As in all challenges in life, my time at the church retreat was not all sweet and peachy. I dwelled on the triumphant parts of my challenges in regards of ED at the retreat yesterday. But today, I have to confess on a few down moments to my ED challenge.
As you could see by the pictures on yesterday’s post, the dining food served in McDaniel College (where the church retreat was held) was definitely not cooked by Gordon Ramsay. In fact, I highly suspect 90% of the food was processed, frozen, or a remake of leftovers. The pizzas were suspiciously stale, remnants of yesterday’s dinner. The breakfast eggs tasted fake, and they probably were from cartons. The pasta and hamburgers were dry and crispy from being reheated several times. Blegh.
Yet I still had to eat. I am still in weight-gain mode. But nobody else was. And that was where the struggle lay.
Let’s talk about a few taboos that you should NEVER say or do in front of a recovering anorexic:
Taboo #1: Complaining about how horrible the food is (I already know that, but constantly harping about the bad quality of food is not gonna help!)
Taboo #2: Picking at your food, not finishing it, barely eating (Makes me want to restrict as well)
Taboo #3: “You’ve gained so much weight!” and worse: “You got fatter!” (Um…Common sense, anyone?)
Taboo #4: “Wow! *Pointing at my tray* You’re eating all that? Yay!” (Makes me extremely self-conscious that everyone is observing what I eat…and what the hell is with that additional “yay”?)
For the most part, I tolerated. I tuned the voices out and tried to concentrate on other things. I reminded myself that I am not on a luxury cruise right now, that I am in a battle for recovery, and not everything is gonna be all smooth and easy and fun. My mission right now is to recover my health, and food, no matter how yucky and tasteless, is my medicine.
But on the last day, I almost crumbled. It was breakfast, and I had gotten myself a double portion of scrambled eggs and a giant Belgian waffle: 
A lady in our church walking by me suddenly stopped me, exclaiming loudly, “Is that yours?” She pointed at my tray. I looked down, and just nodded. “That’s really yours?” She screeched repeated, blinking in disbelief. “Wow, that’s a lot! Praise the Lord, praise the Lord!”
I walked back to my table trembling with flashing anger and stabbing irritation. All of a sudden, I just did not feel like eating at all. I was so tempted to just hurl the whole plate into the wall and cause a huge ballyhoo, screaming, “What the hell is that supposed to mean? Why the hell do you care what I eat? Why the hell is it your business?”
I was in such a thunderous mood, I just sat there with my arms folded, refusing to eat. My friends saw the black storm in my expression, and began to shoot cautious glances at me. As my food starting getting cold, a war of contradictory thoughts and emotions began waging within me.
I was furious at the lady’s insensitivity, and extremely irritated that she would question my ability to eat and give praise to God as if it was some sort of freaking miracle. I felt like I was being watched, and was frustrated why people just couldn’t treat me normally, or be more sensitive towards my ED. I just wanted to starve and turn all the blame on all the insensitive and triggering people out there. Yet at the same time I knew I was being silly and unreasonable, and that ED was just jumping on this opportunity to break me down and wreak my attitude and mind. I felt guilty that I was even having such negative and murderous thoughts, and wondered how the hell I was going to lead the youth group later in such a lousy mood and spirit.
Finally, I jumped up, ran to an isolated corridor, and wept. The release of tears was oddly comforting, and I suddenly had a strong feeling of God’s presence beside me. It was like He was caressing my head, telling me He understood, and coaxing me to get back out there to fight. I told Him I didn’t want to. He told me He knew I didn’t, but that there was no victory without the initial struggle.
In the end, I gritted my teeth, got up, went back to my now-cold breakfast, and forced myself to eat. It still tasted like crap, but the sweetness of my triumph made the meal a whole lot more appetizing.
Challenges, any challenges, will definitely have a bit of spice to it. That’s life. But the sweetness of accomplishment and success balances it all out, and in the end makes all the struggle and bitterness worth it.
And yes, today’s dish was created with that in mind, too. I used my “mix-it-up” bowl concept again to create something that is a little sweet, a little spice, and a whole lot of nice.
Sweet, Spice, and Nice Plantain Stir-fry
Base ingredients: 1 medium sized yellow plantain, sliced and cubed
“Mix-in” ingredients: 1 link Andouille sausage sliced, 1/4 large green bell pepper diced, 1/4 large red onion diced, 1/4 cup diced pineapple, 1/4 cup chopped green onion
Dressing ingredients: 2 tsp Dijon mustard, 1 heaping spoonful mango-ginger chutney, ~1/3 cup almond milk, squeeze of fresh lemon juice, dash of Mexican chili powder, dash of cinnamon, salt and pepper
Topping ingredients: heaping spoonful Greek yogurt 
Directions:
Fry up the plantain and sausage on a skillet until cooked through. Set them aside onto a dish.
Stir-fry the other mix-in ingredients on the same skillet until soft and cooked through. Add in the plantains and sausages.
Dump in the dressing ingredients to taste. Let cook and simmer until thickened and the flavors meld together.
Scrap it out into a serving dish, top with Greek yogu
rt. 
This bowl? A whole freaking lot of nice. 
Spicy, sweet, and muy muy tasty!! 
The dressing really made the dish, with the creaminess of the almond milk, the sweetness from the mango-ginger chutney, the tanginess from the mustard and lemon juice, the smokiness of the Mexican chili powder, and the sharp kick from the cinnamon in the background. Lovely! 
I only wish I had gotten riper plantains. It is my first time cooking plantains, and I thought it would be a bit sweeter from the black spots. This one tasted really starchy like potatoes, and took a longer time to cook. 
I loved the Greek yogurt on top, a refreshing, cool contrast to the hot and spiced ingredients underneath. 
Two thumbs up!
Question of the day: I’m looking for a new camera. It’s time to say goodbye to my more than 4-year-old Sony Cybershot DSC-T5, as it’s been giving me a bit of problems lately. Which camera would you recommend for a food blogger? I want something that can take relatively decent pictures even in low light settings, and one that is light and easy to carry around. My price range is around $200-300 (Sorry, I’m cheap!)
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Hey hon! remember me? It’s Gaby from the message boards
I’ve been following your blog and even started one of my own now, though there’s not much to read yet. You’ve come so far! Seriously, I’m beyond impressed and so inspired by your words and you always help me when I start to question myself too. I’m really glad you pushed through retreat and it’s now helping me through this family vacation I’m on. As much fun as I’m having you know how stressful it can be but I’m still pushing through. Keep it up and I’ll post more in the future.
xoxo
Dear Gaby! I remember you!! CC? hi there! Long time no talk!
Btw, I think you gave me the wrong link because it doesn’t work
I adore plaintains and this fry looks delicious!
Oh dear. I am so sorry that you had to endure such insensitivity. I don’t know why people feel free (or the need) to comment on another’s food, whether it’s too much, too little, too healthy, too whatever-the-quality is. Food is a private issue, I think, and is really no one’s business. I think that those well-meaning comments can be a guise for hurtfulness, to undermine your progress and courage.
When I was battling to LOSE weight, a “friend” told me, “Oh! You actually have a chin now!” Okay, now I feel pretty. **sigh** It hurt because she was sooo pretty and I’d always felt ugly. The comment stung deep; it was a backhanded “compliment,” that was not really a compliment. It took some doing to realize that she was pretty on the outside, but on the inside, well that was a whole different picture.
Many kudos to you. I am caught up in your words of struggle, challenge, and victory. It was a victory that was hard won, but you prevailed. I do believe that God’s loving presence and strength was with you and fortified you for this battle.
I shall keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I hope that is okay with you.
Hugs, Dear Lady.
#3 and #4 are just obvious. Some people are just so ignorant and rude! Actually my rellies in Singapore are like that and that’s why I NEVER go to visit them lol. I’m glad that you overcame it. It was an obstacle that you overcame!
What a horrible thing to say, and glad you moved past it. I don’t understandwhy anyone comments on what anyone eats any amount in any way, it serves no purpose and only makes the person feel self conscious and uncomfortable. Congratulations on rising above.
This lady was probably retarted.
Some comments I ABSOLUTELY hate:
1) ”It’ll be better if you eat an apple instead of a bar…it’s less caloric/more healthy”
(…wtf?…WTF!??!! I have NO words to express how upset/frustrated I was)
2) ”Wow you’re eating! That’s great! *Stares me while I’m eating*
(Arrgh just leave me alone! Is it the first time you’ve seen someone eating??)
3) ”Here, have a cracker…No? But you need it! I’m sure you’re hungry! *Put it in front of my face and try to force me to eat it*
(Again…leave me alone.)
Hi hun,
im proud of you! its so hard being around ppl that dont understand the ed and the fact that that women made such rude comments…ugh…so danm rude! im sorry you had to deal with all of that!
im sorry about the difficult situation in regards to the meal yesturday..it must have been so hard but in the end you overcame it so way to go
dinner looks delcious
xxxx
it never fails to amaze me how well-meaning (and slightly ignorant) comments can cause such a surge of emotions- I have the exact same reactiona dn it is SO hard to deal with, but at the same time…I’m glad I get them and face the challenges they bring up because I believe it makes me stronger. I’ve spent a lot of time in hospital where it was a “safe” environment but did little to prepare me for inevitable triggers on the outside world. I am glad I am doing this on the outside now and as hard ad it is, learning and growing and changing with every comment/challenge that comes my way xxx
first, your stir fry is beautiful.
second – I am so sorry about what that lady said. It just makes me so crazy that people say things without thinking sometimes.
I cried.
And this is going to lay heavy on my heart all day. If anyone needed to hear this today, it was me. Thank you.
<3,
e
that dish looks DELISH!!! you’re SO creative and you should be so proud of that and OWN it girl!
comments from a person on “the outside” are def very hard to deal with, but that’s life, that’s what EVERYONE has to deal with. whether you’re dealing with an ED, a drug/alcohol issue, or you’re just doingsomething DIFFERENT, someone will ALWAYS have something to say when they don’t quite understand or get it.
stand tall and with your head up !
xo
Your dish looks fabulous. Stir fry with plantains , YUM!
I am soooooo very proud of you! and thank you for sharing that with us… that dish looks delish!
Dear Sophia:
Dealing with other people is certainly a recurring pain in the booty when recovering from ED. When I was early in my recovery, I had a housemate that would always comment on what I was eating… “you’re going for a SECOND helping?” or “my! you eat more than a hippo now!” or “I’m going to start coming home earlier, to make sure I have food left before you eat it all”… It was so debilitating and frustrating! I didn’t want the confrontation, but his comments were actually hurting me and setting back my recovery. So one day, after I had cried my tears of wrath and was once again collected, I approchaed him gently and explained the situation. See, he actually thought that highlighting how much I was eating was an encouragement and he was making those remarks hoping to help me. The reason I bring this up is because people don’t really understand what ED feels like (the fear of food, the anxiety about eating, the anguish of gaining weight, etc) so they don’t know how to react, how to help. I guess the comforting thing is that they care enough to try to help, right? Mind you, that’s just some people. Some other people are just insensitive and have no common sense at all. Yes, what the hell was that “yay” about?!
On the camera question: I wish I could help, but I’m completely camera-less, it’s my friend that takes my photos!
Have a lovely day!
I completely understand where you’re coming from regarding the comments but what really struck me from reading your post was how much people genuinely care and love you. That woman may not have been the most tactful and she may not have realised that what she was saying really wasn’t what a recovering anorexic wants to hear – BUT, she obviously cares about you a great deal, praising the Lord for His help in your recovery. To have her believe that your recovery is THAT important that she would praise and worship God for it, well…that’s quite something. I can imagine her praying for you, remembering the sight of you eating and praising Him, asking for His mercy and grace in continuing to help you in your struggle.
I can’t believe people make comments like that! Geez. It’s wonderful that you still came back to that breakfast.
I’d have trouble doing that. I hate when people comment on food like that, and I don’t have your history. Good for you!
Your own kitchen creations look very appetizing!
I can’t say anything that hasn’t already been said – just sending hugs your way!
I have an Olympus Stylus 1010 10.1 megapixal – I probably am only using 10% of its capabilities too! It even has a “cuisine” setting!
I need to take a digital photography class!
My husband bought mine for one of my Christmas presents last year – and it cost $256 out the door.
GOD is great. Amen to you! I cant stand rude people!!
that meal looks AMAZING!!!!!!
As for the camera, I am no help. I invested in a canon digital SLR this past winter….
Hey have you ever thought of doing a cookbook of nothing but mix up bowl recipes? that would be cool!
How lucky are we, that we truly get to have God at our side always? Even though we (at least I) often forget, I cannot imagine recovery without him.
Plantains are my fave… yum yum… my mom’s going to have to hook me up!
I can’t believe that woman!! Sometimes I wonder if people think at all before they speak. I’m glad you were able to stay strong!
Btw, that bowl looks deeelicious. I might try it next week (as long as my lame Giant has some decent plantains)!
I know its hard to ignore people like that! WTF? I think for people who have anorexia, or people who are fat are in the same boat. If you are recoving, people are spies and want to see what you put in your mouth, if you are fat and trying to lose weight, I feel the same way. People look at your plate and whether its good food, but bigger portion (because its healthy) I kind of feel guilty. Who cares what I put in my mouth, I don’t care what other people eat!
I am proud of you for going back in there. We’re all here for you!!!!
daaaang, ida slapped some sense into that lady. that is just not appropriate to say to ANYONE, ED or not.. you don’t talk like that to people. i have a few choice words for her but i suppose i will keep them to myself.
and i know you said that you gots to eat the food no matter what since it is your medicine.. but i think i would have a hard time eating food that does not taste good. i don’t get that.. they are trying to get you to develop better eating habits, right? and they serve you cardboard and reheated leftovers? makes no sense to me. they should be serving baller status meals, that you actually WANT to put in your mouth! im sorry you have to deal with all that nonsense, you have a strong head on your shoulders though and i am glad you were able to have a good cry (those feel so good sometimes) and press forward regardless of the lameness going on there. you’re inspiring
ok ok that is the end of my rant. your dish looks bomb! i love chutney, i have some just regular mango chutney in my cupboard right now..i think i should utilize it.
hang in there beautiful girl! <3
You poor thing. That’s terrible that they say that to you. Maybe you should carry a bucket of water balloons around so you can lob them at people who talk about your food!
what insensitive and terrible comments. the important thing is you did what you needed to do – including feeling your anger and frustration. i think the truth is that a lot of people just don’t understand a thing about eating disorders and have no idea that the things they say cause incredible mental suffering. i’ve gotten to the point where i (usually) am able to completely ignore other people’s comments about anything food related. society in general is triggering; it’s unfortunate, but it’s reality nonetheless.
your mix-it-up bowl looks delicious! i have a plantain on my counter that is begging to be used!
Some people are really insensitive. And its sometimes the people that mean it in a good way, but just don’t understand. grr. Makes me angry.
Anyway your mix-it-up bowl looks fantastic.
hang in there and take care.
EEEEEK I am sorry people can be so rude and not have any common sense! I absolutely HATE it when anyone comments on how much food I can eat or when my mom says, you are getting more?? Damn straight I am!
Love the spicy, sweet, and savory combo! You are seriously such a chef!
I HATE when people comment on my food. I’m so sorry you were so scutinized there. :-/
Some people are just so clueless. The plantain stir fry looks delicious!
Hi,
I don’t know who you are, besides Burp and Slurp, but I put your blog in my reader a couple weeks ago and haven’t been able to read all your posts yet. Now it says I have 19 posts to read of yours. While I may not be able to get to them all, I did just read this one and the one before it and all I know is I find you to be 1-an amazing young lady, 2-strong, 3-a great writer, 4-learning and sharing a lot, 5-a great cook who makes yummy food. God bless and keep it up! I will be back for more!
Hun, I am SOOO sorry you had to go through that. Trust me, I know exactly what that feels like. I still get those comments all the time, and it always makes me feel so angry. I think it’s the fact that we’ve put the ED behind us and, in our eyes, are recovered. So when someone brings those memories back into our lives and doesn’t understand that it’s part of our pasts, it’s definitely frustrating. However, getting frustrated by that may be a good thing in some way… it means that you don’t agree with what they’re saying and truly know that you ARE recovered and beyond those ED days. Try to surround yourself with people who you know support and understand you. And, although I know it seems impossible, try to remember that those people who make those comments aren’t actually trying to hurt you. If someone says something like that to you again, just give them a really confused look and say, “Yeah, so what?” and move on with your life. You are so strong, and you KNOW you’re doing the right thing… that’s all that matters girl!
xxoo
Heather
ps – get a Cannon Powershot!!! My mom, brother, aunt, grandma, and I all have it (each of us has a different version though), and we all LOVE it. User-friendly and great pictures!
I love plantains. We eat them a lot in the Dominican Republic. Will have to try them this way. As for a camera, look into Canon Powershots. Canon makes the bext cameras and if you get one with a good image stabilizer, you’re golden. My boyfriend and I only buy Canon.
Simple advice, don’t listen to non sense talking while you eat, keep chewing and enjoy your food
Love spicy plantains
How great is that? Your ability to come out the other side –on the better side–of a bad situation is so admirable! Love those plantains, too!
People can sure be insensitive a lot of times, very frustrating. What a yummy bowl with plantains!
Aww Sophia, some people can be so insensitive and not even know it. I’m sorry you had to go through that, but I’m glad you had the strength to go back and finish your meal with your head held high. Tell that lady to suck it next time. lol
All taboos are just rude and silly things to say to anyone, recovering anorexics or not. Sorry you had to go through this. Here’s to recovery.
Hope your eyes feel better now. Ouch …
Wow
People are so insensitive sometimes. I continue to struggle with these types of comments as well. On my bday my boyfriend kept repeating (in front of everyone!) that he had never seen me eat so much of my salad before (it was a big salad from Cheesecake Factory) — it really made me feel embarrassed and not want to get bday cake 
Hang in there! We just have to try to think logically and remember that we DESERVE to eat and to live and to be happy!
Nice job being strong and ignoring the hurtful comments!
Your mix-it-up bowl looks great with the plantains!
This looks absolutely amazing!! I’m loving the flavors in this dish…keep a stiff upper lip, my friend. I’m so proud of you on a daily basis
You are like this colourful dish: spicy, sweet and tasty!
Keep it up!
Cheers!
Way to stay strong!!
I love that plantain stirfry–looks VERY tasty
Sweet and spice sure makes everything nice, looks delicious! I’m sorry you had such a struggle with those people that just don’t have a clue. Your reaction to their behavior is truly a reflection of your inner struggle and the fact that you were able to battle it head on says a lot about your recovery and how you ARE beating it. I think that’s just so great. I myself always think a good cry makes things feel better
How exciting to be getting a new camera! I just got a canon rebel xsi, and while it’s not the cheapest (and not really in my budget), it’s an introductory d-slr that I think will take me pretty far and I’ll be able to experiment with different lenses down the road. Another really great point and shoot that has gotten some of the best reviews is the canon powershot SD880IS. I saw it on newegg.com for 269 the other day. Happy camera shopping!
-kristen
Wow what a bitch, I DEFINITELY would have said something to her!
xtians (purposeful bastardation of the word christian in case people didn’t know) are such hypocrites it makes me sick,
they preach all of their whitelight/ (quite literally)”holier than thou”bullshit and then act like that?
I’m so damn glad I gave up the hypocrisy that is religion.
Just remember that it’s always okay to cry, hell I’ve shed tears out of anger myself before.
Anyways, moving on….I remember one time I had lunch at college and I overheard some lady say something
about me not having any sauce on my pasta (LOL WTF was it to her?) though my fiance is going to
convert me to liking tomatoes lol. I used to eat them sliced with salt, and I love pizza and ketchup…
so how could I not like pasta sauce right?
HereticPrincess » Aw, I won’t label all Christians like that. True Christians admit fully to their weaknesses…in fact, it’s our knowledge of our own sin that makes us realize why we need Christ. Please give us xtians a chance! >__<
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend (and never mean to). I just was trying to say that lady
shouldn’t have acted that way because that’s not how you guys are supposed to act…
then went on a little tirade. I promise I will keep my comments to being strictly about your
food/adventures and keep the “other stuff” out of it, okay?
Please don’t ban me from your blog, I really do enjoy it. -_-;;;
I just tend to have a real knee jerk reaction at some topics, and that’s one of them.
(as if you didn’t know lol)
HereticPrincess » Haha, don’t worry about it! I don’t “ban” anyone from my blog…nor do I know how to, but my blog is a public platform and I do welcome all opinions. I know you have yours too; I actually like that you have strong opinions (wishy washy people annoy me).
P.S. I’m at Starbucks right now robbing their Internet…feels good to be finally connected with the world!
Ack! it did it again! My reply didn’t show! >:(
Bah, apparently Wordpress doesn’t like links. I will put my questions for you
(some “being a Korean” questions) in your “Identity Crisis post. What I was
trying to say here was that even though I don’t know you, I still felt really
bad that I might have upset you. (judging from the >_<) and that I was
thinking about it for a long time.
You CAN make your WordPress blog password protected
but I don't know how since I 1) don't blog anymore
and haven't in years and 2) had always used Blogger/Blogspot or LiveJournal.
LJ is still around believe it or not! I read a certain person's blog on there daily.
Enjoy leeching SB's internet! Those yuppies deserve it! (what with their
terrible coffee and pretentious snobby attitudes!)
HereticPrincess » Don’t worry! You didn’t upset me, or I won’t be putting the “>__ blogger/blogspot !!
Huh? I’m confused at your comment, but am glad you aren’t upset. ^_^
GAAARRGH I don’t know what happened, but it chopped off my comment!
I just said that the expression “>__<” is meant to express a sort of cute, adorable, playful “oopsie” or “eek!” or “egad!” kind of emotions. So it’s not a bad, angry expression…at least that I know of! Haha!
Oh true! Shame on me, (the self professed anime addict) for not remembering that! -_-;;
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