very confused and have yet to reach a definite resolution. A lot of complicated emotions are swimming in turmoil within me, and I have a feeling that they may not so much have to do with the situation between my friend and me, but more so from my own insecurities and hidden wounds.

Honestly, I thought I would be over it by now. I took a break from everything yesterday, just spending time by myself, declining even a movie invitation by Mimi. But all I’ve gotten out of it is intense loneliness, and the ache of a lost friend.

Right now I’m at a point where I don’t even want to think about it, yet a lot of negative thoughts are stinging me like a bee in my pants. My tear ducts seem to have a been screwed loose because tears keep flowing whether I like it or not. And I just want to shake myself and scream, “Seriously, Sophia, get a freaking grip of yourself, you Drama Queen!”

I haven’t felt such a surge of emotions in a long time…emotions that have nothing to do with my eating disorder. I guess I should welcome the change, but…I don’t know how to deal with them. I haven’t dealt with such real emotions for a very long time, because…well, for 4-5 years now, all I’ve ever cared about was me, myself, and my ED.

How do you deal with emotions? Especially such negative emotions such as anger, hatred, bitterness, jealousy, depression, and loneliness?

A long time ago (or seems like it), I simply blocked them out. I would go out and walk for hours, I would turn all the negative feelings into feelings of fatness, I would restrict and just do whatever it took to harm myself. Starving gave me a strange high equivalent to that of drugs, and I would become almost delirious in hunger and weakness. But now…I can’t do that anymore.

I need to face my emotions, but I feel like a coward. I want to hide, I want to brush them away, I want to suppress them and forget about them.

But once again…I can’t. I think I’ve forced them down to the point that everything is flying back at me like a released spring. And going back to my eating disordered ways is no longer an option. So there’s no more option left…but to deal with my issues…the normal, healthy way.

But again…how? That is the question.

Anyway. Somehow my confusion seems to have transferred to my cooking as well, because I came up with a strange concoction…basically a mix of random things. But hey, it actually tasted pretty good. So here it is:

Confused Quesadilla with Eggs, Two Ways

2 corn tortillas

1 clove garlic, minced

handful white mushrooms, diced

handful mung-bean sprouts

handful kidney beans

2 spoonfuls salsa (I used Habanero-Lime)

2 eggs, beaten

handful mozzarella cheese

1/4 cup cottage cheese

1/4 cup refried beans

1 egg

handful Parmesan cheese

First, cook the garlic in a fry pan for a few seconds. Then add in the mushrooms and stir-fry for about a minute. Add in the sprouts, kidney beans, and salsa. Cook for about 1 minute. Add in the beaten eggs, and let it cook (no stirring) until the eggs are set.

Meanwhile, microwave the tortillas between a wet towel for 30 seconds. Take one of the tortillas, and place the egg-frittata on it with the mozzarella cheese sprinkled on top:
Then place the second tortilla on top:
Grill it on Mr. George Foreman (What? By now you should already know I grill anything I can get my hands on…).
At the same time, fry the third egg. Mix the cottage cheese with the refried beans. When the quesadilla is done and the tortillas are nice and crispy, top it with the cottage cheese-refried beans mixture, and then top with the fried egg and Parmesan cheese. And you’re done!
Tell me: Are you confused already? What kind of dish is this? Asian sprouts? Cooked in salsa? Sandwiched between corn tortillas? Grilled? Topped with fried egg? And what is with that random cottage cheese stuff?
Aiyah, I don’t care what it is— it was damn freaking good. Now you see why I can’t go back to my eating disordered ways anymore…I’ve discovered the pleasures of food.
For your information, this was a messy dish to eat. But I did not use any fork. Forks are for pretentious people. Nope, I just split it in half and ate it like a sandwich.
Some of the yolk got on my finge
rs, but I just licked it right off. That’s the way to eat a runny yolk! >.<
The salsa I used was from the birthday package sent by Christina:
Love it. Spicy, yet sort of sour, and full of flavor!