I’m not in a really chipper mood right now. I should be, especially since today was supposed to be our last family outing…but what should have been a fun and pleasant time together turned out rather awful, and it has left something sour and distasteful inside of me like the lingering residue of expired milk.
Our plan was to go out to eat, and take a walk by Accotink Park. I was really excited, because just exactly one week from today I would be leaving for college, and it would be a long time until the four of us were together as one family again.
My parents wanted Italian, so we first set out for Panache Restaurant, but it was closed due to a power outage. So we went to a nearby restaurant in Tysons Mall called Brio’s Tuscan Grille. 
I asked for someplace with good lighting and we ended up being squeezed into a 2-persons table at the terrace. All for the sake of good pictures! My poor parents were befuddled as to why we were seated in such a teensy-weensy space, but I decided to keep quiet. Hee. xp
The waiter served us warm flatbread and Italian bread: 
The flatbread was awesome! Crunchy like a cracker, and seasoned with all sorts of lovely spices and seeds. Yummy!
It took us awhile especially since my parents couldn’t really understand the menu, but I figured out what they wanted (seafood and spaghetti) and ordered for them.
My mother ordered the lunch special, Shrimp Scampi with Angel Hair: 
Gulf shrimp with garlic, cherry tomatoes, white wine and toasted pine nut crumbs
My dad ordered the Pasta Fra Diavolo: 
Spaghetti and shrimp tossed with a spicy tomato cream sauce and green onions 
Good, but not the best I’ve tasted. The sauce could have been tangier and less creamy.
My brother ordered the Shrimp & Scallop Risotto, except he substituted the Arborio rice for spaghetti: 
Gulf shrimp and petite bay scallops with grilled leeks, roasted garlic, tender eggplant, basil and a zesty tomato parmesan cream sauce. 
Again, it was okay, but rather bland. Probably because he substituted spaghetti for the rice. Who does that?
I considered the gnocchi, but then ordered the Fire Roasted Tomato & Chicken Risotto: 
Risotto with toasted garlic, grilled asparagus, Reggaino cheese, thyme and crispy prosciutto 
Everything was good, but not great. They were just so-so. I actually liked mine the best. The chicken was extremely tender, and the sauce was quite flavorful. I’ve never tried prosciutto before, but it tasted basically like really salty bacon. 
The risotto broth was great, but not so the actual rice. I think I’ll take gnocchi over risotto any day! Well, at least I tried something new! 
After that we were off to take a walk. Well, just as we were about to head off to the trail my dad tripped and sprained his ankle. It wasn’t a nasty sprain, but he definitely was not in the condition to walk 3 miles.
Now this is the point where things started to go downhill. My parents started talking about weight issues again. How I needed to gain faster, faster, faster or I might not be able to handle college life. They started talking in freaking detail how there might be a repeat episode of me being sent home from college because of my health: What if they called me for a check-up and decided I was too thin? What if they sent me back and insisted on going through a treatment program like they did in Northwestern? What if I lost weight in college?
Well, that just ruined the whole mood for me. Why are they talking about such negative and upsetting stuff during our last family time together? I got so frustrated and furious because I thought we were beyond that already. I thought…well, I wished…that we could finally spend quality family time together without a single mention or reference to my eating disorder. All these years I’ve felt horrible for my family. Because of this horrid ED, every trip we’ve made had a nasty stink, a black stain marked by my fears and anxieties towards food and mealtimes. A lot of times, it would end up with me crying, my parents worried and upset, and my brother silent and sullen.
I admit, I am not 100% recovered. I admit, I still have some pounds to gain. But I’m no l
onger the same person I was before. I don’t freak out over mealtimes or “fear foods” anymore. I don’t count calories. I don’t obsessively plan my meals. I don’t pretend to eat but sneak food into my napkin, I don’t panic and slip into the bathroom to puke the little contents I ate out. How much more do I have to proof that I am trying the best I can?
Oh, I know. It’s that weight issue looming again. For God’s sake, I absolutely detest being judged and defined by my weight. Why do I have to be a certain number of pounds to prove that I am fighting? And why must there be a certain number of pounds I should be gaining at a set amount of time, like I’m some kind of laboratory rat?
But yes, weight is a critical issue in my recovery. And though it irks me, I do have to work harder. I already eat way more than a normal person, but then weight gain isn’t such a breeze, as many (ahem, my parents) think it is.
Anyway, such were the thoughts and emotions that ran through my mind this afternoon. While my dad sat by himself with his sprained ankle, my mother and brother and I went for a shorter walk by ourselves. I was sort of glad of the shorter walk, because it was freaking HOT!!! Seriously, just standing out for a few minutes made me break out into sweat. No wonder we were all in such a lousy mood.
Well, after the brief walk we set off to cool ourselves and my temper. We went to Morning of Paris, a Korean bakery to order our favorite summertime treat ever: 
Korean Shaved Ice! Or Patbingsoo! 
Except my brother and I’s were topped with an extra big fat dollop of vanilla frozen yogurt: 
So. Freaking. Good. With that rich flavor of vanilla and the tanginess of good yogurt, sitting on top of sweetened red beans, glutinous rice cakes, fruits, and crunchy cereal flakes. 
We ate in silence to enjoy our mid-day treat, and also because sometimes silence is the best remedy to a conflict. Words just hurt a lot at times.
I can’t say I am feeling much better right now. I’ve been typing this with tears running continuously down my cheeks, feeling mad at my parents, yet guilty because I know I am not gaining weight as fast as I promised them I would. Deep down I know they speak out of love and concern for me, but I also struggle with my own hurt and frustrations of being misunderstood.
I wish I could just snap my fingers and— hey, presto, I’m 10 lbs heavier! But this is a battle I need to fight, each step, each day at a time. I just wish…I wish it was nobody’s battle but mine. It sucks that it has to affect all my loved ones, too.
Sorry, little bro. I thought we could have one last moment together without my ED history rearing its ugly head, but…I suppose we all need a bit more time.
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Sophia, I can understand your frustration with your parents but look at it from their perspective too and reassure them. They love you more than anyone else and because of that love they worry. You will be so far away and they won’t be able to keep an eye on you. No matter how old you are, you will always be their little girl that needs to be protected. Reassure them, talk to them often, send them pictures of yourself frequently so they will be reassured and less worried.
I know you have come so far…but they are parents and they will always worry because they love you!
as hard as this journey has been for you, it has been just as hard, if not harder for your parents. they love you so very much, and only want the best for you. it sounds like they don’t understand that the mental game is harder than the number on the scale, and you’ve conquered that. i know you’re going to college soon, but have your parents ever talked to counselors about recovering from an eating disorder? it might help bring some perspective…
I’ve been wanting to try out Brio for quite some time now. Mebbe I should.
Sorry to hear about the family time gone wrong. That sucks. But it sounds like you know you are better and you know what you need to do, so I think you’ll be just fine.
That restaurant looks like an awesome place! For me, it gets no better than Italian food and wine in a great atmosphere. Probably good call on not getting gnocchi; unless the restaurant is really good, gnocchi that isn’t homemade is so often heavy and gummy.
m rili sorry for vat had happend.. maby they want to protect you. dnt worry there are much better thngs you have to be proud of.. we are here for you.. *hugs*
I’m so sorry girl. It sounds like you struggle with being upset with them for not trusting you, guilt for what you/ED has put them through and then frustration with not being where they want you to be and where you want to be. Hang in there – hopefully the next family time will focus on different topics and you’ll weigh a bit more.
I’m sorrry things didn’t go as planned for your last “family” outing. But getting away to collage might just be the catalyst you need right now. They do say you gain somethind like 15 lbs when you start collage! LOL
I say your doing best you can do and that’s good enough. It’s hard to measure the process when your the one it. Keep striving and I’ll keep you in my prayers. Hope dad is better now!
Sorry to hear about the bad evening. Hang in there. You will do so well at college. You have your head on straight and a healthy attitude. Continue to take good care of yourself and it will show even if some in your life continue to worry.
Love the pics. I’m a gnocchi girl myself. And that Korean dessert looks amazing. Haven’t had anything quite like that before.
I’m sorry your night didn’t turn out as planned. Just keep your head up and everything will turn out well.
That Korean dessert looks absolutely incredible:)
So sorry things went downhill and that you had to have that experience during your last meal out. You seem super strong and I know you’re going to do great at college!
The dessert looks ace!
I’m sorry you had a bad day, Sophia. But, you’re a strong person who has gone through so much and yet has learned so much. You’ve come along way so don’t let anyone take that away from you – including your parents. They just love you and worry about you. Keep on getting better and take care of yourself. You’re gonna be fine at college – just wait and see!
Sounds like your parents are nervous and excited about you going off to college across country as you are. Sometimes it comes out in crazy ways. Just keep focused on all the wonderful, exciting changes in your future.
Thank You for the greet page. I love reading it!
Thanks I got your web link. Does somebody out there by chance have a backup mirror internet site or url to a different source? The url surely will not seem to work for me.
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