I’ve started to run again lately. Today, I completed 2 whole miles without stopping. And I feel like I’d just accomplished a marathon.
I took up running when I was a freshman in high school. This was totally out of the character for me. I used to have the heaviest, laziest ass in the sense that it was always sitting on a chair or bed, refusing to budge. I whined when my parents dragged me out for a walk, and whizzed like I was having a heart attack when my P.E teacher forced us to run a lap. I, a straight A student, got my first C in P.E. Who gets a freaking C in P.E?
But because the people who ran along the streets in their running gear and their serious, concentrated expressions looked so darn cool, I decided to start running, too. Building up my non-existent stamina was tough at first. I was so proud of myself when I completed my first mile without a single break. From then onwards, I slowly increased my mileage until I was running up to 7 miles per day.
Unfortunately, my running turned into an obsession when my eating disorder started inching its way into my life. Suddenly, running was a pain, a chore, a battle. All I cared about was whether I ran xx miles a day, so that I burned the same amount of calories. If I ran just a bit less, I fell into a horrible mood for the rest of the day. I felt like the one less mile that I did not manage to do would come to haunt me in blobs of fat congealing on my stomach. Because I ran one less mile, I was a failure, a big fat walrus, a weakling. On that day, I would sharply restrict my food intake.
Each day, the moment I woke up, the first thought I had was: I’ve got to run, got to run, got to run. I have to hurry up and be done with that xx mile before it’s too late, before the whole day gets messed up.
I didn’t care for the process of running, the enjoyment of the wind rushing by my ears, the melodious momentum of my feet thudding lightly on the ground, or the flush on my cheeks from the rush of endorphins. All I cared about was finishing the run…until the next day when I had to start all over again.
It was a tiring way to live. Every single day was a never-ending, thankless race, where in truth, I received nothing. I received no joy, just a temporary relief to my anxieties. I received no health benefits, just aching muscles and shin-splints. I received nothing. In fact, it also sucked me away from a lot of social activities because I would rather run than hang out with my friends.
One day, I just stopped cold turkey. I was sick of running. I was sick of getting up every morning worrying about running. And I simply had no more energy to run. My eating disorder had already consumed me by then.
It’s been 3 years since I’ve run. And I’m forming a whole new relationship with running again, from the bottom up. I’m slowly rebuilding my stamina, and feeling the newly-built muscles perform. As I run, I’m not thinking about how I need to finish xx miles. I’m enjoying each and every single moment of the process of running: the air, my heartbeat, the slow swinging of my arms, the rhythm of my breathing, the people who smile at me as I pass by.
Now that, is why God gave us legs and arms, our bodies. Not to use them to over-exercise and work our ass off like a machine, but to enjoy each natural movement of our bodies, to take the responsibility of treasuring and respecting them as our own vessels. Exercising is not about burning calories, but to strengthen and preserve our bodies so we can contribute however much we can to this world.
Dang, that was long. Guess I’m still on a high from my run, lol. And of course, after a run like that I oughta replenish myself. It has been a long while since I had my “mix-it-up” bowl, but check out this new version of it:
Roasted Kabocha with Caramelized Onions, Goat Cheese and Almond-Red Pepper Sauce
The base: 2 cups pre-roasted kabocha cubes
The mix-ins: 1/2 large onion, 3 large shitake mushrooms, bunch of steamed kale
The topping: 1/4 cup goat cheese and Almond-Red Pepper sauce (recipe below)
Almond-Red Pepper Sauce (in estimates)
- 2 roasted red bell pepper, drained
- 2 spoonfuls almond butter
- 1 scoop of roasted almonds
- 1 clove minced garlic
- drizzle of maple syrup
- squeeze of lemon juice
- splash of chicken broth
- drizzle of balsamic vinegar
- salt and pepper
Just grind everything up into a food processor. Taste and test until it is to your liking. 
Now to make this bowl, just caramelize the onions in a skillet with some oil, toss in the mushrooms, let them cook together until nice and soft and fragrant, then toss in the kabocha and kale. Season with salt and pepper.
Then pile it up into a dish, drizzle the sauce all over, sprinkle on the goat cheese. Yum-o! (Damn Rachel Ray) 
Honestly, maybe it was because I was hungry from my run, but this dish was out-of-the-world good. Seriously. 
Hark the angels singing! 
Kabocha, goat cheese, almond butter, caramelized onions. All my favorite in one dish! 
All the flavors worked really well together. And the contrasts of textures! Freaking amazing. 
Now this
dish, I never wanted to see the end… 
Here’s another good news for today: My parents are arriving tomorrow afternoon from their mission trip!!!
If you look back to my previous post way back, you would remember that I promised my parents that I would gain 5 lbs while they were gone. Guess what?
I gained that 5 lbs, and MORE!! Bonus pounds, baby! Me thinks I deserve a special prize for this. Maybe a diamond white gold necklace. Or more suitably, every single kind of kitchen gadget I can find. Hm, gotta start browsing online!
Question of the day: Do you think you have a good relationship with exercise? What is your favorite part about exercising?
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Good job!! And that’s awesome that you are incorporating exercise as a part of being healthy. I have a love/hate relationship with exercise…I love the way it makes me feel…but I hate doing it :/ Go figure.
Great job on the run! I’ve never been a runner so I admire anyone who can do it!
Way to go on the run and the gain!! That’s fantastic
I am in love with that dish! You’re so creative!
Love the almond-red pepper sauce! Great job with gaining weight and running! Awesome!
Exercising is not about burning calories, but to strengthen and preserve our bodies so we can contribute however much we can to this world. – Amen to that!! Hehe. And your parents are gonna be beaming with pride when they see you. Well done sweetie! I can already imagine your daddy spitting dinner in excitement just like you described a few weeks back when you were having family dinner. I feel like giving u a great big Nattie hug!! xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Oh yea, and about exercising. At one point I was swimming every single day and like you, it became a chore because no matter how tired I was, I would drag myself to the pool. If it rained, I’d insist on swimming unless there’s lightning and I would be in an awful mood the rest of the day.
But like you now, I’m enjoying my swimming and rollarblading sessions simply because I enjoy the movement of my body, the coolness of the water or the wind in my hair. Utterly liberating!
Thank you for sharing your running story with us. I too have had my ups and downs. Running and I have a love/hate relationship, thankfully more love most of the time
. Dinner looks beautiful!
wow! I didnt know you exercise!
That’s the right way babe…eat well..exercise and be happy!
I’m so glad you are celebrating and living life to the fullest!
I felt that I know u so much more with each post, & that you are really strong to have overcome all yr previous issues.
I totally luv exercise. I know what u meant by the thrill of the wind blowing on yr face, the rhythmic pace and the pumps of muscles working..feels like yr body is string and beautiful..
I am really really happy that you got things in perspective!
so much improvement frm being an anorexic & depressed girl. Keep it up!
A little delayed but I wanted to thank you for stopping my blog.
I felt similar about running until lately. Lately, I have been leaving my HRM at home, and just enjoying the run. Unless it’s a long training run, I don’t care how fast or how many miles my husband and I run. I just try to enjoy the run and his company. I kinda like it.
It sounds like you’re developing a healthy relationship with running, one that I hope you’ll keep for a long time! I completely agree with your view of excersice on an objective level… but then my “crazy” takes over and I’m sad to admit that I’m in an unhealthy relationship with workouts. I workout 3 hours a day. I must. If I don’t… well, you know the kind of thoughts that take over my head, you’ve had them too
It has taken a toll on social life, since I must go to bed early to get up at 4:30am to workout, and I don’t do lunches because i must workout then too… then nightime comes and I’m so absolutely tired, that I don’t feel like going out. Sad little circle that I’ve promised myself to break. I must be strong and conquer this, right? Cold turkey or transitional… I don’t know what’s the best way. Thinking of just quitting makes me nervous, it actually gives me palpitations. I may just start slowly cutting abck 30 min at the time, until I arrive at a “normal” 1hr workout. Well, this was a bit of a vent!! Sorry!!!!
Your bowl looks delicious and I’m sure your parents will be SO happy to pinch your fuller cheeks
Haha thanks but I actually just forgot to put the pre-bake instructions for the crust. But you reminded me!
I have made some awesome raw crusts out of pureed oats/hazelnuts and agave, though. It’s a delicious way to go for a raw coconut pie.
Recovering from an eating disorder, I think it’s very hard to establish a good relationship with exercise…but very possible. I’m usually aware when I’m exercising out of obligation. Sometimes, I still do it, sometimes I take a rest. Sometimes I think I want to go out and run, but I’m still tentative about that. I don’t need to be burning calories, and I know how I take innocent hobbies and turn them into obsessions, justlikethat. It sounds like you know when the line gets crossed and you are being healthy about getting back to running. I always envy people who get that exercise high and exercise for the right reasons. For now, I stick to my yoga and walking… That feels pretty good.
What a great dish!
As for my relationship with exercise, it’s probably a lot like yours. I have a history with obesity, so exercise is part of my life and I will always keep it that way. Surely part of it is an obligation. I confess I feel guilty if I don’t get in at least 5 workouts per week. But, on the other hand, I enjoy exercise. I love the challenge and the accomplishment. I feel proud that I am in great shape. It’s abig part of my life and I want it that way.
SO wonderful to hear that you are developing such a healthy (and rewarding!) relationship with exercise. I too, once had an unhealthy relationship with running. As in, my whole identity was who I was as a runner, how far I ran, and how many races I completed. It was pride. When I was injured, that identity came crashing down. I now realize and live (I hope) my identity in Christ. And I also run again. Like you, I now enjoy the de-stress time, the red, flushed cheeks, the push up the hill, the perserverence through a tough run and the joy of being outdoors. Such a beautiful thing! Glad you are enjoying it too.
First off, CONGRATS on putting 5+ lovely pounds on!! Your parents are going to be thrilled
I know people who have gone through similar running experiences as you. They obsessively ran as a manifestation of an eating disorder. It’s really tough to see, because not only were they not giving their bodies the food it needed, but they were beating it up more by piling on the miles. I’m so happy that you were able to go out for a healthy run today and still enjoyed it!!!
I’ll admit, when I first started losing weight, exercise was all about burning calories for me. But then I started weight lifting and noticed that even though I wasn’t burning as many calories as I was running, I was still losing weight, and losing even more body fat!! I also absolutely refuse to do activities I don’t enjoy now. That’s why I’m always changing up my training schedule to do the sports I feel like doing
congrats on your new relationship with running! I myself am not a runner, but did do dance pretty intensely since I was 8. It did get to the point in high school where it was too excessive and if I didn’t exercise that day I wouldn’t eat as much. But, I absolutely love dance. It is my release and my way to express myself fully, when I am pretty shy in the real world. I think since I haven’t been dancing as much as I used to, I’ve lost a little part of myself. I have started more gym-athlete type stuff and would like to work up to a 1/2 triathlon someday. My favorite part of working out would have to be the slight tone and the rush feeling you get after being done, and of course I love eating afterwards haha!
Congrats on the 5lbs+ gain!
That’s such an accomplishment. Your parents are going to be so so so proud! <3
The whole act of exercise is eeeeviiiil! I like the results of everyday fitness, but not when I'm in the moment. I used to run so much during those dark ED days and I hated it, but those calories just had to be burned. Stupid stupid stupid me! I want to rediscover exercise without the obsession with calorie burning.
Mmm, goat cheese. So yummy!
have a great day<3
Ah, to have a healthy relationship with exercise -for the purpose of strengthening our bodies!
I used to run until I developed severe shin splints. Now I try to walk a mile a day, and I’m happy for that. Just to get outside & enjoy the sunshine.
I used to have a horrible relationship with exercise. I had to exercise every day or I would get irrationally upset and when I knew I was going out to eat, I’d sometimes exercise twice a day. It was all about calories calories calories.
What really changed that for me was actually going on medical school interviews because these were times when I couldn’t exercise. I got through those and realized – I survived. The world didn’t implode, I didn’t become overweight overnight, it wasn’t catastrophic.
Now, although I exercise most days, I don’t sweat the days when I’m just too busy or don’t feel like it. I also look forward to running, especially now that I run outside, as an opportunity to enjoy the nice weather. Aspiring towards things like specific races also takes the focus away from calories and puts it towards other goals.
I was missing your mix-in bowls! I always love to see some kabocha on your blog.
It sounds like your have the reason for running in perfect perspective now. I personally HATE running! I have tried so many times. It jars my whole body and make me nauseous. I wish it didn’t make me feel this way. I see other running and I think it looks so wonderful.
Nice Dish! I LOVE goat cheese! :0)
That is great news!! About the weight gain and about the running, Your parents will be so happy! I went through a similar situation with running. I was running twice a day, and it was all I could think about from morning to night, and I wasn’t giving my muscles any time to rest and they hurt!! One day my Dad wanted me to go somewhere with him-and I didn’t want to go because I had to run. He wanted me to skip it and go with him and I wouldn’t go. I felt bad after. That was my wake-up call. I quit cold turkey just like you. It was like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders. That was last summer. About a month ago I started walking/jogging again and so far so good. I’m trying to keep it in perspective. Your Kabocha creation looks amazing!! Good nourishment after working out.
Mmm looks so healthy and tasty. I would do the same, except the running part
I love your thought:
“Now that, is why God gave us legs and arms, our bodies. Not to use them to over-exercise and work our ass off like a machine, but to enjoy each natural movement of our bodies, to take the responsibility of treasuring and respecting them as our own vessels. Exercising is not about burning calories, but to strengthen and preserve our bodies so we can contribute however much we can to this world. ”
I have emailed it to myself
I have been trying to come up with a good explanation of the function of exercise from a Christian perspective and I think you just typed it. Thank you. Congratulations on your weight gain, too. That is a huge accomplishment and a testament to your teachability and God’s love for restoring people.
B&S,
I hear you girl! I’ve tried a million and one different forms of exercise in the effort to simply have fun. I’ve done kickboxing, karate, salsa dancing, tennis, yoga, pilates, strength training, circuit training, hula-hooping… I just LOVE to move. Growing up as an athlete made it very, very hard for me to stay sedentary during my recovery, but as soon as I hit my goal weight I was up and at em. It was one of my biggest motivators.
Keep it up!
Enjoy!
Emily
First of all, way to go on gaining those pounds! Next, I’m so glad that you now have a healthy relationship with exercise. I’ve never liked running and I doubt I ever will. It’s just not my sport. I’ve given it quite a few tries, but it’s not for me. I’m glad that you found what works for you though!
And, btw, those food stuff pictures you posted, are fabulous.
gosh how can i always count on Sophia for a post that can touch everybody’s soul and conscience?? You really really GO GIRL!!! Thank you for sharing!!
I like exercise because i looove the hot shower afterwards and I looove getting pink in the face and the endorphins i get afterwards.
Getting the Asian glow with exercise in replacement of alcohol is totally IN right now. heheheh
CONGRATS on the 5 pounds PLUS Sophia! You deserve FO SHO awesome kitchenware. I would totally start with a Food processor….or a fro you maker. Yes, I’ve been on amazon too. heheheh
Wow, your food looks gourmet! I would pay $$ for that at a restaurant!
I never ran as many miles as you did, but I went through a period of time when I felt like I had to constantly exercise a certain amount or else I wasn’t “good enough.” Eventually I started having pain shooting up my legs and I knew it just wasn’t right. I think it’s a good sign of your character when you can finally say enough is enough & take care of yourself. Now I’m taking it easier with leisurely bike rides or walks
and strength-training, and I feel my best yet!
“like a machine.” Exactly. When fighting with my own harsh self-expectations, part of me thought, “I’m not a machine! I’m not a machine!”
Sounds like you’re really finding yourself
Yay! 5 pounds! Great job!
I loved this post about running. I can see a bit of myself in what was your obsession, about feeling you have to get a certain amount of miles in. I start my marathon training next week, and I have two 3 mile days, and that just seems so low.
But – it’s NOT! And I usually enjoy running so much, I have got to quit worrying about the mileage – it’s just a number (just like how the scale is just a number – it’s how you feel).
Anyway, I am really happy you are getting back into it and developing a healthy relationship with running. I am excited to read more about it!
Congrats girl! you are doing it the smart way, and gaining 5 lbs and more, whooo freaking hoooo! I dont exercise and am a fat cow, but I love myself anyway
Awesome post today!!!! So glad you are enjoying running now! That’s awesome! I use to be in the military. I hated running. Now that I can do it on my own, with my music (not stupid cadence) and in my own time I LOVE it!
-A
I can completely relate to you on the topic of running. In spril of 2008 I started running from absolutely nothing. I built stamina and it became an obsession. I was anxious all day until I ran and if I didn’t run the pre-requisite miles and felt guilty and cut back on my eating. By the end of November 2008, I was running 40 miles a week and killing myself to do so. Then a back injury flared up so I also cut back then stopped cold turkey. i changed to working out with the elliptical and doing less. I was never a fast runner so it took a lot of time to run each day and I woke up at 5 am to do it as well.
Now a few times each week i run between 1-2 miles. It is so hard to get my stamina back but I don’t want to force it.
I am glad you got yourself up to 2 miles. That’s big!!! Congrats and take care,
Sheena
that was a greta post! i know exactly what you mean about having to run x miles to burn x calories. I used to do that as well. But now i have the SAME thought as you that excersise is to make us stronger not to be a string bean.
and yayayayay for you gaining wieght that is awesome, and of course you deserve to spoil yourself!
have a great day!
Congrats on your run! That’s awesome. I can totally relate to everything you said. Running wasn’t about fun, it was about “gotta burn those cals.” THANK GOODNESS we are in a healthy mindset again.
I do think I have found a great relationship with exercise. I love it but it’s not the end of the world if I don’t get a workout in. I exercise to be healthy, NOT to burn cals.
I love your mix it up bowl–it looks great! Love the addition of almond butter. Yum!
YAYYY for gaining weight. Your parents are gonna be so happy. Maybe you will get those kitchen gadgets?
<3 jess
xoxo
Girl, you don’t know how much I love you… your words are so powerful and especially meaningful to me… Seriously, I connect with them in ways that are almost unnerving.
Thank you for being so real, so direct, so honest!
P.S. Can you come over and make me dinner?
I’m so proud of you for running those 2 miles! Think how exciting it is that you can now use running as a form of enjoyment and HEALTHY exercise! Take it slow and enjoy it! Running is a wonderful form of exercise for both your body AND mind. If you remember, about a week ago I ran my first 2 miles without stopping EVER! I’ve never been much of a runner (I’m more into walking) so this was such a huge accomplishment for me. I definitely want to get more into running and use it as a way to release stress, tension, and stay healthy! Sounds like we both found a great activity!
xxoo
Heather
Great job on the running! And the food looks fantastic, as always!
wow, freakin phenomenal dish! really need to try kobacha
Congratulations on the weight gain and mileage! I’m glad that you have a healthy relationship
with exercise. Your food bowl looks awesome too!
I still remember going to workout one time with my one roommate who was anorexic.
We were at the college’s fitness center for like 2 hours I think! I did what I wanted to do,
and then just kept her company. There was no way in hell that I could push myself like
how she did. (and to be honest she didn’t LOOK anorexic at all, but told me she was)
My fiance and I go for walks/and do things during our vacations.
I hated the obligatory school gym classes, but I was extremely lucky that the teacher modified my
(see your sweet/spice/nice comment section)
particular class requirements while in high school so I could just hang out
in the weight room and do weights (VERY light!) and the cardio machines.
Damn my state and their “mandatory daily 50 minute gym classes for all four years of high school”
rule!
but I had a lot of fun exercising (while in college also) with my one friend in her apartment
(Prevention magazine’s virtual trainer is what we used)
and with my other friend at Curves for a while too.
THOSE times were so much fun!
Gah, this reply was long, but I kept my promise
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