I was going to share my story about the missed flight, but that will have to wait till next time. I actually wasn’t even going to blog tonight, because I’m feeling really vile and crappy right now. But somehow…I think writing will make me feel better, because screaming and crying sure didn’t.
So…just a head’s up: this post isn’t going to be delicious in the least.
I received some extremely upsetting news this afternoon. I found out that a really close friend of mine have been lying bare-faced to me all along. I’ve suspected the truth some time ago, but each time I asked, she denied it outright. I was skeptical at first, but I’d asked several times, and she kept insisting that she was telling the truth, so I trusted her. And now, the truth is out.
I know she didn’t have any bad or harmful intentions, and I know she didn’t mean to hurt me at all—but all the same, I feel…torn. I feel…angry. I feel rejected, I feel indignant, I feel betrayed.
Yes, it all starts with an “I”. I hate the fact that I’m hailing myself as the self-glorified victim of this whole thing, I hate the fact that I can’t stop the surge of negative emotions that are pulsing through my veins right now. Oh, God, I just…hate, hate, hate it all!
In just about three weeks I’m supposed to go back home for winter break, and then I’ll have to face her. I don’t know what to do. I can’t go back. I can’t put on a fake smiley face and pretend it’s all right. And I know myself—I’ll burst and there’ll be a wild explosion of fury and hurtful words. And then I’ll hate myself, and I’ll hate her for making me hate myself, and it’ll be…a big, hideous mess of vicious hatred.
I have not even told her that I’ve found out the truth. Many a times I’ve picked up my cell phone to send her an angry text message, only to put it down. There are so many things I know I want to say, except right now I only seem to be able to articulate, “You f**king liar!”
I understand I need to listen to her side of the story. But right now, I’m a mess, and I can’t talk to anyone without injecting poison. So, I’ve decided to be silent. I will wait till I calm down before I act or say anything. Lord willing, I will be able to calm down soon.
So here’s my plea to Time: please heal and erase all these filthy thoughts and emotions within me. Hate and anger are leeching every drop of joy and peace from me, and I can feel their poison in my blood, turning me into a hateful being from inside-out. I can’t concentrate, and I can’t see reason beyond my own self-absorbed emotions.
Dear God…please, help me. Help me breathe. Help me see. Help me understand. Help me forgive. Help me love. Help me…be at peace again.
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In friendship there is no questioning answering or feeling bad. Treat your friends as yourself and forgive them as if you made a crime and you left yourself justified and happy.
Thats friendship and friends.
I am sorry
So sorry to hear about your friend
I too had a similar bitter exp few year back, its best to forget it as getting angry would harm you
i understand what you are going through & i know it sucks. hang in there, i wish i could offer some advice but i end up nasty and have yet to find a way to prevent. sleep, try not to think about it. sorry dear :/
So sorry Sophia. Sadly, you’ll find people like that throughout your whole life, and then you realize you weren’t friends after all!
Hugs!
(((hugs))) It’s so hard when people we love and trust betray us. Just remember that no one is perfect, and that most people don’t do things to hurt people intentionally. The hurt happens because of their reasons for doing whatever they do.
I hope your weekend is full of time and rest and that you’re able to find some peace about this before having to go home.
So sorry to hear about the betrayal Sophia! It’s awful when a person that you trusted betrays you. It’s a singular feeling, like you want to rip out your heart because they were once part of it.
honestly is such an important quality in someone and I am so sorry your best friend lied to you. It hurts me to hear you so upset and even frustrates me that she made you feel like this. It totally unexcusable when someone does something like this and I hope you can stay strong and realize that you are stronger than her.
xo
Sophia!
Ugh so sorry to hear this happening to you I know how you feel its so hard to not say anything! Besides healing yourself, I would strongly suggest you just talk to her about it before going back. Once its out in the open, the pain might go away faster and you don’t have to agonise on how to confront or face her when you get there.
I really hope it all works out and you know what IT IS OK TO FEEL WHAT YOU FEEL! Its human nature.
Wow, I feel you’re pain, you are not alone, not that its comforting, but you are doing the right thing by not responding right away and expressing your frustrations instead of keeping them bottled up.
Oh no dear … this is NOT a good situation. I really feel for you. I hope that you can calm your anger, and tell her that you know she lied, and that you don’t consider her a friend anymore. If she is that bad of a friend, she is not worth the energy of getting angry.
I know the dissapointment you must be going through right now in regards to your friend — it’s difficult coping with distrust and feeling as though you were betrayed, but as you said — time heals all wounds. It will get easier to handle as the days progress! Hang in there love and if you ever need to chat please know I’m always here for you!
*hugs*
big hugs. unfortunately there are always going to be people that just aren’t truthful. hopefully hearing her side will make you feel better, and if not, then maybe it’s a good sign to walk away. i hope it all works well for you!
{Hugs} I know this is so hurtful and hard. I’ve had things happen to me like that and it took a long time for me to forgive. But when I finally did it brought me peace.
Take care,
Diane
Sophia, I know EXACTLY what you feel because I was there only a few months ago. The saddest thing was that I actually lived with this person who lied to me and betrayed me. We were friends for 5 years and we have a TON of common friends. In short, we ultimately came to a nasty confrontation (and I am definitely NOT the confrontational type, but she took it too far) and although I was as polite and matter of fact as I could, she turned herself into the victim. Moral of the story is, there will ALWAYS be people just like that. Don’t accuse, but definitely be firm and matter-of-fact. Remember NOT to bring feelings in yet, because the last thing you want is personal attacks flying everywhere. You definitely need to talk this out with that friend, you’ll have strength to do it. I know it. No matter what the outcome is, realize that you don’t need someone like that as a friend or person in your life – ever. There will always be people who bring you down, and unfortunately she may be one of them.
My ex-roommate and I are no longer talking, and I terminated our 2 year lease to move out only 1 year after living with her. A lot of our friends are in awkward situations, and it was the most difficult thing ever finding a new place to live in a matter of 3 weeks, then finding someone to replace me. But it’s done, and it’s over. If I can do it, you can too. You have the strength Sophia. Have faith. I have faith in you.
I’m sorry your friend lied to you… though for what it’s worth, I think you’re being wise in giving yourself time to calm down a bit before facing her. Whatever it is, I hope that goes well.
<3 <3
its very therapeutic to write and figure it all out keep your head up girl
I will be praying for you, Sophia. May God bring reconciliation and forgiveness in His perfect timing. Hugz…
I can totally understand the feeling being betrayed. Blog is really a good outlet to express your feeling. Hope your week gets better.
I am so sorry about the betrayal. Finding out a close friend has lied is never pleasant.
I am sending you strength and hugs
<3Karina
When someone burns me Im pissed. It takes me a while to cool off. In the past Ive reacted impulsively, always a mistake. Now I wait a little while, its always better. Just the fact that you can express and feel your rage reflects your wellness. So often with EDs one is disconnected from most emotion. You are the best, when the truth comes out, be at peace with it, even if the friendship suffers. xox
I’m sorry your going through this. You have incredible strength for being able to keep silent when you are seething with anger. I think you are doing the best thing for the moment. *HUGS*
I still want to hear about the missed flight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh dear… I missed this post!
And only read of it now..Poor babe. Betrayal alws hurts. But yes, hear her side of the story 1st.
Ppl makes all sorts of mistakes for the wrongest reasons…
Sophia,
you are just as sensitive and emotional as I am, but that still does not give people the right to hurt us! I have learned that investing in God is the only way for me because people will sometimes disappoint and one can never please them. Don’t get me wrong I am very much a people person but only up to a certain extent. Time and time again, I chose to ignore and move on and “they” would always come back and apologize!
Anyway those quesadillas look so darn delicious, I bet you forgot about your troubles while eating them!
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