Just call me Beet-face. Seriously, you all. All your kind and heart-warming comments on my last post made me turn as red as my tanned Asian skin can possibly be. I do think you were all being too generous, but thank you. Thank you so much. (And Anonymous, no problem at all, we’re cool! Thank you for sharing your story with me. If you ever want to talk, please don’t hesitate to send me an email!)

I probably have mentioned this before, but I lack a lot of confidence in my appearance. People can tell me I’m stupid and I wouldn’t give a damn, but any small remark regarding my appearance and it bothers me like a stinging bee in my pants. And it bothers me that it bothers me.

My mother is a beautiful woman. When she was younger people always urged her to sign up for Miss Korea. As a child I always wanted to look like her when I grew up. I got upset when people said I look like my dad (No offense, daddy, but you’re almost bald). But she always tells me, “Beauty is only temporary. True, desirable beauty is from within. It’s in your smile, the way you talk, how you treat other people.”

I always just pooh-poohed what she said because I felt that she couldn’t possibly understand. Of course it’ll be easy for her to say that. She’s already beautiful!

I didn’t start my eating disorder because I wanted beauty. I started it because I gave up on beauty. This was my messed up rationale: Well, since I can’t change my appearance and I’m too proud to get plastic surgery, might as well just be as skinny as possible since that seems to be what all women want.

But really, what is beauty? Why do I want to be beautiful? It once again boiled down to the time-old devil: comparison. I saw other girls so much more prettier than me, and I compared all my qualities to theirs.

As anorexia stripped every of my physical appearance away, from my thinning hair, to my yellow skin, to my sunken cheeks, and to my ghoulish, dead eyes, I was left with nothing to compare anymore. And in a strange, twisted turnabout, that was when I started to appreciate what is true beauty in a person.

I remember meeting a woman once at a church retreat. She was big-boned, dark-skinned, and twice the size of an average woman. She had small beady eyes, and huge lips. When I first met her, my first thought was, Dang, she’s ugly. And then I started to get to know her better.

She was large, but her personality was larger. She had small eyes, but her eyes were bright with intelligence, wit, and passion. She had an enormous mouth, but from that mouth burst out the most infectious laugh, the wisest insights, the warmest words. She was dark, but her presence radiated wherever she went. And she was utterly, spectacularly beautiful. As I watched her from the sidelines, I remember thinking, I don’t care if I become as fat as a hippopotamus, if only I was as beautiful in person as her.

It’s absolutely cliché, but true. Beauty on the outside is nothing. It’s nice to look at, but if the inside is ugly, that physical beauty just gets shaded out. It’s like some cheap metal painted with glittering gold. You’re appealed by it at first glance, but as the gold paint peels away, you find that it’s just worthless.

But beauty in the inside…that’s timeless. That never dies with age; on the contrary, it shines forth even more. No matter how hideous you are, if you’re beautiful as a person, people will be attracted to you. Because ultimately, nobody really cares whether you’re pretty or not. How foolish I was to get myself so hung up over such an ephemeral thing that nobody even gives a crap about!

So yeah. I want to be beautiful. But not the kind of beautiful I previously wanted. I want the kind of beauty that stays indelible within me even when I’m a 90-year-old toothless, wrinkly and pruney granny! The thing is, I occasionally forget…So if you ever catch me moaning about my appearance ever again, please just grab a spatula and give me a good whack on the head!

By the way, why is it that each time I talk about beauty, my food turns out looking like crap? Must be God trying to emphasize something. But anyway, today’s lunch was another hideous (but delicious) affair. Remember I said I had more kimchi recipes up my sleeves? Here’s another one:

Kimchi-Oyster Omelet

• 4 large fresh oysters
• ~1/4 cup flour
• 2 large eggs
• salt and pepper
• 1/2 cup kimchi, sliced
• 2 oz cream cheese

Dredge each oyster in the flour until well-coated. Lay aside.

Beat together the eggs, season with salt and pepper, then mix in the kimchi. Finally, drop in the oysters.

Heat a pan with some oil at medium heat, then pour in the egg-mixture. Drop in the cream cheese in dots into the omelet. Cook on one side until done, then flip over to cook the other side. And you’re done!

One ugly kimchi-oyster omelet with a whole-wheat English muffin.

Ah, well. Gimme a tasty grub over pretentious, fancy-looking cat food any day. This was freaking scrumptious!
 
The fresh, succulent oysters, salty and juicy, with the spicy and crunchy kimchi and tangy, creamy cheese, was such a sweet marriage!

It is so good when it’s right off the pan, hot and steaming in your mouth, the plump oysters oozing its briny liquid into your mouth, singing of the sea.

This would probably also work with goat cheese, or cheddar cheese, or mozzarella cheese. If you don’t have kimchi, I’d think shredded cabbage with some chili pepper flakes would also do. Or sauerkraut! But of course, kimchi is the best choice.

And guess what I received in the mail?

Marta from Just Call me Marta sent me some free coupons for First Juice! And she wrote me the sweetest letter ever. If she were right next to me then, I would have crushed her bones with my bear hug. Good thing you weren’t there, Marta!

Of course I made a speedy trip to Whole Foods right away in search for my juice. First Juice is actually for babies…but I’m a big baby anyway, especially when it comes to free stuff! They only had two flavors available, though:

Apple + Carrot flavor

And the Banana + Carrot flavor

What’s really great about this juice is that it’s low in sugar. But since they’re for babies, the top is sort of like a pacifier…-____-;;; LOL. Doesn’t matter. I sucked and sipped at it like a big baby. At first sip they seemed to taste a bit bland, but as I kept drinking, I really liked it. They aren’t as sweet as most juices are, which I loved, and was really refreshing and thirst-quenching, with a subtle carroty flavor. I wish the banana one had more banana-flavor to it, though. Anyway, thanks Marta! I’m sorry you couldn’t find First Juice anywhere near you…but thank you for thinking of me!

Question of the day: What do you think is the most beautiful quality in a person?

Related posts:

1. No Longer Me, Myself, and I
2. Well-Rounded Confidence
3. Message from my English Student
4. New Year’s Self-Reflection Part II: Dreams and Goals
5. New Year Self-Reflection Part I: Thanksgiving

Tagged as: cheese, eggs, juice, kimchi, omelete, oysters, seafood